her kids are tired of the cancer

mismom

I know some of you have probabley been thru this and I would like your imput my daughter is a five year ovarian cancer survivor, she is a single mom and still works ...the kids are now 19 and 12...they need to have more compassion and understanding..how do you keep them involved without burdening them

BonnieR

Sometimes kids need to seperate themself from their loved ones cancer. Especially when we deal with it ongoing. I know my children are grown and it hurt at first when they didn't call to see how my Dr appts went or how chemo went. I prayed about it alot and realized they just needed a mom not a mom with cancer. We talk about the cancer sometimes, I have asked them about what they need or want at the celebration service for me when I am gone. But otherwise I ask about their day, their lifes, their children and that is how I came to believe it should be. I am their mom, I want them to remember how much I love them and that I am interested in their life no matter what I am dealing with. Now my children are grown I can only imaging what a 19 and 12 year old are dealing with.

It sounds like they could use someone to talk to. They are probably angry they mom had to get cancer and dealing with the thoughts and fears of losing her. Those fears would shadow over the compassion and understanding they have for their mother.

I will pray for all of you, that God's peace, understanding, compassion, Love and Grace comfort all. Hugs N Prayers Bonnie

saundra

Well, teenagers are all about "ME" anyway. That is normal and compassion is not a strong suit for them. My teenage grandchildren are the same way. I try to use humor as much as possible with them and don't dwell much on the negative. I think they are learning how to handle adversity from me although we don't dwell on it. It is important for everyone to learn that hard times hit everyone at one time or another. Hugs and Prayers, Saundra

mopar

Since I've been through it twice, my children were of varying ages each time. They all reacted differently, and therefore had different degrees of compassion at different times. While I wanted them to know I was 'going to get through this', I think I cheated them somewhat in hiding a lot. I still went to work, was very involved in all their activities, etc., etc. Except for the loss of my hair it would have been hard to tell I had cancer. So if I wanted them to learn how to deal with pain, suffering and adversity, how were they going to do that if I hid my own suffering by 'pushing through' everything? The second time was much harder on me, and because they were older I became more open with them. So, there were times when I had to say, 'I'm sorry honey, I can't do (this or that), etc. They were able to understand it much better this time, and could obviously see what I was going through.

I'll never forget the first time, my youngest daughter was barely 12. We went out shopping and I was wearing my hat. As we came out of the store, it flew off and we had to chase it. She felt so bad she almost cried and asked if I 'was alright'. We ended up laughing about it, but for days after that she kept asking still if I was okay. I realized that there was much she was keeping inside.

Check out a Gilda's House in your area. They are wonderful. You pay nothing, and anyone can walk in - survivor, caregiver, going through cancer, family, friends, and especially children. They have a room just for teens with a TV and activities, people to talk to, and other teens who are going through the same thing. Try to get them involved with things that make your daugther comfortable, like bringing her a glass of ice water, or getting a bubble bath set for her so she can relax before bed, maybe read a little. I think they will only become burdened if they think they are not still important, as Bonnie said. But when they understand their mom's limitations, and that it's just for a time, they can work together to get her AND them through this together and become stronger for it. And tell them that someday they will be inspiration and help to other kids who are going through the same thing. Focus on the positive as much as possible, but they need to know that it's important that their Mom needs help to get through this.

Hope I didn't ramble too much. And I hope all of our advice helps. Please visit us again and update us as to how your daugther is doing and her children.

Luv and Hugs & Prayers!
Monika

lindachris

mopar said:

Since I've been through it twice, my children were of varying ages each time. They all reacted differently, and therefore had different degrees of compassion at different times. While I wanted them to know I was 'going to get through this', I think I cheated them somewhat in hiding a lot. I still went to work, was very involved in all their activities, etc., etc. Except for the loss of my hair it would have been hard to tell I had cancer. So if I wanted them to learn how to deal with pain, suffering and adversity, how were they going to do that if I hid my own suffering by 'pushing through' everything? The second time was much harder on me, and because they were older I became more open with them. So, there were times when I had to say, 'I'm sorry honey, I can't do (this or that), etc. They were able to understand it much better this time, and could obviously see what I was going through.

I'll never forget the first time, my youngest daughter was barely 12. We went out shopping and I was wearing my hat. As we came out of the store, it flew off and we had to chase it. She felt so bad she almost cried and asked if I 'was alright'. We ended up laughing about it, but for days after that she kept asking still if I was okay. I realized that there was much she was keeping inside.

Check out a Gilda's House in your area. They are wonderful. You pay nothing, and anyone can walk in - survivor, caregiver, going through cancer, family, friends, and especially children. They have a room just for teens with a TV and activities, people to talk to, and other teens who are going through the same thing. Try to get them involved with things that make your daugther comfortable, like bringing her a glass of ice water, or getting a bubble bath set for her so she can relax before bed, maybe read a little. I think they will only become burdened if they think they are not still important, as Bonnie said. But when they understand their mom's limitations, and that it's just for a time, they can work together to get her AND them through this together and become stronger for it. And tell them that someday they will be inspiration and help to other kids who are going through the same thing. Focus on the positive as much as possible, but they need to know that it's important that their Mom needs help to get through this.

Hope I didn't ramble too much. And I hope all of our advice helps. Please visit us again and update us as to how your daugther is doing and her children.

Luv and Hugs & Prayers!
Monika

Really well put, Monica. I choked up with your story about the hat.

Helping my kids through my wife's cancer was different than I thought it would be. First I dragged them to a family therapist. "I could have told you that stuff," said my son, who later told us, "I think our family is strong and can get through anything." That doesn't mean they didn't have fear, but your children sometimes (often) are much stronger than you think. My daughter simply requested that she know, clearly and fairly, what's going on. Beyond that, they often process a lot through their friends. That can be a portal for understanding their emotions: "Do you talk to your friends about what your mother is going through?" It's like a safe haven, giving them control. Objectifies it. The toughest part for all of us involved in this is imagining life "without mom," and that fear lops off the new growth in our lives too often. So in some respects you have to tell yourself, "she's still here" or "I'm still here" and that gives you strength to say "I'll be honest with them, not burden them, and we'll work on this together." That's what we have. And help from God in strength and courage.

Chris

mismom

BonnieR said:

Sometimes kids need to seperate themself from their loved ones cancer. Especially when we deal with it ongoing. I know my children are grown and it hurt at first when they didn't call to see how my Dr appts went or how chemo went. I prayed about it alot and realized they just needed a mom not a mom with cancer. We talk about the cancer sometimes, I have asked them about what they need or want at the celebration service for me when I am gone. But otherwise I ask about their day, their lifes, their children and that is how I came to believe it should be. I am their mom, I want them to remember how much I love them and that I am interested in their life no matter what I am dealing with. Now my children are grown I can only imaging what a 19 and 12 year old are dealing with.

It sounds like they could use someone to talk to. They are probably angry they mom had to get cancer and dealing with the thoughts and fears of losing her. Those fears would shadow over the compassion and understanding they have for their mother.

I will pray for all of you, that God's peace, understanding, compassion, Love and Grace comfort all. Hugs N Prayers Bonnie

Thank you and all of you for your answers, and help, and comforting words...I guess I am full of questions right now, after my daughter surviving five years..I got used to the cancer and all it entails..but now that we have run out of options, and her numbers are rising...I don't know how to proceed...so many things we didn't address over the five years of blessings. We are waiting for the government to approve a new protocol..and it is taking sooooo long.