Not sure where to turn to

JaneM22

Hi. My husband was diagnosed with metastisized sarcoma last year. He is 33 years old. This has definately been a roller coaster of emotions. Just when we think things are going well, we are hit with bad news again. He has undergone two different types of chemo treatment(6 rounds of the first type and three of the second)with some positive results. Again we thought things were going in the right direction, but just within the last few days we have had some setbacks. I am not sure where to turn to. Because he is relatively young, there are not a lot of resources that I have found. Most groups are more for the elderly or the very young. It is just a very lonely and scary feeling right now. I have the support of my parents and his, but still feel like everyone looks to me to be strong and while I try my best, sometimes it is just impossible to keep positive.

slickwilly

Hi Jane
Jane. I am sorry about your husband. From what I have seen the vast majority of people on this sight are very caring individuals. And they range from all ages and walks of life. As a male in a rural area all I could find was breast cancer support groups. So I understand how it feels with no local resources to lean on. I doubt there are very few people that just fly through treatments without setbacks. Let alone the side effects or damage caused by the cancer or treatments. Keeping positive is hard for the caregiver and patient. And its a real big load to take on when everyone is looking to you. I found support in talking to other cancer patients inside my age range that lived in my area. It was just two people sitting down and talking about side effects, treatments and life. And the wives could talk about how terrible we could be on pain drugs. It was amazing to find so many things in common and we didn't feel so alone. Sometimes you need to take time for yourself. Its nothing to feel guilty about as you need to maintain your mental health or your no good to your husband. Even a walk in a park or on the beach can help. A friend that you trust and can dump on is a great thing. And I don't accept age as an issue as I was 48 and dumping my problems on a 28 year old woman. She is now a nurse. But she could be trusted and was outside the family. And my wife understood. Sometimes family is too close to the situation and we don't want to scare them or add more stress to the situation. God Bless you and your husband and I hope things get better. Slickwilly

murielh

Ages
Hi Jane,

I was 20 when I was diagnosed with nodular melanoma, and agree that most support is directed towards the elderly or pediatric sector. There just aren't too many cases of healthy 20/30-year-olds contracting cancer, I guess.

It is very difficult to be strong in such times, and I'm sure he feels that you are the one to turn to. That's how I felt with my husband. We had our quarrels too, where he just didn't understand what I was going through or feeling or wanting. But, know that you can falter; I don't think it's possible to remain positive all of the time and I'm sure he understands.

As for others who look to you, I would ignore them to my best ability. Not in a rude way, but the fact that you are there to support your husband, not them. Certain energies just aren't right for caregivers and patients.

By the way, journaling usually helps, it did for me anyway.

terato

I was diagnosed with metastatic testicular cancer when I was 28.
Jane,

Unfortunately, we guys are reluctant to seek help, being afraid to acknowledge when we can't cope with things. Often, our fear expresses itself as anger with those closest to us. It is really hard not to take this personally, especially when this is the guy for whom you vowed your life "in sickness and in health". But, you need opportunities to express your feelings to protect your own emotional well-being or you may grow to resent him, hurting your marriage. If there are no spousal support groups in your community, you might just get together with trusted girlfriends over a glass of wine and just talk candidly, not asking for advice, but just talk and cry, if you need to. Your friends will understand.

If you husband has a brother or best friend, discretely ask him to visit privately with your husband so that he can talk out his feelings with another dude. If your husband is able to have a beer, so much the better, it will loosen him up.

Cancer was the catalyst to the end of my marriage because of a mutual calcification of the spirit. I pray that you and your husband don't follow our path.

Love and Courage!

Rick