Good Days & Bad Days

1kitty

I come to this site and hear all of the same things that I have felt or said in the past year. Good thoughts and bad thoughts, you are like a family that I have never met before but we have all be in this same place. July 24th, I will be a 1 year breast cancer survior. I have had mixed emotions about breast reconstruction but have not gone that route yet. I'm a nurse (surgical) and sometimes we see and know to much about surgical procedures. Does any one out there feel confused, scared, have crazy emotions that are up and down and tears that just want stop at times? There are days that I feel everything is under control, my hair is back short and curly (never had curly hair) no more treatments as far as I know the cancer was gone when I had the mastectomy and chemo is finish. So why in the world would I still be so emotional at times. I feel like I'm just loosing it at times. Anyone else have this problem and does it go away or get better. I have a very supportive husband and I know God is with me every step of the way. But these emotions are something else at times. It will get better.....RIGHT!!!!!
Patricia

mmontero38

Patricia: You are not the only one that has these mixed emotions. My 1st anniversary was this past June and I still have my moments of loosing it . It does get better and I've had less breakdowns so hang in there. About your reconstruction, they say drs and nurses make the worst patients but by the same token you need to feel confident with the plastic surgeon. I started my reconstruction after my chemo ended and did the tram flap. I'm glad I went that way because I'm very happy with the results. I will be finishing next month. You know what the best decision is for you, I don't know your age but personally I didn't want to go through the rest of my life being lopsided. You have to do what you will feel comfortable with. Keep us posted. Hugs, Lili

24242

I actually believe that the first few years away from the actual treatment phase of our cancer can be the most difficult. I am now over 10 years with survival and have moved well past those feelings you talk about.
I think it is most difficult because we had our minds geared for treatments and once it is done we feel almost an abandonment of the health care systems that were helping us. Too much time on our hands to finally realize all we have faced and been through and having to cope in the real world isn't the easiest of things to do.
I am one of the few it seems who isn't prepared to go through more pain and discomfort so won't consider having reconstructive surgery. If there is anything I have learned from my ordeal is that surgery too comes with a price if you suffer from the side effects posible. I resigned myself to the cancer and have lived on to find my way to a new life and new career. I can only look back and know what I was doing wasn't working hence the cancer and have other ways to live in this world.
Survivor guilt can also play with our minds never allowing us to be truly comfortable in our skins and I found this the most shocking aspect of my survival. The train of life doesn't stop rolling and now we must use every coping skill we have to move on from it.
BEing good to yourself is a good place to start.
Tara

1kitty

mmontero38 said:

Patricia: You are not the only one that has these mixed emotions. My 1st anniversary was this past June and I still have my moments of loosing it . It does get better and I've had less breakdowns so hang in there. About your reconstruction, they say drs and nurses make the worst patients but by the same token you need to feel confident with the plastic surgeon. I started my reconstruction after my chemo ended and did the tram flap. I'm glad I went that way because I'm very happy with the results. I will be finishing next month. You know what the best decision is for you, I don't know your age but personally I didn't want to go through the rest of my life being lopsided. You have to do what you will feel comfortable with. Keep us posted. Hugs, Lili

Lili, Thanks for the fast response, I will be 58 on the 17th of this month. I'm a small breasted person so I'm not to lopsided. When I have my prothesis in and dressed I look very normal. My husband is comfortable with the idea of leaving things just as they are. My doctor did a beautiful job, straight incision, muscle intact and it has healed beautifully. I know that sometimes you can have complications even with the best doctors. We have some great plastic surgical doctors in my area. I feel at times I'm okay but when you are the shower....well that's another story. Did you have many scars when you had your tran flap? Thanks for your support. Have a great day.
Patricia

1kitty

24242 said:

I actually believe that the first few years away from the actual treatment phase of our cancer can be the most difficult. I am now over 10 years with survival and have moved well past those feelings you talk about.
I think it is most difficult because we had our minds geared for treatments and once it is done we feel almost an abandonment of the health care systems that were helping us. Too much time on our hands to finally realize all we have faced and been through and having to cope in the real world isn't the easiest of things to do.
I am one of the few it seems who isn't prepared to go through more pain and discomfort so won't consider having reconstructive surgery. If there is anything I have learned from my ordeal is that surgery too comes with a price if you suffer from the side effects posible. I resigned myself to the cancer and have lived on to find my way to a new life and new career. I can only look back and know what I was doing wasn't working hence the cancer and have other ways to live in this world.
Survivor guilt can also play with our minds never allowing us to be truly comfortable in our skins and I found this the most shocking aspect of my survival. The train of life doesn't stop rolling and now we must use every coping skill we have to move on from it.
BEing good to yourself is a good place to start.
Tara

Tara, Thank-you for your words of kindness. I think I'm afraid to have more surgery, scars and pain as you felt. Yes, maybe the survior guilt as you called it is playing games with my mind. You want to move forward with life but yet afraid to let your guard down for fear that "C" will strike again. This has just been a "BAD DAY" for me, lots of crying...don't know why. You said "BE GOOD TO YOURSELF" maybe that's what I need to focus on and then the emotional ups and downs with tears will leave.
Thanks again.
Patricia

Unknown

Patricia - I will be a one year survivor in October. I could have written your post about feeling up and down.
I remember getting mad at my father sometimes when I was a little girl and the injustice I perceived then is just like I feel now. I am mad, scared, and sometimes feel separated from the rest of the world who gets to have dessert when I have been sent to my room with BC.
But a lot of the time I feel fine. Here is how I look at it. Usually, when someone has a problem, one can say "Keep your problem in perspective and look at the big picure. I feel like I need to do the opposite. I need to look at the little picture again. A lot of people say that C lets you see what is important in life. Okay, after DX and TX I have seen it. Now I want to have back some of the things that are not important. Like living a happy go lucky, even shallow, day.
And I need to trust the world again.
I just wrote these random thought hoping you might recognize a fellow sister and feel less alone. I know reading your post made me feel that way. Want to go shoe shopping? love, Joyce

1kitty

unknown said:

Patricia - I will be a one year survivor in October. I could have written your post about feeling up and down.
I remember getting mad at my father sometimes when I was a little girl and the injustice I perceived then is just like I feel now. I am mad, scared, and sometimes feel separated from the rest of the world who gets to have dessert when I have been sent to my room with BC.
But a lot of the time I feel fine. Here is how I look at it. Usually, when someone has a problem, one can say "Keep your problem in perspective and look at the big picure. I feel like I need to do the opposite. I need to look at the little picture again. A lot of people say that C lets you see what is important in life. Okay, after DX and TX I have seen it. Now I want to have back some of the things that are not important. Like living a happy go lucky, even shallow, day.
And I need to trust the world again.
I just wrote these random thought hoping you might recognize a fellow sister and feel less alone. I know reading your post made me feel that way. Want to go shoe shopping? love, Joyce

Joyce, HOOOORAY for you, almost 1 year. At times it doesn't seem like a year has almost passed but at other times it feels like a life time. I want my normal like back but I have to accept that part of life is gone. Friends and family think it's been long enough and that I need to move on...easier said than done!! I'm the one with the fear inside and struggling for that new life. I do try to be POSITIVE and like so many others on this site have said, "it will get easier". It's so nice to come to this site and vent my feelings or thoughts with others that know what I'm going through. You give me so many words of encouragement that helps so I don't feel so alone. YES, I think going shoe shopping would be GREAT. Thanks for being here for me.
Lots of Hugs
Patricia

mmontero38

1kitty said:

Lili, Thanks for the fast response, I will be 58 on the 17th of this month. I'm a small breasted person so I'm not to lopsided. When I have my prothesis in and dressed I look very normal. My husband is comfortable with the idea of leaving things just as they are. My doctor did a beautiful job, straight incision, muscle intact and it has healed beautifully. I know that sometimes you can have complications even with the best doctors. We have some great plastic surgical doctors in my area. I feel at times I'm okay but when you are the shower....well that's another story. Did you have many scars when you had your tran flap? Thanks for your support. Have a great day.
Patricia

Hey Patricia, I didn't look too bad in a prosthesis, but then again I am a D cup. I was 48 when diagnosed. The problem for me was when I looked at myself in the mirror. My husband who has been very supportive didn't object to any of my decisions, he basically said to do what I felt comfortable with and that he would be with me every step of the way. My surgeon performed a radical so I lost a lot of muscle and was very concave. I didn't think that an implant would work for me so I opted for the tram flap. My surgeon did a beautiful job, my belly incision is perfectly straight and right above my pelvis. The belly button is all healed and the breast is starting to fade already. I have to say that I am lucky in that I heal very well and quickly. I was happy with the outcome. I now go back August 13th to finish the nipple reconstruction. Only you can make the decision and it doesn't have to be right away. I waited until after chemo was over and then took my time until I found the surgeon I was very comfortable with. Take your time in thinking things through and maybe go to a couple of drs for a consult and see how you feel after that. I am sure that being a surgical nurse you must know a lot of good drs. Keep me posted. Hugs Lili

Unknown

Patricia, I can really relate to your roller coaster of emotions. I was never a crier but once I was diagnosed that all changed. During chemo I was crying a few times a day---at the drop of a hat. As time passed it got a little better. It has now been 27 months since my diagnosis and I still cry for no reason but perhaps less frequently. Cancer is no longer the first thing on my mind, but it is still there a little ways back, everyday. You are right when you say that our old life is gone for good and we have to go on and find a new way of thinking and living. Your family thinks its time for you to "be over it" and I know that mine thinks the same for me at over 2 yrs. But they can never understand our perspective. The fear of a recurrence is one that will most likely always be with us, sort of like a persistent ghost. I believe that with the passage of time it will continue to fade(even if it never completely goes away). So, we must hang in there and take good care of ourselves and enjoy each and every day. For me is is comforting to know that I have all of you to chat with and that you understand where I am coming from. If reconstruction could help you feel more like your old self again, then you should go for it, my friend. Life is so very short---do what makes you happy:o) Hugs to you, Eileen

chenheart

With apologies to my online friends who have seen me post this way too many times: This Cancer Beast is a rollercoaster ride of epic proportions. We find ourselves on this ride, with no seatbelt, oil is on the tracks, and its starting to rain! So, you know what we do? We literally hang on to the person next to us, so that we BOTH make it off this ride alive! Battered by the seat, bruised and scared, but whooo-hooo, alive!!!

Take each day as it comes, and be aware and kind to yourself. You can actually be in the best of both worlds; patient and caregiver! Treat yourself as you want all RN's to treat all of the frightened patients...

We are here to cushion your ride, as you cushion ours.

Hugs,
Claudia

Unknown

RIGHT!!! It WILL get better Patricia.
This is no walk in the park you have been on the last year. Your body, mind, as spirit have taken quite a beating. I don't think it is at all surprising that you are still emotional at times. In fact, I think it is normal and HEALTHY. You have to have an escape valve or explode. Find a safe place (like here and just let it all out.
We can handle it...LOL...
God bless.

1kitty

unknown said:

Patricia, I can really relate to your roller coaster of emotions. I was never a crier but once I was diagnosed that all changed. During chemo I was crying a few times a day---at the drop of a hat. As time passed it got a little better. It has now been 27 months since my diagnosis and I still cry for no reason but perhaps less frequently. Cancer is no longer the first thing on my mind, but it is still there a little ways back, everyday. You are right when you say that our old life is gone for good and we have to go on and find a new way of thinking and living. Your family thinks its time for you to "be over it" and I know that mine thinks the same for me at over 2 yrs. But they can never understand our perspective. The fear of a recurrence is one that will most likely always be with us, sort of like a persistent ghost. I believe that with the passage of time it will continue to fade(even if it never completely goes away). So, we must hang in there and take good care of ourselves and enjoy each and every day. For me is is comforting to know that I have all of you to chat with and that you understand where I am coming from. If reconstruction could help you feel more like your old self again, then you should go for it, my friend. Life is so very short---do what makes you happy:o) Hugs to you, Eileen

Eileen, Thank-you for your words of support, yes this has been a roller coaster ride. I was starting to think maybe I was going crazy with my crying from time to time. There are days that I really don't think about "C" and life is good. The days that "C" hits me I just about loose it. I'm so glad that all of you are out there for me and respond back. It really helps, like I've said before you are like a family that I've never met before but yet I fee like I know each and every one of you. I see the same names from time to time. You guys are the best. God Bless all of you.

Patricia

1kitty

chenheart said:

With apologies to my online friends who have seen me post this way too many times: This Cancer Beast is a rollercoaster ride of epic proportions. We find ourselves on this ride, with no seatbelt, oil is on the tracks, and its starting to rain! So, you know what we do? We literally hang on to the person next to us, so that we BOTH make it off this ride alive! Battered by the seat, bruised and scared, but whooo-hooo, alive!!!

Take each day as it comes, and be aware and kind to yourself. You can actually be in the best of both worlds; patient and caregiver! Treat yourself as you want all RN's to treat all of the frightened patients...

We are here to cushion your ride, as you cushion ours.

Hugs,
Claudia

Claudia, What a good way to describe what I feel, your discription actually put a smile on my face. I do feel like I just need to grab someone and hang on for the ride of my life. But it is wonderful to know that all of you are like my cushion.....someone I can converse with on my good days and bad days. Thanks for being here for me. You are the best. Thanks Again

Patricia

1kitty

unknown said:

RIGHT!!! It WILL get better Patricia.
This is no walk in the park you have been on the last year. Your body, mind, as spirit have taken quite a beating. I don't think it is at all surprising that you are still emotional at times. In fact, I think it is normal and HEALTHY. You have to have an escape valve or explode. Find a safe place (like here and just let it all out.
We can handle it...LOL...
God bless.

Thank-you for your kind words and support. This has not been an easy year but come the 24th it will be 1 year. I do feel like at times I will loose it but I have to get myself back in control. Today has been better, the week-end was very emotional and I don't even know what set me off. It's so nice to know that wonderful people like yourself is hear to listen. Thanks Again

Patricia