Kinda eerie

keepnthefaith

I was dx'd in May 2008 with Stage IIIa rectal cancer - had LAR, radiation and just finished with 6 months of Folfox last week (yea!!). Weird thing is now I feel kind of lost, like I am supposed to be doing something but there's nothing to do. I almost feel as if I am depressed (the gloomy weather does not help), but can think of no reason to be. I have a CT Scan scheduled next month with a follow up appt. with the oncologist a couple of weeks after. Has anyone else experienced this kind of feeling after finishing treatment? I am pretty sure my husband thinks I am nuts since I am not jumping up and down for joy - believe me I want to, but the feeling is just not there. I hope I can pull it all together before Christmas gets here and be the happy, joyful person everyone wants to see.
Thanks,
Felicia

KathiM

It goes by many names....
Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Accute stress disorder...those are the two that were thrown at me....

I like to think 'graduating' from cancer treatment is like 'graduating' from High School. After years and years of being told where to be, what time to be there, and what to bring...well, a handshake, a piece of paper, and a hearty 'Have a nice life'. WHAT????? Are you SURE?????? What the HECK do I do, now???? I actually got mad at my surgeon (he was the last one I saw for the rectal cancer) when he said "I don't need to see you anymore".

You are correct, many people who have never met the beast say "Why aren't you ecstatic????"

My reply was "I am guardedly pessimistic". (No, not optomistic). My faith in a long, happy, uneventful life was sorely put to the test...I met up with a life-threatening illness.

That all said, day by day, reality does seep in, and it does become easier to laugh, and breath and dance and plan for the future. The day I knew I was going to be around for awhile was the day I bought a new car, complete with 5 years of payments...rofl!

I guess I just think, as my oncologist, radiologist, and surgeons release me, that I am making room for someone who needs these people alot worse than I do. And I am also confident that at the first sign of trouble (whether real or imagined), they will find a spot for me in their busy schedule.

Congrats, dearheart...and give yourself a big hug from me!

Hugs, Kathi

pamness

Your feelings are completely normal.
I was warned that after I finished treatment for IIIA colon cancer, I might feel, depressed , lost, etc. I said "no I won't." I had a horrible time with chemo and radiation so I thought I would be so excited to be done, I would feel nothing else.

Wrong, I was lackluster and a little depressed, etc. for a good six months after I finished (it extended through the holidays). I started taking Zoloft (an anti depressent) a small amount. But, gradually, the feelings just went away.

It is very hard to spend almost a year of your life going to treatments, being sick, having surgery and then just - bam - you are deemed OK and tossed back into the real world.

I am told that over 75 percent of all people feel the way you and, apparently, I reacted. Don't hesitate to talk to a social worker or psychologist/psychiatrist. Your feelings are very common and totally normal. Some say, that, emotionally, this was the hardest part.

I am surprised your oncologist, nurses, whoever, didn't warn you.

Talk to someone, even a friend. It will pass and you will be OK.

Pam
"

kmygil

But, but, but....
Yes. I hear you! When it was all done, I said, "But, but....What do I do now?" It's like you're not actually fighting any more, and you don't know what to do. All kinds of things go through your head like, "Since I'm not in treatment any more, will the cancer come back? Did they do everything they should? What do I do now? I'm declared NED, but I'm still tired & have effects from chemo and everyone will expect me to be like before, but I'm not."

All this is normal. When peoples' expectations are not in line with your reality, just educate them. Set aside some time for yourself to think about your fight and all it entailed--physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. During the entire fight, you never really have time to process everything; it's just 'go on to the next phase.' And tell yourself that you are a warrior and you've been in battle & you need some time to regroup.

And remember--you can always come here, because most of us have been there.

Hugs,
Kirsten

keepnthefaith

kmygil said:

But, but, but....
Yes. I hear you! When it was all done, I said, "But, but....What do I do now?" It's like you're not actually fighting any more, and you don't know what to do. All kinds of things go through your head like, "Since I'm not in treatment any more, will the cancer come back? Did they do everything they should? What do I do now? I'm declared NED, but I'm still tired & have effects from chemo and everyone will expect me to be like before, but I'm not."

All this is normal. When peoples' expectations are not in line with your reality, just educate them. Set aside some time for yourself to think about your fight and all it entailed--physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. During the entire fight, you never really have time to process everything; it's just 'go on to the next phase.' And tell yourself that you are a warrior and you've been in battle & you need some time to regroup.

And remember--you can always come here, because most of us have been there.

Hugs,
Kirsten

Whew!!
Nice to know what I am feeling is normal. As far as the oncology nurses - I never gave them a chance to know how I was feeling - I am a "fixer" and I almost always said I was doing fine even though I might be feeling like crap. I think my biggest problem now is that I expect myself to just pick up where I left off 8 months ago and get on with things - my husband is usually the one that brings me back to reality when I say "I just don't know why I can't get everything done....".
Thanks for the replies. I think I will try to slow down a bit (hard to do this time of year) and let things sink in. I am also going to make sure I get a game plan in place when I go back to see the oncologist next month. I need to know what to expect for the next couple of years.
Felicia

KathiM

keepnthefaith said:

Whew!!
Nice to know what I am feeling is normal. As far as the oncology nurses - I never gave them a chance to know how I was feeling - I am a "fixer" and I almost always said I was doing fine even though I might be feeling like crap. I think my biggest problem now is that I expect myself to just pick up where I left off 8 months ago and get on with things - my husband is usually the one that brings me back to reality when I say "I just don't know why I can't get everything done....".
Thanks for the replies. I think I will try to slow down a bit (hard to do this time of year) and let things sink in. I am also going to make sure I get a game plan in place when I go back to see the oncologist next month. I need to know what to expect for the next couple of years.
Felicia

That's why....
After treatment ends, it's often referred to by we survivors as our 'New Normal'.

I actually don't want to go 'back' to some pieces of my life...especially where I over stress about stuff I can't change...

Go easy, treat yourself well, Christmas can be about sitting and listening to the quiet as well...

Hugs, Kathi