Tomorrow

Lynnsom
Lynnsom Member Posts: 10
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Tomorrow at 7:30 a.m., I will have my final radiation treatment. People have been saying, "How awesome! You are DONE tomorrow." I don't feel 'done'. I shed a lot of tears today and may tomorrow as well. I'm SCARED! Now what? I keep digging for my spirit to return and it seems like it is stuck somewhere or hiding. I feel like I have almost a 'quota' of tears and they haven't all been shed yet. Sometimes I think if I just spend some time crying really hard, it will be better on the other side of the tears. Maybe it is because I'm really tired from the radiation, but I don't know.

I haven't been able to find a support group in my town. They are all either in the middle of the day or have age limits. Thought I would try this online group. Thanks in advance.
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Comments

  • EveningStar2
    EveningStar2 Member Posts: 491 Member
    I haven't been here
    I haven't been here long--I'm so new that my surgery is tomorrow morning! But from what I've seen so far, this is a good support group. My husband doesn't understand--he's great & is *trying*--but it's not the same as someone who has faced the decisions and fears. I can't help on this issue but someone will.

    Maureen
  • mmontero38
    mmontero38 Member Posts: 1,510
    Welcome Lynn to the club no
    Welcome Lynn to the club no one looks to join. I'm glad you found us as you will see we have a great group of survivors here on this board. I was diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma in June 2007, had a mastectomy and had 7 lymph nodes removed. I was a stage 1 with a grade tumor of 3. Went through 8 rounds of adriamycin, cytoxan and 5 FU. I did not need radiation as I opted for the mastectomy and had clean margins and no node involvement, but I can certainly understand what you are feeling because I think we may have all felt the same way at the end of our treatments. I think I would associate it to losing a life line. While we were going through our treatments, we were very carefully watched and I think we now fear the what ifs. Lynn, it does get better, right now you are tired (because radiation does that) and scared but eventually your waking thoughts will not be about cancer and with time there will be days where you don't think about it at all. Please post often and ask any question you may have. We will try to help in any way we can. Hugs, Lili
  • Lynnsom
    Lynnsom Member Posts: 10

    I haven't been here
    I haven't been here long--I'm so new that my surgery is tomorrow morning! But from what I've seen so far, this is a good support group. My husband doesn't understand--he's great & is *trying*--but it's not the same as someone who has faced the decisions and fears. I can't help on this issue but someone will.

    Maureen

    Wishes
    Thanks Maureen. May your surgery go well, your margins be clear, your lymph nodes be clean and your recovery swift! I will keep you in my thoughts.
  • mmontero38
    mmontero38 Member Posts: 1,510

    I haven't been here
    I haven't been here long--I'm so new that my surgery is tomorrow morning! But from what I've seen so far, this is a good support group. My husband doesn't understand--he's great & is *trying*--but it's not the same as someone who has faced the decisions and fears. I can't help on this issue but someone will.

    Maureen

    Good luck to you tomorrow
    Good luck to you tomorrow Maureen. I hope everything goes well. We'll be praying for you. Keep us posted once you are recovered. Hugs, Lili
  • Lynnsom
    Lynnsom Member Posts: 10

    Welcome Lynn to the club no
    Welcome Lynn to the club no one looks to join. I'm glad you found us as you will see we have a great group of survivors here on this board. I was diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma in June 2007, had a mastectomy and had 7 lymph nodes removed. I was a stage 1 with a grade tumor of 3. Went through 8 rounds of adriamycin, cytoxan and 5 FU. I did not need radiation as I opted for the mastectomy and had clean margins and no node involvement, but I can certainly understand what you are feeling because I think we may have all felt the same way at the end of our treatments. I think I would associate it to losing a life line. While we were going through our treatments, we were very carefully watched and I think we now fear the what ifs. Lynn, it does get better, right now you are tired (because radiation does that) and scared but eventually your waking thoughts will not be about cancer and with time there will be days where you don't think about it at all. Please post often and ask any question you may have. We will try to help in any way we can. Hugs, Lili

    Yup...those dang 'Whatifs'.
    Yup...those dang 'Whatifs'. Thanks so much. They tell me I had a 'good' cancer as it was stage 1 invasive ductal carcinoma. I tried chemo but had a reaction to the taxol so decided against trying another chemo drug. I just want this to be a blurry memory.
  • Chellebug
    Chellebug Member Posts: 133
    You'll definitely get support here
    On my last day of radiation in early August '08 the staff gave me a picture frame as a 'graduation' picture. But I didn't feel 'graduated.' I remember looking at that picture and thinking....'this is what I get after all that I've been through.' I still had 4 months of Herceptin treatments to go, too.

    I haven't shed many tears, but when I do, it's always when my husband is out of town. For some reason I can really get out a bunch of my sadness/tears when there's no one else around.

    Radiation certainly does wear you out. In fact, don't be surprised over the next week if your radiated area actually gets worse. I thought the redness would start to improve once I stopped, but the peak of redness/irritation occured about 7-10 days after I finished radiation. Keep up with the lotions your doctor gave you. And continue to do range of motion in your shoulder.

    I think you'll appreciate the support you get here. There's an abundance of love and empathy here!
    Chelle

    P.S. I had allergic reactions to Taxol. Is that what happened to you? Each week my reaction got worse until finally it felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. They FINALLY switched me to Abraxane and that worked great.
  • Chellebug
    Chellebug Member Posts: 133

    I haven't been here
    I haven't been here long--I'm so new that my surgery is tomorrow morning! But from what I've seen so far, this is a good support group. My husband doesn't understand--he's great & is *trying*--but it's not the same as someone who has faced the decisions and fears. I can't help on this issue but someone will.

    Maureen

    Prayers for you Maureen
    Husbands want to fix everything. It really tough for them to watch us go through this. I think there's a feeling of helplessness....how can they fix this? But they do try, don't they? God love them, they sure do try! :)

    Praying for you tomorrow, Maureen. Keep us updated!
    Chelle
  • Lynnsom
    Lynnsom Member Posts: 10
    Chellebug said:

    You'll definitely get support here
    On my last day of radiation in early August '08 the staff gave me a picture frame as a 'graduation' picture. But I didn't feel 'graduated.' I remember looking at that picture and thinking....'this is what I get after all that I've been through.' I still had 4 months of Herceptin treatments to go, too.

    I haven't shed many tears, but when I do, it's always when my husband is out of town. For some reason I can really get out a bunch of my sadness/tears when there's no one else around.

    Radiation certainly does wear you out. In fact, don't be surprised over the next week if your radiated area actually gets worse. I thought the redness would start to improve once I stopped, but the peak of redness/irritation occured about 7-10 days after I finished radiation. Keep up with the lotions your doctor gave you. And continue to do range of motion in your shoulder.

    I think you'll appreciate the support you get here. There's an abundance of love and empathy here!
    Chelle

    P.S. I had allergic reactions to Taxol. Is that what happened to you? Each week my reaction got worse until finally it felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. They FINALLY switched me to Abraxane and that worked great.

    thanks
    Thank you so much for the understanding words.
    I had my reaction while it was being infused. I had a lot of tightness in my chest and then when they 'rechallenged' me during the same treatment, it was hard to breathe and I got really flushed. They stopped it immediately, told me I could switch to Adriamycin later, but I was afraid of the side effects. I had an oncotype test that put me in a 'low intermediate risk' category for this cancer to return and after the reaction, I opted out of the whole deal and just went for radiation. Hopefully, the 13% chance of it's return will not happen.

    How are you doing?
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    Sort of like graduation from High School....
    You have spent the last bit of time living everyone else's schedule. Chemo, radiation, doctors visits...go here, be there...all of it...and now....SUCCESS!!!

    I got soooo MAD at my gastric surgeon when he said "Kathi, I don't need to see you any more".

    WHAT???? Living on my OWN????? What if something happens?????

    "You call me", he said. Oh.

    So, I did when I was told I had breast cancer...and he referred me to my breast surgeon. And then, after all was finished...HE said goodbye, too...lol...

    And now, my oncologist said "The next appointment will be our last, Kathi. You are doing so well, I'm turning you back to your G.P."

    So, I'm graduating...and learning how to live as a person with a future again. HUGE!

    Welcome to the family. We are the best 'been there/done that' board around.

    Hugs, Kathi

    (BTW, my pic is me and my beau skating on a frozen canal in Holland...WHEW! Makes all the chemo and radiation worth it! It was so pretty it made my heart hurt!).
  • Eil4186
    Eil4186 Member Posts: 949
    bittresweet
    Lynn, this is a very precarious time for you. The end of treatment is bittesweet; in one way its good to finally be finished with all the prodding, poking poisening, radiating and such but in another way, you feel a bit like you've been cut loose.

    I cried the night before my last chemo. As much as I hated it, I didn't want to be finished. I didn't want to lose my comforting supportive routine.

    I too am having a hard time and still cry those tears you mentioned and its been over 2 years for me. Hang in there and try to stay strong. Visit here often and try and get your feelings down and we will all try and help you through. I think that we are suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome. I really do, however the docs would probably disagree.

    You are in my prayers. Stay well, Eil
  • Lynnsom
    Lynnsom Member Posts: 10
    Eil4186 said:

    bittresweet
    Lynn, this is a very precarious time for you. The end of treatment is bittesweet; in one way its good to finally be finished with all the prodding, poking poisening, radiating and such but in another way, you feel a bit like you've been cut loose.

    I cried the night before my last chemo. As much as I hated it, I didn't want to be finished. I didn't want to lose my comforting supportive routine.

    I too am having a hard time and still cry those tears you mentioned and its been over 2 years for me. Hang in there and try to stay strong. Visit here often and try and get your feelings down and we will all try and help you through. I think that we are suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome. I really do, however the docs would probably disagree.

    You are in my prayers. Stay well, Eil

    Thanks, Eil.
    I really

    Thanks, Eil.
    I really appreciate the understanding from ALL!
  • survivor51
    survivor51 Member Posts: 276
    Tomorrow is today
    Lynn,
    If you venture back on the message board, many of us have been where you are at this moment. Yes it is the last radiation but still a ways to go and many emotions that go along with that. You will see that some friends are ready for you to get back to your good ol self but you will find that that path has been covered up. The good news is the sisterhood totally understand your fears, joys, pains, worries, etc. This is not a light switch that you can just flick off...omg...did I just write flick off..thank goodness I checked the spelling. There is no magic pill that can erase but there are many in the sisterhood and we can surround you 24 hours a day. We are just a click away. Thank goodness this is the last one and the path is opening up for you to forward but remember, this is not something that can be rushed and we are HERE. Lots of love and hugs, Angela
  • survivor51
    survivor51 Member Posts: 276

    I haven't been here
    I haven't been here long--I'm so new that my surgery is tomorrow morning! But from what I've seen so far, this is a good support group. My husband doesn't understand--he's great & is *trying*--but it's not the same as someone who has faced the decisions and fears. I can't help on this issue but someone will.

    Maureen

    Hugs and cyber spirit heading to you.
    Hey Maureen,
    I had a bilateral mastectomy March of 2007, had chemo, reconstruction, and yes find at my old age have my first tatooing..nipples. I might add that they are spectacular. Please let us hear from you as soon as you can after surgery. We are here...ALWAYS. Angela
  • EllieJV
    EllieJV Member Posts: 16
    Lynn, I don't know where you
    Lynn, I don't know where you live, but it is 7:10am my time, so you are well on your way, to being finished with this treatment. Hugs, and GOOD LUCK! Today begins another step in your journey. And, we are ALL here, to help you along the way. If you stumble, you won't fall, cause we are here to catch you, and set you back up again...just like a Weeble! We are all walking the walk, with you. Ellie
  • EllieJV
    EllieJV Member Posts: 16

    I haven't been here
    I haven't been here long--I'm so new that my surgery is tomorrow morning! But from what I've seen so far, this is a good support group. My husband doesn't understand--he's great & is *trying*--but it's not the same as someone who has faced the decisions and fears. I can't help on this issue but someone will.

    Maureen

    Maureen, my thoughts are
    Maureen, my thoughts are with you, this morning. Hope that everything comes out just fine for you. Hugs, and prayers, for you, your medical staff, and your family. We're here with you! Ellie
  • mimivac
    mimivac Member Posts: 2,143
    Hope all went well
    Lynn,

    I hope your last radiation went well and that you are feeling OK. Today you start another part of your journey and life. As you can see, most here understand your ambivalence about being "done." It is such a strange time, I know. I hope you do something nice for yourself today. You've made it through such a stressful time in your life. Let us know how you're doing.

    Mimi
  • Derbygirl
    Derbygirl Member Posts: 198
    Life after breast cancer
    Life after breast cancer will be a challenge, but you survived a really bad time in your life. I'm one month post radiation, chemo and lumpectomy and I was extremely tired, but glad it was finished. It's an emotional time and challening for me to find the new me. You'll find lots of support on this network of people who have been through what you're experiencing. One of the best things is that you can visit 24/7 and in your robe and fuzzy slippers if you want to. Looking forward to hearing from you during the next few days following the end of treatment. Good Luck.
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    ((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
    We in here absolutely DO know what you mean, and why you are feeling less than elated at the thought of ending treatment! I likened to walking a tightrope without a safety net~ if chemo/rads were keeping the cancer from spreading, what was going to keep it at bay WITHOUT them?

    For the record,I was stage 2B with lymphnode involvement...and in March I will be 6 YEARS out of treatment! No cancer is particularly "good", but some diagnoses are "better" than others, and you do indeed seem to be on the good side!

    You will love this online group! We are diverse in age, locale, and personal situations, but we are united by this common goal of Life After Cancer! We are on the rollercoaster together, there is oil on the tracks, no seatbelts, and its starting to rain. So you know what we do? We hold on to each other for Dear Life. And we get off the ride, and lend a hand to others who have been bruised and made afraid by the rollercoaster. And you can imagine the tears of joy and lifelong friends we make on the journey.

    We welcome you to our family of Kindred Spirits!

    Hugs,
    Claudia
  • Chellebug
    Chellebug Member Posts: 133
    Lynnsom said:

    thanks
    Thank you so much for the understanding words.
    I had my reaction while it was being infused. I had a lot of tightness in my chest and then when they 'rechallenged' me during the same treatment, it was hard to breathe and I got really flushed. They stopped it immediately, told me I could switch to Adriamycin later, but I was afraid of the side effects. I had an oncotype test that put me in a 'low intermediate risk' category for this cancer to return and after the reaction, I opted out of the whole deal and just went for radiation. Hopefully, the 13% chance of it's return will not happen.

    How are you doing?

    Moving forward
    I am moving forward...ever so slowly...yet one step at a time. Allowing myself grace for the things that aren't getting done as they should (laundry, cleaning, dishes) and appreciating the little things.....like:

    wiping a tear from my 5 year old's eye when his toy breaks,
    singing karaoke with my 7 year old,
    watching my 11 year old organize his football cards,
    hearing my 9 year old laughing,
    watching my husband make his mother's split-pea soup recipe

    Your reaction to Taxol was an allergic reaction. Mine always occured during the infusion, too. They'd stop it immediately, give me another dose of benadryl, wait 15 minutes and restart the infusion. Each time, they said, well, this happens to some ladies, but usually just once...next week should be fine. Then, each week it kept happening (and getting worse). I did not take Adriamycin. I took Abraxane which is another form of Taxol, only there are not allergic reactions to it. Abraxane is more expensive, so they typically don't offer it to people unless they can't take the Taxol. My risk for recurrence was greater so I went ahead with finishing the chemo. It sounds like you did the right thing for your situation.

    Now your radiation is done! I will celebrate for you, though you may not be in a celebratory mood yet! :) You've finished one more step toward your healing.

    God bless you, Lynnsom.
    Chelle
  • creampuff91344
    creampuff91344 Member Posts: 988
    chenheart said:

    ((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
    We in here absolutely DO know what you mean, and why you are feeling less than elated at the thought of ending treatment! I likened to walking a tightrope without a safety net~ if chemo/rads were keeping the cancer from spreading, what was going to keep it at bay WITHOUT them?

    For the record,I was stage 2B with lymphnode involvement...and in March I will be 6 YEARS out of treatment! No cancer is particularly "good", but some diagnoses are "better" than others, and you do indeed seem to be on the good side!

    You will love this online group! We are diverse in age, locale, and personal situations, but we are united by this common goal of Life After Cancer! We are on the rollercoaster together, there is oil on the tracks, no seatbelts, and its starting to rain. So you know what we do? We hold on to each other for Dear Life. And we get off the ride, and lend a hand to others who have been bruised and made afraid by the rollercoaster. And you can imagine the tears of joy and lifelong friends we make on the journey.

    We welcome you to our family of Kindred Spirits!

    Hugs,
    Claudia

    Finished with Radiation
    Lynn, I will always remember when I returned home after my last radiation treatment, and within four hours my house looked like a florist. Seems that everyone felt this was it for me as far as recovery was concerned, and sent flowers to send me on my next path. Most all of the cards read something like, "Glad this is over, and we look forward to getting you back on the road". Well, needless to say, I felt the same....I would walk out of radiation, and immediately feel better, and be up and going right away. That was October 27th. Nearly three months later, I am still feeling the effects of all of the treatment, and have yet to be on that "road" I heard so much about. In December my oncologist told me that it would take up to a year from the beginning of chemo treatment to get back to feeling like my old self, and those words really made me feel better. You will have good days, and then you will have days when the best thing you do for yourself is a nap mid-day. Good luck on your journey ahead, and hopefully it will be a smooth ride for you. Just be patient, and don't feel you have to do anything that someone else thinks you should be doing. This is your journey and should be taken at your pace.

    Sending hugs your way.

    Judy