Not completely balanced...yet

Joycelouise

We all try to be positive on this board. And that is a really good thing - I believe in positive energy. But, sometimes, it might seem that everyone else is coping so well while at home, we still have some troubles. So I am going to write about my experience this morning. I went for my one year post dx mammogram, walk in, so I wouldn't have to schedule and worry. I thought I was pretty over the trauma but when I got to the clinic I started crying like a baby. Thank G-d, (literally) that the nurse was one of those kind ones. She hugged me. But I was a wreck. As soon as she took the image (ouch) I ran over to the screen(after she opened the jaws or it would have been double ouch!). "Is everything okay???" She said the picture wasn't even up yet, but we waited together and she said it looks fine...but it needs to be compared with my old one so no immediate clean bill yet. The nurse was kind, I think everything is okay, but I sure cried. From pure fear. Smeared my eyeliner to heck. Just wanted anyone out there to know. It's okay to be fragile - no hurries on the perfect survivor attitude! And, just so this post isn't a downer, there was one funny thing. In the middle of obsessing about myself another woman comes into the clinic and announces that is here for her "MONOgram". Good thing I was self absorbed or I would have laughed out loud. Good thing I was well behaved or I would have shown her the monogram (mas scar) I got last time! Have a good day everyone and thanks for reading. It helps to share. Love, Joyce

chenheart

((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))
Yes, Joyce, our "new normal" isn't always a chocolate martini, is it?! Sometimes I am so tired of being upbeat and positive that I think ( and I obviously have never had any first hand knowledge of this) of the waving, smiling beauty queens and how their jaws and cheeks must ache after a day of float-riding! Only we ride this float every day, all day long. It's no wonder that we fall apart waiting to see if we have won this years pageant!

Monogram! What a great word! Is that related in anyway to a Mom-o gram, or the prostate exam for the brothers, the Manogram? I have a friend who calls it a Mamiogram...and I can't bring myself to correct her~ it makes me laugh every time! I told her I was insulted when the Dr said I have dense breasts. What? They didn't go to school with me every day or what????

For as brave as we are, we do wait for that other shoe to drop, don't we? I am glad you found a nurturing RN~ and of course, you have us!!!!

Hugs,
Claudia

zahalene

eeeeeks...
isn't that what college kids get when they kiss tooooo much??? LOL
Hugs hun. I bet most of us have had a melt down in the doctor's office, or lab, or imaging center, or you-name-it place where we don't want to be but are too scared not to show up and can't wait to get out of so we can go home and start waiting for our results so we can go back to the you-name-it place where we don't want to be but are too scared not to show up and can't wait to get out of...hiccup. Sorry... no, no, I will be fine...just a flashback...(LOL).

mmontero38

Joyce your post brought back
Joyce your post brought back memories of my monogram last month. They had me wait awhile and I just started bawling like a baby. Thank God the tech was the same girl that was there when I was diagnosed and she remembered me so of course out came the box of tissues and hugs but it did make me feel better. Like, Claudia stated, it seems like we are always waiting for that shoe to drop. I'm glad everything turned out ok for you. Hugs, Lili

Joycelouise

Not only do you guys
Not only do you guys understand, you leave me laughing! Thanks. Seriously, it was almost cathartic to go back to the scene of the crime and have a good sob. The first time I didn't cry. But I almost fainted and had to be wheeled out in a wheelchair. Imagine my poor husband. Not only does he get told I have BC but sees me wheeled out like the end is near. Well it wasn't. I made it to another mamogram. Now, what stunt to pull next year?? love, JOyce

kbc4869

The Scene of the Crime
I'd like to say it gets easier. It does and it doesn't. Thankfully, I no longer go back to the place where I had my treatments. The first two years I did though. They sent me to the chemo room to take my blood. I swear chemo has a distinctive sicky smell to it that just brings all the feelings and ickiness back.

And yes -- it's like one step forward, two steps back. I thought I finally had it together. But I've been down for the last few days for no real reason. It doesn't take much to put me back there. I hate that I've become someone whose considered "emotionally fragile." I used to feel so superior to those types.

Well, this settles it. I'm flying in to go with you next year. I'll stand behind you and tickle you!

Love YA!

Joycelouise

kbc4869 said:

The Scene of the Crime
I'd like to say it gets easier. It does and it doesn't. Thankfully, I no longer go back to the place where I had my treatments. The first two years I did though. They sent me to the chemo room to take my blood. I swear chemo has a distinctive sicky smell to it that just brings all the feelings and ickiness back.

And yes -- it's like one step forward, two steps back. I thought I finally had it together. But I've been down for the last few days for no real reason. It doesn't take much to put me back there. I hate that I've become someone whose considered "emotionally fragile." I used to feel so superior to those types.

Well, this settles it. I'm flying in to go with you next year. I'll stand behind you and tickle you!

Love YA!

Oh, Kim..only you could make
Oh, Kim..only you could make me look forward to a mammogram.
And when we go together lets pretend that we are first timers, lightweights, and don't actually have huge reservoirs of strength that sometimes emit a mist of tears.
Hope you are back on your way forward already. If not, I will tickle YOU! love, Joyce