Getting MAJOR anxiety

Julie 44

I am getting anxiety over having chemo. I had a large mass and many lymph nodes removed from my colon on 9/15. I have an appoionment on 10/06 with ongologist to find out my treatment..I'll need Folfox 4 thats all I know for now.. Who's to say that waiting that long to start treatment means the cancer has not spread to other parts..All I can think of is that its spreading like wildfire in me...I tried to get an earlier appointment but nothing was available..Am I being crazy for thinking like this?? I lay awake at night just thinking about that it takes up all of my thoughts. I went back to work just to stop thinking but it has not helped me...Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated...Thanks

taraHK

Keep breathing!
It is very normal to have anxiety at a time like this -- the waiting periods are even harder than the treatment periods, in my opinion. Although you are understandably keen to start chemo, it is probably good that your body has some time to recover and get STRONG again after the surgery. I cannot remember how long a break I had between surgery and chemo but I'm thinking it was about a month (others may pitch in here). Meanwhile, may I gently encourage to actively explore ways of dealing with your anxiety. I don't want to be a "drug pusher" but a mild anti-anxiety medication might be very useful, just to get you through this little patch. I have done that a couple of times (Xanax, just in the evening - my freak out time) -- my doctors have been very supportive, recognizing that is an understandably anxious time. I have also used meditation/relaxatiion tapes/CDs - helpful. Or talking with a counsellor/therapist/good friend. Even moderately strenuous exercise seems to help a bit..

I have been on FOLFOX myself. Althought it has some weird side effects, I managed pretty well on it....

Best of luck to you.

Tara

msccolon

ditto what Tara said
It is completely normal to feel anxious and to imagine rampant advancement of that devil with a C. However, chemo can be tough, and you will need all the strength your body can muster. I wasn't started on chemo for 8 weeks after surgery. Ativan is my savior as are my sisters and friends who are willing to listen when i am in a freak out! Come here often as well, you will find that there are many of us in the same shoes you have to walk in and sometimes commonality can make us feel more normal and more able to cope with what comes along. God be with you.
Mary

CherylHutch

Anxiety
As the others have said, anxiety is pretty darn normal and very common during times like this where you are in a holding pattern. There's actually a reason that you aren't starting chemo right after surgery. Remember that the surgery you had is a pretty major surgery and your body needs to heal on the inside before it gets bombarded with the chemo drugs. You may feel physically ok and that you have healed from the surgery (which is great, it means your body is good at fighting), but you still need to give the insides a time period to heal so that they can deal with the chemo drugs that will be going through your whole system.

As for the fear that the cancer is spreading like wild fire right now... you don't have to think that, although, again, it is a totally normal reaction. When we stop and think, "Oh gee... I DO have cancer in my body... and I want it OUT... NOW!" it makes sense. We've all been there. But in reality, the cancer cells that may be floating about, or have already landed and are starting to take root (and that's just a "what if", it's by no means a definite), they will not grow that fast in the 6-10 weeks you might have between surgery and the start of chemo. As an example, when I was diagnosed and they found the tumour in my sigmoid colon, my surgeon figures that it had been there for 10 or more years. So, when I had the surgery to have it and 18 inches of intestine taken out, as with any surgery where cancer is involved there is the possibility that some cancer cells have escaped and are floating around... some which may die off and others that may find a new home to take root. If there are any of these free floaters wandering around... when you start the chemo, remember that chemo is "systematic"... it goes through your WHOLE system, not just where the tumour was. So it will pretty much kill off any new cancer cells... which is why, when we do start chemo after surgery, they do bombard us with a heavy duty dosage.

So, try to put your anxiety aside. You are in good hands and the wait for the start of chemo is all part of the plan. If they thought it was absolutely necessary for you to start right away and take the risk that your body isn't healed yet, then they would have done that... but they are giving you time to heal, so the best thing you can do is rest, rest, rest and relax... prepare for the next step of the battle

And I'm also a big supporter of anti-anxiety meds if the anxiety just refuses to go away. The anxiety is not doing you any good... and if anything, is undoing the good waiting and healing between surgery and the start of chemo.

Hang in there... all is going according to plan

Huggggggggs,

Cheryl

krystiesq

waiting
Julie-

My mom had surgery in early November last year. She didn't start chemo until the end of December. It's normal to wait and recuperate, get you to fighting weight/shape before your match. The waiting is the hardest part with this disease, for you and for your caretakers. Although, I can say a year into this battle, we welcome the weeks off of chemo. My mom calls it her vacation time. She hasn't had chemo since the end of September and won't start again until mid-November. Her new oncologist said not to worry about the time off. Like Cheryl, my mom had a mass in her sigmoid colon that had been there for years and it was explained that it was a very slow growing tumor. Unfortunatley it had spread so we are using chemical warfare to beat the beast into submission, or remission rather. Hang in there. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other. I'll be sure to pray for you today.

peace.

ldot123

krystiesq said:

waiting
Julie-

My mom had surgery in early November last year. She didn't start chemo until the end of December. It's normal to wait and recuperate, get you to fighting weight/shape before your match. The waiting is the hardest part with this disease, for you and for your caretakers. Although, I can say a year into this battle, we welcome the weeks off of chemo. My mom calls it her vacation time. She hasn't had chemo since the end of September and won't start again until mid-November. Her new oncologist said not to worry about the time off. Like Cheryl, my mom had a mass in her sigmoid colon that had been there for years and it was explained that it was a very slow growing tumor. Unfortunatley it had spread so we are using chemical warfare to beat the beast into submission, or remission rather. Hang in there. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other. I'll be sure to pray for you today.

peace.

The waiting game
Hi,

I agree with everyone here. The waiting is the worst and I, like you, when going through this had all sorts of anxiety. When being diagnosed with cancer your mind goes into overdrive and you go through all the what ifs?? Here is one way to look at it - what if the surgery took all of the cancer out and there were no rogue cells floating around, that you were surgically cured. I know in reality that is impossible to say, that is why you are having chemo. I do agree that it is good to recover from surgery before going the chemo route. Stay strong and believe you will get through this. We are here to listen and to help where we can. Cheers, Lance

2bhealed

Visualize
Hi Julie,

It may be helpful to focus your energy on telling the cancer cells to vacate the premises effective immediately and visualize you being completely cancer free rather than the other way around.

There is a mind/body connection that is very strong and this would be a good time to tap into that positive outlook.

I understand the anxiety. I opted to not do any chemo for my Stage III sigmoid colon cancer. The chemo scared me more than the cancer.

I have remained cancer free for 7 years with no recurrences. Focus on being cancer free! (side note: I chose a different non-toxic healing protocol called chema--I didn't do nothing for the cancer-- I actually did a ton--just not chemo, just so you know)

You are not crazy one bit. Cancer is insane but you are not! We all have to go through the darkness at some point and wrestle with our deepest fears, but the important thing is to not stay there. I think it's pretty natural also at this time to plan our funerals, but visualize yourself as a little old lady. :-)

So stop that wildfire in its tracks and think of health and beauty--not death and destruction.

by the way, my surgeon told me to go home and heal before talking to my oncologist. I waited for a month before seeing him again.

Hope this helps. I wish you all the best.

peace, emily

Julie 44

2bhealed said:

Visualize
Hi Julie,

It may be helpful to focus your energy on telling the cancer cells to vacate the premises effective immediately and visualize you being completely cancer free rather than the other way around.

There is a mind/body connection that is very strong and this would be a good time to tap into that positive outlook.

I understand the anxiety. I opted to not do any chemo for my Stage III sigmoid colon cancer. The chemo scared me more than the cancer.

I have remained cancer free for 7 years with no recurrences. Focus on being cancer free! (side note: I chose a different non-toxic healing protocol called chema--I didn't do nothing for the cancer-- I actually did a ton--just not chemo, just so you know)

You are not crazy one bit. Cancer is insane but you are not! We all have to go through the darkness at some point and wrestle with our deepest fears, but the important thing is to not stay there. I think it's pretty natural also at this time to plan our funerals, but visualize yourself as a little old lady. :-)

So stop that wildfire in its tracks and think of health and beauty--not death and destruction.

by the way, my surgeon told me to go home and heal before talking to my oncologist. I waited for a month before seeing him again.

Hope this helps. I wish you all the best.

peace, emily

Thanks Everyone
Thanks to all of you for replying it does help alot to know its normal to feel this way. I am keeping busy and I am going to the doctor on Wed. for meds then on Thursday to the ongoligist for a consult to start chemo..ugghh Thanks again hugs to all

dixchi

Guided Imagery
No one, I don't think, could experience anxiety quite like I have in the past months.
Wow! I have had such a fortunate life; excellent health until the beast came along,so
dealing with a major disease like this can really slam you into the pits. Sometimes,
I believe, if we have some upsets along life's way periodically, maybe it steels us for
the bigger ones, so I have been a tenderfoot along this trail. What has helped me a lot
is a guided imagery group I attend weekly and also do them on my own. It is a form of
meditation. Also Tai Chi or Yoga is helpful. Connecting the mind, body and spirit is
so important; it helps with the immune system and also gives me inner peace. That's
not to say all the anxiety has disappeared, but it is has been much much less.

KathiM

I can pass the baton....
WOW! All of you have made such excellent points!

When I first came to this site, we were a relatively small group of posters, VERY tight, (that's partly where the semi-colons came from..lol), and WAY behind the # of posts on the breast cancer board....

Over the years, we have gained in number. Sort of a bitter/sweet thing...more people come here to give and get support, but more people are 'eligible' to come here with this beast! But I am smiling that you all are here!

The other striking thing is that I cannot 'help' as much with treatment advice as in the past. The reason? The treatment has changed, all the way down to (FINALLY!) testing the tumor's genetics to make sure that we survivors are not put thru discomfort without a reason. When I was treated, there was a standard Oxcilliplatin/5FU mix with rads and surgery. If that didn't work, well, Avastin was a 'new and exciting' breakthru.

Of all of this, the only thing that hasn't changed is the human/emotional component. We all learn patience, sadly, by sitting at home for results, waiting, sitting in chemo, waiting, sitting in doctor's offices, waiting. The comfort to me was that if the waiting got to be too much, I could rely on my 'people' to call and start questioning. When I would call, I would be polite but firm, sharing my nervousness, and asking the questions. I didn't 'beat up' my treatment team (including my insurance, lol) unless absolutely necessary. I also ALWAYS (and, to this day) carried a 'find the word' book in my purse. It REALLY helped when sitting...sometimes hours....and, well, waiting! One time, I actually said "No, wait a minute, I MUST find this word!" to my rads tech....lol!

This long winded thing comes down to what all have said so well. This is part of the run...waiting...colorectal cancer, most times, is VERY slow growing, and after removing the tumor, it is slow still to establish a beachhead somewhere else.

Stressing out only makes more trouble. I always scold myself that that is how I got cancer in the first place. Colorectal cancer is tied to stress, which changes your bowel habits, etc...every time I stress I take a deep breath, and say to myself "I do NOT want cancer back, so I will STOP stressing!".

So, I pass the baton to all of these VERY capable 'newbies'. You guys are AWESOME!!!!

Hugs, Kathi