WHO AM I NOW, life after treatment

Christmas Girl

Jeanne D said:

I completed treatments once but..
I completed surgery and radiation treatments 23 years ago for breast cancer. Now, here I am again, I have had the surgery and am now taking radiation treatments, to be followed with tamoxifen for 5 years. This is a new breast cancer, not a recurrence. The doctor's keep telling me that, I guess, thinking it will make me feel better. Guess what? It doesn't. 23 years ago after I completed my treatment, I did look at the world differently. I appreciated more, I loved and lived my life to the fullest. Now, with breast cancer again, I find myself angry, mad and isolating myself as much as I can from the world. My family and friends won't allow me to, but, that is what I want to do. Mainly, because I am just waiting for another cancer to show up somewhere. I will never feel free of it and that is sad. If it does come back somewhere, I am doing nothing about it. I have personally had enough of this. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, love my family and my friends and I have a very good life. Except...I have cancer again and I won't go thru this another time.

Hello, Jeanne D...
Oh, dear. Am so sorry about your 2nd bout with cancer. It is a distinct possibility we all fear, and must - somehow - learn to live with. Your anger is totally understandable. It is one of the expected phases of emotions. Maybe express your anger somehow, let it out (without hurting someone else, of course). Bash a pillow! You're also enduring treatment which plays with our mental & emotional states, sometimes we don't even realize to what extent. For now, try to just focus on getting through this round of radiation. Don't look too far into the future until this big task has been completed. You state you are blessed with many loved ones & a good life. All that is there for you now, and will be in the future. I have faith you'll get back to where you need & want to be. Not merely waiting for another cancer diagnosis. Hopes & prayers your way...

Kind regards, Susan

Christmas Girl

bethforhealth said:

Peggy ~ "Recovery" is the journey you are entering when treatment ends and life begins in a new direction. This part of the cancer journey is often more difficult as their are no professionals directing your steps. But, this is where you get to recover what you remember of who you were, let go of what is gone, and build on the good that remains strong and true. It helps to find someone you trust to talk with from time to time. (I am happy to correspond or chat!) Learning to trust your health again is a big part of this journey. You are a survivor, but move beyond that term and begin to THRIVE, not just survivie! There is much to celebrate, remember, and be grateful for in your life. ~ Beth

Beth - very eloquently put
Hello, Beth. I'm new to this group, joined just a few days ago. This past March marked my 5 year anniversary for completion of all invasive treatments (surgery/chemo/rads). You make very salient points within your message. While in treatment, we're in "fight" mode, we're actually "doing" something to battle the cancer back. When all of that is done, medical appointments continue; but, over time, begin to become farther & farther apart (hopefully!, for this is the ultimate goal). For me - immediately following end of treatment, I was completely relieved to be "done" - glad to be free of what felt like constant poking & prodding, undressing & dressing... you get the picture. Happy to just take a deep breath. Then, next phase: I began to feel "lost"... It took me a while; but, I did finally figure out that I missed the regular directions, instructions, advice, etc. from the doctors, nurses, therapists. Just like you said. All of that made me feel safer. So much info while undergoing treatment was provided - none for survival afterwards.

Here's my own personal analogy: Like falling overboard off of a boat & someone throws you a life preserver, so you float & don't drown (i.e., survival is possible, yet temporary); but, the lifeboat never arrives to pull you out of the water. Can't stay in the water forever. One option only: swim to shore. Reach true survival status on your own power. As long as you've got that life preserver to hang on to - you'll get to shore. Don't have to be a great swimmer. Everyone can at least paddle.

Grateful to be here. That is my state of grace: gratitude. Not always easy, I honestly admit. But truly, for me now - the down moments are just that... moments (just to be clear: moments can be minutes, hours, no more than a whole day). Quite some time ago, one of my favorite & very wise & wonderful nurses told me that this is OK. I'm allowed, have darned good reason, we are ALL allowed. What's important is to not allow ourselves to sink too deep (see? THIS is where the boat analogy began! bless that nurse!) nor for too long.

Thanks for sharing, Beth.

Kind regards, Susan

lmaniacek

bethforhealth said:

Peggy ~ "Recovery" is the journey you are entering when treatment ends and life begins in a new direction. This part of the cancer journey is often more difficult as their are no professionals directing your steps. But, this is where you get to recover what you remember of who you were, let go of what is gone, and build on the good that remains strong and true. It helps to find someone you trust to talk with from time to time. (I am happy to correspond or chat!) Learning to trust your health again is a big part of this journey. You are a survivor, but move beyond that term and begin to THRIVE, not just survivie! There is much to celebrate, remember, and be grateful for in your life. ~ Beth

feeling whole again
i am not sure where to talk to anyone. i lot my right breast last year, and decided for reconstruction this year. in doing this i had my left breast removed. the reconstruction has not gone the way it was to go. i have had 2 surgeries and at least 2 more. my problem is that now that both breast are gone i do not feel like a whole person. i don't even look at myself in the mirror unless i am covered. i feel like i am horrile to look at. how do people go back to living a normal life.

Christmas Girl

bethforhealth said:

Peggy ~ "Recovery" is the journey you are entering when treatment ends and life begins in a new direction. This part of the cancer journey is often more difficult as their are no professionals directing your steps. But, this is where you get to recover what you remember of who you were, let go of what is gone, and build on the good that remains strong and true. It helps to find someone you trust to talk with from time to time. (I am happy to correspond or chat!) Learning to trust your health again is a big part of this journey. You are a survivor, but move beyond that term and begin to THRIVE, not just survivie! There is much to celebrate, remember, and be grateful for in your life. ~ Beth

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Christmas Girl

bethforhealth said:

Peggy ~ "Recovery" is the journey you are entering when treatment ends and life begins in a new direction. This part of the cancer journey is often more difficult as their are no professionals directing your steps. But, this is where you get to recover what you remember of who you were, let go of what is gone, and build on the good that remains strong and true. It helps to find someone you trust to talk with from time to time. (I am happy to correspond or chat!) Learning to trust your health again is a big part of this journey. You are a survivor, but move beyond that term and begin to THRIVE, not just survivie! There is much to celebrate, remember, and be grateful for in your life. ~ Beth

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Ltalcott

lmaniacek said:

feeling whole again
i am not sure where to talk to anyone. i lot my right breast last year, and decided for reconstruction this year. in doing this i had my left breast removed. the reconstruction has not gone the way it was to go. i have had 2 surgeries and at least 2 more. my problem is that now that both breast are gone i do not feel like a whole person. i don't even look at myself in the mirror unless i am covered. i feel like i am horrile to look at. how do people go back to living a normal life.

Talk to us
You have come to the right place to find people to talk to. We've all had different experiences with this beast, but you are not alone.

Remember, you are not breast cancer--you are not your breasts. You are a whole person.

We fight this fight because life is more than breast cancer.

Lisa

ritazimm

lmaniacek said:

feeling whole again
i am not sure where to talk to anyone. i lot my right breast last year, and decided for reconstruction this year. in doing this i had my left breast removed. the reconstruction has not gone the way it was to go. i have had 2 surgeries and at least 2 more. my problem is that now that both breast are gone i do not feel like a whole person. i don't even look at myself in the mirror unless i am covered. i feel like i am horrile to look at. how do people go back to living a normal life.

I have days where I cannot stand to look in the mirror as well. Thankfully they are getting to be fewer and fewer as I move on with life. If I stop to Focus on how my breasts look, I cry. But I seldom focus on that anymore. I am thankful that I can look close to normal when I am dressed and that no one other than my husband has to see me without.

As much as I hate the expression "New Normal" it is actually becoming true for me. I never wanted a new normal or to have my old normal disruppted but I had no choice in the matter. The only choice I have is how I choose to use each moment and I refuse to let the cancer get the best of me either physically or mentally. I have always been one that tries to look nice at all times but I am that way even more so now. I know that strangers have no idea that cancer has changed my life because I look good. (I lost 30 pounds so I actually look better than ever.) I try to face the world each day with a positive attitude and a smile. The more I smile, the more smiles I get in return and it makes my day much brighter. Try to just take it one day/moment at a time. Eventually I think life will find a groove and not feel so terrible.

God bless!

Rita

Christmas Girl

lmaniacek said:

feeling whole again
i am not sure where to talk to anyone. i lot my right breast last year, and decided for reconstruction this year. in doing this i had my left breast removed. the reconstruction has not gone the way it was to go. i have had 2 surgeries and at least 2 more. my problem is that now that both breast are gone i do not feel like a whole person. i don't even look at myself in the mirror unless i am covered. i feel like i am horrile to look at. how do people go back to living a normal life.

Welcome, Imaniacek!
I joined this group only a week ago. Still, I can already assure you that you will find much help, advice, support & encouragement from the amazingly wonderful folks you'll find here.

Breast cancer steals much from us. Please don't allow it to take from you all that you do NOT have to surrender. You have additional surgeries ahead of you. Therefore, you will not always look the way you do now. Remember that you're still "in progress"...

Getting back to "normal" (what the heck IS normal, anyway?) is a different journey for all of us. No matter that, it takes time. And lots of patience.

Maybe try to go a bit easier on yourself, for now. And wait to re-evaluate your appearance until after you've healed from your upcoming surgeries. I hope you'll have an entirely, and much more pleasant, perspective about how you look.

Kind regards, Susan