Feeling depressed ...

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  • divablu
    divablu Member Posts: 75
    #22
    survivor51 said:

    one down two to go
    Hey D,
    Well, the chemo is finished and then think step 3, the reconstruction. I have just about finished mine with the last tatooing and might I say, the "girls" are bodacious. I know when I finished the chemo, everyone wanted to celebrate but I sure didn't feel like celebrating because it is not the "end" of my treatment both phyically but also mentally and emotionally. All of that the sisters here totally understand although each of us have a different yet similiar experience. I now have my hair back and yes it did come back in another color but you know, I am getting to use to this. Some stated I could dye it back to "my" color but I decided...this is "my" color now. You have good days and bad days so just live within the day and not the tomorrows. Try to watch some old movies, funny movies, read the Mitford" series. They are great and simple read. Not about anything but town folk talk but you can connect to all the characters. A good escape from all this treatment. Take care and we are here. Angela

    Bodacious
    I watched the WaterHorse ... good fantasy!

    On Wednesday I get my port removed, another step. I'm looking forward to my hair growing back, I'm wishing for curley and red.
  • phoenixrising
    phoenixrising Member Posts: 1,508
    #23
    Irishwhispers said:

    Giddy Up Diva!!!!! *Big Smile*
    Actually first smile of the day here and its almost 6:30 PM here....
    I used to have TN Walkers... boy, do I miss them ....

    I have been reluctant to post on this subject because Im so stubborn, for one, and because I keep saying this will pass...
    I finished my Adrimycin/Cytoxan rounds in Nov.2008- had a bit of a break before my Onc put me on Arimidex........... I have to say that during that break ... I started feeling like my "old" self...then about 4 & 1/2 weeks into the Arimidex.. I started having a terrible time.. bone pain, muscle aches, insomnia, mood swings all the fun stuff! Ha! I have always been very active til this hit... you said it right when you said "holding pattern"
    Well I saw my onc this week told him that I tried to continue taking the Arimidex even tho I was moving like I was 150 yrs old, not sleeping, and deeper than deeply depressed. He took me off the Arimidex for 2 weeks.... which its only been a couple days and the bone pain is a little better....the depression is getting worse ... and I keep thinking its because once the 2 weeks is over he is going to put me on either Femera or Aromasin ... Im stubbling here because I want to just scream ... all 3 of these drugs have the same side effects!!!! Why bother...and not only does he think I will be on it for 5 yrs.. he keeps saying maybe longer... I am seriously thinking of telling him Thank you but no thank you... these drugs have some major risk factors....

    I grew up with an American
    I grew up with an American Saddle Bred Palomino and I sure do miss him. I used to have to climb the fence to get on his back and my feet wouldn't reach the stirrups but he would be oh so gentle with me. He had such a beautiful deep golden colour at the end of summer. I can appreciate your love of horses.

    There have been quite a few past posts of the relationship between low Vit D levels and joint/bone pain that comes with the Aromatase Inhibitors. It would be good to get yours checked. Many women have found they have low levels even though they have been taking supplements. Exercise has also been noted to help improve it as well although you may not feel up to it right now. I don't know if the Vit D will help with the insomnia or mood swings but who knows. Also there are some differences in the Aromatase Inhibitors. Arimidex is non steroidal but I believe the Femera is steroidal. No guarantees, but maybe the other might affect you differently. I've also heard Effexor can help with pain as well as mood, might be worth a shot as mood seems to affect everything and can sensitize us to pain.

    Hope you find some relief
    love
    jan
  • phoenixrising
    phoenixrising Member Posts: 1,508
    #24
    survivor51 said:

    one down two to go
    Hey D,
    Well, the chemo is finished and then think step 3, the reconstruction. I have just about finished mine with the last tatooing and might I say, the "girls" are bodacious. I know when I finished the chemo, everyone wanted to celebrate but I sure didn't feel like celebrating because it is not the "end" of my treatment both phyically but also mentally and emotionally. All of that the sisters here totally understand although each of us have a different yet similiar experience. I now have my hair back and yes it did come back in another color but you know, I am getting to use to this. Some stated I could dye it back to "my" color but I decided...this is "my" color now. You have good days and bad days so just live within the day and not the tomorrows. Try to watch some old movies, funny movies, read the Mitford" series. They are great and simple read. Not about anything but town folk talk but you can connect to all the characters. A good escape from all this treatment. Take care and we are here. Angela

    Hi Angela, I thought I was
    Hi Angela, I thought I was going to have a huge research/test report burning party at the end of my chemo. But it seems like there are always ongoing issues and I haven't felt free enough from this to do it yet. Maybe soon.
  • peggy65
    peggy65 Member Posts: 100
    #25
    lynn1950 said:

    Thanks
    Today is an anxious day (they come and go), and it helps to "hear" your posts. Hope today is a good day for you. Love, Lynn

    you are so right. i finished
    you are so right. i finished treatment, chemo and radiation almost a year ago and still have anxious days. i am continuing antidepressants and feel they must be working. certain days, as you say, are better than others. yikes! but i know that we are on the right track. it just takes so much longer than i ever anticipated. hugs, peggy
  • peggy65
    peggy65 Member Posts: 100
    #26
    good for you! chemo really
    good for you! chemo really does a job on you. not to mention that we lose every hair on our body. that was wierd, i expected the hair on my head to go but not everywhere else. anyway, my hair has all grown back in. it is curly so i am keeping it real short. anyway having your port out will be great. it is one step closer to finishing everything. i am still trying to learn to be more patient with everything. it is difficult for a type a personality. this is a good lesson. hope that port removal goes ok, love, peggy
  • peggy65
    peggy65 Member Posts: 100
    #27
    divablu said:

    Go ahead and scream! I know
    Go ahead and scream! I know I would. I sure feel your frustration. At the end of my Arimycin chemo I did just curl up in a ball and cry and scream. My poor husband!

    A day at a time. What a tough road this is for us all. I hope one of these meds works better for you. What does your oncologist say about stopping them?

    i am all for screaming and
    i am all for screaming and hollering. it is good for the soul. go ahead. crying is good too. love, peggy
  • peggy65
    peggy65 Member Posts: 100
    #28
    Chellebug said:

    Tamoxifen
    Not everyone has bad reactions to Tamoxifen. Within 2 days of taking 1-20mg pill each day, I became a blubbering fool. Then it seemed like I worked through that, but about two more months into taking it that way, I started with more emotional ups and downs.

    A few ladies on this board suggested I take it twice a day in 10 mg pills. I checked with my pharmacist to see if I could split my pill in half and take one in the am and one in the pm. He said it was okay. Within 2 days I felt SO MUCH better. The next time I saw my doctor she re-wrote the prescription so that I had 10mg tablets, twice a day.

    You know, divablu, I was so strong during my treatments. I checked off the milestones and tried to make life as normal as possible for my kids. Then, I went through depression at the end and am now taking Effexor. But I recently realized that I'm grieving the me that I once was. And that's okay. In fact, it's good. I never really let myself do that during treatment. So rather than stuffing it under another milestone, I'm going to experience the grief, and then move on when I am ready. I can still smile, I can still laugh, I still praise my God in the midst of this storm. But in the quiet moments of the evening I am still grieving.

    So, if you're wanting a good 'ol kick in the behind, you won't be getting it from me. Instead I say, "ride this wave, eventually it will crash onto the shore and your feet will be on solid ground once more."

    Chelle

    this is the first time that
    this is the first time that i heard anyone say that they are grieving the cancer and the way that they used to be. i feel that i am in the grieving process as well. i am in the stage where i am beginning to accept the fact that i will never be the same person that i was, but feel that that is not such a bad thing. sometimes it takes a whopper to give us the opportunity to rethink who we are and how we are doing things. i certainly would hav e continued to try to be miss perfect and doing everything and driving myself crazy doing it had it not been for the cancer stopping me in my tracks. keep in touch. blessings, peggy
  • lynn1950
    lynn1950 Member Posts: 2,570
    #29
    peggy65 said:

    you are so right. i finished
    you are so right. i finished treatment, chemo and radiation almost a year ago and still have anxious days. i am continuing antidepressants and feel they must be working. certain days, as you say, are better than others. yikes! but i know that we are on the right track. it just takes so much longer than i ever anticipated. hugs, peggy

    Worst meltdown ever
    This morning I fell apart. It was so awful I scared myself. I have never been so down in my life. I felt so alone and worthless. I take antidepressants and the psych keeps upping the dose, but I don't think they're working. After the storm, I called and talked to a friend. And I am feeling better now. Later today I'm going over to her house to watch a funny movie.

    I'm not sure why I'm writing this except to let others who have these episodes know that they are not alone. Lynn
  • tasha_111
    tasha_111 Member Posts: 2,072
    #30
    divablu said:

    Thanks ....
    I see my radiologist on Friday the 13th ... how funny is that! Actually, Friday the 13th is a good day for me, that is our anniversary. How funny is that!!!!

    We need to keep in touch and share notes about our radiologist appointments. It seems we are pretty similar in the treatment schedule.

    My journey actually started on June 27 (my birthday ... another funny moment) I found a large lump in my left breast and got right in for a mammogram and ultrasound that showed no lump at all! September 12 I had a mastectomy and they removed 21 lymph nodes, of which 12 were positive for cancer.

    Anyway, January 21 was my last chemo and I was elated. Then came an attack of the blues. I have been on Effexor for a while, but haven't wanted to raise the dosage. I better seriously check into that.

    I still wonder about my recovery. This last summer I was healthier than I had been in years ... strong, riding, active ... Some days I wonder how or if I will get back to that.

    Horses ... I have two Arabs. The grey is around 15 years old, Arab/Quarter Horse mix and a wonderful cranky personality! I love her for that! She is a great trail horse, and definitely the lead mare. My other horse, the bay about 8 years old, mare, is Arab and an absolute delight! I love her to death! A week ago my husband took me and the horses to a friend's indoor arena and I rode Baby Diva. She was a delight! Riding is better than Prozac for me! It felt great! Short but great. I am going riding again tomorrow. We are in Montana in the Bitterroot Valley, cold but the snow has left for awhile. Good time to do some tuning up before Spring.

    During my 6 weeks of radiation we will be meeting with a doctor about reconstructive sugery. I figure that will fall sometime in April. And by May I will be a new woman! One breast silcone the other au natural!

    I do see the light at the end of the tunnel, some days it gets clouded in fog. This is a long journey we are all on, I'm praying to be cancer free for at least 10 years! This cancer stuff is tough, for me anyway, so much unknown. I like my oncologist, but the answers are not as clear as I would like, so I seem to keep asking him the same questions over and over again. Bless Dr. Thomas for his patience!

    Keep in touch ... how do we do that with this blog??? I will let you know about my appointment with the radiologist.

    Half Pass
    I had to sell my two lovely Belgians as I was too ill to care for them properly... I never even got to ride them, not even once. I did 20 years with dressage/3 day eventers, now I can't even ride a draft horse...so sad. I just put my second love for sale on ebay tonight, my piano accordion. amazing just how much we have to give up innit?

    Depressed as all hell.........J
  • peggy65
    peggy65 Member Posts: 100
    #31
    lynn1950 said:

    Worst meltdown ever
    This morning I fell apart. It was so awful I scared myself. I have never been so down in my life. I felt so alone and worthless. I take antidepressants and the psych keeps upping the dose, but I don't think they're working. After the storm, I called and talked to a friend. And I am feeling better now. Later today I'm going over to her house to watch a funny movie.

    I'm not sure why I'm writing this except to let others who have these episodes know that they are not alone. Lynn

    hi lynn, yes i too have had
    hi lynn, yes i too have had major meltdowns. it really is scary. when it happens i also feel worthless and totally useless. i am on zoloft and that helps but i still have my days when nothing is right. then i feel guilty because after treatment i am cancer free, so why am i feeling sorry for myself. i feel very fragile still and i get overwhelmed easily. so unlike the before cancer peggy. i posted a comment earlier about grieving. i think that is what is happening to me and maybe to you. i know that i am not the same person that i was. my energy level is low and i am not as outgoing. i am hoping as time goes by this too shall pass. love to hear how you are doing. peggy
  • lynn1950
    lynn1950 Member Posts: 2,570
    #32
    peggy65 said:

    hi lynn, yes i too have had
    hi lynn, yes i too have had major meltdowns. it really is scary. when it happens i also feel worthless and totally useless. i am on zoloft and that helps but i still have my days when nothing is right. then i feel guilty because after treatment i am cancer free, so why am i feeling sorry for myself. i feel very fragile still and i get overwhelmed easily. so unlike the before cancer peggy. i posted a comment earlier about grieving. i think that is what is happening to me and maybe to you. i know that i am not the same person that i was. my energy level is low and i am not as outgoing. i am hoping as time goes by this too shall pass. love to hear how you are doing. peggy

    Thanks, Peggy
    I am changed and it sucks. Many people talk about feeling stronger for the experience. I wonder if that is a step past where I am at? My husband points out that I get overwhelmed easily, and it is true. I think I want time and space to stand still while I recover; then the earth can start rotating again. Lynn
  • divablu
    divablu Member Posts: 75
    #33
    tasha_111 said:

    Half Pass
    I had to sell my two lovely Belgians as I was too ill to care for them properly... I never even got to ride them, not even once. I did 20 years with dressage/3 day eventers, now I can't even ride a draft horse...so sad. I just put my second love for sale on ebay tonight, my piano accordion. amazing just how much we have to give up innit?

    Depressed as all hell.........J

    "Life comes at you fast
    "Life comes at you fast sometmes" ... That is what I am saying often. I'm hoping I don't lose my little bay mare. We are working on dressage. Rode yesterday and paid for it today ... tired and heavy tears today. So much is changing since the bc journey started. I certainly understand your feeling ... I'm depressed as hell today. Keep fighting!
  • divablu
    divablu Member Posts: 75
    #34
    phoenixrising said:

    I grew up with an American
    I grew up with an American Saddle Bred Palomino and I sure do miss him. I used to have to climb the fence to get on his back and my feet wouldn't reach the stirrups but he would be oh so gentle with me. He had such a beautiful deep golden colour at the end of summer. I can appreciate your love of horses.

    There have been quite a few past posts of the relationship between low Vit D levels and joint/bone pain that comes with the Aromatase Inhibitors. It would be good to get yours checked. Many women have found they have low levels even though they have been taking supplements. Exercise has also been noted to help improve it as well although you may not feel up to it right now. I don't know if the Vit D will help with the insomnia or mood swings but who knows. Also there are some differences in the Aromatase Inhibitors. Arimidex is non steroidal but I believe the Femera is steroidal. No guarantees, but maybe the other might affect you differently. I've also heard Effexor can help with pain as well as mood, might be worth a shot as mood seems to affect everything and can sensitize us to pain.

    Hope you find some relief
    love
    jan

    By your photo I would say
    By your photo I would say you are a very cool lady and someone I would enjoy knowing.

    I'm hoping our financial situation does not force the sale of both my horses. And I pray my health and strength return soon. Today was serious tired and sobbing. This sucks.
  • survivor51
    survivor51 Member Posts: 276
    #35
    phoenixrising said:

    Hi Angela, I thought I was
    Hi Angela, I thought I was going to have a huge research/test report burning party at the end of my chemo. But it seems like there are always ongoing issues and I haven't felt free enough from this to do it yet. Maybe soon.

    Burn baby burn
    When you are up to it, write down any thoughts both good and bad. Don't worry about grammar, don't type it, actually hand write it out and try to leave nothing out. Pour yourself a glass of wine and tear up the sheet and but it bit by bit. It might take you more than one glass to get it all burned....hehehe Angela
  • phoenixrising
    phoenixrising Member Posts: 1,508
    #36
    divablu said:

    By your photo I would say
    By your photo I would say you are a very cool lady and someone I would enjoy knowing.

    I'm hoping our financial situation does not force the sale of both my horses. And I pray my health and strength return soon. Today was serious tired and sobbing. This sucks.

    I really hope you don't have
    I really hope you don't have to sell your horses. That's just too heartbreaking. Julia had to sell her belgians, what magnificent animals and that's just too sad. Hope your feeling better tomorrow.
    love
    jan

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