Speaking of worry....

mimivac

So, a big question: how do you go on with your life with all this worry about cancer, recurrence, death, etc.? How do you feel happy again? How do you not feel that you are suffocating? I have been having a lot of ups and downs since my diagnosis. Sometimes I feel just fine, that I will beat this thing and that I will go on with my life. Other times, I feel an overwhelming fear, especially at night. I know I am doing all I can with chemo and radiation, but what if it's not enough? I guess it's a helpless feeling. I know nobody knows what will happen to them in the future -- even the perfectly healthy -- but I feel as though the ignorant bliss I used to have that "everything will be OK" is totally gone from my life. My parents think I should be rejoicing because they got the cancer out, but all I can think of is, "what if it's still there?" Do you just go on with this feeling, or does the feeling abate somewhat?

Sorry for the down thoughts. I am home today and melancholy, I guess.

Mimi

kbc4869

Practice, Practice, Practice
Hi Mimi,

It takes practice. I know that sounds trite, but it's true.

You are just starting out in this journey. You're right on schedule . . . the feelings of helplessness, overwhelming anxiety, night terrors, fear, that maddening question "What if?" . . . we've all been through it and you have to go through that in order to progress to the next level. Kind of like a video game in a sense. Or bootcamp . . . you have to get totally broke down before you can be built up again. It's hard . . . so very hard. But it's a part of the process.

What happened for me is that I finally got to the point where I could no longer let fear rule my life. I just didn't have the energy for it anymore. It's all consuming and sucks the joy out of every aspect of your life. Something had to change. Some people give it up to a higher power if they're religious. I'm not religious, so I'm not sure what I gave mine up to. And my fear didn't completely disapate. Some nights I'm up, too, overwhelmed with the fear and the What if's and the How Long's and When's? But then I wake up and start the process all over again.

None of us know what the future holds. But we are alive today. We'll probably be alive tomorrow. Take it day by day. You will get there. Please remember that I am five years out. I just recently felt like I could breath again. It may not take you so long. But you will get there. Remember: Day by Day.

You're doing good by not keeping these thoughts in your head. Tell us. We'll listen. We'll help when we can. You've taken the first steps. You are being very proactive in taking your life back. You're going to come out on the other side, Mimi -- I just know you are.

Love to you.

Jadie

Hi Mimi,
You are so normal
Hi Mimi,

You are so normal with all your feelings and emotions. I would say that everyone on this board has had these same feelings and emotions.

Truthfully I think that I will always have in the back of my mind "what if it comes back", but it is in the back of my mind. I don't let cancer rule my life. We have to keep on keeping on. Time has a way of healing. These feelings do abate with time. Try to put these thoughts in the back of your mind and concentrate on doing your treatments and getting better.

You had clean margins and nodes. Your cancer is gone. What if some is still there? Well thats why we do chemo. To get rid of any cells that might have escaped. You are doing every thing that you can by having these treatments and doing what the doctor advises.

I know from experience that putting these thoughts in the back of your mind is not an easy thing to do. You have to help yourself. It's sad to say but depression is a battle that no one else can fight for you. You are probably not sleeping good at nite because of the chemo and all the emotions. I took phenergan (an anit nausia drug) to help me sleep. I didn't want to get hooked on sleeping pills.

Remember to surround yourself with positive people. Watch a funny movie. Take a walk. In other words stay busy and get out there and live your life. Dont let the beast win.

Merry Christmas
Huggs
Jadie

Marcia527

I don't quote very good.
Who was that guy that whispers to dogs? Didn't he say that a dog lives life in the moment. Someone said we should do that too. Just live in the moment.

Notice how I quoted someone but didn't mention their name and also messed up the quote? Maybe the quote is good anyway. Live in the moment but if it's a bad moment then forget it. Well, I did change it that time.

mmontero38

Marcia527 said:

I don't quote very good.
Who was that guy that whispers to dogs? Didn't he say that a dog lives life in the moment. Someone said we should do that too. Just live in the moment.

Notice how I quoted someone but didn't mention their name and also messed up the quote? Maybe the quote is good anyway. Live in the moment but if it's a bad moment then forget it. Well, I did change it that time.

LOL Marcia, you're starting
LOL Marcia, you're starting to sound like me. Hugs, Lili

mmontero38

Mimi, how overwhelming a
Mimi, how overwhelming a cancer diagnosis is. You will get over that obsession with time. As time goes by you will wake up and be thinking less of the cancer and more about the things you have to do for the day. We've all been down that path and it does get better. Hugs, Lili

chenheart

Well, it does seem that we
Well, it does seem that we have a "new normal", but I dare say everyone in here feels or has felt the way you do at some time or another during this journey.

I never quite believed that I would get over the feeling that doom was just around the corner waiting to ambush me. But as I NOW often say, that other shoe which is waiting to drop is no longer a steel-toed work boot. It is rather a tiny, soft leather baby shoe. I realize its there, but it is so small I scarcely notice it anymore. Mortality has indeed tapped me on the shoulder, but instead of being afraid of it and hibernating , thus never to allow myself to be touched by Life And It's Uncertainties~ I am doing lots of fun things. I recently swam with dolphins in Cabo, and rode on the dorsal fin, I zip-lined, took salsa lessons, entered a ping pong tournament, and sang karaoke in a hotel bar. Not life altering ( well, the dolphins were!!) but why wait? And why hold back from doing something because it is possibly embarrassing? These folks in Cabo didn't know me, and by golly~ I had FUN!

So, take it as it comes, feel what you feel, and just know that it really does get better! And, Cancer is what you fight, NOT who you are!

Be well, our sister, and feel the love of those around you~

Hugs,
Claudia

dbs1673

helpless
Maybe the definition of helpless is thinking that we have to do it all by ourselves and we just don't have the answer. That's where hopeful comes in......believing that we will be guided on this journey by those that do know how to treat, support and care for us to a healthy place. I'm a believer!

kbc4869

Marcia527 said:

I don't quote very good.
Who was that guy that whispers to dogs? Didn't he say that a dog lives life in the moment. Someone said we should do that too. Just live in the moment.

Notice how I quoted someone but didn't mention their name and also messed up the quote? Maybe the quote is good anyway. Live in the moment but if it's a bad moment then forget it. Well, I did change it that time.

Cesar Romaro?
no, wait . . . that was the Joker from Batman. Cesar MILLANO is the Dog Whisperer. I love that guy. You know how he makes that SSSSSSPPPPPP sound and points his finger at the dog when it does something wrong and the dog stops? I wonder if that works on people? I'm gonna try that on my in-laws when they come to dinner on Christmas day.

Sorry. Done with my random thought. As you were. Discuss.

dorothyt

dbs1673 said:

helpless
Maybe the definition of helpless is thinking that we have to do it all by ourselves and we just don't have the answer. That's where hopeful comes in......believing that we will be guided on this journey by those that do know how to treat, support and care for us to a healthy place. I'm a believer!

MiMi, I have some of the
MiMi, I have some of the same feelings, the replies from everyone that have been on this journey longer has been a comfort to me. You see, I did not have chemo or radiation so you know I'm afraid the cancer may come back. I also believe in a higher power who have gotten me this far and I don't think he would leave me now, he comfort me when I'm down and I have been down a lot these past 7 months. When a year have past or maybe two we will have a better out look on our life. But right now it's a mind thing, we must be able to conquer the bad thoughts.

Joycelouise

Marcia527 said:

I don't quote very good.
Who was that guy that whispers to dogs? Didn't he say that a dog lives life in the moment. Someone said we should do that too. Just live in the moment.

Notice how I quoted someone but didn't mention their name and also messed up the quote? Maybe the quote is good anyway. Live in the moment but if it's a bad moment then forget it. Well, I did change it that time.

Marcia, you make me laugh
Marcia, you make me laugh outloud! Your attitude is true gold. Thanks for those really great words. Still smilin, Joyce

Joycelouise

Mimi, as you can see, we all
Mimi, as you can see, we all know just what you are talking about. So please, take heart (as I have done) when those further down the road say it gets better. The only people I would hesitate to say that "It WILL get better" to are those who are cheerfully going about handling everything with perfect calm and faith...and I have met someone like that. Of course I didn't say it, but I thought.."Man, sweetie, someday it is going to catch up with you and everything is going to get worse!"
You are a really welcome addition to this board, BTW. Take care. Almost through this chemo. Time to have a great, healthy Christmas. Remember, chances are that you are completely C free and the worse part of all of this TX is that you are doing it for nothing! love, Joyce

KathiM

Wow! I'm speechless...
And that's saying alot...

You gals are the BEST!!!

Hugs, Kathi

morkmunoz

Mimi,
You are not alone in
Mimi,
You are not alone in your feelings! I was diagnosed this July with breast cancer. Had a mastectomy and all my lymph nodes removed. I am going through chemo and will also be having radiation. I am 39 years old and there is no family history of breast cancer. Even though the doctors tell me that the cancer was removed, anytime I feel an ache or pain, I think to myself, "what if...?" I too have been wondering how to get past this. People tell me that with time it gets better, but it never goes away completely. This is what makes us as survivors not take anything for granted and remember what is important in life.
Have a wonderful holiday and be good to yourself!
Sarah

KathiM

morkmunoz said:

Mimi,
You are not alone in
Mimi,
You are not alone in your feelings! I was diagnosed this July with breast cancer. Had a mastectomy and all my lymph nodes removed. I am going through chemo and will also be having radiation. I am 39 years old and there is no family history of breast cancer. Even though the doctors tell me that the cancer was removed, anytime I feel an ache or pain, I think to myself, "what if...?" I too have been wondering how to get past this. People tell me that with time it gets better, but it never goes away completely. This is what makes us as survivors not take anything for granted and remember what is important in life.
Have a wonderful holiday and be good to yourself!
Sarah

Welcome Sarah!
I LOVE your pic! Two bigger smiles cannot be found, I'll wager!!

Yeah, it stays with you...but receeds further and further as time goes on....but, you are correct...we are alot more vigilant about any changes! We have fought too hard in battles passed, not to fight again, should the need arise!

Hugs, Kathi

Eil4186

Don't let cancer steal your life indirectly through fear.
Mimi, I felt just as you do after my diagnosis and during treatment. I would lie in the dark at night and cry. I think I was just overwhelmed emotionally and felt helpless and afraid. And just as you said, the docs can tell you that you have a good prognosis, but they cannot take away the fear of recurrence. As Chen said, the shoe will eventually get smaller and less noticable. I am over two years out and just over the past few months I have begun to devote less energy to fearing cancer.

I used to cry for no reason during treatment, now it still happens but much less. I still am way more emotional than before the cancer. It is a huge, horrible, scary experience to have cancer. I think we are changed forever by the whole thing. But, with that said, we can go on, be happy and live a good life. It will be different than it was, but eventually the cancer will fade a bit in your mind. I agree with Marcia, living in the moment is good. I have been trying to do that lately. The past is gone, and whatever the future holds we cannot change. I try to enjoy all the little moments each day and savor the good times. I was wasting so much time being afraid, worrying about what if, researching cancer, reading about it, wondering if my cancer would come back, I was not enjoying life. Then I realized----life is what we fear losing to cancer right? Well then I am not going to let cancer steal my life indirectly through fear.

Mimi, you are brave and strong---you are making it through something that everyone fears most-cancer. You are a survivor!!! Try and spend your energy on being happy. You deserve it.

I think this life is a journey. Its short and I want to have fun and enjoy every part of it. If I want something, I indulge myself if possible, and I try not to sweat the small stuff anymore. Its just not worth it and its not worth it to worry about something that may never happen. With that said, I still worry each day about cancer, but as Chen said; its a baby shoe now! Take care, we are routing for you! Happy holiday, Eil