More funny stuff...

bfbear
bfbear Member Posts: 380
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
I thought this was pretty funny medical humor too. Hope you ladies get a laugh:

Dave Berry's Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ' MoviPrep, ' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.

I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.

In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then, you fill it with lukewarm water... (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. ; Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ' Dancing Queen ' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ' Dancing Queen ' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling ' Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine, ' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

Comments

  • Christmas Girl
    Christmas Girl Member Posts: 3,682 Member
    My goodness!
    I hate to admit this, but...

    I'm currently one year overdue for this particular procedure. Now, I'm pondering: does this post inspire me? Or, scare me even more? I'll let you know when I reach a final decision!

    Thanks, bfbear! :-)

    Kind regards, Susan
  • mimivac
    mimivac Member Posts: 2,143
    Funny!
    That's hilarious, Debi. I've never had the procedure, but that actually makes me feel better about it!

    Mimi
  • tgf
    tgf Member Posts: 950 Member

    My goodness!
    I hate to admit this, but...

    I'm currently one year overdue for this particular procedure. Now, I'm pondering: does this post inspire me? Or, scare me even more? I'll let you know when I reach a final decision!

    Thanks, bfbear! :-)

    Kind regards, Susan

    Don't let Dave Barry scare you ...
    I love Dave Barry and everything he writes. I don't know when he wrote that particular article about his colonoscopy ... but I do remember my first one ... about 20 years ago. I was dreading the whole thing ... but knew I needed to get it done because my mother had died of colon cancer when she was 46. So ... I did it ... and I can still remember being stretched out on the bathroom floor trying my best to drink that horrific stuff. It was worse than Dave Barry described! I remember gagging ... and then not knowing if I was going to explode from the stomach or the other end. It was a terrible night.

    But ... the good news is ... medicine has come a L-O-N-G since then. In fact ... the last colonoscopy I had a couple of years ago was nothing compared to that first one. I just had to drink the contents of two tiny bottles of stuff (and they really are small bottles!) ... and then wait. The "explosions" are a good way to describe what happens ... but has to be that way. As I've been told ... "you have to be as clean as a whistle!" And ... boy ... does that stuff clean you out. I swear it's drano ... but ... the doctor says it's not.

    Anyway ... after all of the explosions ... you usually have time to get in a good nights sleep before the procedure. And ... as Dave Barry said ... I have no idea what goes on ... because I was out like a light. Since there is anesthetic involved ... someone must drive to to the procedure and home ... and so ... when I woke up after the procedure ... I was totally relaxed and we were off to Cracker Barrel for some french toast!

    Trust me ... the "new" preps are much easier than the old ones ... so don't let that scare you away if you're due for a colonoscopy.

    hugs.
    teena
  • Alexis F
    Alexis F Member Posts: 3,598
    mimivac said:

    Funny!
    That's hilarious, Debi. I've never had the procedure, but that actually makes me feel better about it!

    Mimi

    That was funny! Thanks! I
    That was funny! Thanks! I have to admit that procedure is scary.
  • bfbear
    bfbear Member Posts: 380
    Alexis F said:

    That was funny! Thanks! I
    That was funny! Thanks! I have to admit that procedure is scary.

    It's not THAT bad....Really
    I my first colonoscopy at 50. I was very worried, too. But although the prep is definitely a challenge, it's not that bad.

    My uncle had it done last year for the first time, at the age of 75, and he was the biggest baby through the prep. I had to mix it for him, then get him to drink the prescribed amount every half hour. By the end I was treating him like a little boy (he's an old bachelor) coaching hin to finish his drink. The first couple of glasses aren't too bad...it's the last few that really gag you, simply becuase you're so full!!! (You mix it with ginger ale...).

    Anyway, it absolutely cleans you out.

    But the procedure itself is nothing. One minute you're talking to your doctor and rolling on your left side, and the next minute you're waking up because it's all over. You feel fine...no lasting effects. In fact my Uncle and I went out for a big breakfast after his!

    So, the moral of the story is: get your colonoscopy when you're supposed to (like your mammograms) and don't worry. It's not so bad! And it could save your life.

    Love you all,
    Debi
  • Kat11
    Kat11 Member Posts: 1,931 Member
    bfbear said:

    It's not THAT bad....Really
    I my first colonoscopy at 50. I was very worried, too. But although the prep is definitely a challenge, it's not that bad.

    My uncle had it done last year for the first time, at the age of 75, and he was the biggest baby through the prep. I had to mix it for him, then get him to drink the prescribed amount every half hour. By the end I was treating him like a little boy (he's an old bachelor) coaching hin to finish his drink. The first couple of glasses aren't too bad...it's the last few that really gag you, simply becuase you're so full!!! (You mix it with ginger ale...).

    Anyway, it absolutely cleans you out.

    But the procedure itself is nothing. One minute you're talking to your doctor and rolling on your left side, and the next minute you're waking up because it's all over. You feel fine...no lasting effects. In fact my Uncle and I went out for a big breakfast after his!

    So, the moral of the story is: get your colonoscopy when you're supposed to (like your mammograms) and don't worry. It's not so bad! And it could save your life.

    Love you all,
    Debi

    I also had this done at age
    I also had this done at age 50. Other that drinking the stuff you have to drink and then spending the day in the bathroom. It was not bad. Go to sleep wake up and go out to eat. No side affects.
  • Jeanne D
    Jeanne D Member Posts: 1,867
    Kat11 said:

    I also had this done at age
    I also had this done at age 50. Other that drinking the stuff you have to drink and then spending the day in the bathroom. It was not bad. Go to sleep wake up and go out to eat. No side affects.

    Hmmmmmmmmmmmm LOL
    That was a good funny Debi! Thanks for the laugh!
  • tasha_111
    tasha_111 Member Posts: 2,072
    Jeanne D said:

    Hmmmmmmmmmmmm LOL
    That was a good funny Debi! Thanks for the laugh!

    Debi
    Very well written.......Funny......LOL Hugs Tasha! :)
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member
    tasha_111 said:

    Debi
    Very well written.......Funny......LOL Hugs Tasha! :)

    As the ladies say, the worst
    As the ladies say, the worst part is the prep. I have had two, no, three of these over the past 12 years. The first two times I had the large bottle that you drink every half hour or whatever and it does get harder and harder to get it down. The last time I had the two tiny bottles. These were easy to get down. The result is the same for either and it is what it is. There is some controversy over the little bottles being very hard on the kidneys (I think) but it is so much easier. I think I also had to drink ginger ale with this but that was no problem. When I had the last colonscopy done, it was also time for my cystocopy (which my urologist does under anesthesia also) so they decided to do them both together (well actually they took turns) but it was great because 1. I only had to be put under once 2. I am charged $100 for any outpatient procedure and only had to pay for one not two because they were done together. This was the same amount I paid for my lumpectomies. Another 2 for 1. Is this good retailing or what?
    Stef
  • Jeanne D
    Jeanne D Member Posts: 1,867
    fauxma said:

    As the ladies say, the worst
    As the ladies say, the worst part is the prep. I have had two, no, three of these over the past 12 years. The first two times I had the large bottle that you drink every half hour or whatever and it does get harder and harder to get it down. The last time I had the two tiny bottles. These were easy to get down. The result is the same for either and it is what it is. There is some controversy over the little bottles being very hard on the kidneys (I think) but it is so much easier. I think I also had to drink ginger ale with this but that was no problem. When I had the last colonscopy done, it was also time for my cystocopy (which my urologist does under anesthesia also) so they decided to do them both together (well actually they took turns) but it was great because 1. I only had to be put under once 2. I am charged $100 for any outpatient procedure and only had to pay for one not two because they were done together. This was the same amount I paid for my lumpectomies. Another 2 for 1. Is this good retailing or what?
    Stef

    LOL Steff! 2 for 1..funny!

    LOL Steff! 2 for 1..funny!