my husband is in denial

Quiet Wife

My husband has just been diagnosed with throat cancer and I think he is in denial. He says he is not angry (I am very angry at the cancer) a little scared but he expects he will be all over in a little. His doctor said he was "very stoic" when he told him he had cancer. But the next day he had a heart attack at home. No previous heart condition, doing some physical work but not more than usual but will not talk about his cancer. He will be having chemo and radiaion together through the VA hospital. He is very thin yet eats plenty. I have been using the word "cancer" often when talking or making plans to try to get him prepared for being sick. I hope I am doing the right thing. I don't want to hurt him if denial is good for him but I also don't want him to have another heart attack. Would like to hear from anyone who has been through this. We are just starting on the journey.

soccerfreaks

Hang in and hang loose
Quiet Wife,

There is really nothing abnormal about his behavior OR your concerns. When my family doctor came in to the room to tell me I had head/neck cancer in '05, my initial response was "Okay. What next?"

I would argue that I was not in denial (I don't know about your husband). I would say that I was thinking, It is what it is.

That is to say, okay, we have this thing to deal with, so let's deal with it.

Later, a few years later, when I was told I had but 10 months to live, more or less (they were wrong), this happened again. On the way home following that diagnosis my wife was bawling, I was driving, and I was comforting her. Was I in denial? I do not believe so.

I was accepting the things I had heard and trying to figure out how to deal with them. Your husband is not in denial if he is accepting treatment, my friend. Denial would be ignoring the disease and letting it kill him. He is not doing that. It appears that he is accepting treatment.

Now, my wife has had to stay on my butt to make it to appointments over the last several years, and I would not fault you for that. On the other hand, reminding someone that they have cancer constantly is rather cruel, actually.

THEY KNOW.

I would advise that you give him all of the love that you obviously have for him, and that you walk this road with him at his pace. It seems from your post that he is NOT in denial, but willing to do what he needs to do to survive.

Those of us who are survivors (and your hub is one of us) generally do not want to wave flags or seek pity. We want to LIVE.

You have a tough job, quiet wife. I am the first one to say that your job, as caregiver, is harder than a survivor's job. I would rather be me than you, without question. I salute you for your concern, for your effort to learn.

Your husband wants to live, as evidenced by your post. That is something to work with. Be patient. Understand that your anger is normal, that your frustration is normal. Understand that his 'stoicism' is a personality product, and that he is dealing with this traumatic event in the best way he knows how.

Find ways to support him in this battle, and find ways to care for yourself. Again, You really do have the tougher job, so take care of yourself: to be a good caregiver, you must take good care of the giver.

Best wishes to your husband, to you, and to your family.

I have a feeling that things will work out fine for you.

Take care,

Joe

mizray

I agree
Hi,

My name is Michele. My husband was diagnosed with throat cancer in March. When he went for his biopsy, they inserted a trach and my husband told everyone who came and asked how long he would have it that it would be out within a month. And we had had doctors hint that he may have it for life! I couldn't understand why he would say 1 month to people, but I didn't say anything. I figured that he needed to believe that in order to get through.

I have also noticed that if I repeat something the doctor has said, he will sometimes look at me in total shock. I think his way of getting through this is by blocking out what he can't handle and by letting me deal with it.

We are at the tail end of treatment (June 4 last treatment) and I thought when the treatment was done, the cancer would be gone. Boy, was I wrong. After treatment is over, they will keep an eye on things to see if the tumor shrinks enough to avoid surgery. We are praying this will be the case as surgery will involve removing the voice box and possibly his tongue.

Also, the doctor told us there was a chance that even if it does shrink enough, it could be back within 3 years. (Thanks, Doc!)

I agree with Soccer about the caregiver going through almost as much as the patient. I have driven a 3 hr round trip to treatment every day for almost 2 months. I have had to take care of everything myself. Plus caring for his trach and learning how to feed him through a feeding tube. I have days that I am more tired than I have ever been in my life. I have stress out times that I go down in the basement and pretend I am doing laundry so that I can have a good cry without him seeing.

I need him to think that I think everything is going to be fine even though I am scared to death I am going to lose him.

I know exactly how you feel (except the heart attack). I am so sorry about that.

You will find a lot of support here.

Good Luck and God Bless

Michele

Quiet Wife

thanks
My husband came home yesterday after an overnight at the VA hospital to have all his teeth removed, a feeding tube and another biopsy. He was very tired and slept for about 12 hours. Today he is getting out (good) but not eating much because he feels "full". I tried to explain that is because of the tube and in time it will get better but he needs to eat, small frequent meals. He used to eat big dinner. He is very thin, has been losing for a while. I think he listened to me but not sure. I am trying to let him be but difficult for me.

His treatments will start in 2 weeks. He says 7 1/2 weeks of radiation and chemo a couple times a week on and off.

I have not gone to the doctor with him. He goes to the hospital by van and I can't go on the van and can't drive on highway to get there. I do go with him to local VA doctor visit and am able to get some info from him. But I wonder if there is more he is not telling me because he doesn't tell me much.

I wish this were not happened to him and to me. Thanks to the group for your support. It is helpful to know that scared is normal.

mizray

Quiet Wife said:

thanks
My husband came home yesterday after an overnight at the VA hospital to have all his teeth removed, a feeding tube and another biopsy. He was very tired and slept for about 12 hours. Today he is getting out (good) but not eating much because he feels "full". I tried to explain that is because of the tube and in time it will get better but he needs to eat, small frequent meals. He used to eat big dinner. He is very thin, has been losing for a while. I think he listened to me but not sure. I am trying to let him be but difficult for me.

His treatments will start in 2 weeks. He says 7 1/2 weeks of radiation and chemo a couple times a week on and off.

I have not gone to the doctor with him. He goes to the hospital by van and I can't go on the van and can't drive on highway to get there. I do go with him to local VA doctor visit and am able to get some info from him. But I wonder if there is more he is not telling me because he doesn't tell me much.

I wish this were not happened to him and to me. Thanks to the group for your support. It is helpful to know that scared is normal.

to quiet wife
That is so funny. My husband also had to have all his teeth removed. He wasn't a good one for going to doctors and dentists because he was on a boat most of the time. And before they could start radiation, his bad teeth had to be removed. Which happened to be all of them. We got dentures made, but his mouth is too sore to wear them yet.

My husband could not be fed thru his feeding tube for almost a week after it was put in. He lost quite a bit of weight during that week and became VERY dehydrated. They ended up hydrating him by IV on the 6th day. He had chemo that day and had to be hydrated anyway, but he had to get twice as much hydration before the chemo because he was SO dehydrated. What should have been a 5 hour session ended up being an 8 1/2 hour session.

I don't know how it works where you are, but here the patient meets with the doctor once a week during radiation. I would encourage you to go on days he meets with his doctor. Maybe a friend or relative could drive you once a week? That would give you the opportunity to ask questions and get updated on his progress. Or maybe you could call the American Cancer Society (they usually have an office in the cancer wing of the hospital)and see if they could help you get a ride on days that he meets with his doctor. I can't believe they won't let you ride with him in the van. That seems cruel to make a cancer patient go to the hospital without a loved one with them for support!!! Is he in a wheelchair? Is that why he goes by van? If not, I would look into other options to get him to the treatments. Especially chemo. He should definitely have someone with him when he has his chemo treatments.

Like I said, I think the patient has the ability to block out things he/she may not really want to hear. Or maybe your husband wants to protect you from anything he may not think you would want to hear.

If all else fails, I would call and see if you can set up a time for the doctor to call you at home and give you updates. But I bet any money that the American Cancer Society will be able to help you with rides.

I think it would make things more scary when you are not sure what is going on. Because your mind will go off on a tangent and come up with the worst scenerios.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Michele