thank you & caretaker response

krystiesq

I can't say thank you enough for those of you who are willing to share your story with the rest of us. You all know about far more than just drug combos, side effects, etc. You have the street credentials for dealing with life's curve balls and I'm very glad you share so much.

It really eases my mind to read about those of you who are going through or have similar experiences to my mom and this forum gives me a chance to air my concerns, ask questions, lift myself up when I need it, not to mention gets me through the day sometimes because we all have cancer. So thank you, thank you thank you!!!

As a caretaker, I can say that the one being cared for should talk to their caretaker and encourage them to find a balance. Tell them that they don't need to be with you all the time. It was hard, really hard, for me to accept that I could not be there all the time, I could not "fix" everything; I could not keep up with it all while working a full time job and part time job on the side, spending nights and weekends at my mom's running a household and managing mom & dad's family farm's finances (not to mention I got married in May so throw in planning and executing a wedding). Can you tell I love to be busy! It is important to me to be my mom's caretaker and I want to do it. It is the most important gift I've ever received that I am able to show how much I love her. It isn't a job, I'm not a martyr and it feels really great that she can depend on me. I certainly don't want a pat on the back. I don't like when my family members or family friends tell me I'm doing too much. I do it because I want to and acknowledging that is enough.

I love the lyric in Sheryl Crow's song about cancer, "Make it go Away" when she says...was love the illness and disease the cure? I think so, well at least for us it has been. All of the lows I have felt over the past almost a year since her DX, , have been recanted by extraordinary highs. I've learned to love much more deeply and truly simply by being a caretaker. I do not know if I would have had the chance to smooth the bumps in the road in our relationship had this disease not entered the picture. If you are a mother or a daughter, you know exactly what I am talking about, the inability to explain hows and whys of our relationship; we can be each other's worst enemy and biggest fan. If it isn't one thing, it's your mother. If it isn't one thing...it's your daughter. You know what I mean. My husband gave me the biggest compliment I've ever heard. He said to me, "You know, you just don't ever know who will step up and be a leader when something bad happens. It is not always who you think it would be. You are the leader here. From day one when you heard the news that your mom had cancer, you just stepped up and took charge. No one had to think about what should be done, you just knew what needed to be done and you did it and I'm proud of you." Us caretakers do just that, we know what needs to be done and we do it. We don't do it because we have to, we do it because we want to and frankly, we're damn good at it.

kristasplace

I try every day to make it known to my boyfriend how much i appreciate what he does for me. Being the one who is cared for, i find it hard to understand what he must be going through, even though we are going through this together. We are at opposite ends of the situation, and sometimes i feel like i am not grateful enough for him. Some of the things he'll do for me without my asking is change my ileostomy bag. Sometimes i wonder what this must be like for him? I ask him if it bothers him, and i excuse myself for the horrible smell. He tells me it doesn't bother him, and he carries on with it as though it's just a typical, normal thing! When the bag bursts in the middle of the night, he will get up, and clean me up, and do everything necessary to make the experience less painful or embarrassing for me. I love him, and doubt if there is anyone else in the world quite like him.

As for my loving Mother...this experience has brought us very close, and she will rarely miss one of my doctors appointments even though my hospital is miles and miles away from her. I feel so lucky that i have these two very special people in my life, and i'm sure everyone who is being cared for like myself feels the same about their caretaker/loved ones.

Many hugs,
Krista