feeling nervous... apprehensive.... panic attack!!

taleena
taleena Member Posts: 1,612 Member
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
I've been doing better the last few days... I guess the process of the procedure I had yesterday kept my mind off things for the last couple of days... but this morning I woke myself up crying, how pathetic is that, I was crying in my sleep... now I am shaky... feeling sick to my stomach... I can't find that positive, uplifting person... where is she... I'm trying to find her, but am having very little luck.. my pre-op apt at the hospital is this morning... I told my husband it was no big deal just blood work... paperwork...etc..so I'm going by myself... and now I DON"T WANT TO GO!!! I look on here and see that mine isn't as bad as it could be... but that isn't helping me this time... Please help me find that brave, strong side... I'm wussing out!! And it's pis***g me off...(sniff, sniff, gulp, snif)

~T

Comments

  • corey50
    corey50 Member Posts: 111
    TALEENA
    first off take a deep breath. let it out. feel any better.
    secondly you are not a wuss. what you're feeling is completely normal. as a matter of fact i give you alot of credit for being able to cry and let it out, i hold things in.
    these appts. can be very stressful even if its just paperwork and bloodwork. i find just going to the hospital or the dr.s office can set off a post traumatic type panic in me.
    is there any way your hubby can go with you? or someone else even just to drive you?
    my surgery was 4 yrs.ago so i've been to plenty of drs. appt. what we try to do is do something afterwards. like lunch or coffee. something to look forward to to make it seem pleasurable in your mind.
    wanting to skip an appt. and just forget any of this is happening is how we all feel, but its not realistic. you have to go to that appt. to become healed. so go. do it. and you 'll feel better afterwards. and give yourself credit for being the strong person you are.
    best of luck
  • FeistyTexasGal
    FeistyTexasGal Member Posts: 11
    You can do this
    I was scared out of my mind and exhausted from 14 days of tests before my radical mastectomy. Talk about the deer in the headlights feeling. I walked around in a daze for two weeks. Plus my man deserted me and left a note saying good luck with surgery. He came back a few days later, but it sent me over the edge. Once I had the surgery, I felt a sense of serenity. That part was over. They cut out what they could. I had passed a milestone. I had my first chemo yesterday and it lasted from 9:30am to 5:15pm and I made it through the night without side effects. I still haven't cried. My eyes have welled up a few times, but that is it. I WISH I could have a good sob. The only time I cried at all was from the pain of filling up the tissue expander cuz it feels like a massive piece of concrete stuck to my chest.

    Please don't call yourself a wuss. You are fighting for you life, so you owe no excuses for anything. This is a terrifying journey and your life gets turned around every which way. I thought I was going to die from a panic attack until a wonderful gal I met on this site, Debbie M., came over and helped me tremendously. I stopped being afraid that very day. I'm on your side, sweetie, and if you need a friend, I'm here for you. Happy Trails, Karen
  • mimivac
    mimivac Member Posts: 2,143
    It's OK!
    T, your crying is good for you. It relieves tension and can have a cathartic effect. Don't be afraid to cry. Let it out! This journey is stressful and frightening and your emotions are right on track. It would be strange if you were woodenly going through everything (something I did and then later paid for with a breakdown). Don't worry, that strong person is still there. She's just going through a hard time right now, as all strong people do. Don't push yourself to feel "all better." The cycle takes time. Respect that you are down right now and be gentle with yourself. I like the idea of planning something for after your appointments to look forward to. It's all the little things that make a difference. You will get through this.

    Mimi
  • Jan_M
    Jan_M Member Posts: 116
    Next time don't be so
    Next time don't be so brave...take someone with you. Even for a check up, have someone, if possible, go with you. You need all the support you can get right now. Before you know it you will have joined the graduates club, with a big Woo Hoo.
  • Akiss4me
    Akiss4me Member Posts: 2,188
    (sniff, sniff....)
    Well....now you've gone and dun it!! You have me crying tooooo......
    Taleena, I'm really beginning to believe that the rash of emotions we are going thru are to prepare us for whats coming when we go thru menopause (besides the shock of our condition that we probably find hard to except). Sorta like when your pregnant and you keep waking up more & more at night like you will once the baby comes. Not that we asked for menopause....buts it's coming. At least for me I find some comfort in beleiving this is the reason for ALL the emotions.
    I know it's tough to except the fact that the huge mood swings are all part of the process because it doesn't make it any easier to go thru or take any of the fear away. You won't wuss out....your stronger than you feel at the moment...
    Just picture for a moment, if you will, that we are all holding your hand and going with you (even if only in your mind)....
    Can you imagine how long that chain would be??!!
    OK....here we go...(let's take a bus, don't think we'll all fit into a car!)
    Now we are marching in there with our head held high!....
    Whoops!!......OK...looks like we're holding up traffic....now we're stuck getting through the front door....oh no not enough chairs....looks like we'll have to sit on each others lap....OK...Why are people staring at us????
    Hang in there....we're with you!! :) Pammy
  • CR1954
    CR1954 Member Posts: 1,390 Member
    T.........
    Having cancer means having STRESS. Constant STRESS. The kind that you can't run away from and you can't get out of. Fear, pain and STRESS. Emotions run rampant when you have all of this STRESS, and it's ok to cry....it does not make you a wuss!
    Because, did I mention that cancer causes STRESS?

    You don't always have to be brave and strong. You can succumb to the emotions that you feel. And after you have released those emotions, you will find that you can then muster your courage, and go on with whatever you need to do to make yourself well again.

    The courage is there, the strength is there. It's just that at the moment, the fear and stress have taken control. But you will get back to that positive and uplifting person. Really.

    And I am sending giant sized hugs and positive thoughts your way, to help you get there sooner!

    CR
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    (((((((((((hugs)))))))
    T~
    Anyone who knows me from these boards has figured out that I don't have an original thought in my head~ but things I hear and read stick with me and I use them,ad nauseum!

    One of the greatest quotes I heard was from the Denzel Washington ( sigh!!!!) movie "The Great Debaters": We do what we HAVE to do, so we can do what we WANT to do".

    If you have to cry, cry! When you are feeling afraid and stressed, just know that it is truly part and parcel of being dx with this damned Beast. But you will do what you have to do ( surgery, chemo, whatever your treatment plan is)so that you can do what you want to do~ namely have a vital, vibrant Life After Cancer. As someone else once so eloquently said...we are your future, you are our past. And you will make it, sister! We are with you every step of the journey.

    Hugs,
    Claudia
  • taleena
    taleena Member Posts: 1,612 Member
    chenheart said:

    (((((((((((hugs)))))))
    T~
    Anyone who knows me from these boards has figured out that I don't have an original thought in my head~ but things I hear and read stick with me and I use them,ad nauseum!

    One of the greatest quotes I heard was from the Denzel Washington ( sigh!!!!) movie "The Great Debaters": We do what we HAVE to do, so we can do what we WANT to do".

    If you have to cry, cry! When you are feeling afraid and stressed, just know that it is truly part and parcel of being dx with this damned Beast. But you will do what you have to do ( surgery, chemo, whatever your treatment plan is)so that you can do what you want to do~ namely have a vital, vibrant Life After Cancer. As someone else once so eloquently said...we are your future, you are our past. And you will make it, sister! We are with you every step of the journey.

    Hugs,
    Claudia

    Thank you ladies
    Thank you ladies for the little nudge and reminders.. I really needed it today... I made it to the appointment... however... due to much conflicting information that I was receiving from nurses radiology dept, and the surgons office you can say that I literally had an emotional melt down right there in the hospital patient registration department...all over what I should expect the day of the sentinal node biopsy and lumpectomy... It finally got cleared up, and now understand that it will be "my surgon" who will perform both proceedures... yikes the nurses were telling me it would be done in the radiology department the morning of the surgery with no anesthetic.... and all I could say was... "THAT IS NOT HAPPENING"... no way no how... all better now... well not all better but at least not sobbing my heart out... deep breath in.... slow breath out.... breath in... breath out.... okay.. I feel some what better... Just for the record... this ride SUCKS.... but I don't think I could make it without all of you...

    THANK YOU!!

    ~T
  • Akiss4me
    Akiss4me Member Posts: 2,188
    taleena said:

    Thank you ladies
    Thank you ladies for the little nudge and reminders.. I really needed it today... I made it to the appointment... however... due to much conflicting information that I was receiving from nurses radiology dept, and the surgons office you can say that I literally had an emotional melt down right there in the hospital patient registration department...all over what I should expect the day of the sentinal node biopsy and lumpectomy... It finally got cleared up, and now understand that it will be "my surgon" who will perform both proceedures... yikes the nurses were telling me it would be done in the radiology department the morning of the surgery with no anesthetic.... and all I could say was... "THAT IS NOT HAPPENING"... no way no how... all better now... well not all better but at least not sobbing my heart out... deep breath in.... slow breath out.... breath in... breath out.... okay.. I feel some what better... Just for the record... this ride SUCKS.... but I don't think I could make it without all of you...

    THANK YOU!!

    ~T

    Yeah...she's back!!
    Got any tissues left? Hubby going to Sam's Club tomorrow to buy case load (I'll share)......told him he should stock up on that and pudding cups (don't know why I got a sudden urge for them).
    He brought me home the pudding cups (5 Kinds!!!).
    What...is he trying to make me fat??? Oh no, there go the hormones again....poor guy. He's going to have a harder time with this trying to figure me out than I will have going thru it (ha,ha) :) Pammy
  • jk1952
    jk1952 Member Posts: 613
    Akiss4me said:

    Yeah...she's back!!
    Got any tissues left? Hubby going to Sam's Club tomorrow to buy case load (I'll share)......told him he should stock up on that and pudding cups (don't know why I got a sudden urge for them).
    He brought me home the pudding cups (5 Kinds!!!).
    What...is he trying to make me fat??? Oh no, there go the hormones again....poor guy. He's going to have a harder time with this trying to figure me out than I will have going thru it (ha,ha) :) Pammy

    Roller Coaster Ride

    Cancer may be the biggest roller coaster you've ever been on. I found myself being in control one minute, then crying when I least expected it. Or, I'd be cool and calm going into a doctor's appointment and a wreck by the time I actually saw the doctor. You are not a wuss...everyone goes through these times. But, eventually, it does get better, and you won't be thinking about this beast 24 hours a day. You may even start having days that you forget he ever reared his ugly face. Please have faith that you're normal and time will heal.

    Joyce
  • Christmas Girl
    Christmas Girl Member Posts: 3,682 Member
    taleena said:

    Thank you ladies
    Thank you ladies for the little nudge and reminders.. I really needed it today... I made it to the appointment... however... due to much conflicting information that I was receiving from nurses radiology dept, and the surgons office you can say that I literally had an emotional melt down right there in the hospital patient registration department...all over what I should expect the day of the sentinal node biopsy and lumpectomy... It finally got cleared up, and now understand that it will be "my surgon" who will perform both proceedures... yikes the nurses were telling me it would be done in the radiology department the morning of the surgery with no anesthetic.... and all I could say was... "THAT IS NOT HAPPENING"... no way no how... all better now... well not all better but at least not sobbing my heart out... deep breath in.... slow breath out.... breath in... breath out.... okay.. I feel some what better... Just for the record... this ride SUCKS.... but I don't think I could make it without all of you...

    THANK YOU!!

    ~T

    Hey, taleena...
    I'm very late to this thread... Although I'm sorry for the complications you faced today at registration, I'm glad you made it through, anyway.

    When I was first diagnosed - I was strongly advised to never go alone to any BC related appointment. To always have someone with me. This was hard, at first, to imagine. I had always gone for mammos and most everything else alone. But, BC is very, VERY different. We just never know when a meltdown will happen, can't be anticipated. For strong, independent women - it's difficult to always ask someone to come along...

    However, I found that the vast majority of the time - folks were MORE than glad to accompany me! Well-intentioned family/friends/neighbors/coworkers really do want to help, do SOMETHING - most of the time, they just don't know WHAT. I remember calling to ask: "Will you go with me?" More often than not, the response was: "Is THAT all you need? Sure!"

    Please don't again go to any appointment alone. This was amongst the very best advice that got me through. Besides, even if all goes well - it's really nice to walk back out into reception afterwards, and there's someone there waiting for you... With a smile, a hug, a touch of the hand.

    Kind regards, Susan
  • Kylez
    Kylez Member Posts: 3,761 Member
    You will go thru a ton of
    You will go thru a ton of emotions. You will be up and the next minute down, and crying. Unfortunately, the diagnosis of this does that to you.

    But, there is hope. You will get thru this, as we all did. And, you will be fine!

    Stay focused on your recovery, accept help from family and friends, and, come here if you need to vent, talk to someone, cry or just to see what your sista's in bc are talking about.
  • rjjj
    rjjj Member Posts: 1,822 Member
    Jan_M said:

    Next time don't be so
    Next time don't be so brave...take someone with you. Even for a check up, have someone, if possible, go with you. You need all the support you can get right now. Before you know it you will have joined the graduates club, with a big Woo Hoo.

    I agree Jan
    Don't try to be so brave, If hubby wants to come let him, You can do it alone, but don't if you don't have to. hugs, jackie