Life has changed

TammieT

Hi, I am new here and it has been 3 1/2 years since my husband was diagnosed with rectal cancer. He survived and we are eternally greatful.
We are so different now, he is so different now. I think the hardest part of this has been that I used to feel protected by his strength and sheer presence and now I feel less protected because he is so much weaker. I was a single parent for 12 years and I met my husband and we had been married just 2 weeks shy of 4 years when he was diagnosed. I enjoyed the brief time when our burdens were shared and I felt safe and protected, now I don't understand why I feel less secure now, but he looks more "delicate" to me. Does this make any sense?

slickwilly

It always changes
TammieT. It would depend on why you got married in the first place. If you married because your husband was the physical security and financial provider you needed than that is all up in the air. Cancer can return at anytime. And I don't think any of us get through cancer without changes in our lives. I think people that have been through cancer are some of the strongest people in the world. Its an emotional and physical battle most people don't understand. As far as feeling secure and protected the question is "would your husband put his life on the line for you". If the answer is yes then what more can you ask for. If he cannot provide the financial support as before than that is no different than half the country right now. Marriage is all about changes anyway. Sometimes they happen before we want them too. I had cancer 6 years ago and I am on disability now. Its not what I expected for my retirement but my wife has adjusted. If we travel, camp or do any physical activities we always have to take my neck that is falling apart into consideration. But if she ever made the mistake of thinking I was less of a man than I was before cancer her bags would be at the front door. Because I think I am more of a man then before cancer. And I would not need a dating service as I would come here and hit on the women that have been through cancer. They are all quite special and have more heart which is what I consider the most important part of a woman. Slickwilly

green50

slickwilly said:

It always changes
TammieT. It would depend on why you got married in the first place. If you married because your husband was the physical security and financial provider you needed than that is all up in the air. Cancer can return at anytime. And I don't think any of us get through cancer without changes in our lives. I think people that have been through cancer are some of the strongest people in the world. Its an emotional and physical battle most people don't understand. As far as feeling secure and protected the question is "would your husband put his life on the line for you". If the answer is yes then what more can you ask for. If he cannot provide the financial support as before than that is no different than half the country right now. Marriage is all about changes anyway. Sometimes they happen before we want them too. I had cancer 6 years ago and I am on disability now. Its not what I expected for my retirement but my wife has adjusted. If we travel, camp or do any physical activities we always have to take my neck that is falling apart into consideration. But if she ever made the mistake of thinking I was less of a man than I was before cancer her bags would be at the front door. Because I think I am more of a man then before cancer. And I would not need a dating service as I would come here and hit on the women that have been through cancer. They are all quite special and have more heart which is what I consider the most important part of a woman. Slickwilly

Life are changes
I know we always want that special moments to remain the same. Life changes as we get older and can or can't do certain things. Not just because of cancer but life itself. The things we love and can we do. I have had known cancer 7 years believe me I can't do some of the things I use to chemo tires and weakens me. MY husband was my caretaker for 2 years and he made me feel as beautiful as I did before I lost my hair and chemo weakened my body. Then it was my turn he got lung cancer then I was his care taker along with fighting cancer until he passed on believe me this man who was so strong toward the end looked at me for comfort and he almost never said it until that day, I love you. Yes his body had weakened and I did not want to see him suffer but I took care of him thru a bad back, heart surgery then cancer. I wish he was here so I could be with him no matter what even though I wouldnt want him to suffer severly as he did the last two months of his life. Remember better or for worse richer poorer and in sickness and in health those were my vows and I know its hard for you. Your husband may become stronger. Sometimes it takes time. Make time for yourself but also remember what he has went through and going through. I wish my husband were here. But... Life goes on. I hope you find your answer and can be at ease.
Prayers and Hugs
Sandy

bangormom

Hi Tammie,
Cancer does and
Hi Tammie,

Cancer does and can change your life. Not all changes are bad, how we percieve them is a different story. I count my self on both sides as patient, and caretaker, the caretaker part tho is declining at this time.

Marriages get tested, and this is the hardest test you'll probably face. Yes your husband is probably weaker then he was, but that also comes from age. Ask yourself is he as strong mentaly? I think your feelings are normal about the feeling protected, because you see that he is not invincable phyically, I hope that you can get past that and still love him because that is what he needs. I know that when my husband was laid off right after we bought our house and unemployment ran out, I was diagnosed with renal cell cancer and a rare form of it, we almost lost our home and had to visit food banks, he felt like he failed us. It really depressed him, here he had two kids one with autism, and a bright daughter then a terminally ill wife. There was no money for anything. Something like that can really drag one down, that may be what happend to your husband, give him time to bounce back. Life wont be the same again, but you can still find that it can be good and maybe better, although my time is limited as I am running out of treatment options, I find we have gotten closer. There was a lot of friction in the begining, and still a little, but I know that he loves me and that is what counts. If he loves you hang on to that, because that is the most important.

Maryann

TammieT

Life has changed
Thank you for all the kind responses. I think this problem is about me, not him. He's wonderful, he tells me he loves me everyday and I wouldn't want to do without him, but your right. I thought I was going to France and ended up in Germany. Not that Germany isn't a great place, it's just not what I expected.

He is not less, but he is fragile and I know that this has aged him. Before the cancer, he was sure he was still 20; now he feels closer to his age (61). I guess because he is 15 years my senior, it was a real eye opener to realize that he "became his age" when he has always been so young at heart. I am scared. I don't want anything to happen to him. He is 3 years cancer free but those check ups are a real heartburn to get through.

Tammie

slickwilly

TammieT said:

Life has changed
Thank you for all the kind responses. I think this problem is about me, not him. He's wonderful, he tells me he loves me everyday and I wouldn't want to do without him, but your right. I thought I was going to France and ended up in Germany. Not that Germany isn't a great place, it's just not what I expected.

He is not less, but he is fragile and I know that this has aged him. Before the cancer, he was sure he was still 20; now he feels closer to his age (61). I guess because he is 15 years my senior, it was a real eye opener to realize that he "became his age" when he has always been so young at heart. I am scared. I don't want anything to happen to him. He is 3 years cancer free but those check ups are a real heartburn to get through.

Tammie

changes
Tammie. I was 48 when I went through cancer and 51 when I could no longer work. My brain still says I can do everything I did at 20 and I still try. I might put myself into pain for a few days but I try. It takes more planning now but I won't let cancer control my life. I went through the cancer checks for 5 years also and I know how much frustration and anxiety they bring. But there comes a time when you decide that your going to live life again. At least to the best of your ability. There has never been a gaurantee on our life span. Things that I didn't think were important before are real important now. Seeing the sun come up each day is awesome. Your husband might seem like his real age of 61 now, but 61 is really not that old. I would suspect that he made a major change mentally as cancer will put life into perspective fast. I hope you are both able to adjust and enjoy life. Slickwilly

terato

Slickwilly nailed it!
Tammie,

During these times of economic uncertainty, many marriages are being tested without the presence of cancer. Marriages based on the man's paycheck or the woman's looks will fail to endure challenges as these conditions change. However, a marriage based on mutual love finds that, when one partner is down, the other fills the void, becoming stronger. In the 21st Century, men and women are equal partners in a marriage, with both being mature and complete enough to pick up the slack when the other is weakened.

My WWII veteran father was paralyzed by stroke for the last seven years of his life, and I witnessed my "frail" little Mom become a "warrior princess", enduring every pain and challenge that came her way.

To become secure in your marriage, endure in your marriage!

Love and Courage!

Rick

tonybear

changes
when i came home from from the hospital my wife started saying there was the old tony and the after cancer tony. i thought she was crazy, then after 4 months i noticed a lot of changes in myself. my color preferances, food choices, music, tolerance, kindness. be patient and understanding.the physical recovery time varies from person to person. it takes time ot get over the treatments for cancer it isn't an overnight thing. there will be changes, but talk him through it everyday, sometimes very hour. i still get tired but i keep trying everyday. mentally i am adjusting to a new life. while cancer has changed my life, it isn't my life. i have found this is a great site for information and support. be blessed. tony

akbetty

TammieT said:

Life has changed
Thank you for all the kind responses. I think this problem is about me, not him. He's wonderful, he tells me he loves me everyday and I wouldn't want to do without him, but your right. I thought I was going to France and ended up in Germany. Not that Germany isn't a great place, it's just not what I expected.

He is not less, but he is fragile and I know that this has aged him. Before the cancer, he was sure he was still 20; now he feels closer to his age (61). I guess because he is 15 years my senior, it was a real eye opener to realize that he "became his age" when he has always been so young at heart. I am scared. I don't want anything to happen to him. He is 3 years cancer free but those check ups are a real heartburn to get through.

Tammie

Tammie, I know what you mean
My husband is also older than I am, and even though after twenty years, neither of us is a kid anymore, it's still hard to see him so frail. It is very scary when we realize we could lose our loved ones at any time, and honestly, fighting cancer is not something any of us signed up for. But even as your relationship changes, if real love is there, as it sounds like it is, your love will only be stronger. I thought my husband would take care of me forever, and now here I am doing almost everything for him, and I feel closer to him than ever. I wish you and your husband all the best.

lily33

I understand-It's not just you...
I married my husband for many reasons. I plan on supporting him as he struggles through now his 5th year with kidney cancer. After 5 years though of taking care of everyone else I want to be taken care of too. I crave the physically strong husband I once had...I never thought starting at age 28 (I'm 33 now) I would no longer have a partner that could care for me as well. Just because you mourn what you lost does not make you a selfish person. I wish I could give you a great piece of advice to overcome your insecurity, but it is something I struggle with everyday myself.