VENTING

scaraher

Hi everyone I haven't been on in awhile but I have thought about many of you. I am having a hard time dealing with "the hand God has dealt me" I am almost done with radiation without many side effects just extreme tiredness. Had chemo with A/C and taxotere and I am now on Tamoxifen. I HATE TAMOXIFEN. I am having a very hard time with the side effects from it. I have joint and bone pain which is tolerable but its the menopause symptoms that are getting me the most. I am only 30 and I am not supposed to be going through menopause!!!! I have 2 toddlers, 2 step daughters ages 10 and 15 and I am snapping at them and my husband all the time. The hot flashes are horrendous I am losing sleep because of them and I am emotional all the time I feel like I am permanently PMSing. I guess that is how you are suposed to feel during menopause but I think God had it right when he decided women should go through menopause at 50 or so instead of 30.

I also feel like everyone expects me to be like I used to be: Supermom and Superwife but I just can't be I have no energy to do all I used to do. Plus I am worried all the time about recurrence and such I don't know what to do anymore. I thought I wanted to have the bilateral mastectomy and hysterectomy for prevention but now I am having emtional issues with that and I am so afraid that I will do all the surgeries and it will just come back. Then I worry about my kids not having a mom and how it will affect them. I know I shouldn't "borrow trouble" but I feel like the big BC is going to come back not only because the numbers say so 83% chance of recurrence and 60% chance of dying from it in the next 10 years. Yes I know I shouldn't depend on numbers but I am an accounting student numbers are my thing. It is the unknown that bothers me if God was to tell me his plan whether its to be cancer free for life or recurrence and ultimately death from it I would be ok because I could plan and know what I need to do but the unknown is killing me. Even though like I said earlier I have resigned myself to the beast returning.

Oh yeah and I tested positive for BRCA2 so my mom had the test (her mother died of BC at 53) and she is negative so I am guessing it came from dad's side but he is leary about getting tested.

Thanks everyone for letting me vent and get it out noone understands like you guys.

Stephanie

ohilly

BRCA 1
Stephanie, I read your post. I am BRCA 1. Without trying to tell you what to do, I just wanted to share my experience: I had a mastectomy for stage I cancer in January. After that I got the results of my BRCA test and had a second, preventive mastectomy on Sept. 18. Both times I had immediate lat flap reconstruction. Fortunately, years earlier I had had a complete hysterectomy because of fibroid tumors, so I didn't have to go thru that now.

I feel relieved that I had bilateral mastectomies: I know it could come back even after a mastectomy, but it's less likely and I feel that I made the right decision. My reconstructed breasts look okay except for big scars, but I would rather have peace of mind that perfect breasts.

Feel free to send me a private message if you want to talk about BRCA.

Good luck. Ohilly

gemsa

tamoxifen
Hi Stephanie,
If it helps, studies show that those who have more side effects from tamoxifen are more likely to benefit from it. A lot of the issues that you are having trouble with are expected for someone your age with a bc diagnosis. There are a lot of us out there struggling with the same concerns.

The bc is one thing, but the fear is another beast entirely. The only advice I can offer is that it gets better with time. I was stage 3A, so the numbers were against me too. I can happily said I have reached the 5 year mark without a recurrence, but the fear is still there, every day, though not as much as in the beginning. The further out from your diagnosis you get, the more confident you will be that you can beat this.

Everyone expects that now that treatment is over, that you should be happy it's behiind you and just go on with your life like before. They will never understand that everything is different now, even physically. Maybe you should sit down with your family and explain how you are feeling and let them know that you still need more time to heal from what your body has been through. Maybe they can help you out with childcare and things around the house.

You might want to check out www.youngsurvival.org. While this is a fantastic resource, it is good to get information from multiple sources, and you will also be able to find more age specific info and a thriving, positive, welcoming community.

All the best,
Tina