Should children know

nancyb101
nancyb101 Member Posts: 2
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Hi everyone. I have califictaions which tested positive in the biopsy and I am getting a lumpectomy next week and then some radiation treatment. Should I tell my 11 year old daughter and my 14 year old son about the diagnosis. Since I will not get any chemo, there will not be any visible physical signs. My daughter is emotionaly sensitive and very attached to me. She doesnt even want to sleep over any where because she says she doesnt want to be away from me. Will I be scaring her that she might lose me or have the constant anxiety that I "might" die from cancer, eventhough I will definately not from this stage.

Comments

  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member
    #2
    My opinion is that 11 and 14
    My opinion is that 11 and 14 years olds should be told. You will be having radiation every day for possibly 30 or 35 treatments. These could be done while they are in school but you might have some issues with tiredness particularly at the end of the treatments. Also even a very attached 11 year old is capable of understanding this. Yes, she might freak out a little but you might take her with you to your doctor and have them help explain this to her. And there is the possibility that if you try to keep this a secret, someone, somewhere will let it slip. THen you have not only the issues of the cancer but the feelings that you were hiding it so it must be much worse than it is. Explain just what you said, that at this stage you are not likely to die and that you are fighting this. Give them things to do to help. They could go with you to treatments (they are very short), help with meals, do extra chores and spend good quality time doing family stuff. As she sees you dealing with this, she will most likely pattern her behavior and so will your son on how you are dealing. This doesn't mean being a pollyanna. Let them know you are scared (if you are), anxious, whatever but tell them that is a normal reaction and that you are there for them and willing to talk and share with them what is going on. Dealing with it as a family will most likely make your bond stronger in a good way. You may find that she will handle this better than you expect. But I really feel that she would be much more afraid if she found out and thought you were hiding it from her. This is just my opinion and I know that the other ladies will give you there input. Many of them have younger children and they can tell you how they handled it. Also know we are here for you. It's sounds like you are handling this well, but there are so many emotions to deal with and sometimes it hits us right away and sometimes it bites us in the butt later on. So don't be afraid to ask questions and vent and share with us. We are here for you.
    Stef
  • cabbott
    cabbott Member Posts: 1,039 Member
    #3
    Tell teens and preteens
    My son was 10 when I was first diagnosed. For me, there was no way I could keep either the process of being diagnosed or the outcome surgeries a secret from him. We were and are very close. He couldn't help but notice when I was crying or upset. He turned out to be my best supporter. He has walked with me at Relays for Life, helped me with chores when I couldn't do them, and been there when I needed a walking partner. My husband wanted me to keep him out of the room when I took phone calls at first because I tended to be emotional. Allllrightt, I was crying my eyes out daily!!! Well, after catching my son in the bathroom with his ear next to the wall so he could try to hear what I was saying on the phone on the other side of the wall, I quit closing the door. I warned him that I may get teary eyed, but that I wasn't going to tell anyone else anything I hadn't already told him. He was worried that he hadn't heard everything. He mostly was worried that I was going to die and hadn't told him. When I assured him that he knew everything I did and that the doctors thought I was going to be okay for a long time, he began to relax. He would come in and out of the room where our phone was, but once he knew I was telling him everything he went back to being a busy kid. Only you can decide how much your children can handle. They are at the age that they want to know how it will affect them. They want to know who will take care of them, if you will be around. That may sound a little selfish, but they aren't grownups and able to do everything for themselves yet.My son never wanted to see any scars or medical stuff, but he was glad I could tell him what I was dealing with. I was glad I didn't have to keep secrets when I was already overloaded with the problems cancer brings. Good luck telling your kids.

    C. Abbott
  • tasha_111
    tasha_111 Member Posts: 2,072
    #4
    cabbott said:

    Tell teens and preteens
    My son was 10 when I was first diagnosed. For me, there was no way I could keep either the process of being diagnosed or the outcome surgeries a secret from him. We were and are very close. He couldn't help but notice when I was crying or upset. He turned out to be my best supporter. He has walked with me at Relays for Life, helped me with chores when I couldn't do them, and been there when I needed a walking partner. My husband wanted me to keep him out of the room when I took phone calls at first because I tended to be emotional. Allllrightt, I was crying my eyes out daily!!! Well, after catching my son in the bathroom with his ear next to the wall so he could try to hear what I was saying on the phone on the other side of the wall, I quit closing the door. I warned him that I may get teary eyed, but that I wasn't going to tell anyone else anything I hadn't already told him. He was worried that he hadn't heard everything. He mostly was worried that I was going to die and hadn't told him. When I assured him that he knew everything I did and that the doctors thought I was going to be okay for a long time, he began to relax. He would come in and out of the room where our phone was, but once he knew I was telling him everything he went back to being a busy kid. Only you can decide how much your children can handle. They are at the age that they want to know how it will affect them. They want to know who will take care of them, if you will be around. That may sound a little selfish, but they aren't grownups and able to do everything for themselves yet.My son never wanted to see any scars or medical stuff, but he was glad I could tell him what I was dealing with. I was glad I didn't have to keep secrets when I was already overloaded with the problems cancer brings. Good luck telling your kids.

    C. Abbott

    Children
    I told my son everything........it worked. He was happy to be involved and would have been really upset to be kept in the dark whatever the outcome.........Explain it right and they will be able (More than able) to cope...

    GL J xxxxxxxxxxx
  • lynn1950
    lynn1950 Member Posts: 2,570
    #5
    The kids are all right.
    I told my son (he was 12 at the time) and my daughters (14 and 18). I told them I had cancer and would need surgery and other treatments and my doctors thought that I would be OK. I asked them if they had any questions and went from there. They have all been wonderful.

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