How did you do it?

Tonia11

Hello all, I'm visiting from the Stomach cancer board. My husband was dx with stomach cancer in Jan. The tumor was unresectable so the plan was for him to undergo 3 rounds of chemo in an effort to shrink the tumor then remove it. Well, he finished his chemo (I must say he tolerated it well) and had his CT. The chemo had not effect on the tumor. There was no shrinkage and now there is a questionable spot on his liver. We meet with his oncologist on Tuesday. I'm anticipating she will begin him on a new "chemo cocktail" and see if we get any results. At this point, I want to get a second opinion to see what other options we have. We live in Atlanta. The onc is affiliated with Piedmont Hosp and his oncological surgeon is affiliated with Emory University Hosp. There's really no other reputable options in Atlanta. So I'm thinking of getting an appt at Duke (ranked #10 for US cancer centers) or at MD Anderson. My husband is from Houston so that makes it a little easier.

My question is have any of you left your kids to receive treatment or accompany a spouse? So far I've been really succesful at maintaining a normal schedule for our boys (ages 7 and 11). But if we decide to go to Houston to explore treatment, I will have to leave my kids with my aunt or a family friend. My best friend has already offered to let them stay with her. But I'm having a very hard time even thinking about leaving my kids. Don't get me wrong I love my husband, we'll be married 13 yrs as of 4/27. But they are MY babies and I want to do all I can to shelter them from this situation and all it involves. I think I'm so upset because I'm finally coming to terms that they will be greatly impacted by what is going on and I really can't do anything about.

pamalama

It's so hard
Tonia,
So sorry you have to make this decision. We have 3 kids 11,9 and 4 and it has been tough for them as well as us. My husband was suppose to be done with treatment at beginning of June and it has been pushed back twice now it's looking at mid-july when he'll be done. My mother in law has offered to have our 11 almost 12 year old for June in Ireland and I'm a bit apprehensive about letting her go, she's my oldest and severely independent so I don't know. My 4 year old got dragged to way too many doctor appts when this all started and I hated myself for having to bring her along. If your boys are very comfortable with those who have offered to watch them and this situation is the least disturbing to their normal routine I think you'd be surprised just how resilient kids can be. If you are planning to take a laptop with you wherever you go to seek treatment have one with a webcam and download skype so you can see and talk to your kids for free. Hope this helps pm me if you have any questions concerning skype.
Pam

CherylHutch

Hard decisions
Tonia... I'm afraid I don't have any answers that will make your decisions any easier for you. I don't have children so that is one area I don't have any expertise when it comes to how cancer impacts them and the family unit as a whole.

You and your husband will have to determine what works best for your family and come up with a plan, no matter how much that disruppts your current routines. You say your husband is from Houston... is there someone from his side of the family that could go with him to the consultation appts. in Houston while you stay home with the kids? And then, when there is a plan that is determined and, assuming your husband has to have surgery or treatments in Houston, then you can explain to the kids that sometimes you will be going with Daddy to hold his hand while he is getting medicine/treatments and other times you will be staying with them at home while Daddy goes by himself? I realize that puts you smack dab in the middle with lots of traveling back and forth but I'm sure you are feeling pulled in both directions anyways, so it's a matter of juggling both as well as you can.

I wish you the best and I'm sure that where one door is closed, another window is thrown open... one that you may not even have noticed yet.

In the meantime, please feel free to come in and vent or share your thoughts or ask for feedback and maybe ideas can be bounced off each other.

Huggggggs,

Cheryl

Tonia11

CherylHutch said:

Hard decisions
Tonia... I'm afraid I don't have any answers that will make your decisions any easier for you. I don't have children so that is one area I don't have any expertise when it comes to how cancer impacts them and the family unit as a whole.

You and your husband will have to determine what works best for your family and come up with a plan, no matter how much that disruppts your current routines. You say your husband is from Houston... is there someone from his side of the family that could go with him to the consultation appts. in Houston while you stay home with the kids? And then, when there is a plan that is determined and, assuming your husband has to have surgery or treatments in Houston, then you can explain to the kids that sometimes you will be going with Daddy to hold his hand while he is getting medicine/treatments and other times you will be staying with them at home while Daddy goes by himself? I realize that puts you smack dab in the middle with lots of traveling back and forth but I'm sure you are feeling pulled in both directions anyways, so it's a matter of juggling both as well as you can.

I wish you the best and I'm sure that where one door is closed, another window is thrown open... one that you may not even have noticed yet.

In the meantime, please feel free to come in and vent or share your thoughts or ask for feedback and maybe ideas can be bounced off each other.

Huggggggs,

Cheryl

Thanks
We do have some family in Houston that would be able to help us. Also, I absolutely forgot that my company has a location in Houston, so if we needed to temporarily relocate I would be able to so and keep my job. Although, I'm not sure how much work I would be doing but it's comforting to know anyway. I realize I'm probably being hyper-sensitive about my children. Children are often more resilent than we as adults think. It's just so much to juggle. And it doesn't really help that my husband is used to me taking care of everything.

Kathleen808

hi Tonia
Hi Tonia,
You're question is a good one. I know we all try to keep balance in our lives when cancer comes creeping (or blasting) in. For those of us with young children, (our daughters are 12 and 14) we have to keep life somewhat normal without denying what is happening. When we found out that my husband had cancer on 1/12/09 our 14 year old was in the middle of finals. After talking to her dean we decided not to tell her until after her last final, which was on Thursday. She and our other daughter came with us to California for my husband's surgery. We have close family in California and they kept the girls while I stayed in the hospital with **** for 8 days. Our 14 year old flew back to Hawaii about 10 days before us and she stayed with friends at our house. It worked out fine and she had to get back to high school.
All that being said, you know your kids best. I knew that I had to be with my husband every step of the way. I also knew the kids were with their grandparents and were very comfortable.
I wish you the best.
Aloha,
Kathleen

ADKer

Kathleen808 said:

hi Tonia
Hi Tonia,
You're question is a good one. I know we all try to keep balance in our lives when cancer comes creeping (or blasting) in. For those of us with young children, (our daughters are 12 and 14) we have to keep life somewhat normal without denying what is happening. When we found out that my husband had cancer on 1/12/09 our 14 year old was in the middle of finals. After talking to her dean we decided not to tell her until after her last final, which was on Thursday. She and our other daughter came with us to California for my husband's surgery. We have close family in California and they kept the girls while I stayed in the hospital with **** for 8 days. Our 14 year old flew back to Hawaii about 10 days before us and she stayed with friends at our house. It worked out fine and she had to get back to high school.
All that being said, you know your kids best. I knew that I had to be with my husband every step of the way. I also knew the kids were with their grandparents and were very comfortable.
I wish you the best.
Aloha,
Kathleen

Children have done fine at home
Hi Tonia -

I have to travel about 5 hours each way for treatment. My husband tries to come with me unless I am just going for a scan or other test. Also, I have had 2 surgeries which each kept me in the hospital for about a week. Our children are 15 and 13. They did come with us for about 3 days during the second surgery but then returned home. When I was in the hospital, I did want my husband with me and he was a big help to me. We are fortunate to have family who can stay with our daughters. Also, my children want me to do as well as possible and they do not want me to be alone. The most important thing that I can do for my children is obtain the best care possible for myself. If it helps me to have my husband with me, then it also helps my children. So, for a number of reasons, we have left our children home with relatives and nothing has happened to cause us to regret that decision.

taraHK

what a good topic
You raise a really interesting question. My boys were 10 and 12 when I was diagnosed. I ended up not going anywhere else for treatment -- but I had world-class doctors/facilities near home, and did seek a second opinion from another city. Yes, I wanted (and still want!) to be near to my kids. But also I wanted their schedule, routine, friends to stay as steady as possible. (Don't we all crave that normality!). Although I didn't go away for treatment, several summers (I have had a long path!) they went away for summer vacation to visit grandparents, cousins, etc. while I stayed home for treatment (and had a family member come stay with me, if my husband went with them). I know they love me and want to be with me, but I also thought it wasn't a bad thing for them to get away from all the treatment stuff (IV poles, hospitalizations, seeing me pathetic) now and then. Anyway, that's my "two bits" worth. It's a very important question. In my humble opinion, the most important thing is for you (your husband) to get the best possible treatment. If it means being away from them for a while, that would be hard -- but the goal is to be there for them long-term. Dance at their weddings, bounce their babies on your knee, etc.!!

BTW, my boys are now 16 and 18!! And I am NED (yea).

Of course having a parent diagnosed with cancer is hard for any child to deal with. But I have been amazed at how wonderfully ours have coped. We made an early decision to be honest and open with them (admittedly in a positive, optimistic way). They joke and tease me about cancer/treament stuff (especailly "chemo brain"). And, although it sounds strange, I believe they are better people for the whole experience. (Of course I still feel awful about the pain I introduced to their lives.....)

I wish you all the best -- with the decisions you face, as well as with your treatment.

Love,
Tara

ps I do know several folk who go to one centre for tests/treatment plan, but then receive their treatment at home. Don't know if this might be an option for you....