Question for any "Old Timers" out there

Kanort

To Each of You!
To each of you who have shared your soul and are fighting this disease, my best healing hugs and well wishes are being sent your way. It is at times like these that survivor's guilt overwhelmes me. I wish I had some magical way to share my wellness with each of you!

Love,

Kay

Buzzard

Julie 44 said:

not just you
I guess we all feel way down and really pissed off that this is happening to us.. Right now I am sooooo tired of all of this treatment..I am 44 stage 3 and had a tumor removed now I am on my 8th treatment..I am sooo sick and tired of feeling crappy and I feel like I am on the biggest roller coaster ride of my life..Good days bad days,emontional and not emontional,sick not sick blah blah blah...Like you said we should be thankful but enough is enough...I just don't want to deal with this anymore either!!!!!
I guess we don't have much of a choice seeing what other options we have but......I guess just know you are not alone and I feel for ALL of us going through this....It really sticks but this is what we are given to deal with I just wish I knew why???? Any clue why us????
Thanks for letting me vent too I am trying not to get to depressed but it really is sooo hard how much more can I take???

My Thoughts on it.......
I get just as mad as everyone about it but then I think about it and ask, what if someone that was not as willing to fight to stay alive had this disease and took their own life, then someone else did the same and on and on. Where would modern medicine be without the benefit of our misfortune ? How many won't suffer because of my misfortune ? I know that my dx is not quite as extreme as either of yours and for that I apologize , but we are all making a difference in what our love ones might or might not face in the future....I did find out that my cancer through genetic testing of the tissue I donated did not reflect a mutated gene that would make it heritary for my kids. They still will need a colonoscopy starting at age 30 but at least it is a legacy that I won't leave them thank the Lord for that. But, I honestly feel that we were the ones to be dealt the bad hands because we are strong enough to ride this out. That is the only way modern medicine will continue to make leaps and bounds and keep us around because of it. God Bless all of you for the blessings that you may never know you will bestow on someones kid or loved one. You may be the actual cancer case that a cure is found with. That keeps me understanding the thought of "why me?" or at least it gives me piece of mind to continue this journey as long as possible.........God Bless you all.....

PhillieG

Buzzard said:

My Thoughts on it.......
I get just as mad as everyone about it but then I think about it and ask, what if someone that was not as willing to fight to stay alive had this disease and took their own life, then someone else did the same and on and on. Where would modern medicine be without the benefit of our misfortune ? How many won't suffer because of my misfortune ? I know that my dx is not quite as extreme as either of yours and for that I apologize , but we are all making a difference in what our love ones might or might not face in the future....I did find out that my cancer through genetic testing of the tissue I donated did not reflect a mutated gene that would make it heritary for my kids. They still will need a colonoscopy starting at age 30 but at least it is a legacy that I won't leave them thank the Lord for that. But, I honestly feel that we were the ones to be dealt the bad hands because we are strong enough to ride this out. That is the only way modern medicine will continue to make leaps and bounds and keep us around because of it. God Bless all of you for the blessings that you may never know you will bestow on someones kid or loved one. You may be the actual cancer case that a cure is found with. That keeps me understanding the thought of "why me?" or at least it gives me piece of mind to continue this journey as long as possible.........God Bless you all.....

I see what you mean...
But no one is talking about wasting themselves. I've mentioned before that I consider myself a "test pilot" as far as this stuff goes. That's why I don't understand how stem cell research is looked down on by the "right" and religious groups. It can save lives, otherwise the embryos would be flushed down the drain. They can learn so much from some cells. I think there is a BIG difference between a stage I or II dx and a II or IV dx and how it eats at you and your quality of life. Face it, they all stink but it goes up in discomfort exponentially I think. There are times I feel I got it because I can handle it.
It's certainly no party.
Thanks for your input...
-p

PhillieG

Julie 44 said:

not just you
I guess we all feel way down and really pissed off that this is happening to us.. Right now I am sooooo tired of all of this treatment..I am 44 stage 3 and had a tumor removed now I am on my 8th treatment..I am sooo sick and tired of feeling crappy and I feel like I am on the biggest roller coaster ride of my life..Good days bad days,emontional and not emontional,sick not sick blah blah blah...Like you said we should be thankful but enough is enough...I just don't want to deal with this anymore either!!!!!
I guess we don't have much of a choice seeing what other options we have but......I guess just know you are not alone and I feel for ALL of us going through this....It really sticks but this is what we are given to deal with I just wish I knew why???? Any clue why us????
Thanks for letting me vent too I am trying not to get to depressed but it really is sooo hard how much more can I take???

To Julie: I figure...
Why not us? Someone has to get it. Better me than my kids I feel. I never really played the "why me" game. It's pointless. It's random. If "bad people" get it or if God is punishing us, why is **** Cheney still alive??? It does get to be a real drag, feel free to vent away. I feel better over the past week with venting on here.
-p

PhillieG

Kanort said:

To Each of You!
To each of you who have shared your soul and are fighting this disease, my best healing hugs and well wishes are being sent your way. It is at times like these that survivor's guilt overwhelmes me. I wish I had some magical way to share my wellness with each of you!

Love,

Kay

:-)
Thank you Kay. Glad you are well, don't be silly about living so long with cancer. That's GREAT!
-p

pamness

PhillieG said:

Thank you
Pam for your kind words. I hope that I can be of some help to someone. People I work with know of my openness to talk about cancer and there have been times when someone they know has been dx with some sort of cancer and they approach me to talk about it. I feel I have been able to help them in some way. Sometimes I believe that I got cancer so I can be of help to others, then other times I feel I got a "bum deal". I tend to brace for the worst though so I can pleasantly surprised if I get a positive result.

With cancer you never really know what is going to happen, everyone can respond very differently than others do to the same protocols. I've had it rather rough at times. It's nasty stuff that can save or prolong our lives. There have been other times it was more of an inconvenience to me. It certainly can wear on the mind after a long time. I think that's where I'm at lately.

Being NED for 18 months is wonderful Pam and having an odd test result doesn't mean you're at stage IV. I hope that things work out and you stay NED. But you do know now that people can be stage IV and can live a pretty good life. If you saw me I doubt you'd know anything was wrong with me.

be/stay well
-phil

Hope you are right about staying ned, stage iv not being so bad
I have had 4 odd cea tests - two CAT scans that were OK and go tomorrow for another CEA. My CEA has been above 4.2 (at Mass General in Boston) for 5 months. The current thinking it is my "normal." I was at 4.7 at diagnoses - 2.5 my lowest during chemo and 4.2 for the last 5 months. All CT's are clear. Nothing that has happened to me during the last 30 months - from diagnoses, surgery, treatment until now has been "normal" but, hopefully, it will be OK.

Thank you for your response. It was encouraging.

I wish you all the best.

Pam

Julie 44

PhillieG said:

:-)
Thank you Kay. Glad you are well, don't be silly about living so long with cancer. That's GREAT!
-p

Staying strong
Can you tell me how you stay strong and keep the faith?? I am having a VERY hard time right now with staying positive..Treatment really sticks right now and I am getting very depressed...I am working and trying to deal with life but it just seems to be getting harder and harder to deal with..Can ANYONE help me out here?? I am losing it!!!!

PhillieG

Julie 44 said:

Staying strong
Can you tell me how you stay strong and keep the faith?? I am having a VERY hard time right now with staying positive..Treatment really sticks right now and I am getting very depressed...I am working and trying to deal with life but it just seems to be getting harder and harder to deal with..Can ANYONE help me out here?? I am losing it!!!!

Hang in there
I'm sorry you are going through this now Julie. I'm constantly on a roller coaster of emotions and feelings. It's hard to work and deal with this at the same time too, I'm the main bread winner and insurance holder so that's extra pressure.

I see a very good therapist who has dealt with some people living with cancer, that helps me a lot. I also take an antidepressant and anti anxiety medication too. Some days I still feel I'm at the end of my rope. Sometimes I just cry it out. I also try to keep distracted with things that I get enjoyment from like photography and playing guitar(s).

Some people find help through faith, I can say that I personally do not but if that works for you then by all means seek help there. You just have to hang in there, the feelings will pass and it will get easier. Try to take walks and just do things you can enjoy. That's the best I can offer.
-phil

rrob

Julie 44 said:

Staying strong
Can you tell me how you stay strong and keep the faith?? I am having a VERY hard time right now with staying positive..Treatment really sticks right now and I am getting very depressed...I am working and trying to deal with life but it just seems to be getting harder and harder to deal with..Can ANYONE help me out here?? I am losing it!!!!

Staying Strong
Julie,

I understand how you feel. I dreaded my last 3 or 4 chemo treatments so much that I would cry on the way. When I was doing my chemo, I did massage therapy through a local nonprofit in conjunction with Cancer Care Services and I also saw a counselor every two weeks. I tried to find something hopeful in every day; some days it was just that the sky was a gorgeous blue or that there was a cardinal in my yard. I would stop and thank God that I was alive to see it. When I was diagnosed at Stage IV, I was afraid I wouldn't see my youngest son graduate from high school. He graduates June 4 and I'm here and doing great. So take it one day at a time, cry when you need to, but keep on fighting. I highly recommend a therapist or counselor to talk it out with and I know lots of people have really been helped by antidepressants. Good luck.

Rebecca

Shayenne

rrob said:

Staying Strong
Julie,

I understand how you feel. I dreaded my last 3 or 4 chemo treatments so much that I would cry on the way. When I was doing my chemo, I did massage therapy through a local nonprofit in conjunction with Cancer Care Services and I also saw a counselor every two weeks. I tried to find something hopeful in every day; some days it was just that the sky was a gorgeous blue or that there was a cardinal in my yard. I would stop and thank God that I was alive to see it. When I was diagnosed at Stage IV, I was afraid I wouldn't see my youngest son graduate from high school. He graduates June 4 and I'm here and doing great. So take it one day at a time, cry when you need to, but keep on fighting. I highly recommend a therapist or counselor to talk it out with and I know lots of people have really been helped by antidepressants. Good luck.

Rebecca

One Day At A Time...
...Is all I do, just taking one day at a time to appreciate that I'm still here, and a positive attitude that you can get through this does help me. Sometimes when I start feeling really low, I will turn to my kids for a hug, and that's all I need, to know why I'm here and why I'm fighting. "Dream as if you'll live forever, Live as if you'll die tomorrow" has been a favorite quote of mine that I like to go by. I keep thinking things like, I could be hit by a car tomorrow, I could be shot, no one exactly what their future holds, only God knows, and I'm in his hands, how do I know this will be the disease that kills me, when something or someone else can...I don't ever look to the future, I look for the day, and live day by day, thanking God I'm still here, and will not go down too soon, I want to fight, even in my low days. I also am on an antidepressant and anti-anxiety which does help, Julie, you just have to focus on other things besides the illness, try focusing on other more beautiful things, I know it's hard, but it became a habit to me now, once I start feeling bluesy, I automatically start rethinking to more better things..don't let the disease take your spirit away, beat it, you can do it!

~Donna

CherylHutch

Julie 44 said:

Staying strong
Can you tell me how you stay strong and keep the faith?? I am having a VERY hard time right now with staying positive..Treatment really sticks right now and I am getting very depressed...I am working and trying to deal with life but it just seems to be getting harder and harder to deal with..Can ANYONE help me out here?? I am losing it!!!!

Staying Strong
Hugggggs, Julie! I don't know if there is any magic bullet to make things any easier. Cancer sucks... and no matter what stage you are at, it still sucks! Having to revolve your days around medical appointments suck. Knowing that life is not the normal that you once had sucks. Actually, it seems that everything about cancer sucks and that's the plain truth.

I would definitely recommend you go see your GP and let him/her know you feel you are at the end of your rope and you need something to help you out of the depression because that is exactly what it is... depression. It is very hard, if not impossible, to think positive thoughts and have a positive attitude when you are depressed. And what causes this depression? It's usually a chemical imbalance from having so much stress thrown at you... and fear and terror. The body and mind try to compensate and work it out but sometimes things just get thrown so out of wack you are left feeling horrible. The doctor can prescribe some anti-depressant meds and/or anti-anxiety meds. They don't work right away... they usually take a couple of weeks to kick in... but once they do the difference is like night and day. You can then think more clearly, make plans and realize that you really can fight this beast and be positive about it.

That's not to say you are going to turn into a happy Pollyanna. No matter how positive we may come across here in this forum... we ALL have our days where we snap or get pissed off or lose patience with those around us who don't have cancer. But for the most part, if one can keep balanced, the pros do outweigh the cons.

I know that when I was at my lowest... not only was I depressed, but I was terrified... things couldn't get much worse (or so I thought). My doctor did prescribe anti-depressant meds and anti-anxiety meds and I really do think they helped. I didn't have to stay on them, but I know they are there in case I do need them again. Basically, what I think I've done is gone into denial. I don't deny that I have a serious cancer condition, but I'm in denial that anything bad is going to happen to me. And I hang onto that denial because that makes getting through every day so much easier. When I do go to see my onc, I really am surprised when we are actually testing for something serious... but I prefer my denial than the terror I went through.

So, whatever gets you through, latch on to it. It might mean trying a few different things until you find what is right for you, but you will know when you've found it. But for starters, do go and talk to your doctor and see about getting some meds to help you through this depression.

Hugggggs,

Cheryl

Julie 44

CherylHutch said:

Staying Strong
Hugggggs, Julie! I don't know if there is any magic bullet to make things any easier. Cancer sucks... and no matter what stage you are at, it still sucks! Having to revolve your days around medical appointments suck. Knowing that life is not the normal that you once had sucks. Actually, it seems that everything about cancer sucks and that's the plain truth.

I would definitely recommend you go see your GP and let him/her know you feel you are at the end of your rope and you need something to help you out of the depression because that is exactly what it is... depression. It is very hard, if not impossible, to think positive thoughts and have a positive attitude when you are depressed. And what causes this depression? It's usually a chemical imbalance from having so much stress thrown at you... and fear and terror. The body and mind try to compensate and work it out but sometimes things just get thrown so out of wack you are left feeling horrible. The doctor can prescribe some anti-depressant meds and/or anti-anxiety meds. They don't work right away... they usually take a couple of weeks to kick in... but once they do the difference is like night and day. You can then think more clearly, make plans and realize that you really can fight this beast and be positive about it.

That's not to say you are going to turn into a happy Pollyanna. No matter how positive we may come across here in this forum... we ALL have our days where we snap or get pissed off or lose patience with those around us who don't have cancer. But for the most part, if one can keep balanced, the pros do outweigh the cons.

I know that when I was at my lowest... not only was I depressed, but I was terrified... things couldn't get much worse (or so I thought). My doctor did prescribe anti-depressant meds and anti-anxiety meds and I really do think they helped. I didn't have to stay on them, but I know they are there in case I do need them again. Basically, what I think I've done is gone into denial. I don't deny that I have a serious cancer condition, but I'm in denial that anything bad is going to happen to me. And I hang onto that denial because that makes getting through every day so much easier. When I do go to see my onc, I really am surprised when we are actually testing for something serious... but I prefer my denial than the terror I went through.

So, whatever gets you through, latch on to it. It might mean trying a few different things until you find what is right for you, but you will know when you've found it. But for starters, do go and talk to your doctor and see about getting some meds to help you through this depression.

Hugggggs,

Cheryl

Thanks Everyone
I want to thank everyone for their advice..It does help to know that other people go through the same feelings..I will talk to my doctor and talk to my Pastor..I really do need to talk this out..I hate to feel so out of it...Thanks again to everyone Hugs Julie

joanneire

Julie 44 said:

Thanks Everyone
I want to thank everyone for their advice..It does help to know that other people go through the same feelings..I will talk to my doctor and talk to my Pastor..I really do need to talk this out..I hate to feel so out of it...Thanks again to everyone Hugs Julie

Oct 2004
Hi

My husband was diagnosed in Oct/Nov 2004 - stage 4 at 25. We now have a beautiful 5 month old baby boy (conceived naturally - the only one more surprised than us was the oncoloogist!). He's fighting all the time and plans to be here for as long as possible!!!

msccolon

joanneire said:

Oct 2004
Hi

My husband was diagnosed in Oct/Nov 2004 - stage 4 at 25. We now have a beautiful 5 month old baby boy (conceived naturally - the only one more surprised than us was the oncoloogist!). He's fighting all the time and plans to be here for as long as possible!!!

your husband
I can't imagine what it has been like for you guys to be fighting this beast as young as you are. My oldest daughter just turned 25 ... He definitely has youth on his side, and to have a baby is AWESOME! Sounds like you guys are definitely fighters, but I still hate that such a young person has to deal with this stuff. I am sure all of your friends are worrying about silly things that all 25 year olds should be worrying about. Thank you for posting!
mary

CherylHutch

joanneire said:

Oct 2004
Hi

My husband was diagnosed in Oct/Nov 2004 - stage 4 at 25. We now have a beautiful 5 month old baby boy (conceived naturally - the only one more surprised than us was the oncoloogist!). He's fighting all the time and plans to be here for as long as possible!!!

Congrats!
Congratulations Joanneire!! A 5 month old baby boy... that is so wonderful! And your husband being diagnosed 5 years ago as Stage IV and is still putting up a good fight at 30... a sign of many good years to come!

When he was diagnosed 4 1/2 years ago, where did he have his cancer and he mets? And now, today, does he still have any known cancer... or is he NED (No Evidence of Disease)?

Would love to hear his story!

Huggggggs,

Cheryl

PhillieG

joanneire said:

Oct 2004
Hi

My husband was diagnosed in Oct/Nov 2004 - stage 4 at 25. We now have a beautiful 5 month old baby boy (conceived naturally - the only one more surprised than us was the oncoloogist!). He's fighting all the time and plans to be here for as long as possible!!!

That's fantastic
I'm very sorry your husband has cancer and at such a young age (I was 46 when dx) but congrats on the baby boy. He's not named NED is he??? :-)

All the best to all of you, keep on keeping on as they say...
-phil

pamness

PhillieG said:

Hi Tara
I'm not sure what would be harder, never stopping treatment like my case or stopping and having it come back (3 times yet). I certainly feel that if I do become NED, it will get me in the end@!^%$@!^%. True, we could roll up and wait to die but that's no fun at all. I agree, thank goodness for xanax and zoloft and my friend Herb who keeps that nasty Ralph away.
Hang in there Tara and thanks for your response. You beat me in the longevity contest. That's great you've keep up the battle and are ahead of the game
-phil

God bless all of you and I join you in saying
thank you to the pharmaceutical industry.

I will send all my good thoughts and wishes your way.

Pam

pamness

Julie 44 said:

not just you
I guess we all feel way down and really pissed off that this is happening to us.. Right now I am sooooo tired of all of this treatment..I am 44 stage 3 and had a tumor removed now I am on my 8th treatment..I am sooo sick and tired of feeling crappy and I feel like I am on the biggest roller coaster ride of my life..Good days bad days,emontional and not emontional,sick not sick blah blah blah...Like you said we should be thankful but enough is enough...I just don't want to deal with this anymore either!!!!!
I guess we don't have much of a choice seeing what other options we have but......I guess just know you are not alone and I feel for ALL of us going through this....It really sticks but this is what we are given to deal with I just wish I knew why???? Any clue why us????
Thanks for letting me vent too I am trying not to get to depressed but it really is sooo hard how much more can I take???

Stage III and 44 not fair
However, there any many great stories about stage III survivors. I good friend of mine was diagnosed Stage III rectal cancer at 33. She is doing just fine and is currently ned.

I was also Stage IIIA at 54 (older than you) but, currently, ned - with many, many bumps in the road. If you are feeling depressed, seek profesional help. "Situational depression" is not unusual in cancer patients. I went and saw a therapist - they put me on zoloft - it really helped.

Pam

butterfly23

PhillieG said:

That's fantastic
I'm very sorry your husband has cancer and at such a young age (I was 46 when dx) but congrats on the baby boy. He's not named NED is he??? :-)

All the best to all of you, keep on keeping on as they say...
-phil

HI
I know how you are feeling and I have only been diagnosed a little over a year ago, I had 12 rounds of 5fu, surgery, I was NED for only 2 months and my lymph nodes are affected again. I did have 2 months of NED..However, I am MAD. I have all the faith and strength and positiveness I can possible have but lately I have been feeling very mad. I guess we all go through different feelings at different times. I had to put my dog of 13 yrs to sleep 2 weeks ago, also due to cancer.. ever since then I have felt mad, I hate to feel down but that was quite a blow to me! We are all very strong on this website, thank God for this website you truly meet some wonderful people, they lift your spirits when you have a bad day... I wish you the best. Keep your chin Up!!! We are all here for eachother!
God Bless!
Karyn

PhillieG

butterfly23 said:

HI
I know how you are feeling and I have only been diagnosed a little over a year ago, I had 12 rounds of 5fu, surgery, I was NED for only 2 months and my lymph nodes are affected again. I did have 2 months of NED..However, I am MAD. I have all the faith and strength and positiveness I can possible have but lately I have been feeling very mad. I guess we all go through different feelings at different times. I had to put my dog of 13 yrs to sleep 2 weeks ago, also due to cancer.. ever since then I have felt mad, I hate to feel down but that was quite a blow to me! We are all very strong on this website, thank God for this website you truly meet some wonderful people, they lift your spirits when you have a bad day... I wish you the best. Keep your chin Up!!! We are all here for eachother!
God Bless!
Karyn

It's Tough
Whether it's 1 year or 5 years it is a tough battle. I think that's when you read in the paper that so-and-so died after a long battle with cancer, it really hits the nail on the head as far as the fight goes. We all are fighters here though I feel. It's got it's ups and downs for sure and who knows what the outcome will be. I just hope that all of us do the best we can. I've been on a MAD thing too, it was just 5 years for me. I thought I'd be rid of it by how. I didn't think I would be dead though for some reason even though the odds were against me. I feel I will go on for a while yet. I get CT scan results Monday. Hoping for a stable reading at best.
Thanks everyone for their comments on my post and keep them coming.