In the pits!!!

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mgm42
mgm42 Member Posts: 491 Member
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
I should be happy. My breast cancer was stage 1, I'm finished with chemo and radiation. I'm healed and my energy is back. Great! WRONG! For some reason, all of a sudden, I'm crying. When I try to figure out why I'm crying, I can't. All I know is that I'm miserable and the tears just keep coming. I saw my surgeon and my radiation oncologist this past Monday. They said everything was great - see you in 3 months. So, why am I in the pits? If anyone can shed some light, please help. Marilynn

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  • seof
    seof Member Posts: 819 Member
    #2
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    I have read other posts
    I have read other posts similar to yours, I think your experience is not uncommon. I have not had the experience myself (yet). I think part of it may be a form of "let down"...you have been working so hard to get all your treatments done, and have been fighting so hard on all that. Now that that's all over, you may need time to adjust to the cancer-free you. I had a day of crying before we went to the Dr. last time, when I got him to tell me for sure whether I can say I am "cancer free" (that's not to imply a guarantee about the future, just a statement about the present). You had to get used to the idea of having cancer, now you have to get used to the idea of not having it...not going to the Dr. every week, not going to treatments, etc.

    I may be wrong, but that's my 2 cents worth.

    This too shall pass, seof
  • jagged
    jagged Member Posts: 55
    #3
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    pits
    Couple of thoughts here:

    1) Post tamatic stress?

    2) While you are going through this, everything is about you. When it stops, wellllll. You just come to miss all the fuss about you.

    My girlfriend and I had a bit of each. It is normal and a good cry helps.

    --jag
  • Joycelouise
    Joycelouise Member Posts: 482
    #4
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    hampstersister
    Marilyn, You are my sweetheart that seems to follow my path by a few weeks. So, let me say, yes indeed! I had a big attack of the blues. I went to a social worker who told me I was depressed and wanted to prescribe. That made me depressed. I am trying to heal myself emotionally without drugs. I thought about why I am feeling the pain of DX all over again. It is because I am healthy all over again. Now I've got something for the beast to go after and I need to build my trust that I can protect myself. But of course, each time I read about a recurrance, read stats, etc. I get sad all over again. We will rebuild, my friend. Feel your emotions. Release them. Keep going ahead. This is another side effect and one we will work through (together as always!). This is one thing that helps me. For today, I am fine. There is no one who can enjoy today anymore than I can. I am not hindered. Niether are you. For today. Soon, when the todays have strung together for longer and longer periods, we will be able to trust more. We just have to let ourselves get there and not panic as we work through this side effect. And if it feels good, join me in saying...It's just so *%#@ unfair that we have to have the blues. Like, this is the prize for getting this far? Nope, this is another bump in the road. And here is a laugh for you. Someone wrote that they were handed the pamphlet "Chemotherapy and You" and they replied, "This is not the pamphlet I want. I want "Chemotherapy and Someone Else!"
    We are on the road together, friend (and you know we have gotten through a lot of tunnels that way). love, Joyce
  • RE
    RE Member Posts: 4,591 Member
    #5
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    sadness
    Hello Marilyn,

    You know I have had the same thing happen and I think it is just all the emotions coming to the top after such a stressful time comes to an end. For me I have always turned to my faith to help pull me back up. It really is a time to rejoice, however it is a scary time as well. Now you find yourself without the safety net of the doctors and all the medications. For me it was fear that it was going to return even though i had been given bone scans, MRI, PET scans and blood work all that came up normal. Trust me time will help you find your joy. You just need to have a moment to let it all out and get adjusted to the survivor you have become. Sending my best to you and lots of hugs too!

    RE
  • zahalene
    zahalene Member Posts: 670
    #6
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    tears
    mgm, don't forget that tears are a part of healing too.
    Your body has stepped up to the plate and done what it had to do to get better, now your emotions need to do the same thing. And tears are the way our emotional system 'cleanses itself'. I am a 22 year survivor and I still cry...but I now recognize those tearful times as times of release and relief.
  • Eil4186
    Eil4186 Member Posts: 949
    #7
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    sadness
    Marilynn, I can so relate to how you are feeling. The day of my 2nd to last chemo infusion, the nurse congratulated me on "graduating". I went home and cried and cried because chemo was ending. I Cried at the drop of a hat during treatment, and for over a year after. In fact, its been more than 2yrs since my diagnosis and I am still struggling with emotions. I think that the diagnosis is such a shock that we do develop post traumatic stress syndrome. During treatment we feel cared for, watched over, and protected. A team of doctors and nurses are taking care of us for months and months. Then suddenly, the visits are farther between, and we are not or it FEELS as though we are not top priority anymore. We may feel as though we are cut loose so to speak. I think this can cause sadness and anxiety. Remember we have suffered a major shock for an extended period. Also, after treatment, we do not feel the same as before and have to adjust to the new normal life we have. I still cry for no obvious reason; sometimes in the car, or when I'm home alone. Sometimes before I fall asleep the tears will come and I just feel sad. Marilynn, I wish I could give you something to do to take the worry and uneasiness away. I am guessing(and hoping) that it just takes time. Try to be patient with yourself and remember that your mind/emotions in addition to your body has been through an awful lot. You are in my prayers, and remember that we are all here for you and each other. Lots of love and hugs, Eileen
  • mgm42
    mgm42 Member Posts: 491 Member
    #8
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    Eil4186 said:

    sadness
    Marilynn, I can so relate to how you are feeling. The day of my 2nd to last chemo infusion, the nurse congratulated me on "graduating". I went home and cried and cried because chemo was ending. I Cried at the drop of a hat during treatment, and for over a year after. In fact, its been more than 2yrs since my diagnosis and I am still struggling with emotions. I think that the diagnosis is such a shock that we do develop post traumatic stress syndrome. During treatment we feel cared for, watched over, and protected. A team of doctors and nurses are taking care of us for months and months. Then suddenly, the visits are farther between, and we are not or it FEELS as though we are not top priority anymore. We may feel as though we are cut loose so to speak. I think this can cause sadness and anxiety. Remember we have suffered a major shock for an extended period. Also, after treatment, we do not feel the same as before and have to adjust to the new normal life we have. I still cry for no obvious reason; sometimes in the car, or when I'm home alone. Sometimes before I fall asleep the tears will come and I just feel sad. Marilynn, I wish I could give you something to do to take the worry and uneasiness away. I am guessing(and hoping) that it just takes time. Try to be patient with yourself and remember that your mind/emotions in addition to your body has been through an awful lot. You are in my prayers, and remember that we are all here for you and each other. Lots of love and hugs, Eileen

    Thank You
    You have hit the nail on the head. You and I are having the same reactions. In addition to my cancer, my 87 year old mom is moving in with us. She's on O2 24/7, and I just lost my dad in May. It's been a very rough several months. I don't know if my tears are from grief over my dad's passing, my mom's moving in or my breast cancer or all three. But, like you, I'm hoping that time will help. At least now I don't feel so much like the Lone Ranger. Thanks a lot. Hugs, Marilynn
  • NorcalJ
    NorcalJ Member Posts: 187
    #9
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    mgm42 said:

    Thank You
    You have hit the nail on the head. You and I are having the same reactions. In addition to my cancer, my 87 year old mom is moving in with us. She's on O2 24/7, and I just lost my dad in May. It's been a very rough several months. I don't know if my tears are from grief over my dad's passing, my mom's moving in or my breast cancer or all three. But, like you, I'm hoping that time will help. At least now I don't feel so much like the Lone Ranger. Thanks a lot. Hugs, Marilynn

    Tears
    Sounds like you have your plate full. Don't forget that now that you're the care giver, you need to take care of YOU too. Take some alone time, or just time to cry---it clears the tear ducts out!

    I've never been a "crier", but now I seem to be Niagra Falls. Doesn't matter what it is---all these great postings definitely rate 1/2 box of kleenex, but it can be the US winning a gold at the Olympics (or losing a medal), and don't even get me started on any cute commercial with kittens and puppies!

    Go with the flow (literally). Crying produces endorphins which is what gives runners their "high" and keeps them going up that last hill to success. So get out your tissues, we're all there with you!
    (((Hugs)))
  • Eil4186
    Eil4186 Member Posts: 949
    #10
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    mgm42 said:

    Thank You
    You have hit the nail on the head. You and I are having the same reactions. In addition to my cancer, my 87 year old mom is moving in with us. She's on O2 24/7, and I just lost my dad in May. It's been a very rough several months. I don't know if my tears are from grief over my dad's passing, my mom's moving in or my breast cancer or all three. But, like you, I'm hoping that time will help. At least now I don't feel so much like the Lone Ranger. Thanks a lot. Hugs, Marilynn

    No wonder!
    Marilynn, Well no wonder you are having a rough time. I am so sorry about your Dad's passing. That alone would be enough to throw you off emotionally but combined with what you have gone through with the breast cancer and now your Mom, its just too much. You must be good to yourself and very patient with your emotions. Is there anyone in the family that can help out with your Mom?
  • Special K
    Special K Member Posts: 4
    #11
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    Eil4186 said:

    No wonder!
    Marilynn, Well no wonder you are having a rough time. I am so sorry about your Dad's passing. That alone would be enough to throw you off emotionally but combined with what you have gone through with the breast cancer and now your Mom, its just too much. You must be good to yourself and very patient with your emotions. Is there anyone in the family that can help out with your Mom?

    ME TOO
    I'm going through the same thing right now. I was diagnosed in May of 2006 - stage 3. I had chemo, a mastectomy (left side) and radiation. I have not had reconstructive surgery - there are so many times I wish I had. I'm on Tamoxifen right now (since November of 2007). I've probably gained 20 lbs. My hair is still really short and curly - my eyebrows are really faint. There are times that I'm okay - then there are times I'm a mess (most times). I'm miserable inside. It's difficult to talk to my friends and family about it - because they remind me of how blessed I am that I'm a SURVIVOR - then I start to feel guilty for feeling sad. I'm still seeing the Oncologist every 3 months - drives me crazy. When I undress - I can hardly look at myself in the mirror. I feel so unattractive.
  • phoenixrising
    phoenixrising Member Posts: 1,508
    #12
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    Is it possible that your hormone therapy could be having an effect on your moods?

    I know it does for me.
    jan
  • Special K
    Special K Member Posts: 4
    #13
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    phoenixrising said:

    Is it possible that your hormone therapy could be having an effect on your moods?

    I know it does for me.
    jan

    not sure - I will talk to my doctor about it next week. Thanks
  • mmontero38
    mmontero38 Member Posts: 1,510
    #14
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    Special K said:

    ME TOO
    I'm going through the same thing right now. I was diagnosed in May of 2006 - stage 3. I had chemo, a mastectomy (left side) and radiation. I have not had reconstructive surgery - there are so many times I wish I had. I'm on Tamoxifen right now (since November of 2007). I've probably gained 20 lbs. My hair is still really short and curly - my eyebrows are really faint. There are times that I'm okay - then there are times I'm a mess (most times). I'm miserable inside. It's difficult to talk to my friends and family about it - because they remind me of how blessed I am that I'm a SURVIVOR - then I start to feel guilty for feeling sad. I'm still seeing the Oncologist every 3 months - drives me crazy. When I undress - I can hardly look at myself in the mirror. I feel so unattractive.

    you too
    Hey Special: Why not look into having reconstruction. After all, like you said you have to look at yourself in the mirror. I am so glad I did. I was miserable until I had my reconstruction. I waited 10 months before having reconstruction and even though I put on a brave front I was really miserable inside. Can't tell you how many times a day I would cry. Now, I have a totally different outlook even though I have gained 25 lbs between the chemo and the Tamoxifen, but when I look at myself in the mirror, I feel like a woman and that is very important to me. Hugs, Lili
  • Special K
    Special K Member Posts: 4
    #15
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    mmontero38 said:

    you too
    Hey Special: Why not look into having reconstruction. After all, like you said you have to look at yourself in the mirror. I am so glad I did. I was miserable until I had my reconstruction. I waited 10 months before having reconstruction and even though I put on a brave front I was really miserable inside. Can't tell you how many times a day I would cry. Now, I have a totally different outlook even though I have gained 25 lbs between the chemo and the Tamoxifen, but when I look at myself in the mirror, I feel like a woman and that is very important to me. Hugs, Lili

    Lili - I'm a blubbering mess right now - thank you for responding. I may really look into reconstructive. I've heard good and bad things. I do know of a couple people who's surgery didn't take really good - that scares me. Also, I would have to get a "lift" of my right breast so that it matches the left - that scares me. I feel like such a freak. Thank you for being there - it means a lot. This is my first time on a discussion board - not sure if I'm doing this right :o)
  • survivor51
    survivor51 Member Posts: 276
    #16
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    Special K said:

    ME TOO
    I'm going through the same thing right now. I was diagnosed in May of 2006 - stage 3. I had chemo, a mastectomy (left side) and radiation. I have not had reconstructive surgery - there are so many times I wish I had. I'm on Tamoxifen right now (since November of 2007). I've probably gained 20 lbs. My hair is still really short and curly - my eyebrows are really faint. There are times that I'm okay - then there are times I'm a mess (most times). I'm miserable inside. It's difficult to talk to my friends and family about it - because they remind me of how blessed I am that I'm a SURVIVOR - then I start to feel guilty for feeling sad. I'm still seeing the Oncologist every 3 months - drives me crazy. When I undress - I can hardly look at myself in the mirror. I feel so unattractive.

    Take the step
    I know exactly how you feel and tired of "remembering". I had my reconstruction and and thrilled with the results. I will have the nipple construction in about 6 weeks and then the tatoo. I'm thrilled and now I look in the mirror and "feel" more like "me". My breast are soft like my "old" ones and my husband was in the shower and said "Honestly, if I didn't know better I'd swear these were the same." My clothes fit better and I am now looking at better bras to add to my drawers. I love the new girls. Angela

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