Hi! I'm new and really scared!

mmartin

4th stage Colon cancer You are scared
Dear Donna,

I am sorry that you are going through this hardship in the prime of your life with your history and most important having young children and a worried husband with no reference point to eliminate this situation (because he love you so and wants to eliminate this by his powers).

I was diagnosed in Feb 2007. 4th stage colon cancer 20 tumors in my liver follow by surgery two feet removed in the colon plus many other surgeons coming in for their expertise to removed other areas.

I was at the top of my game in my career and I went straight back to work. I was told at this time by my doctor that if I did not do chemo I had tops 6 mo to live. and that taking chemo I had a 5-10 percent of living 1-10 years SATISTCICS! Based on healthy & unhealth, unborn to elderly. I never went there with those facts. I did the chemo and I also had a fanny pack for 48 housr on top of the chemo at the clinic. I went to work at this time, I was not effected phyically by the treatment and I did not want my life to change ( my beautiflu apartment in First Hill having a salary to support my lifstyle as a empty divorced single.

I am at the PolyClinic in Seattle. My doctor is Dr Henry Li. Seattle is a meca for new cancer research with Fred Hutch Intistute, Seattle Cancer Care Alliance UW Medical. Cancer patient come from around the world for care in this city.

My Cancer with chemo treatment in 6 mo shrunk to two tiny one's, 6 month later completly clean 6 months after that 2 more in the liver so small. It is in my blood, it will pop at different times. I have reinvented my self because of the stigma with this stage. I have my own busines I am getting married I adopted a kitten ( a 20 year committment). I had a treatment today, my Dr. asked my energy level. My responce over the top.

I have one suggestetion to you in your situation. If you at 4th stage cancer go to the state to apply for disabilty it takes 6 months, though at this time the sate will come to your rescue. This is local help.

I want you to know life will be different than what you have experieced up until this time. What is important to you now and more importantly your family.

There is joy and great new experiences in this journey for you and your family. This year I have re-invented my self, started my own travel company, been a caretaker for my mom. Won 4 medals with the Dragon Boat raceing this past summer.

Take great care of yourself. You are a survior like myself.

Stay in touch. I look forward to hearing about your progress

Best regards,

Mary Martin
mary@cetctravel.com
.

mykidsmommy

Shayenne said:

Thank you so much!
You're all so right, I am getting more and more prepared to fight, and just don't want to fail, I want to live so much, and thanks, I try to be the funny one around my friends, I'm usually the go-getter, the energetic one, and you know, I don't want to be someone different..I don't want to be laid up in bed because of chemo all day and night, but if it happens, I guess it happens, I don't want to be a burden, I don't want my kids and hubby taking care of me, I'm supposed to care for them! I'm sorry I have to vent a bit, but I guess I'm going through my angry stage, and need to get it out, because I'm getting pissed off that I'm so bloated and uncomfortable now, though the doctors said that should go down once my swollen liver goes down with the chemo, and I just am afraid of never being able to have good days again where I can enjoy going out and being normal..It's the unknown that's so scary, and I'm sure that once I start the treatments where I'll know more I may even get better, I just want to be better then bad.

You guys are the best, and thanks for being there for my scary times...time for me to just crawl in my little hole for awhile.

Hugsss!
~Donna

A bit of Advice from Mommy
HI Donna -

I just spent a hour reading all your posts and replies - in between putting 4 year old to bed, and shushing 9 year old daughter, and all the while wanting to get back to your story.
I too am overwhelmed at these wonderful people who read and respond - and I can tell they are helping you as much as they helped me... so I hope I can be of a little help to you too.
I am a Mommy, so I relate to you in so many ways.I wanted nothing more to be me normal Mom again, and have our old life BC (before cancer) back. The minute we know we are pregnant - we take the prenatal vitamins, and so starts the need to protect the child growing in our bodies. And it never ends..... so when Mommy gets cancer , we suddenly realize we can't protect them, and it really was, for me, the hardest part. What I can now say is that cancer can ce scary for all, but it really becomes part of thier life journey too, and they will be shaped and formed because if it, and maybe even better more compassionate people because of it. Of course I would rather not have had cancer to teach them these life skills, but that wasn't an option. Also, your children are watching you, how you handle this, your husband how he handles it, and they are taking it all in, and this , like all else, they will take with them. So when life throws them a curve, they will remember how Mom got through cancer with flying colors and they will be inspired to do the same.
So here are a few things that really helped me - as you prepare for the next part chemo - I suggest the following:
1. A housekeeper ( A MUST)
2. Paxil - Ok - hear me out. I had never suffered from any depression - and after round three of chemo - I was noticing that my "glass half full" thought process was gone. I started feeling dark and not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and i really couldn't be positive which is what I am really good at - My onc quickly said that is was a chemical depression caused my chemo - imagine what that stuff does to the brain - and remember have CANCER is hard enough - add toxic chemical, and don't be surprised if you start thinking dark too! So I started Paxil, and it helped so much , I was much more even in my moods and it helped me get through all 12 rounds.
3. Ambien - Another drug of choice - My onc recommended it, as all the chemo messed with my sleep, so taking ambien assured that I would get the rest I needed to heal.
4. Give yourself permission to heal after chemo - don't come home and try to play super Mom - let your self be quiet and rest - and I think it is so sweet how your husband is fixing up your room - you will spend a lot of time there - you will need it. And I highly recommend snuggling WITH your dog! Kids too - mine would rub my feet - I watched a lot of Nick jr. with my two year old - and I napped daily with him - it was a sweet blessing to have that time. Normally I would use his nap time to get a bunch of things done, but for 6 months we napped together - it was priceless.
5. A dear sweet friend I met here - told me about self-hypnosis. What a cool thing that was - I have this quiet self-hypnosis tape on my IPOD that I owuld listen to that had all this wonderful healing thoughts - and I could put mysel to sleep peacefully every night, or when the yucky thoughts would enter my mind - I would go spend 20 minutes with my tapes - and feel so much better. Find someone who can etach you this technique, it is amazing. I evem brought it to chemo, and as I would get anxious going to the hospital for every treatment, so instead O would listen to the tape and the anxiety would melt away.
6. Know that God has you in His hands. If He brought you to it - He will get you through it. This was for me the most amazing test of my faith, not that I needed testing but I guess a show my faith and those around me. God knew I was the right person for the job, he had me fully prepared with friends, family and FAITH. God is good Donna, He will see you through this - He gave you strength you didn't even know you had.
7. Lastly, learn to cut all extra misc stuff from your life. You really don't need anything extra right now - your plate is full so say no as much as you can - play your cancer card - Do only what you WANT to do - be stingy with your good days - rest and heal on your not so good days. Say no to all else - once you get doing this ,it feels better and better all the time.
You will get through this - I am two years out - and I am myself again. I have been RIGHT where you are - and I know that this too shall pass, and life will be better again - it takes some work - but you will do it -
Good night - sleep tight -
Mommy

hopefulone

Keep the faith
Hi Donna. Welcome and you'll find much support here. My hubby dx 2 years ago stage 4, liver mets. Long story short (you can read more on my personal web page if interested) , but first told inoperable on the liver, multiple mets, and after 6 mos chemo, finally had liver resection in Oct 07, small reoccurrance last July and RFA to liver met in November. Currently off chemo and has been for 14 mos, and doing well. He goes back in March for another ct, etc. My best advice is to ask questions, be persistant, and be your own advocate. IF necessary , get multiple opinions. You must be persistant. It's entirely possible to shrink that tumor and have a resection or rfa. Don't look at statistics. Most are old. There HAVE been many advances. It's not the "death sentence" it once was. Also take each day at a time, celebrate all the little milestones, and keep positive and pray. Good luck and God Bless. Will keep you in my prayers. Diane

Shayenne

hopefulone said:

Keep the faith
Hi Donna. Welcome and you'll find much support here. My hubby dx 2 years ago stage 4, liver mets. Long story short (you can read more on my personal web page if interested) , but first told inoperable on the liver, multiple mets, and after 6 mos chemo, finally had liver resection in Oct 07, small reoccurrance last July and RFA to liver met in November. Currently off chemo and has been for 14 mos, and doing well. He goes back in March for another ct, etc. My best advice is to ask questions, be persistant, and be your own advocate. IF necessary , get multiple opinions. You must be persistant. It's entirely possible to shrink that tumor and have a resection or rfa. Don't look at statistics. Most are old. There HAVE been many advances. It's not the "death sentence" it once was. Also take each day at a time, celebrate all the little milestones, and keep positive and pray. Good luck and God Bless. Will keep you in my prayers. Diane

All helpful...
These posts again brought the tears flowing, oh mommy, you know exactly what I was thinking, and being a sick mom is just so scary. I have my kids actually doing more then they ever would for me, they have been complete angels about this, and so strong. MY hubby and my 18 year old have taken over the house cleaning when I can't do it, I try to cook when I can, otherwise, they all pitch in and try to make some concoction.. I never know what I'm going to eat until they serve it. I will definitely ask about the Paxil and Ambien..I seem to have trouble sleeping a whole night, I'm up and down all night long, and I haven't even started chemo yet. I hope I don't ever get those dark thoughts, that's what scares me..the chemo turning me into a whole new person, and not a very good one.

Hopefulone, if my doctor isn't helping much, or if I'm not seeing enough results, you bet I'm going elsewhere. I go to the Ohio State University James Cancer Research Center which is Comprehensive Care Center, and they usually have a great reputation for being very aggressive, you all have given me much hope, and I do hope I will recover from this soon, as I hope you all will!

Hugsss to you all!
~Donna

lmliess

mykidsmommy said:

A bit of Advice from Mommy
HI Donna -

I just spent a hour reading all your posts and replies - in between putting 4 year old to bed, and shushing 9 year old daughter, and all the while wanting to get back to your story.
I too am overwhelmed at these wonderful people who read and respond - and I can tell they are helping you as much as they helped me... so I hope I can be of a little help to you too.
I am a Mommy, so I relate to you in so many ways.I wanted nothing more to be me normal Mom again, and have our old life BC (before cancer) back. The minute we know we are pregnant - we take the prenatal vitamins, and so starts the need to protect the child growing in our bodies. And it never ends..... so when Mommy gets cancer , we suddenly realize we can't protect them, and it really was, for me, the hardest part. What I can now say is that cancer can ce scary for all, but it really becomes part of thier life journey too, and they will be shaped and formed because if it, and maybe even better more compassionate people because of it. Of course I would rather not have had cancer to teach them these life skills, but that wasn't an option. Also, your children are watching you, how you handle this, your husband how he handles it, and they are taking it all in, and this , like all else, they will take with them. So when life throws them a curve, they will remember how Mom got through cancer with flying colors and they will be inspired to do the same.
So here are a few things that really helped me - as you prepare for the next part chemo - I suggest the following:
1. A housekeeper ( A MUST)
2. Paxil - Ok - hear me out. I had never suffered from any depression - and after round three of chemo - I was noticing that my "glass half full" thought process was gone. I started feeling dark and not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and i really couldn't be positive which is what I am really good at - My onc quickly said that is was a chemical depression caused my chemo - imagine what that stuff does to the brain - and remember have CANCER is hard enough - add toxic chemical, and don't be surprised if you start thinking dark too! So I started Paxil, and it helped so much , I was much more even in my moods and it helped me get through all 12 rounds.
3. Ambien - Another drug of choice - My onc recommended it, as all the chemo messed with my sleep, so taking ambien assured that I would get the rest I needed to heal.
4. Give yourself permission to heal after chemo - don't come home and try to play super Mom - let your self be quiet and rest - and I think it is so sweet how your husband is fixing up your room - you will spend a lot of time there - you will need it. And I highly recommend snuggling WITH your dog! Kids too - mine would rub my feet - I watched a lot of Nick jr. with my two year old - and I napped daily with him - it was a sweet blessing to have that time. Normally I would use his nap time to get a bunch of things done, but for 6 months we napped together - it was priceless.
5. A dear sweet friend I met here - told me about self-hypnosis. What a cool thing that was - I have this quiet self-hypnosis tape on my IPOD that I owuld listen to that had all this wonderful healing thoughts - and I could put mysel to sleep peacefully every night, or when the yucky thoughts would enter my mind - I would go spend 20 minutes with my tapes - and feel so much better. Find someone who can etach you this technique, it is amazing. I evem brought it to chemo, and as I would get anxious going to the hospital for every treatment, so instead O would listen to the tape and the anxiety would melt away.
6. Know that God has you in His hands. If He brought you to it - He will get you through it. This was for me the most amazing test of my faith, not that I needed testing but I guess a show my faith and those around me. God knew I was the right person for the job, he had me fully prepared with friends, family and FAITH. God is good Donna, He will see you through this - He gave you strength you didn't even know you had.
7. Lastly, learn to cut all extra misc stuff from your life. You really don't need anything extra right now - your plate is full so say no as much as you can - play your cancer card - Do only what you WANT to do - be stingy with your good days - rest and heal on your not so good days. Say no to all else - once you get doing this ,it feels better and better all the time.
You will get through this - I am two years out - and I am myself again. I have been RIGHT where you are - and I know that this too shall pass, and life will be better again - it takes some work - but you will do it -
Good night - sleep tight -
Mommy

Healing tapes
Hello - I am new also and completely scared!!! I was just diagnosed 12/01/08 with rectal cancer and possible mets to the liver. I am 38 with a wonderful husband an a 4 year old daughter that I completely adore! I just completed 5 1/2 weeks of radiation and chemo with a chemo port - 5FU - 24/7. Now I am waiting to do a PET scan on Feb 17 to see how that did. Oh the anxiety!!! I am trying to do yoga and relax but I I think I need something more. Those tapes sound perfect.
Also, what helps is reading about all of the positive people and results on this site! I have been reading and finally today decided I need to be part of this group for some uplifting experiences.

msccolon

lmliess said:

Healing tapes
Hello - I am new also and completely scared!!! I was just diagnosed 12/01/08 with rectal cancer and possible mets to the liver. I am 38 with a wonderful husband an a 4 year old daughter that I completely adore! I just completed 5 1/2 weeks of radiation and chemo with a chemo port - 5FU - 24/7. Now I am waiting to do a PET scan on Feb 17 to see how that did. Oh the anxiety!!! I am trying to do yoga and relax but I I think I need something more. Those tapes sound perfect.
Also, what helps is reading about all of the positive people and results on this site! I have been reading and finally today decided I need to be part of this group for some uplifting experiences.

Welcome!
Looks like VickiCOs recent good news will be good news for you to hear! I think she is right ahead of you. She is also rectal cancer and did radiation and 24/7 chemo. Her surgery went so well she didn't have to have an ostomy and she's been staged down to stage 2! Certainly wonderful news and no reason it can't be true for you as well! Come often and keep us posted on your journey. You are so pretty, I bet your daughter is gorgeous as well!
mary

VickiCO

msccolon said:

Welcome!
Looks like VickiCOs recent good news will be good news for you to hear! I think she is right ahead of you. She is also rectal cancer and did radiation and 24/7 chemo. Her surgery went so well she didn't have to have an ostomy and she's been staged down to stage 2! Certainly wonderful news and no reason it can't be true for you as well! Come often and keep us posted on your journey. You are so pretty, I bet your daughter is gorgeous as well!
mary

You bet Mary!
You hang in there. I will not lie to you - the chemo/radiation were very hard. But look at me now! No ostomy, and no spread. I still have 'mop-up' chemo, but will come through that OK. Keep POSITIVE thoughts...it really helps.

Many HUGS! Vicki

lmliess

msccolon said:

Welcome!
Looks like VickiCOs recent good news will be good news for you to hear! I think she is right ahead of you. She is also rectal cancer and did radiation and 24/7 chemo. Her surgery went so well she didn't have to have an ostomy and she's been staged down to stage 2! Certainly wonderful news and no reason it can't be true for you as well! Come often and keep us posted on your journey. You are so pretty, I bet your daughter is gorgeous as well!
mary

Thank you! The more I read
Thank you! The more I read on here the better my spirits are! I think I am having one of 'those days'!

Shayenne

VickiCO said:

You bet Mary!
You hang in there. I will not lie to you - the chemo/radiation were very hard. But look at me now! No ostomy, and no spread. I still have 'mop-up' chemo, but will come through that OK. Keep POSITIVE thoughts...it really helps.

Many HUGS! Vicki

I Will!!
I am starting my chemo on Monday, Feb 16, which is the day before my birthday..I'll be 44 then, and plan on being positive and justing fighting what comes at me, hearing about your surgery is what's so motivating Mary, and very inspirational, I am going to try my darn hardest to get through these dark times..

Hugsss to you!
~Donna

Shayenne

lmliess said:

Thank you! The more I read
Thank you! The more I read on here the better my spirits are! I think I am having one of 'those days'!

Welcome Imliess!
I know the feeling you're going through, and you can bet we are going to be around for our kids, and not let this nasty disease get us down.. we can take this journey together with everyone on here, and I hope on Feb 17, you get good results! it's also my bday, I start chemo the day before, I hope it just doesn't make me sick enough to at least want some cake! haha!

~Donna

lmliess

VickiCO said:

You bet Mary!
You hang in there. I will not lie to you - the chemo/radiation were very hard. But look at me now! No ostomy, and no spread. I still have 'mop-up' chemo, but will come through that OK. Keep POSITIVE thoughts...it really helps.

Many HUGS! Vicki

Did you do anything special?
Hi! It is great you have had the good news you have! I am hoping for the best too. Did you do anything 'special'. Like special diet? The more 'research' I do on the internet the more confused I get about diet and what to eat. How long were you tired and 'sore' after radiation. My last radiation was Jan 26 and I am finally getting better but that soreness still makes me have to take pain pills. Not as many though. How long were you in the hospital after surgery?
Sorry for the questions but it feels good to finally find people who are going through this and can shed some light on what to expect!
:-)

VickiCO

lmliess said:

Did you do anything special?
Hi! It is great you have had the good news you have! I am hoping for the best too. Did you do anything 'special'. Like special diet? The more 'research' I do on the internet the more confused I get about diet and what to eat. How long were you tired and 'sore' after radiation. My last radiation was Jan 26 and I am finally getting better but that soreness still makes me have to take pain pills. Not as many though. How long were you in the hospital after surgery?
Sorry for the questions but it feels good to finally find people who are going through this and can shed some light on what to expect!
:-)

Anything special?
Not really - just cut out some of the sugar, and of course, red meat. I ate a lot of protein and high fiber.

The radiation was hard on me as well. I was sore for a long time after - 3/4 weeks. The doctor waited 5 weeks for surgery. I was in the hospital 4 days after surgery. The usual is 5-7 days, but I really heal fast and I have a great doctor.

Never, Never be afraid to ask questions! It's how we get through this.And keep a positive attitude, it really does help.

Vicki

SandyL

Shayenne said:

All helpful...
These posts again brought the tears flowing, oh mommy, you know exactly what I was thinking, and being a sick mom is just so scary. I have my kids actually doing more then they ever would for me, they have been complete angels about this, and so strong. MY hubby and my 18 year old have taken over the house cleaning when I can't do it, I try to cook when I can, otherwise, they all pitch in and try to make some concoction.. I never know what I'm going to eat until they serve it. I will definitely ask about the Paxil and Ambien..I seem to have trouble sleeping a whole night, I'm up and down all night long, and I haven't even started chemo yet. I hope I don't ever get those dark thoughts, that's what scares me..the chemo turning me into a whole new person, and not a very good one.

Hopefulone, if my doctor isn't helping much, or if I'm not seeing enough results, you bet I'm going elsewhere. I go to the Ohio State University James Cancer Research Center which is Comprehensive Care Center, and they usually have a great reputation for being very aggressive, you all have given me much hope, and I do hope I will recover from this soon, as I hope you all will!

Hugsss to you all!
~Donna

Sorry
to hear of your cancer, Donna. My husband was diagnosed in Nov. last year with colon cancer stage III. He has had 4 of 12 treatments so far. We are in central Ohio and went to the James for a second opinion on the treatment plan that our drs. recommended. The treatment recommendation was confirmed with the dr. at the James so we felt confident with our drs.here. The recommended treatment for him was 12 cycles of systemic 5/FLU with the Oxy. He has the side effects that you've been told about. And he also has a jaw spasm when he takes his first bite. So very strange this cancer treatment. I will tell you this the word/disease CANCER will change your entire family. And that change will be a positive-sounds like it's already happening for you. Build on that. I wish you the very best and encourage you to ask questions and if you don't understand ask again.