Rethinking life

trisharom

Since becoming diagnosed with breast cancer (week of May 5,08), going through skin-sparing mastectomy with reconstruction, (8-4-08) I feel like the cancer took more then my breast. I find myself rethinking my life. Have I done everything, or is there more. I feel confused, fear, not at peace. I should be, and I'm thankful, I didn't need chemo, or radiation. Currently take Tamoxifen. I still need another procedure to finish the reconstruction. Then tattooing. I'm not the happy content person, that I was. Just wondering if someone out there feels the same, or has felt this way.

ohilly

yes, I feel the same way
Yes, I feel the same way. I was diagnosed in January, had a mastectomy with immediate reconstruction and then chemo. THEN I found out I was BRCA 1 and had a preventive mastectomy with immediate reconstruction on the other side. I still have to have the tattooing for both breasts.

I was never happy go lucky (I'm kind of a negative, worry-type person), but now I find myself unsure of what the future will hold and always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I try to push the thoughts out of my mind, but it's hard. The cancer may come back, but there's nothing else I can do. To make matters worse, at the end of May my mother, who had previously been perfectly healthy, suddenly developed lung cancer and died on Sept. 10. Three years before that my father's cancer, which had been chronic for 30 years, suddenly changed into a more aggressive form and he was gone in two months.

Yes, life is very uncertain, but what can we do? I guess we just have to go on the best we can. You're in my prayers. Ohilly

CatheS

I am coming out the other side after 3 years of hell
and yes, I am forever changed, in both good and bad ways. I have my darker moments, but I also have lovely joy filled emotionally grateful ones, too. It is a new life I've been handed - I have to try it out to get "comfortable and familiar" with it. Thankfully after three years, two dx's and six surgeries, I am getting out of the hospital life I have been leading into a new one I am creating. Write often, talk to other survivors, and relax. Hugs, CatheS

chenheart

((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
You are just part of the "new normal", and it does take some getting used to, doesn't it? And, as you are a recent member of this club, I dare say you are not giving yourself enough time to adjust, even if you are one of the lucky ones needing no chemo or rads! It is still a smack in the face as far as mortality is concerned.

I used to vacillate between "go for the gusto", and "what's the point". As I got further from diagnosis and treatment, I found my life being filled more with gusto than despair. I do have life to live, and friends to connect with, and Thanksgiving dinner to cook, and books to read, and yes, laundry to do, etc etc etc. I imagine you do too!!!

The difference between getting creamed by the proverbial bus or being tapped on the shoulder by Cancer is just that~ we now have knowledge of the fragility of it all. So~ trust us that it does even out, and that life is really, really, really worth it!

If you find yourself not being able to shake the negativity~ please avail yourself of anti-depressants and/or counseling. We in here have been dealt quite a blow, so there is no shame in needing outside help to get us back on solid ground, emotionally speaking.

Keep posting~ we are in your corner rooting for you, sister!

Hugs,
Claudia

KathiM

You wouldn't be normal otherwise....
Yeah, cancer (or any life-threatening illness for that matter) has a way of messing with your mind as well as your body. You were under terrorist attack. And now, well, cancer has robbed you of the trust you had in the well being of your body.

It DOES get better, over time. You regain faith that there IS a tomorrow...and you will be in it! The effects will ride with you for the rest of your life, but folding them into the happy moments, and really appreciating every day, in every way, is your goal.

I am 3 years out on the breast cancer, almost 4 on the rectal cancer. My life is different, and there is no way I can return to my old self...but I consider my 'new and improved' self to be great, also. So, hang in there, dearheart...think about going to a counsellor who specializes in cancer patients...I did, early after my treatment, and I really think it helped.

BIG hugs, Kathi

dorothyt

I feel the same way. I was
I feel the same way. I was diagnosed on May 25, 2008. Had the mastectomy in June. Did not have to have chemo or radiation I'm taking Arimidex. I'm not getting the reconstruction. I haven't got measured for my bras. I just feel lost. I do thank God for helping me get though this one day at a time.

Eil4186

Trish, I feel very similar
Trish, I feel very similar as you and Ohilly. Its been 2 and 1/2 yrs since my diagnosis and I still worry about my cancer coming back and feel afraid. I know what you mean about feeling lost. Its like we are given a second chance, but not sure what to do with it. I feel anxious because my cancer made me realize that life is painfully short. This makes me feel nervous. Before the cancer I was more carefree and never thought about death---I feel that the threat of cancer and death follows me around now.

With that said though,the passage of time does help a bit. I think though that all this is part of our new life as cancer survivors. Hang in there, I will be thinking of you. Eil

Joycelouise

Yes, I feel the same way
Yes, I feel the same way sometimes. I feel a lot of things. I am almost worn out from all the feeling I have been doing. I haven't got answers, but I will say, now a year from DX, it is getting easier. I don't know if I am more trusting, or just tired of worrying but it just isn't on my mind as much. I am glad you came here and glad that you posted. It is always good for us to feel connected because...we are! I don't think I have ever seen a post that left me thinking...I don't understand what that writer is going through. Love, Joyce

BOWMAN57

Trish, cancer invades every
Trish, cancer invades every aspect of your life. I was diagnosed May of 07 and have done the chemo, surgery, and radiation bit. It took an entire year out of what I then considered a normal life. Arimidex is my cross for the next 5 years. Anger, fear and dread seemed to be my "normal" for so long. The uncertainty of the future was on my mind 24/7. As some of the others have suggested, time helps with a lot of the physical and emotional issues. But the "light" for me was the realization that tomorrow I could be hit by a bus and then breast cancer wouldn't matter any more. With time, each day became another gift and a chance to do something important; wheither it be family, friends or just a walk in the woods alone. I am not the person I was before. I'm stronger, smarter, a more caring and loving person. I know things about myself that I never realized before cancer. So many think they know what we go through, but we all know something they don't. We know what it's like to have looked death in the face and just said "no". Some things I'm still working on but others make me realize I like myself even more. I can't control wheither cancer comes back or not, but I can't sit around and wait on it. I have things to do!! You'll be a happy content person again, but it will be different because you have slain the dragon and most others have only watched.

trisharom

ohilly said:

yes, I feel the same way
Yes, I feel the same way. I was diagnosed in January, had a mastectomy with immediate reconstruction and then chemo. THEN I found out I was BRCA 1 and had a preventive mastectomy with immediate reconstruction on the other side. I still have to have the tattooing for both breasts.

I was never happy go lucky (I'm kind of a negative, worry-type person), but now I find myself unsure of what the future will hold and always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I try to push the thoughts out of my mind, but it's hard. The cancer may come back, but there's nothing else I can do. To make matters worse, at the end of May my mother, who had previously been perfectly healthy, suddenly developed lung cancer and died on Sept. 10. Three years before that my father's cancer, which had been chronic for 30 years, suddenly changed into a more aggressive form and he was gone in two months.

Yes, life is very uncertain, but what can we do? I guess we just have to go on the best we can. You're in my prayers. Ohilly

Thank You
Dear ohilly, I thank you for replying to me. Sorry to hear you went through the same, but more. But on the other hand thankful that your here for me. Sorry about your parents, I can see how you would feel so unsure also. I pray that your content with your reconstruction, and that all had healed well for you. I have a great support team here, has I'm sure your aware of. You included! It's so wonderful the replys I have received. I don't know what BRCA 1 is though. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers also. Yes, life is very uncertain, we can thou support one another. trisharom

trisharom

CatheS said:

I am coming out the other side after 3 years of hell
and yes, I am forever changed, in both good and bad ways. I have my darker moments, but I also have lovely joy filled emotionally grateful ones, too. It is a new life I've been handed - I have to try it out to get "comfortable and familiar" with it. Thankfully after three years, two dx's and six surgeries, I am getting out of the hospital life I have been leading into a new one I am creating. Write often, talk to other survivors, and relax. Hugs, CatheS

Thank You
Dear CatheS, Thank you for replying back. Sorry to hear though, what you've gone through. But thankful that you and others are here to support me. It sure is something to see that you went through so much, but yet, that you are excited to be leading, and creating a new life. May I also realize through you and others, that I to may feel the same, just need to give it time. Reading what you wrote, I can really relate to, sure feels what you have gone through in the beginning, is what I also feel. trisharom

horsegal

reading down through these comments was very comforting - so many things hit home. I am almost two years from my diagnosis now. I looked at the whole process of chemo, surgery and radiation as a big pain-in-the-rear bump in the road that I would get over, and get on with my life. I was looking forward to '08 being a new beginning for me since I finished my last day of treatment on 12/31/07. I found that I am more apprehensive though, now that treatment is over with. It's very hard for me sometimes when I'm watching my boys playing and I can't help but wonder if I'll be around to see them grow up. I try to stay positive, but the fear creeps in on occasion. When I'm feeling down, I say a little prayer for peace and try to get my mind on something that makes me smile. I find myself appreciating the little things more. I was standing on my porch the other day and just closed my eyes and 'felt' the wind on my face, and it felt so good. I figure if I'm going to get short changed in the life department, I want to make me, the best me I can be. I find I have more patience and understanding for my boys and a deeper appreciation for my husband. I recently read something I'm going to try - maybe you would like to try it too. Fill your bathroom wall with colorful sticky notes, with positive phrases like "I am beautiful", "I am worthy of happiness", "I'm alive" - and repeat them daily. And laugh as often as you can! Best wishes and keep your chin up!

dbs1673

horsegal said:

reading down through these comments was very comforting - so many things hit home. I am almost two years from my diagnosis now. I looked at the whole process of chemo, surgery and radiation as a big pain-in-the-rear bump in the road that I would get over, and get on with my life. I was looking forward to '08 being a new beginning for me since I finished my last day of treatment on 12/31/07. I found that I am more apprehensive though, now that treatment is over with. It's very hard for me sometimes when I'm watching my boys playing and I can't help but wonder if I'll be around to see them grow up. I try to stay positive, but the fear creeps in on occasion. When I'm feeling down, I say a little prayer for peace and try to get my mind on something that makes me smile. I find myself appreciating the little things more. I was standing on my porch the other day and just closed my eyes and 'felt' the wind on my face, and it felt so good. I figure if I'm going to get short changed in the life department, I want to make me, the best me I can be. I find I have more patience and understanding for my boys and a deeper appreciation for my husband. I recently read something I'm going to try - maybe you would like to try it too. Fill your bathroom wall with colorful sticky notes, with positive phrases like "I am beautiful", "I am worthy of happiness", "I'm alive" - and repeat them daily. And laugh as often as you can! Best wishes and keep your chin up!

Yup
I, too am reading all these posts and just keep thinking yes, yes, that's me, too. The positive and the negative thoughts can cross over themselves so quickly that sometimes I just feel plain empty. I would not have described myself as a negative person before my diagnosis in May. I had a double mas in June with reconstruction and just finished radiation 2 weeks ago. I know that before BC I would have described myself as positive, and very appreciative of even the small things. When people say, "Oh, I bet you really appreciate life more now" that is hard and sometimes hurtful. I am changed but perhaps it is more that I have validated more things in my life. My pace has slowed down, sometimes because of my lack of energy, other times because I choose to. I knew I attempted to control too much before all this, now I am more accepting at surrendering/delegating. I believed we are/can be connected now I have felt the frailty of the thread. As has been said so many times on this site, this is a journey that none of us would have picked but the people we have met along the way have been true gifts. This site and all of you who respond are among my gifts. thanks!