GUILT

coachL · June 2009

I was really looking forward to today. My daughter was just home from college and had offered to drive my husband the 1 hour drive to radiation treatment today. I got up early and hooked up his TPN bag to his pik line. I so needed a day off to regroup and get a few things done. I mostly just needed a break from the whole situation. I have spent pretty much the last month and a half in the hospital with my husband who had a very hard time with the chemotherapy protion of his treatment. Long story short--my daughter had not been on the highway for more than 25 mionutes when she called saying the Cad pump alarm was going off indicating something was wrong. She called me and we tried to fix it over the phone, but couldn't get it to work. I was STRESSED the whole time. They continued on to the treatment location and the radiation nurse unhooked his line and flushed it. Still I was so upset by my chioce to NOT go with him today. I feel incredibly guilty even though I know everything turned out OK in the end. I feel most guilty about how angry I felt inside that "my day" was now not how I planned it. None of them are any more. I just feel so guilty. My husband is so sick and I feel so selfish. Does any of this make any sense at all? Over night my world is SO different.

pasgirl · June 2009

You are human and beyond normal!
I completely understand why you are beating yourself up but there is no need to! You are giving your entire life to take care of this man and you deserve a break. I stay with my parents Monday thru Friday so my mom can work or do whatever she needs to. Then after she has been home a while I take a break myself. It is good for your husband and daughter to have this alone time as well. I'm sure it makes her feel needed and it gives them time to bond. (speaking from a daughters point of view) You didn't send him with your neighbor!

Chin up! You need you time! Your husband knows you love him, but remember to love yourself too! OK enough Dr. Phil here! I just wanted you to know every caregiver feels this way.

zahalene · June 2009

pasgirl said:
You are human and beyond normal!
I completely understand why you are beating yourself up but there is no need to! You are giving your entire life to take care of this man and you deserve a break. I stay with my parents Monday thru Friday so my mom can work or do whatever she needs to. Then after she has been home a while I take a break myself. It is good for your husband and daughter to have this alone time as well. I'm sure it makes her feel needed and it gives them time to bond. (speaking from a daughters point of view) You didn't send him with your neighbor! Chin up! You need you time! Your husband knows you love him, but remember to love yourself too! OK enough Dr. Phil here! I just wanted you to know every caregiver feels this way.

WOW, pasgirl
Dr Phil could not have said it better!

MichelleP · June 2009

I too feel quilty
I have been the 24/7 caretaker for my husband for about four months now. The only time I had to myself was a pedicure a few weeks ago while our son sat with him. I was only away for about one hour and felt so guilty. I kept calling home from my cell to make sure all was okay. My one hour was not what I would call "time for myself" at all. I have just decided that my husband is my #1 priority now and if I am able to catch an hour in the bubble bath I can be close by and that will just have to be enough for me.

As you said, overnight our world's are so different....yes that's true. Someone on this site said that the Lord holds a special place in heaven for caretakers and thinking about that comment helps me endure one day at a time.

God bless you and stay strong.

Michelle

HeadsUpSil · June 2009

GUILTY
Hello To All

I lost my mother on May 7th of this year, and still today I feel guilty. Guilty because I know she didn't want any of my siblings to sit with her but I said they should because I am not an only child. Guilty because I knew she felt better with me around even though there was nothing I could do for her. There wasn't a moment that went by that I didn't think of her but I needed that time. Guilty because I had to sign to put her in a hospice, the one thing I said I'd never do to my parent. All the cliche's are really no comfort. I just want to scream, cause crying isn't helping. Any advice may help.

zahalene · June 2009

HeadsUpSil said:
GUILTY
Hello To All

I lost my mother on May 7th of this year, and still today I feel guilty. Guilty because I know she didn't want any of my siblings to sit with her but I said they should because I am not an only child. Guilty because I knew she felt better with me around even though there was nothing I could do for her. There wasn't a moment that went by that I didn't think of her but I needed that time. Guilty because I had to sign to put her in a hospice, the one thing I said I'd never do to my parent. All the cliche's are really no comfort. I just want to scream, cause crying isn't helping. Any advice may help.

ok, no cliches...
I'll just say this: Guilt is a choice.
You can let it invade the rest of your life or you can begin to combat it with positive self-talk when it rears it's ugly head.
"I understand that mom wanted only me by her side 24/7, but I also know the impossibility of that."
"I understand that she felt better with me around, and I WAS there for her as much as I could be."
"I understand that hospice had always been out of the question, but then reality struck."
Feeling guilty for doing something WRONG is one thing, but guilt which stems from nothing more than your desire to be perfect in an imperfect world and impossible situation is self-destructive.
Also realize that guilt is a normal part of the grieving process. You are still in the early days. If you still find yourself harnessed by guilt after a reasonable time, I suggest you get some counseling to help you move on.
God bless.

tdm1991 · June 2009

I know how you feel
Especially about feeling bad/selfish for being angry that your day got ruined. My husband has been diagnosed with stage IV liver cancer since 5/1. We have been dealing with all of this since mid march - pain, tests, doctors. I am exhausted. Trying to keep up with him, everyday is different, although things have stabilized. I feel angry most of the time that I feel angry while he is going through this, robbing me of my life. Someone said it is a choice, and I believe that is true but you wouldn't be human if you didn't feel the guilt. The trick find a place to put it. I have a lot of support and although not always easy for me to accept it I am learning to. Take the good with the bad, take the time you can for yourself even if it doesn't work out as planned. Lower your expectations and think good thoughts

sally72 · July 2009

last few weeks learned new definition for guilt
i was sitting on my bed thinking about the future ... i was taught to always plan a head . there is this rock shaped like a head my husband drew his case managers face on and calls it the mike rock . they tease eachother about mike rock ... it's important to both of them

when i thought i really have to make sure mike gets his rock when my husband has passed . i was needing to scream in torment for thinking about giveing people his special things when he's gone . before he's gone . yet understand some planning is nescessary ...

i saw him at the rehab yesterday . he's a bit stronger yet still can't eat they had a cook out he was so excited that i was able to come to it . when he got sick he was so wracked with guilt for spoiling it for me i was trying so hard to show him it's ok that he had done nothing wrong .

talked to him on the phone this morning and he was i'm tired and need to rest . i'm happy he could say this and not feel like he had to chat when he needs a nap more

seanslove · July 2009

Guilt
After reading all the posts here about guilt,I can honestly say I have felt guilt so many times since this started in May. Due to the fact we live pay check to pay check,I have had to try and continue to work what days I can. The one thing I will never forgive myself for is not being by his side when he was told he had cancer,as where was I;at work. That day change everything for me,so much so that we have so many bills close to shut off stage,but I am now with him when I should be.
I only work three to four days a week now,and those are short days,unlike the 10 and 11 hour days I used to work,now they are five or less. Just enough to keep food on the table and a few of the major bills covered. However,when I leave,even though work is less than two minutes from the apartment,I feel so guilty for going. It's not like he's unable to do for himself,as he can still get up,cook,and move about at will. It's just the feeling of not being at his side that kills me.

sally72 · July 2009

seanslove said:
Guilt
After reading all the posts here about guilt,I can honestly say I have felt guilt so many times since this started in May. Due to the fact we live pay check to pay check,I have had to try and continue to work what days I can. The one thing I will never forgive myself for is not being by his side when he was told he had cancer,as where was I;at work. That day change everything for me,so much so that we have so many bills close to shut off stage,but I am now with him when I should be.
I only work three to four days a week now,and those are short days,unlike the 10 and 11 hour days I used to work,now they are five or less. Just enough to keep food on the table and a few of the major bills covered. However,when I leave,even though work is less than two minutes from the apartment,I feel so guilty for going. It's not like he's unable to do for himself,as he can still get up,cook,and move about at will. It's just the feeling of not being at his side that kills me.

keeping food on the table
keeping food on the table and a roof over his head is so very important right now ..... your feeling guilt for not being home but at work is probibly normal ... but he's needing the basic essentials your going out provides for him .

going out and enduring the guilts sounds like a real act of love to me

sue Siwek · July 2009

MichelleP said:
I too feel quilty
I have been the 24/7 caretaker for my husband for about four months now. The only time I had to myself was a pedicure a few weeks ago while our son sat with him. I was only away for about one hour and felt so guilty. I kept calling home from my cell to make sure all was okay. My one hour was not what I would call "time for myself" at all. I have just decided that my husband is my #1 priority now and if I am able to catch an hour in the bubble bath I can be close by and that will just have to be enough for me.

As you said, overnight our world's are so different....yes that's true. Someone on this site said that the Lord holds a special place in heaven for caretakers and thinking about that comment helps me endure one day at a time.

God bless you and stay strong.

Michelle

if your son is old enough to
if your son is old enough to stay with him he is old enough to know what to do. relax and enjoy time to yourself.

sue Siwek · July 2009

HeadsUpSil said:
GUILTY
Hello To All

I lost my mother on May 7th of this year, and still today I feel guilty. Guilty because I know she didn't want any of my siblings to sit with her but I said they should because I am not an only child. Guilty because I knew she felt better with me around even though there was nothing I could do for her. There wasn't a moment that went by that I didn't think of her but I needed that time. Guilty because I had to sign to put her in a hospice, the one thing I said I'd never do to my parent. All the cliche's are really no comfort. I just want to scream, cause crying isn't helping. Any advice may help.

lost my parents 6 months
lost my parents 6 months apart. mother died last and on my watch. i tried guilt but you know it was her time to go and maybe your mother would have gone on your watch, would you feel more guilt? think of it this way, she trusted your care but maybe your siblings needed to feel that they were contributing as well.

sue Siwek · July 2009

seanslove said:
Guilt
After reading all the posts here about guilt,I can honestly say I have felt guilt so many times since this started in May. Due to the fact we live pay check to pay check,I have had to try and continue to work what days I can. The one thing I will never forgive myself for is not being by his side when he was told he had cancer,as where was I;at work. That day change everything for me,so much so that we have so many bills close to shut off stage,but I am now with him when I should be.
I only work three to four days a week now,and those are short days,unlike the 10 and 11 hour days I used to work,now they are five or less. Just enough to keep food on the table and a few of the major bills covered. However,when I leave,even though work is less than two minutes from the apartment,I feel so guilty for going. It's not like he's unable to do for himself,as he can still get up,cook,and move about at will. It's just the feeling of not being at his side that kills me.

write your congressman. we
write your congressman. we need health reform and now! you should be able to spend time with an ill loved one.

GUILT

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