The end is approaching

kristasplace

Hi everyone! I'm having a hard time tonight. Actually, i've been having a lot more hard nights since i'm ending the chemo run in just one more treatment. I talked to my psychologist about it today, and i couldn't put my finger on the anxiety i'm having. I think i might be cancertutionilized. Like my boyfriends brother who spends 23 hours a day in his bedroom because he's spent most of his adult life in a prison cell, i've been fighting cancer for so long, i think i'm worried about what's going to happen next?

Don't get me wrong...i cannot WAIT for this to end. Maybe i'm worried about all the tests that are coming up next, and the takedown, and the port removal surgery, and the hysterectomy, and the pooping again...

It's weird because i didn't have any of these feelings when i was diagnosed, or when i started all the treatments. Only now that it's ending. Has anyone else had such apprehension? Are we like people who've been institutionalized most of their lives? Since cancer has been such a huge part of our lives for so long, how do we return to any degree of normalcy?

I live day by day, and make the most of each day the best i can. I have HUGE plans for my future after cancer. I have more ambition than i've ever had in my life, and i was studying to be a veterinarian before i got sick! Maybe that's what i'm worried about; that cancer will come back and spoil all of my plans?

I don't know. If anyone else has felt like this, please share. I would love to understand what's going on. The psychologist didn't help much.

Many hugs,
Krista

sladich

krista,

I had those exact feelings. When you are going through treatment you feel you have control or something and when your treatment is over you feel a sense of loss. It's hard to explain. It does get better. Hang in there and only positive thoughts!

Debbie

Limey

Krista, I can only speak for me and how I felt. I have quit chemo four times now and this last time I do not have any other options. the first time i stopped chemo, I was so stressed out over the cancer coming back and me dying. it was a really crappy way to live

for me, I lost my blankey. when i did chemo, no matter how crappy i felt and no matter how sick it made me, it offered hope for an unknown. When I stopped the chemo, it was all up to me and I was really afraid it would come back. In my case it did come back. Im many cases on this board, it does not come back.

what helped me the most was when I took a more active role in my journey. I looked for alternative treatments, made decisions regarding what vitaminns I would or would not take and I gave myself choices with the kind of food I would eat. for me, this helped me relax and accept my situation.

I hope you can overcome your feelings. No matter if we have a long lifetime or just a few months to live, It is far better to be in control and making choices about how you will feel today, when you will be able to smile and when you will feel blue. It is a choice. I can not stop the pain today, but I can walk with my boys, ride on the boat and i can snuggle in my chair with them. so.... that is what I will do.
don't let this beast beat you down. participate in your days. adjust your sail but most important sail your boat and smile
peace to you Krista
Mark

Buzzard

Krista,
I go through the same emotions . I have been through chemo and radiation already and surgery. I am now deciding on whether or not to proceed with post op chemo (6 months) in which im sure I will. My thoughts are this. If you sit back and let your dreams of becoming a vet stall, then 20 years from now when everything for you is fine you will wish you had not waited and went ahead with your dream. If not for dreams what good is life and why go through all the emotion, pain and misery ? You have no decision to make, its all there for you. Take the opportunity to thank all that have allowed you the second chance at life and don't waste your shot by doing the same thing I did, drowning in your sorrows. Enjoy your ordinary days , for that is what its all about now, just simply the ordinary ones, they are most precious, and go out there and become a vet. If it happens to slow you down for a while what have you lost? Nothing. Keep your chin up and just grin at each day you wake up and the sun is shining, it sure works for me.......

chynabear

Buzzard said:

Krista,
I go through the same emotions . I have been through chemo and radiation already and surgery. I am now deciding on whether or not to proceed with post op chemo (6 months) in which im sure I will. My thoughts are this. If you sit back and let your dreams of becoming a vet stall, then 20 years from now when everything for you is fine you will wish you had not waited and went ahead with your dream. If not for dreams what good is life and why go through all the emotion, pain and misery ? You have no decision to make, its all there for you. Take the opportunity to thank all that have allowed you the second chance at life and don't waste your shot by doing the same thing I did, drowning in your sorrows. Enjoy your ordinary days , for that is what its all about now, just simply the ordinary ones, they are most precious, and go out there and become a vet. If it happens to slow you down for a while what have you lost? Nothing. Keep your chin up and just grin at each day you wake up and the sun is shining, it sure works for me.......

Krista,

You are writing nearly the same exact words I wrote 3 1/2 years ago when I stopped chemo. I was ok when I finished chemo... but as soon as real life started getting back together, I crashed. I was a mess. I was always stressed and crying and worried about the cancer coming back.

I realized that for me, doing chemo felt proactive and like I was doing something to keep cancer away. I felt vulnerable after I stopped.

I discovered a few ways to ease my anxiety. First, I found this board and just knowing that others felt the same way made me realize that I wasn't "doomed" just because I was scared... I wasn't having any premonitions as to what was going to happen to me. I pray every time I feel overwhelmed with anxiety. I repeat the prayer until I feel at ease again. I felt that if I started taking better care of my health and eating better and excercising, I felt more sure that the cancer wouldn't come back. And I kept in the back of my mind that if it does come back, I will fight hard again.

I pray for you to find peace and tools to help with anxiety. It's not easy.

cjf2006

Whew! At first I thought you meant a different kind of end approaching.

One thing I learned was that I cannot trust my thoughts and feelings when I am on chemo. Sometimes depression/anxiety is caused by mental stress and other mind issues. Othertimes, it is a medical issue. Your body has been poisoned and that poison is intended for your good..to kill cancer. But it puts a great strain on you as well. Once you stop receiving chemo, your body will work to cleanse it out of your system. Eventually it will and you will feel mentally more alert and the zest for living will return. That's the way it has been for me every time I was on a break. While under the "spell" of chemo, I was just in survival mode, just to get through each moment. But once it was somewhat purged, I felt like I was finally waking up and I started to get ideas for living in my head, the way it used to be. Be patient. Once you are couple weeks out from your last chemo treatment, you will hopefully feel normalcy returning.

pamness

Welcome to the end of cancer treatment world, the one I was told about by all of my doctors but was sure I wouldn't be part of, my was I wrong.

The psychological adjustment to being "cut loose" was unbelieveable. I am currently a year after treatment - my anniversary is Sunday. I couldn't believe how hard it was. I have a great therapist, oncologist and primary care doctor. I started talking zoloft for depression and anxiety and worked hard at returning to some sembulance of normailty. I don't think I am quite there yet, but it gets easier and easier.

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. For me things now crop up around scan or CEA time, but I am getting back to normal - my new normal the rest of the time.

Relax, give yourself a break, things won't be the same as before, but they might be better. By the way port removal surgery is a breeze. You will be fine, the anxiety is normal. Don't hesitate to ask for help if you need it.

You might need a new psychologist because any psychologist would recognize this right away as a normal reaction to being tossed back into the real world.

Don't try to ignore your thoughts and feelings, find a professional to help you put them in perspective.

Pam

kristasplace

pamness said:

Welcome to the end of cancer treatment world, the one I was told about by all of my doctors but was sure I wouldn't be part of, my was I wrong.

The psychological adjustment to being "cut loose" was unbelieveable. I am currently a year after treatment - my anniversary is Sunday. I couldn't believe how hard it was. I have a great therapist, oncologist and primary care doctor. I started talking zoloft for depression and anxiety and worked hard at returning to some sembulance of normailty. I don't think I am quite there yet, but it gets easier and easier.

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. For me things now crop up around scan or CEA time, but I am getting back to normal - my new normal the rest of the time.

Relax, give yourself a break, things won't be the same as before, but they might be better. By the way port removal surgery is a breeze. You will be fine, the anxiety is normal. Don't hesitate to ask for help if you need it.

You might need a new psychologist because any psychologist would recognize this right away as a normal reaction to being tossed back into the real world.

Don't try to ignore your thoughts and feelings, find a professional to help you put them in perspective.

Pam

Thank you all, for your replies. After i read the posts, i felt so much better. I just can't believe that i only have one more treatments, then everything will change. You're right, Pam, about my psychologist not being able to recognize the symptoms. She is a new intern, and not experienced at all.

At the moment i just feel drained of all energy having just been unplugged from the pump for the 11th time. Each time gets a little worse.

I'm so sorry this experience never seems to end for Mark. That must be more frustrating than anything. I am trying very hard not to think that it may come back, yet i don't want to set myself up for a devastating blow if it does come back. I will put that out of my mind, and go with the flow.

Thank you all again, and many hugs!
Krista