Am I Winning or Is He Right

hward2007

Me and my husband were talking about my cancer and I just as you know finished 8 wks of Taxol,the last dose was given in a wopper of 3x the normal doese for those weeks I didn't come in, before that 4 rounds of A/C which were complete hell, well during that my Husband was in shock...Also I must add I am in the middle of reconstruction. Ok here it is ever since my dx my husband has been distant moody and realitivly pissy, thinks I married him for his insurance so my cancer bills and reconstruction would be paid for by his insurance since at the time I did not work. I am tring to hang in there and I do love him, but each day with each hateful remark about the floor, the house being a mess, visiting a friend,fyi as I go through the list you find at different times he hates each one for different reason. Now I am down to one internet friend, "He just deceided i am running up the bill on the cell phone so even my time spent her is now limited" I can agree with some things like he works hard long hours, pays all the bills and as he would put it, litterly puts a roof over mine and my kids head so I should be greatful instead of bitich. During ac I did **** when I could lift my head but not every time. I am his second marrage he is my first and his first lasted less than six months. We are both 33yrs, my daughter is 17mths. I feel like every thing that comes out of his mouth from telling me "I am not going out side past 10:30pm to you aren't leaving the house today, it not in question form, is a direct attack on me and a personal problem he might need to over come, I got my own share of problems just trying to live but lately I don't think he gives a rats butt" I will tell more later, I know this isn't really a cancer question but has cancer interfered with anyone elses marrage and how did they handle it?
Heather

jmerel

Heather,
That's really unfortunate. I'm single so I can't identify 100%. I guess he can't really handle his feelings about your cancer. I hope it gets better. My thoughts are with you.

Texylin

Hi Heather, It seems like you're having a pretty tough time of it rite now. Were you diagnosed with BC before or after you were married? Yes, cancer can have an bad effect on a husband, but it kind of sounds like your husband might be dealing with some control issues. Like cutting you off from all your friends and when you can come and go. Do you have any family close by that can help you? Or that you can talk to? Rite now you need all the support you can get, and him cutting you off from everyone is not the way to do it. I don't want to overstep my bounds, but what you are describing is the beginning signs of an abusive husband. If I'm wrong, I'm sorry, but I don't think I would feel right if I didn't say it. You need to talk to someone about what's going on. If you need anything, you can email me thru this site. You'll be in my prayers.
Hugs, Linda

Unknown

hward, I lost my husband to cancer....I got cancer and he got lost. But to be fair to him, he did stay through the first 2 diagnoses, leaving me 6 months before my 3rd diagnosis and not coming back when he learned I had cancer again....when I could have REALLY used some close support.
Ok, enough about me. My point is that when I told my onco my hubby had left, he said, "I see that happen so often." If cancer can't do a number on a marriage, I don't know what can.
You guys need professional help. Big time. I agree with the supposition that your hubby's behavior may be a form of abuse. If it isn't today, it will likely be by tomorrow. Don't let it go that far before you either get help or get out. You are fighting for the survival of your body, mind, and spirit. Do whatever you must to protect yourself.

base61ball

I agree 100% that your situation may be headed in the wrong direction. Please get counseling or talk to someone right away. Especially your family - do not let him cut you off from them. There are other means to pay the bills if you are forced to leave - please don't stay for insurance purposes. You need the love and support of people to get you through this. I am here to listen. Hugs to you.

cabbott

My heart goes out to you. Cancer is stressful for both survivors and caretakers. We don't know how we will respond to stress until it happens and there is such a sharp learning curve. Not everybody is born knowing how to handle it, certainly not me. MANY marriages crumble under the stress of cancer, but not all of them. It is so common that the nurse and surgeon at my clinic brought it up during one of my scheduled visits. It was on their little checklist along with the breast check to monitor. The little you have said indicates problems. He wants things back to "normal". Don't we all! But controlling you, limiting your social support system, and getting mean about it isn't working for either of you. If you can get both of you to a marriage counselor, great. If not, go by yourself. If he is safe to stay with, use the counseling to determine how to get your needs for support met given his limitations and needs for support. I don't say that in a mean way against him. We all have limitations and it works better to just accept folks the way they are than to butt our heads against a concrete wall trying to change them when they don't want to change. We also all have needs for support (physical and emotional). Caretakers, even 30 year old grown men, need support and want to be taken care of too. If he is not safe to be with, you need the counseling even more. If you two can learn to weather the incredible stresses of cancer, your marriage will be stronger than ever. But it's not easy for anyone. Good luck!

seof

I agree with what the others have said. You need to take care of you. Your Dr. may be able to help you find other sources of financial help, or American Cancer Society may be able to. As scary as it is to think of leaving...if you are not safe, get out! If it is not that bad yet, get help before it gets to that point. Take yourself to counselling...if you can, get him to go. Cancer is a beast and survivors and caregivers alike need help dealing with it. He may be scared of losing you, so he is trying to control things the best way he can...but his way is not working for your marriage. Cutting you off from your family and friends is not healthy for either of you. Get help!

You are in our prayers. seof.

hward2007

I wanted to thank all of you for being here and you opions and words of encourgement. We are newly married in Dec. of 2007 my dx came three weeks later in Jan. 2008, After our honey moon in Dec. we lost our first child together, while working on the next we found the cancer. It has been tough and my oncog. warned both of us that most long term marriages don't make it through cancer, I am going to get help and I want him to go with me, he say's he will but then he will change his mind and tell's me if I got my self straght then he wouldn't need to see any body. Most important my 17mth daughter,different dead beat dad, is not in the picture but she loves my husband and his family because it's all she know's, I tell my mom every thing, and I will protect my child to the end what ever that is, why else do we go through this ****. Well Love You Guys, I have to go, I'll post later and keep updating my site.
Heather the Nut

chenheart

Heather, this is not about "winning" or being "right". It is about human reaction and partnership.Especially during times of trouble. In sickness and in health and all of that, you know?

I have found, generally speaking, that men are FIXERS and women are NURTURERS. We women take care of our men, our families, our homes, our children, our jobs outside of the house, AND look drop-deal gorgeous at all times so we can have a fabulous sex life too! (ok, maybe that was a bit over the top, but I think you see my point here, as sarcastic as it may be)

Sadly, many men, when they cannot fix the problem, abdicate. They may distance themselves from us physically, and certainly emotionally.
We on this site of course do not want to "diagnose" your marital woes, but it certainly seems that there may be some anger issues at work here. And, of course, it may be in part, because your husband can't "fix" your cancer. He may be afraid of losing you, and this is his way of dealing with his own fears. I don't know your history with him, of course, and how communicative and trusting you 2 were BEFORE you cancer, but from the outside, it sure seems he has some unfortunatly mean-spirited reactions to your health situation and how it has impacted your married life.

Do not worry unduly about those things which are in your control. Worst case scenario, if you do break up, you can still be covered by his health insurance, for example. I went through a divorce 10 months before I got cancer, and part of my settlement was 4 years of health insurance provided by my husband...I am sure I could have negotiated for more, had I known I was going to get cancer!!

The stress of this is difficult, I know~ especially with you needing to care for yourself and your daughter. But this is what you need to do; get healthy for yourself and your daughter. And hopefully, your husband will reconnect with you as well.

Keep us in the loop; we are here for you as you battle the beast!

hugs,
Claudia

Unknown

I am divorced and remarried. It was not as hard to go through a divorce as it was to go through cancer. So...you know that you are strong enough to do whatever you want to do or need to do. Stay, leave, wait. But always chose from a position of strength. You have proved that to yourself. The other women have all written wiseley and I just wanted to add that. And tell you that I wish you happiness. Love, Joyce