Dating Post Cancer

jessieca1

I am an older female - 58 who has had a mastectomy - left, five years ago, lost my teeth, most of my hair has grown back sparsley, and I still wear a wig, and have had a hysterectomy 2 years ago, and uterine cancer survivor from tamixofen over 2 years now. I am looking to start over again, now that I am post treatment, and want to know how to date and where to look and how to get my selfesteem back, as I have tried Match.com and other services, and basically I feel who is going to want me with one breast, scars all over my body, unless it is another survivor who doesnt care about sex and body issues, anyone out there who can relate and or who has interest in meeting/dating, etc. Heterosexual. Any advice let me know, as I am realistic and know and accept my limitations, and have a very positive but flawed self esteem.

zahalene

I can relate...
I lost both breasts by the time I was 40 then lost my hubby to cancer when I was 48, that is to say, I got cancer and he got lost...lol
For years after he left I was totally focused on staying alive to raise my son who was 11 when he left, and enjoy the two grandsons my daughter had presented me with. So here I am now....60 years old, kids grown, and never even had a nibble since my marriage ended. But to be honest, I have not been 'looking' and have not encouraged a man to 'nibble'...lol
However, there are times when I dearly wish I had a man friend...literally. Someone who was just interested in being with me at times to do innocent and fun things with. I think that is as close as I would care to come to dating. And he would have to understand up front that it was ONLY for mutual friendship and companionship. There just don't seem to be any of those guys in my world. In the time and place where I live, if two single people are seen together more than once in a lifetime, they are considered an 'item' and the social pressure is on.
Ah well. Maybe someday.

KathiM

One of my patient partners....
Started going to a cancer support group at her church. She met a man that had lost his wife recently, and she and he hit it off. She tells me both of them are taking a chance, since she is still in treatment, and he is mourning his wife.

But she is happy she is taking the risk!

Hugs, Kathi

phoenixrising

I was think that the more we
I was think that the more we want a mate the less of a chance there is in finding one.
Usually we run into someone while doing something else and with it being the farthest from our minds. Maybe if you were just "out there" doing things like volunteering or gardening groups or taking courses you would find someone special. In that scenario you could give out what info you wanted and would have an opportunity to scrutinize the "meat" LOL Find a friend first and they won't even notice your scars or lack of a breast cause they won't be able to get past the "beauty" that is truly you. And as one said to me, we have to love ourselves first in order for others to love us. So looking in the mirror and thinking who would want me, rather think "why not me" cause I'm sure you are full of love and goodness and if those guys don't see it then they weren't worth wanting.
Blessings to you
love
jan

KathiM

phoenixrising said:

I was think that the more we
I was think that the more we want a mate the less of a chance there is in finding one.
Usually we run into someone while doing something else and with it being the farthest from our minds. Maybe if you were just "out there" doing things like volunteering or gardening groups or taking courses you would find someone special. In that scenario you could give out what info you wanted and would have an opportunity to scrutinize the "meat" LOL Find a friend first and they won't even notice your scars or lack of a breast cause they won't be able to get past the "beauty" that is truly you. And as one said to me, we have to love ourselves first in order for others to love us. So looking in the mirror and thinking who would want me, rather think "why not me" cause I'm sure you are full of love and goodness and if those guys don't see it then they weren't worth wanting.
Blessings to you
love
jan

I agree with Jan....
....and go one step more...I actually think you should feel proud of what you have been thru, and your strength that many other people have never experienced. This makes you very, very special...

Hugs, Kathi

chenheart

Dating
I agree with my sisters in arms. Although I got cancer within a year after meeting my sweetie,at that time I too was over 50, had recently left a 27 year marriage, was on my own and SCARED! What I wasn't was "desperate" ( and I am by no means saying you are either!) I simply wasn't looking! I reconnected with my sister, and stepped out of my comfort zone by going to the places she went to, rather than the places I formerly went to with my Ex. And, by so doing, I met other people. And one of them thought I was ...nice! He was not looking for permanance, or even a relationship~ but just someone "age appropriate" to go to dinner with, be seen in public with ( LOL) and just socialize with. And that was our magic. Neither of us dreamed we would actually want to be together for more than social occasions. That we would miss each other when we were apart, etc etc. And, that was 7 years ago! We are still together, and I am, for the record, 5 years OLDER than he is. As I remind him, half jokingly on a regular basis: I know he can do YOUNGER than me, he just can't do BETTER!

So, volunteer at a place where you may meet others who are in our age group! No, not at an old folks home!!! :-) Not even at a Cancer Center ,unless you want to. You know best who you are~ or perhaps who you want to be. Ponder that , and then "go for it"! Truly, what do you have to lose? Maybe you will find a companion for social events, maybe a partner~ at the vey least, new friends and connections are bound to be made.

Keep us posted!

Hugs,
Claudia

Eil4186

You deserve happiness
Kathi is so right. You are strong and have won an incredible battle for your life. I know that companionship from a man is a nice thing to have in our lives.

You sound like such a sweet, kind hearted person. You have been through the wringer and you deserve nothing but happiness in your life. As everyone else has said, I think that there are some men(ok, maybe many)that are superficial and are interested only the outer shell of a person, but there are men also who are looking to connect with a good, kind, loving woman who is beautiful on the inside. As you know,thats what makes us happy; the joy of spending time with someone who you care for and cares for you. Physical beauty can't hug us, can't hold our hand, can't make us laugh or comfort us when we are down.

You are beautiful. You have battle scars, true but they are badges of courage. Thats what I consider mine anyway. The right man will thinks so too. He will connect to your spirit and he is out there. Any man who finds you would be very lucky. Hang in there, try to go as many places as you can; groups, events, church functions etc...Also my friend gos to speed dating events. They are advertised in the paper and on the internet she says. They are grouped by age and she does'nt always mutually click with someone but she always has a nice time meeting and chatting with people. She says that you get 6-10 minutes with each guydepending how big the group is and so theres so pressure because its just a short meeting but long enough to get a "vibe". I think if I was single I would try it. Anyway, I will be thinking of you and praying that God answers your prayer. Take care, Eil

seof

get busy
Jessica,

I agree with the other ladies. You have come through something many people never have to face, and you are still going strong! I think getting involved in a group activity that enables you to focus on other people will give you a chance to find other people with similar interests, and it will give them a chance to see what a great person you are. Personally, I think Church is a great place to look. Most churches need all the help they can get and have a wide variety of ways to be involved. Other ideas: Get involved in an amateur actor's theater, volunteer with the American Cancer Society, or similar group, volunteer at a hospital, school, animal shelter, Red Cross, Habitat for Humanity, or whatever your interest is. Go to a class, learn a new skill, play a musical instrument, start a neighborhood crafting club, or something. You have had to focus on surviving and getting better for a long time. Now that you have accomplished that, it is time to focus on having fun and enjoying life!

Best wishes to you, seof