What do you do when THEY cry

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rjjj
rjjj Member Posts: 1,822 Member
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Lately i have had a couple friends who come to my home and they can't stop crying and telling me they don't want to lose me..and to fight fight fight. I end up comforting them and tell them i don't plan on going anywhere but they don't believe me. It is very depressing and puts fear in me. I wish they would change the subject (i try to )wish they would be optimistic any suggestions on keeping my spirits up?

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  • young_one
    young_one Member Posts: 67
    #2
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    I said the hardest part of
    I said the hardest part of cancer was holding everyone else up. So I stopped. I simply said I didn't have the energy to make them feel better about my disease so they could suck it up and fight with me or get out of my way while I fought. *Stop crying!* worked wonders for me. It's not a negotiation so just tell them that if they need to cry, fine, but it will have to be on someone else's shoulder because you have enough on yours.
  • Redgrl
    Redgrl Member Posts: 3
    #3
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    I think you should direct
    I think you should direct them to cancer.org and ask them to read how to support you.. Tell them what stage you are and have them educate themselves.. You should not have to support them.
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #4
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    Hang a sign at the door...
    Mood upon entering: cheerful and upbeat!

    Persons breaking this rule will be eaten!


    Hugs, Kathi
  • NorcalJ
    NorcalJ Member Posts: 187
    #5
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    KathiM said:

    Hang a sign at the door...
    Mood upon entering: cheerful and upbeat!

    Persons breaking this rule will be eaten!


    Hugs, Kathi

    Support
    Loved your comment Kathi. Rminds me of a sign I saw at a restaurant---"unattended children will be sold".
  • rjjj
    rjjj Member Posts: 1,822 Member
    #6
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    KathiM said:

    Hang a sign at the door...
    Mood upon entering: cheerful and upbeat!

    Persons breaking this rule will be eaten!


    Hugs, Kathi

    I'm hanging the sign
    Thank you all for great advice. I will be hanging the sign. When i see others i want to know that there is another world out there besides my cancer. In order to keep my self upbeat i will ask them to be cheerful and upbeat or they "will be eaten"!! loved it
    Thanks Kathi!!

    Jackie
  • Chellebug
    Chellebug Member Posts: 133
    #7
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    I appreciate your post. It
    I appreciate your post. It seems harder for those around us to watch us go through this experience. But the advice you've been given is very wise. And I like the sign idea...it kind of nips those tears right in the bud!

    I didn't really cry in front of anyone until my treatments were almost over (a year after my diagnosis) and no one really cried in front of me. Though I had plenty of people giving me advice and asking questions that I couldn't answer...or asking questions that I was tired of answering. That does get overwhelming. I decided to set up a blog and to let others experience the journey with me. It really helped me and it helped my family/friends stay connected.
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    #8
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    Wah Wah Wah!!!!
    The sign is a great idea ( leave it to Kathi!!!) To be honest, mortality has indeed tapped us on the shoulder, and most of us here on the boards don't need to be reminded of that by having to comfort crying friends! If we are all crying and peeing in our pants because our friends are making us laugh so hard we can't conrol ourselves, that is one thing!

    Hmmmmm...maybe that can be some kind of a sign~ "Tears of Joy permitted~ Leave Your Sadness at the Door"

    We're happy to have you here with us, you are a great asset to our family of survivors!

    Hugs,
    Claudia
  • mmontero38
    mmontero38 Member Posts: 1,510
    #9
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    I loved Kathi's idea. I
    I loved Kathi's idea. I personally told everyone that I was in the fight of my life and that I needed to be surrounded by supportive and positive people. If they would continue to cry then I was just not going to see them anymore. And...... it worked. Hugs, Lili
  • Jan_M
    Jan_M Member Posts: 116
    #10
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    mmontero38 said:

    I loved Kathi's idea. I
    I loved Kathi's idea. I personally told everyone that I was in the fight of my life and that I needed to be surrounded by supportive and positive people. If they would continue to cry then I was just not going to see them anymore. And...... it worked. Hugs, Lili

    Positive comments
    What I hate is the unpositive comments, like So and So had breast cancer and it went to her brain. My sister-in-law got me very down after a visit (And she is a nurse and should know better)she talked about all the people she knew that did not have a good outcome. I had to finally tell her I can't talk to her if she did not have positive things to say. She has not called me since, which doesn't bother me.
  • rjjj
    rjjj Member Posts: 1,822 Member
    #11
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    Jan_M said:

    Positive comments
    What I hate is the unpositive comments, like So and So had breast cancer and it went to her brain. My sister-in-law got me very down after a visit (And she is a nurse and should know better)she talked about all the people she knew that did not have a good outcome. I had to finally tell her I can't talk to her if she did not have positive things to say. She has not called me since, which doesn't bother me.

    HI jan
    I also hate the neative comments.. such as Oh-yeah my dads first treatment was a piece of cake and steadly got worse until he died..... and it always comes back... and even those who just look at you with sad eyes, shake their head and look down without saying a word they depress me. Those people i used to like i don't want to be around. Give me a friend that can give me a good belly laugh and i'll be their best friend... I just don't think that alot of people who haven't gone through this are even aware of what their words and attitude do to us.
    I am so happy to have found this wonderful caring support group on-line since i'm from a very small town that has no support groups!! maybe a good time to start one huh???

    Thanks for all your posts to this they made me laugh and start creating that sign for my door.

    God bless
    Jackie
  • mimivac
    mimivac Member Posts: 2,143 Member
    #12
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    rjjj said:

    HI jan
    I also hate the neative comments.. such as Oh-yeah my dads first treatment was a piece of cake and steadly got worse until he died..... and it always comes back... and even those who just look at you with sad eyes, shake their head and look down without saying a word they depress me. Those people i used to like i don't want to be around. Give me a friend that can give me a good belly laugh and i'll be their best friend... I just don't think that alot of people who haven't gone through this are even aware of what their words and attitude do to us.
    I am so happy to have found this wonderful caring support group on-line since i'm from a very small town that has no support groups!! maybe a good time to start one huh???

    Thanks for all your posts to this they made me laugh and start creating that sign for my door.

    God bless
    Jackie

    Negativity
    Sometimes I just don't understand people. How do they know that "it always comes back"? First of all, that's just not true. When people say things like that, I tell them this story. Both my grandmothers had breast cancer. One of them in the 1950's in a poor town in Turkey. She was 32 with 3 young boys at home to take care of and a husband who was away for weeks at a time working on the railroad. She walked to the hospital for treatments. She died forty years later of a heart attack, not breast cancer. My other grandmother had a mastectomy and then refused all other treatment and never went in for monitoring. No mammograms, nothing. She died many years later of an unrelated illness. So, if we are going by anecdotal evidence alone, I would have to say that it never comes back, even if you don't treat it. Of course the fact is that it sometimes comes back and sometimes doesn't. There are a lot of factors to consider, and people shouldn't make generalizations based on a few cases they heard about.

    Here is the cheery story my co-worker told me when she found out I was diangosed with breast cancer:
    Co-worker: Oh, my neighbor has colon cancer. She's 34.
    Me: That's too bad, but they can treat colon cancer.
    Co-worker: No.
    Me: Well, yes, they can. There are many options for...
    Co-worker: No. They are only keeping her alive so that her 4-year old daughter can have a few memories.

    People can be so clueless!
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member
    #13
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    mimivac said:

    Negativity
    Sometimes I just don't understand people. How do they know that "it always comes back"? First of all, that's just not true. When people say things like that, I tell them this story. Both my grandmothers had breast cancer. One of them in the 1950's in a poor town in Turkey. She was 32 with 3 young boys at home to take care of and a husband who was away for weeks at a time working on the railroad. She walked to the hospital for treatments. She died forty years later of a heart attack, not breast cancer. My other grandmother had a mastectomy and then refused all other treatment and never went in for monitoring. No mammograms, nothing. She died many years later of an unrelated illness. So, if we are going by anecdotal evidence alone, I would have to say that it never comes back, even if you don't treat it. Of course the fact is that it sometimes comes back and sometimes doesn't. There are a lot of factors to consider, and people shouldn't make generalizations based on a few cases they heard about.

    Here is the cheery story my co-worker told me when she found out I was diangosed with breast cancer:
    Co-worker: Oh, my neighbor has colon cancer. She's 34.
    Me: That's too bad, but they can treat colon cancer.
    Co-worker: No.
    Me: Well, yes, they can. There are many options for...
    Co-worker: No. They are only keeping her alive so that her 4-year old daughter can have a few memories.

    People can be so clueless!

    Tongue removal
    Too bad we can't remove the tongues of these insensitive jerks. I don't understand why people babble like that. I can't imagine they think that this is helpful. There are no givens in this. Two people can have a virtually identical cancer and it will react and resolve differently in each even with identical treatment. When I was 15, one of my best friends got Hodgkin's. I believe that back then the survival rate was dismal. Well, she received treatment at Stanford Hospital over a long period of time and 8 years later she was married, she has two children and last I heard (2years ago) she was going strong. So the only rules seem to be there are no rules. Those are stories I love to hear. People that beat the odds and that 45 years later are still going strong. Like your grandmothers.
  • Mikes Sunshine
    Mikes Sunshine Member Posts: 129
    #14
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    KathiM said:

    Hang a sign at the door...
    Mood upon entering: cheerful and upbeat!

    Persons breaking this rule will be eaten!


    Hugs, Kathi

    Thanks for the great idea. I
    Thanks for the great idea. I will putting my sign up tomorrow. I have enjoyed reading all your stories and have taken alot of ideas with me. Mikes Sunshine

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