Still not pregnant

melissa_77

Hi; I am a 40yr. who has never gotten pregnant. I had a childhood accident by falling on monkey bars private area hit first.( I was 6) an remembering asking the doctor and my mom, if I was ever going to have kids.No answer, time moves on and I had cancer of the cervex at 16, doctor froze it, scraped it out. Then in my 30's had issues with sever endormitirous and displashia cancer cells,had a surgery, then later on in my 30's, and to have right ovarie and faliopian tube removed due to cancer. normal pap smears,ever since, still have left ovary and tube. Been on again off again birth control since I was about 35 and still no pregnancies. very devasted. my husband of 18 years has 3 girls from first marriage,( does not want anymore children). me devasted.

I have always wanted to be a mom, but I keep convincing myself it is not meant to be, but I still get hurt, when all my girlfriends have kids. I have 4 4-legged kids who feel a void for me. 3 cats and a dog.( but still long for a human child.)I do Love them dearly and treat them like human kids. ha,ha.
Bonzo-cat
Serrena-cat
Rocky-dog
Lucy-cat
2 boys 2 girls !!

Thanks for listening.

joanna39

hi Melissa
Hi Melissa,
I'm competelly understand how are you feel. I'm 39 yeard old and I don't have kids either. I was diagnosted with ovaraian cancer a year ago - 2008. I had total hysteroctomy due to cancer. At the begining of January 2008 me and my husband finally decided that I will get pregent in September, and instead of that I had hysteroctomy. I can't still belive it. So, my dream of having a child was gone. I did something though - I had aggs retrieval, and I got 9 embryos. So somehow I have still a hope, and I'm trying to belive that some day I will find surrogate mother who can bring my child to this world.
Take care
Joanna

lnyeholt

joanna39 said:

hi Melissa
Hi Melissa,
I'm competelly understand how are you feel. I'm 39 yeard old and I don't have kids either. I was diagnosted with ovaraian cancer a year ago - 2008. I had total hysteroctomy due to cancer. At the begining of January 2008 me and my husband finally decided that I will get pregent in September, and instead of that I had hysteroctomy. I can't still belive it. So, my dream of having a child was gone. I did something though - I had aggs retrieval, and I got 9 embryos. So somehow I have still a hope, and I'm trying to belive that some day I will find surrogate mother who can bring my child to this world.
Take care
Joanna

Melissa
I understand a little of what you're feeling since it was difficult for me to conceive. I finally was able to have a child and he is the light of my life. That said, it's hard for me to imagine how I would feel to learn there might never be a baby of my own in my life.

Your desire for a child is complicated not only by your medical problems but also by your husband's lack of interest in more children. How old are your step-children? Do they live nearby? I know it's not the same as your own child but building a loving relationship with them will give you a little of what you feel you're missing with a biological child. I recently married a man with 4 grandchildren and we are having another any day now. Grandchildren are 100% yours and really belong to you even if there is no biological tie. Moms and Dads are always grateful when grandparents volunteer to give them some childcare relief and the great thing is you can have such a big impact your grandchild's life plus you get to send them back to Mom and Dad for all the dirty diapers and sleepless nights!

Sometimes, things are not meant to be. I have an aunt that finally carried a baby to term after 13 miscarriages. The results were not good and eventually led to a lot of heartache and grief. We don't always know the reason but I feel that when we are denied even our heart's desire there's probably a good one never-the-less.

You might consider volunteering for organizations such as Big Sisters, CASA, Boys and Girls Clubs, tutoring at a local school or with other groups that provide mentoring for children in need. I know it's not the same as a child of your own but it will fill some of your desire to nurture little ones and help guide them on their path to becoming happy, healthy, productive adults, which is really what parenting is all about.

I'm sorry for your heartache over this. The fact that you are reaching out tells me that eventually you find a way to fill the space that now seems empty in your heart,

Lyn

lindaprocopio

I echo Lynn's comments about grandchildren!
I've said it to many people, and repeat it here: Having grandchildren has let me be 100% positive that a child does not have to spring from your own body to inspire that gut-wrenching "kill-for-you/die-for-you" love that people seem to think is only inspired by your biological children. I love my grandchildren as much (okay, maybe MORE!! Just don't tell my kids!) as my own children. And my husband, who has NO blood ties to these 2 children, feels the SAME WAY. And I see how my sister-in-law, who had a hysterectomy for ovarian cancer in her early 30's, adores her adopted child, and I know that this love is as intense and REAL as the love she would have for a child from her own body. Even if you don't adopt, you can have a rich meaningful relationship with a lonely child as a 'Big Sister' if you want to volunteer. I don't live with my grandchildren, but I am there for them 24/7 and they know it, and that allows me to have this vibrant 'mothering' relationship with them even when I don't see them every day. My heart goes out to you because I know you don't want to let go of this long-held dream. I respect and understand that. But know that there are other ways to have a child to give your love to. ((((((Big Hugs)))))

BonnieR

lindaprocopio said:

I echo Lynn's comments about grandchildren!
I've said it to many people, and repeat it here: Having grandchildren has let me be 100% positive that a child does not have to spring from your own body to inspire that gut-wrenching "kill-for-you/die-for-you" love that people seem to think is only inspired by your biological children. I love my grandchildren as much (okay, maybe MORE!! Just don't tell my kids!) as my own children. And my husband, who has NO blood ties to these 2 children, feels the SAME WAY. And I see how my sister-in-law, who had a hysterectomy for ovarian cancer in her early 30's, adores her adopted child, and I know that this love is as intense and REAL as the love she would have for a child from her own body. Even if you don't adopt, you can have a rich meaningful relationship with a lonely child as a 'Big Sister' if you want to volunteer. I don't live with my grandchildren, but I am there for them 24/7 and they know it, and that allows me to have this vibrant 'mothering' relationship with them even when I don't see them every day. My heart goes out to you because I know you don't want to let go of this long-held dream. I respect and understand that. But know that there are other ways to have a child to give your love to. ((((((Big Hugs)))))

Amen
That's all I got to say ~ Love Bonnie

carol2dogs

Sorry, Melissa
Melissa,
I know I can't understand fully what you're going through, but I have been through something similar. My husband emotionally blackmailed me into his getting a vasectomy when I was 21. My bodyclock rang a large alarm when I turned 30, but I wasn't smart enough to leave then. By the time I finally did leave, I was 40 and my eggs just weren't any good any more. I clung to this very vague hope that somehow I would find a way to have or adopt a child, but God had other plans for me. I became a teacher of Exceptional Children, and I get to impact the lives of children who need someone like me very much. I love all of my students/kids, and I get to channel many of those biological desires into my job. Unlike most teachers, EC teachers get to be almost/surrogate mothers as well as teachers - at least the teachers with students who have significant mental and developmental delays.
Sorry if this ran a little long, but my point is that God always has the perfect plan for you, even when we can't begin to see or understand it. Listen to that little voice in your gut - like maybe you've always wanted to volunteer for some children's organization, or get more involved in your step-children's lives. Like you, I also love my four-legged children - another huge area needing volunteers. In the meantime, please feel our love for you. Love and hugs, Carol

kayandok

infertility is a huge loss
Hi Melissa, I'm sorry to hear about your unfortunate accident and that you have this huge loss in your life. As a veteran infertility gal (10 years of treatments etc and then 3 adoptions...) I recommend getting a good counselor to work through the issues. I found that even after adopting (very positive experience and I forget that I haven't birthed all my kids) I struggled with the feeling of never having birthed a child. The more I tried to think positive and tried to get over it, the more depressed I got. I think it is a basic instinct and a loss that sometimes needs help addressing and processing with a professional. I could write a book about my experiences with infertility and adoptions (not to mention special needs daughter and the cancer thing) and won't bore you with details but do get someone to talk through this with. I don't think you will regret it. This is a big one and there is good help out there for you.
warm hugs,
kathleen:)

PS I also echo Carol's comment about God having a plan for your life. I can see all of that so clearly now!!! He really does but tuning into it sometimes can take a bit of time.....

Unknown

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