Caregivers with small children?

Pnak

My 32 year old husband got diagnosed with stage IV esophageal cancer on 4/23/09. He has fallen fast, and he is currently in the hospital. I have young children, 4 and 20 months, and I am having such a hard time balancing. I feel the need to be there with my husband, but our family has not been to forthcoming with help. I'm just frustrated.

zahalene

Sometimes...
we need to broaden our concept of 'family'. If your blood relatives aren't coming through as you need them to, look a bit farther from home. Friends, church 'family' (if that applies), other mothers you interact with, job-related acquaintances, ....then move on to semi-professional people such as home health care. Contact your local American Cancer Society. They have a 'pool' of volunteers who fill in the gaps in trying times like these.
Also, sometimes people don't step up to the plate because they don't know exactly what you need or how to offer their help, thinking 'oh, she looks so together, she doesn't need me'. Don't hesitate to ask for specific needs to be met. Keep a list by the phone. Be as assertive in taking care of yourself as you are in taking care of your husband and children. God bless.

Pnak

zahalene said:

Sometimes...
we need to broaden our concept of 'family'. If your blood relatives aren't coming through as you need them to, look a bit farther from home. Friends, church 'family' (if that applies), other mothers you interact with, job-related acquaintances, ....then move on to semi-professional people such as home health care. Contact your local American Cancer Society. They have a 'pool' of volunteers who fill in the gaps in trying times like these.
Also, sometimes people don't step up to the plate because they don't know exactly what you need or how to offer their help, thinking 'oh, she looks so together, she doesn't need me'. Don't hesitate to ask for specific needs to be met. Keep a list by the phone. Be as assertive in taking care of yourself as you are in taking care of your husband and children. God bless.

Thank you for your reply.
Thank you for your reply. I'm going to contact the local ACS today. Also, my friends have been amazing (we are living with friends). I agree that I have to redefine family.

mfsgemini

Torn in 2 Places
I understand how you feel. My Mom was diagnosed last week with pancreatic cancer last week. She lives in New York City and I live in Conncecticut. It's 3 hours door to door. I have a new business I have started and have 2 children, Daniel 6 and Kylie 5. I am an only child and so is my mother, with no extended family near us. I am finding in just 1 week that it is difficult to figure out what is my priority. I have been in the city twice now in 7 days. And it's only the beginning. I have reached out to many resouces such as this for any help and suggestions. I agree, and told my Mom now is the time to take people up on the offer of "what can I do". But the issue is with out us telling people what we need, they won't help. I have told people I can not commit to anything. I have someone who takes care of the kids during the day, but I am still scheduling activities for them on weekends with people. I am also trying everyday to do at least one thing for me by myself. Read, TV, walk the dog, treadmill, or Wii. I find spending time with my kids makes me feel good too. Try to get people to take the kids, even if it's for a few hours. We won't get if we don't ask. That's always been my philosophy. I'm hoping some of this helps. I have found sometimes friends come through better at times like this then family. We will get through it.

Tonia11

mfsgemini said:

Torn in 2 Places
I understand how you feel. My Mom was diagnosed last week with pancreatic cancer last week. She lives in New York City and I live in Conncecticut. It's 3 hours door to door. I have a new business I have started and have 2 children, Daniel 6 and Kylie 5. I am an only child and so is my mother, with no extended family near us. I am finding in just 1 week that it is difficult to figure out what is my priority. I have been in the city twice now in 7 days. And it's only the beginning. I have reached out to many resouces such as this for any help and suggestions. I agree, and told my Mom now is the time to take people up on the offer of "what can I do". But the issue is with out us telling people what we need, they won't help. I have told people I can not commit to anything. I have someone who takes care of the kids during the day, but I am still scheduling activities for them on weekends with people. I am also trying everyday to do at least one thing for me by myself. Read, TV, walk the dog, treadmill, or Wii. I find spending time with my kids makes me feel good too. Try to get people to take the kids, even if it's for a few hours. We won't get if we don't ask. That's always been my philosophy. I'm hoping some of this helps. I have found sometimes friends come through better at times like this then family. We will get through it.

I agree
I agree, if you don't ask you don't get. But I have never been the one to want to inconvenience anyone especially when it comes to my kids (boys 11 & 7). My husband has stomach cancer and just finished radiation. He's been doing okay and I've been able to keep everything afloat for now. My kids are going to my mom's for the entire month of July. I used to look forward to them leaving but now I kinda want them to stay. They have become my outlet and without them here, I feel like I won't get a break from this.

Just venting.......

akbetty

Yes, it's hard
I have a three year old and it can be very difficult with small children--they simply can't understand everything we are going through. I think the hardest part is when my daughter hears my husband calling, " I need you!" and she does the same thing, like she's competing with him for my attention. Trying to balance it all is an incredible challenge. I feel so guilty sometimes. I am lucky in some ways because my other kids are so much older ( 17 and 13) that they can be a lot of help, but they have their own needs, so I have slowly learned to be more comfortable with asking for help. For some people it's no effort at all to take the little ones for an hour or two and it can mean the world to us, so don't be afraid to ask!

lily33

It is hard
Pnak,

As a fellow caregiver and parent I know it is hard. I have a 3, 5, and 7 year old and my husband has kidney cancer. He was diagnosed at age 30-3 months after I had our second son by c-section. I remember sitting in my husband hospital room all day and having to rush down to the lobby to nurse my 3 month old every 2 hours (a family member would drive him there). The guilt I felt was tremendous-like I was abandoning my newborn.

I was 7 months pregnant when my husband was receiving IL-2 (a very harsh intravenous chemo). I would sit in a chair for 12 hours a day while he was in the ICU. I wanted to be with him, but felt guilty for leaving my children all day.

Balancing kids and caring for a spouse is a no win situation. Just take it day by day and try not to focus on the following day or week. When I think too far ahead I feel extremely overwhelmed. My parents are the only family that really consistently help us. I was angry for a long time because I felt abandoned by everyone else. Most of our friends (in their 20's at the time) had a hard time themselves dealing with his illness. Some of our friends and family did step up eventually and let me tell you-it was NOT the ones I assumed would. I've made some incredible friends that I now consider family. They have helped me in ways I never expected. Gravitate to those people in your life that are truly there for you in your times of need (which is probably constantly). Forget those people who've "abandoned" you-it's not worth your energy. One day they will have to face their own actions. Right now the most important thing is to take care of your family the best you know how.

lily33