scared

mayo

hello everyone,

This is my first post. i was diagnosed with breast cancer in Jan. had a mastectomy in March, and started chemo in June which i am still undergoing. everyone always tells me how great i look and what a great attitude i have but i have to be honest somewhere. i am scared to death, scared of recurrence, scared of not seeing my 3 children grown, scared of the next chemo..........just scared. Can someone tell me if this fear ever goes away?

KathiM

Just saying it out loud helps....
At the beginning, I was afraid all of the time.

I don't know, for me, that fear has mellowed to vigilance. I'm 3 years out. I think that the thoughts of reoccurance keeps me aware about my health. If I should have one, well, I'll be looking for it, and I'll know what to do. Not only did I have stage II breast cancer, but stage III rectal cancer (3.5 years out on that).

But do I think about it all of the time? No. Not at all. I guess it's like being cautious when I cross the road...I look both ways so that I don't get hit by a car...

Hugs, Kathi

mgm42

It Does....
Dear Mayo, it does go away but as with everything related to breast cancer, it takes time. Everything with this beast takes time. We wait for the lab results, we wait for the doctor to talk to us, we wait for the next treatment, we wait to feel better, WE WAIT...

But, I'm here to tell you that it does get better. I'm sure there will be a ton of our other sisters who will tell you the same thing. And strangely enough, one morning several months from now, you'll wake up and NOT think about your breast cancer; you WON"T think about recurrence. Those thoughts will NOT be the ones that start your day. That's not to say that those thoughts won't race through your mind from time to time, but that prevasive fear will be gone.

Hang in there kiddo. Hugs, Marilynn

Joycelouise

What Marilyn said is true.
What Marilyn said is true. It gets easier. Life returns. And Marily and I went through chemo together and went through being very scared together and we are here to vouch for each other and you. You WILL get through this and it WILL get easier. You will also be changed, but not for the worse. Keep coming to this site for some good advice, friendship, and handholding. I am just one year out of DX. It has been a tough year. But, I feel good, look good, and only occasionally have a dark day. Welcome to the sisterhood! love, Joyce

mayo

Joycelouise said:

What Marilyn said is true.
What Marilyn said is true. It gets easier. Life returns. And Marily and I went through chemo together and went through being very scared together and we are here to vouch for each other and you. You WILL get through this and it WILL get easier. You will also be changed, but not for the worse. Keep coming to this site for some good advice, friendship, and handholding. I am just one year out of DX. It has been a tough year. But, I feel good, look good, and only occasionally have a dark day. Welcome to the sisterhood! love, Joyce

scared
Wow

Thanks so much too all of you! It feels better just talking about it. It seems everyones course is so very different. But when you find someone at least traveling down the same road you feel like you have a friend and that they understand you. My family and friends are wonderful and very supportive but i know they just really dont get it. i always joke and say that my family is so done with this chemo stuff.....and they are in some ways and in some ways that is good. i mean i wouldnt want them to worry about it every time. anyway i just found this site today and the hugs you have all given has made me feel better already

Debbie

mmontero38

mayo said:

scared
Wow

Thanks so much too all of you! It feels better just talking about it. It seems everyones course is so very different. But when you find someone at least traveling down the same road you feel like you have a friend and that they understand you. My family and friends are wonderful and very supportive but i know they just really dont get it. i always joke and say that my family is so done with this chemo stuff.....and they are in some ways and in some ways that is good. i mean i wouldnt want them to worry about it every time. anyway i just found this site today and the hugs you have all given has made me feel better already

Debbie

Welcome Debbie to the
Welcome Debbie to the sisterhood and brotherhood since we do have a few men here on this site with breast cancer. I can tell you that in the beginning it is a waiting game and you do dwell on the fact that you have breast cancer, but it does get easier with time and as Marilynn, has said, one day you will get up and cancer will not the first thought on your mind. Hugs, Lili

RE

GLAD YOU FOUND US!
Everything these wonderful ladies have told you is true, with time this fear will dissipate. I know it probably doesn’t feel like that right now, but it will get better. I cannot say it will totally go away, but you will have many wonderful days when cancer doesn’t even enter your mind. Many ((((HUGS)))) to you!

RE

mgm42

mayo said:

scared
Wow

Thanks so much too all of you! It feels better just talking about it. It seems everyones course is so very different. But when you find someone at least traveling down the same road you feel like you have a friend and that they understand you. My family and friends are wonderful and very supportive but i know they just really dont get it. i always joke and say that my family is so done with this chemo stuff.....and they are in some ways and in some ways that is good. i mean i wouldnt want them to worry about it every time. anyway i just found this site today and the hugs you have all given has made me feel better already

Debbie

And Thanks to You, Too
Thanks to you, too, Debbie. Your posting gave me the chance to actually sit down, think, and utimately articulate how I was feeling now that I'm one year out from my initial diagnosis and five months out from my last treatment and all side effects. It was a GREAT feeling. So thanks for the opportunity. And, I'm so glad that you found us. These women (and one man) are some of the kindness and most courageous you will ever find. I love them all. They were my lifeline while I was going through treatment and I appreciate the opportunity you given me to give back. Hugs, Marilynn

mayo

RE said:

GLAD YOU FOUND US!
Everything these wonderful ladies have told you is true, with time this fear will dissipate. I know it probably doesn’t feel like that right now, but it will get better. I cannot say it will totally go away, but you will have many wonderful days when cancer doesn’t even enter your mind. Many ((((HUGS)))) to you!

RE

scared
to all of you thanks.....there is such love and warmth on this site Thanks

Eil4186

mayo said:

scared
to all of you thanks.....there is such love and warmth on this site Thanks

it does get better
I am a worry wort. My fear lasted a long time and now I am 2 and 1/2 years out from my diagnosis and I am just now starting to let go of the constant fear of recurrence. It just happens gradually I think. I still don't sleep well(have not slept through the night since treatment) and I'm convinced that is a long term side effect of chemo. But in terms of my everyday mood, I am beginning to feel more relaxed and I don't find myself thinking about cancer every minute anymore. As others have said, I still have my moments and down days but I think I have come a long way and you will too.

Its hard to believe that now, but eventually you will start to feel more like your old self. Cancer will always probably crop into your thoughts from time to time but it won't have a hold of you so tight anymore. I look forward to thinking of it less and less as the years pass. Hang in there, Eil

sylva

Hi, I had my mastectgomy on
Hi, I had my mastectgomy on March too, and finished with chemo at the end of June. There's no one day that I don't get up in the morning and the first thing that comes to my mind is this disease... but once I'm really awake, I substitute the thought by Thanks God I'm alive!!
I understand the fear, the thoughts, the thinking about the future, something that really helps me is to live DAY BY DAY. If we look at the whole picture, it can be scare. Continue having you great attitude, enjoy your lovely children, listen to positive messages...
You are A L I V E ! ! ! Hugs

gemsa

Fear never leaves...completely
Lance Armstrong said, "Cancer may leave your body, but it never leaves your life." I'm 5 years out and think that is so true. The fear does lessen over time though, and you just figure out how to live with it. I'm sure that is not what a psychologist would say, probably that you need to find out how to overcome the fear, but for me, it's basically an effort in suppressing it so that it does not impact my day to day.

It does get better.

dorothyt

gemsa said:

Fear never leaves...completely
Lance Armstrong said, "Cancer may leave your body, but it never leaves your life." I'm 5 years out and think that is so true. The fear does lessen over time though, and you just figure out how to live with it. I'm sure that is not what a psychologist would say, probably that you need to find out how to overcome the fear, but for me, it's basically an effort in suppressing it so that it does not impact my day to day.

It does get better.

Hi Debbbie, I had my
Hi Debbie, I had my mastectomy in June, I believe I was more afraid before I had the surgery,because the cancer was there and I knew it, but now that I had the mastectomy and the doctor told me they removed it all. My life has change. I was working two jobs wasn't making no money just having something to do. Now I feel no matter what is down the road I'm going to live my life one day at a time. Quit both jobs they were very stressful. Don't need the stress. Need this time to heal not only my body but also my mind.

dishillcutt

Being scared
What you are feeling is very normal. All of us who have had cancer deal with it in our own way, and we have to do what works for us.

When I was diagnosed in 2003, it didn't catch me by surprise, because my mother had breast cancer twice, and it runs on her side and my father's side of the family.

I tried not to let the word cancer enter my mind - I would say, I just got this thing, or stuff I am going through. I kept looking ahead, and thanked God that I made it through one more day of surgery/chemo/radiation. I had problems with everythng I went through - I three surgeries, chemo, radiation and a week in the hospital from radiation burns, all in a 11 month period in 2004.

Try and find something positive to do now and look forward to later after all this is over with. Find a support group in your area - I work a lot now the American Cancer Society in our area and there is a phone number - 1-800-ACS-2345, there is someone there 24/7/365, trained volunteers who can help with any problem you have, and there are services that can help you.

Count your blessings you have right now and remember there is life after cancer, a lot of survivors now.

Hope this helps

Rose trémière

Scared
Hello,
I had breast cancer 2 years ago. What worried me the most, when I learned I had cancer, was not if I was going to die, or if I would get my treatment on time. What worried me most if how I was going to live with the FEAR. When I met people who had had breast cancer, the first question I asked was "How do you live with the fear". Two years later, I can tell you that the fear really does go away. Even thought you can't forget what happened, even though it is always in the back of your mind when it is time to make decisions about what to eat or whether to work or relax, you learn to live with it. Time heals! You become a warrior, very vigilant but ready to tackle anything with courage. I can now say I've been through the worst. Nothing much scares me anymore. At one point, you realize that what is more important than fear is living each moment to the fullest.
I wish you the best.
Gisele

Joycelouise

Rose trémière said:

Scared
Hello,
I had breast cancer 2 years ago. What worried me the most, when I learned I had cancer, was not if I was going to die, or if I would get my treatment on time. What worried me most if how I was going to live with the FEAR. When I met people who had had breast cancer, the first question I asked was "How do you live with the fear". Two years later, I can tell you that the fear really does go away. Even thought you can't forget what happened, even though it is always in the back of your mind when it is time to make decisions about what to eat or whether to work or relax, you learn to live with it. Time heals! You become a warrior, very vigilant but ready to tackle anything with courage. I can now say I've been through the worst. Nothing much scares me anymore. At one point, you realize that what is more important than fear is living each moment to the fullest.
I wish you the best.
Gisele

Beautiful post, Gisele.
Beautiful post, Gisele. love, Joyce

mmontero38

Rose trémière said:

Scared
Hello,
I had breast cancer 2 years ago. What worried me the most, when I learned I had cancer, was not if I was going to die, or if I would get my treatment on time. What worried me most if how I was going to live with the FEAR. When I met people who had had breast cancer, the first question I asked was "How do you live with the fear". Two years later, I can tell you that the fear really does go away. Even thought you can't forget what happened, even though it is always in the back of your mind when it is time to make decisions about what to eat or whether to work or relax, you learn to live with it. Time heals! You become a warrior, very vigilant but ready to tackle anything with courage. I can now say I've been through the worst. Nothing much scares me anymore. At one point, you realize that what is more important than fear is living each moment to the fullest.
I wish you the best.
Gisele

Thanks Gisele for expressing
Thanks Gisele for expressing so well what most of us feel. Hugs, Lili

cabbott

Getting Better
I was not really able to understand why soldiers in battle often end up with post-traumatic stress syndrome (reoccuring nightmares, flashbacks, sleep problems, anxiety are some of the symptoms) until I had been on the firing line of being diagnosed with cancer. For literally days on end all I felt was fear. Even when some of the 24-7 stuff subsided (getting a plan of action helped a lot there), the post-traumatic stress syndrome stuff remained. Talking about it in support groups, writing here, talking on end with fellow survivors, reading all the details of what research was able to do and time itself has helped me a lot. While no one has ever diagnosed me with post-traumatic stress syndrome, I did read research that doctors did that found that most of us have some signs of it. I laughed. The doctors are so far behind their patients in understanding what it is like to be diagnosed! "You have cancer" translates as your life as you know it is over. For many of us, the word "cancer" means death. I had to live a few years to get over that belief. The cure for PTSS or PTSD (the "d" stands for disorder and means it is the more serious type I think) is usually the telling and retelling of the stress event in a safe place until the patient has the concious brain in control rather than their more primitive brain parts that were imprinted by the stress event. The more primitive brain parts will fire an alert every time anything from the original stressor occurs. This is why a smell, a thought, driving near the hospital, seeing a particular doctor or nurse, getting a test generates such a strong reaction. We react--we can't help it--it's built into our brains for basic survival. But our thinking brain can overcome that as they become more in charge. Medicine for anxiety can help as well. I preferred cardio exercise on a daily basis and a calming diet, but that's not enough for everyone and looking back, maybe not all I should have done to enjoy those two or three years of my life. Reaching out to others and expressing yourself in words, art, music, journaling, whatever helps the most. Good luck!

creampuff91344

cabbott said:

Getting Better
I was not really able to understand why soldiers in battle often end up with post-traumatic stress syndrome (reoccuring nightmares, flashbacks, sleep problems, anxiety are some of the symptoms) until I had been on the firing line of being diagnosed with cancer. For literally days on end all I felt was fear. Even when some of the 24-7 stuff subsided (getting a plan of action helped a lot there), the post-traumatic stress syndrome stuff remained. Talking about it in support groups, writing here, talking on end with fellow survivors, reading all the details of what research was able to do and time itself has helped me a lot. While no one has ever diagnosed me with post-traumatic stress syndrome, I did read research that doctors did that found that most of us have some signs of it. I laughed. The doctors are so far behind their patients in understanding what it is like to be diagnosed! "You have cancer" translates as your life as you know it is over. For many of us, the word "cancer" means death. I had to live a few years to get over that belief. The cure for PTSS or PTSD (the "d" stands for disorder and means it is the more serious type I think) is usually the telling and retelling of the stress event in a safe place until the patient has the concious brain in control rather than their more primitive brain parts that were imprinted by the stress event. The more primitive brain parts will fire an alert every time anything from the original stressor occurs. This is why a smell, a thought, driving near the hospital, seeing a particular doctor or nurse, getting a test generates such a strong reaction. We react--we can't help it--it's built into our brains for basic survival. But our thinking brain can overcome that as they become more in charge. Medicine for anxiety can help as well. I preferred cardio exercise on a daily basis and a calming diet, but that's not enough for everyone and looking back, maybe not all I should have done to enjoy those two or three years of my life. Reaching out to others and expressing yourself in words, art, music, journaling, whatever helps the most. Good luck!

Getting better
Cabbott, I read your comments, word for word, and really agree that cancer patients have a fear like no other. I have a nephew who has served in Afghanistan recently, and his family has told me that he is such a changed person. He is a young man who graduated from Texas A&M about two years ago, married just after graduation, and was a menber of the Corps while in college. His ultimate goal was to serve in the military after graduation, and after three months in the Army was sent to Afghanistan to the front lines for six months. His perception of what he and his fellow soldiers went through is so vivid that we just listen in awe of what they are expected to do as fighters for our freedom. However, PTSD has been a major part of his life, especially since he is probably going to return to a foreign soil soon. His parents are both in touch with what he is going through, and watch him closely to make sure he is able to cope. Cancer patients are basically following the same path as a combat soldier. We fight the enemy, do all that we are told will aid and assist us in getting through the treatment, and are constantly faced with the possibility that we will have to do combat again. Today, for the first day since my diagnoisis, I woke up to Thanksgiving, and made a decision that this is the first day of the rest of my life. Until now, I have woken up every morning, and the first thought through my mind was that I may be facing death. I have found a new direction to send my mind, and have decided that making the most of whatever time I have left is much more important than dwelling on the future that I have no control over, no matter how I choose to live. Don't get me wrong. I have been through all of the treatments, chemo, radiation and the "five year wonder pill" for some time period, and will continue to seek advice and keep scheduled exams from my oncologist and other medical professionals. However, I refuse to think any more about how to die....I choose to live, however long that may be...tomorrow or 20 years from now. The ability to share this with all of you has really given me a boost, and hopefully my survival attitude has kicked in, BIG TIME.

Hugs to all,

Judy

Joycelouise

cabbott said:

Getting Better
I was not really able to understand why soldiers in battle often end up with post-traumatic stress syndrome (reoccuring nightmares, flashbacks, sleep problems, anxiety are some of the symptoms) until I had been on the firing line of being diagnosed with cancer. For literally days on end all I felt was fear. Even when some of the 24-7 stuff subsided (getting a plan of action helped a lot there), the post-traumatic stress syndrome stuff remained. Talking about it in support groups, writing here, talking on end with fellow survivors, reading all the details of what research was able to do and time itself has helped me a lot. While no one has ever diagnosed me with post-traumatic stress syndrome, I did read research that doctors did that found that most of us have some signs of it. I laughed. The doctors are so far behind their patients in understanding what it is like to be diagnosed! "You have cancer" translates as your life as you know it is over. For many of us, the word "cancer" means death. I had to live a few years to get over that belief. The cure for PTSS or PTSD (the "d" stands for disorder and means it is the more serious type I think) is usually the telling and retelling of the stress event in a safe place until the patient has the concious brain in control rather than their more primitive brain parts that were imprinted by the stress event. The more primitive brain parts will fire an alert every time anything from the original stressor occurs. This is why a smell, a thought, driving near the hospital, seeing a particular doctor or nurse, getting a test generates such a strong reaction. We react--we can't help it--it's built into our brains for basic survival. But our thinking brain can overcome that as they become more in charge. Medicine for anxiety can help as well. I preferred cardio exercise on a daily basis and a calming diet, but that's not enough for everyone and looking back, maybe not all I should have done to enjoy those two or three years of my life. Reaching out to others and expressing yourself in words, art, music, journaling, whatever helps the most. Good luck!

Cabbot, I have been
Cabbot, I have been interested in the PTSD angle too and read a book saying that it can be caused when our body gets stuck on sudden halt after fight and flight are ruled out to save us. The book suggests that mentally reliving our stress, with the stuck place working itself out in action instead of getting stymied, can sometimes help. So last mammogram, as I went to the car, I envisioned myself giving a high kungfu kick to the mammogram machine that had DX'ed me a year ago. I really felt the force of a hard kick and imagined the machine crumbling helplessly, smashed to smithereens by my blow. Of course, that is absurd, but even now I love the image and I think some stressed animal part of me does too. I will just let my logical mind out of the loop for a while. After all, it isn't so good at healing the deep stuff. love, Joyce

mayo

Joycelouise said:

Cabbot, I have been
Cabbot, I have been interested in the PTSD angle too and read a book saying that it can be caused when our body gets stuck on sudden halt after fight and flight are ruled out to save us. The book suggests that mentally reliving our stress, with the stuck place working itself out in action instead of getting stymied, can sometimes help. So last mammogram, as I went to the car, I envisioned myself giving a high kungfu kick to the mammogram machine that had DX'ed me a year ago. I really felt the force of a hard kick and imagined the machine crumbling helplessly, smashed to smithereens by my blow. Of course, that is absurd, but even now I love the image and I think some stressed animal part of me does too. I will just let my logical mind out of the loop for a while. After all, it isn't so good at healing the deep stuff. love, Joyce

once again thanks to all of
once again thanks to all of you. i do try very hard to just enjoy each day but sometimes it just sneaks up on you. Especially when we are talking about our childrens future, i ALWAYS find myself stopping a praying that i will be there to see each and every day

debbie