Jealousy?

chenheart

My sweet Reggie and I went away for the weekend, and among other things, we went to a street fair. I was immediately attracted to the jewelry ( so what else is new??) and went over to see where I could spend money I don't have!
The young artist ( she was in her early 30's for crying out loud!) had beautiful pieces, and I was shocked to find out that she was selling them for next to nothing! Why would she do this??? Because her 50-something Mom is a recent Breast Cancer survivor, and 100% of the proceeds were going to BC research! I bought a lot!

Interesting point~ she said her mom's personality has been altered, that she is angry and critical now, whereas before she was energetic, happy and the proverbial Life of the Party. She is a recent survivor, and I shared that I too, went through these same emotions. Ok Sisters, I know you are all reeling in disbelief at the thought of Moi being anything but gracious, but, I was truly not nice!!! Enough about me! This daughter wants her mom back! I shared with her what I thought the "problem" might be...tell me if you agree.

I know that I hated hearing people complain about every trivial thing under the sun when HEY!!! Look at me~ I survived CANCER! It took me a while, but I finally realized I was jealous of these women who's major complaint was a bad haircut, a whiney child, or a hangnail! I wanted these complaints to be my only concern as well. As soon as I came to that realization, I was almost my old, happy, balanced self again. I suggested that her mom might be experiencing a similar envy, even if she isn't aware of it. Part of the "Why Me" syndrome we think we don't have...

Does this reaction sound familiar to any of you? The young woman's face actually seemed to relax when I told her about me, and she gave me the biggest hug~ as if she could see the light at the end of her mom's tunnel. I sure hope so.

Hugs,
Claudia

Unknown

Yep, Claudia. I have had the same feelings. Here is an example. A teacher I work often talks about his wife. He says she is depressed because her life didn't turn out like she wanted. Why? She wanted a bigger house and complains about it often. I actually told him (yikes!) maybe your wife should think about what she would trade for her all clear mammograms next time she thinks she has it so bad. The only thing that keeps me humble is remembering how I used to get down about trivial stuff, too.
But since we are letting it all out, here is another form my anger took in the "early" days. I would watch TV with my husband and the rule was, anytime a woman came on the screen with breasts or hair, (and most of the TV ladies got both) I could call her a name. He got tired of this game way before I did.
I am sure that you helped this jewelry saleswoman a lot though. Not because you had the perfect cheer up story, but because you were able to speak a true feeling. Sometimes just a little been there done that is the sweetest connection. Once we are through being honest, humor is not far away. Thanks for your honesty and humor here on this board, and for being such a great ambassador.
And what a good reason to buy lots of cool jewelry! love, Joyce

KathiM

Ah! I know this well! Even for (please, forgive me) single-cancer, stage 0 or 1 survivors...lol...MY 'why me' started BIG TIME with my second metastatic cancer diagnosis in less than a year!

The answer is "It is what it is". There are soooo many different people in the world, with soooo many different problems. Perspective is a grand thing...and I know that, to this day, 3 plus years (12/04) after my first diagnosis (with a 6 month time to live clause..lol), I start my nightly prayers with 'Thank you for giving me another day'!

We influence people in remarkable ways. Sometimes it's direct, sometimes it's without our knowledge. It's wonderful, Claudia, that you were able to put a new spin on this gal's problem...and I'm certain she will start HER prayers with 'Thank you for that fantastic lady and her thoughts'!

Hugs, Kathi

Unknown

Well girls, you knew I would hafta put in my two cents worth on this one didn't you?
This month is my 22 year anniversary since my first diagnosis.
When I was diagnosed I thought that was the WORST that could happen, that it should NOT be happening to me (I was such a GOOD girl...lol), that I hurt worse and had to endure more than ANYBODY else who had ever had cancer....yadda yadda.
Know what cured me?
A good old nasty, heartrending, mind-boggling, never-saw-it-coming DIVORCE.
All of a sudden 3 cancer diagnoses in 10 years didn't seem quite so much cause for whining. I mean, now I REALLY had reason to weep.
When we are in the midst of 'it' (cancer, divorce, whatever) we need to react in whatever way our psyches are designed to do...but when we have time and distance (12 years since the late-husband defection) from the initial crisis our perspective often changes radically.
I couldn't be happier as i am now...scars, single-hood and all. Please give yourselves room and permission to be human, whatever stage of the process you are in. And rest assured that you ARE going to grow through and past and beyond all this. And when you celebrate your 22 year anniversary I want to hear your words of wisdom.

mmontero38

Oh boy, didn't we ALL have that reaction? It just takes some of us a little longer to stop and smell the roses and to get over the why me syndrome. Took me all of 2 weeks, takes others a little longer and some it takes a lifetime. Can't let bitter feelings get in the way of living life to its fullest. I am hoping your wise words helped that girl and her mom. I get up every morning and thank God for giving me another day. Hopefully he will deem me worthy of giving me many more days for many more years. Hugs, Lili

kbc4869

Interesting dissucsion point as always, Chen.

After 4 1/2 years, I wish I could say that I'm no longer angry. I wish that I could be more accepting of what happened. But I am still angry. Not all the time. And not that anger is the only thing I feel. I feel grateful, hopeful, proud, sad, helpless, overwhelmed, and scared, too. Sometimes I wonder how there's room in my heart for all these different feelings and moods. And I can go from one to another in a matter of seconds or feel many at the same time. It's exhausting! But I know the anger is emotionally unhealthy and a waste of my time and energy, but I don't know where to put it or how to let it go. It creeps in when I remember how much energy I used to have. Or how fearless and unstopable I used to be. It became more promient after I had a child and started to fear that I wouldn't be around.

I saw a movie a few years ago. I foget the name, but Shirley McLaine was in it, and her daughter was being critical of the way she bottled up everything inside. And Shirley answered her with something like, "If I ever let what I feel out, if I ever opened up my mouth, buildings would explode and crumble." That's how I feel sometimes. I do hope that this is just a phase of the journey and it will subside over time. I really am jealous of the ladies who have reached that accepting, zen-like stage. I hope I join them some day.

Glad you could help the girl, Chen.

Unknown

kbc4869 said:

Interesting dissucsion point as always, Chen.

After 4 1/2 years, I wish I could say that I'm no longer angry. I wish that I could be more accepting of what happened. But I am still angry. Not all the time. And not that anger is the only thing I feel. I feel grateful, hopeful, proud, sad, helpless, overwhelmed, and scared, too. Sometimes I wonder how there's room in my heart for all these different feelings and moods. And I can go from one to another in a matter of seconds or feel many at the same time. It's exhausting! But I know the anger is emotionally unhealthy and a waste of my time and energy, but I don't know where to put it or how to let it go. It creeps in when I remember how much energy I used to have. Or how fearless and unstopable I used to be. It became more promient after I had a child and started to fear that I wouldn't be around.

I saw a movie a few years ago. I foget the name, but Shirley McLaine was in it, and her daughter was being critical of the way she bottled up everything inside. And Shirley answered her with something like, "If I ever let what I feel out, if I ever opened up my mouth, buildings would explode and crumble." That's how I feel sometimes. I do hope that this is just a phase of the journey and it will subside over time. I really am jealous of the ladies who have reached that accepting, zen-like stage. I hope I join them some day.

Glad you could help the girl, Chen.

kbc, I can relate to how you feel. I too have zillions of emotions that were not there before. I too feel afraid and since having cancer, I no longer feel relaxed and carefree. The fear of a recurrence follows me around like a ghost. I now fear death and worry about the other countless diseases that could take my life. Before cancer I enjoyed each day and looked forward to the little joys in life. Now I know too well that any day, at any moment, the next "bad news" could come. Sometimes I feel exhausted by the endless thinking. But I keep trying. Like someone said, some are able to shake these feelings quickly, some slowly and some never do. I am trying to be more positive, and upbeat....some days are better than others. I do know that I will never be the same that I was. I hope that you will find peace and happiness.

Cindy54

Well, where to start. I am usually the most thankful person you could see. I still am. But I'll tell you guys, I get so sick of hearing the trivial complaints about things. I have just learned to walk away. I work with a bunch of women who..and not all of them..but most of them try to outdo each other in one way or another. The pettiness and backstabbing make me ashamed at times to be counted among them, if you know what I mean. We all have our moments. And at times I steam on the inside. It is not so much the why me, I just want to get on with my life. I see so many people around me getting on with theirs that it is so frustrating. I would not call it jealousy in the true sense of the word..I don't want the material things they have. I just would like a life free of doctor visits, appointments, juggling work, remembering to get written slips from the doctors so I can keep my job, juggling bills, telling the same story to the collectors that call every day. I just want a simple, normal life. One where I can get through a day not having to bother without all the things I do now. I am grateful to still be here and I know that there is a reason for all that I have gone through.Things that I don't take for granted, a lot of the people I work with do. That makes things very hard. I zing-zang between wanting to scream at them to just give it a rest to crying a monsoon. I am learning to distance myself from the things that don't really matter to me, that aren't important to my life. I'm not at the best person I can be, but I'm working towards it. Hugs to you all, Cindy

Unknown

kbc4869 said:

Interesting dissucsion point as always, Chen.

After 4 1/2 years, I wish I could say that I'm no longer angry. I wish that I could be more accepting of what happened. But I am still angry. Not all the time. And not that anger is the only thing I feel. I feel grateful, hopeful, proud, sad, helpless, overwhelmed, and scared, too. Sometimes I wonder how there's room in my heart for all these different feelings and moods. And I can go from one to another in a matter of seconds or feel many at the same time. It's exhausting! But I know the anger is emotionally unhealthy and a waste of my time and energy, but I don't know where to put it or how to let it go. It creeps in when I remember how much energy I used to have. Or how fearless and unstopable I used to be. It became more promient after I had a child and started to fear that I wouldn't be around.

I saw a movie a few years ago. I foget the name, but Shirley McLaine was in it, and her daughter was being critical of the way she bottled up everything inside. And Shirley answered her with something like, "If I ever let what I feel out, if I ever opened up my mouth, buildings would explode and crumble." That's how I feel sometimes. I do hope that this is just a phase of the journey and it will subside over time. I really am jealous of the ladies who have reached that accepting, zen-like stage. I hope I join them some day.

Glad you could help the girl, Chen.

Regarding reaching the zen state of others, I heard a good quote today from Nic Sheff (the drug addict son of the guy who wrote "A Beautiful Boy"). Nic Sheff said his problems came from comparing himself on the inside to other people on the outside. I thought about that for a while...

chenheart

kbc4869 said:

Interesting dissucsion point as always, Chen.

After 4 1/2 years, I wish I could say that I'm no longer angry. I wish that I could be more accepting of what happened. But I am still angry. Not all the time. And not that anger is the only thing I feel. I feel grateful, hopeful, proud, sad, helpless, overwhelmed, and scared, too. Sometimes I wonder how there's room in my heart for all these different feelings and moods. And I can go from one to another in a matter of seconds or feel many at the same time. It's exhausting! But I know the anger is emotionally unhealthy and a waste of my time and energy, but I don't know where to put it or how to let it go. It creeps in when I remember how much energy I used to have. Or how fearless and unstopable I used to be. It became more promient after I had a child and started to fear that I wouldn't be around.

I saw a movie a few years ago. I foget the name, but Shirley McLaine was in it, and her daughter was being critical of the way she bottled up everything inside. And Shirley answered her with something like, "If I ever let what I feel out, if I ever opened up my mouth, buildings would explode and crumble." That's how I feel sometimes. I do hope that this is just a phase of the journey and it will subside over time. I really am jealous of the ladies who have reached that accepting, zen-like stage. I hope I join them some day.

Glad you could help the girl, Chen.

Just a thought, Sweet Sister...you so touched a nerve I have been trying so hard to ignore! The Anger Nerve! I have mentioned this in previous posts. When I was first diagnosed, I was SO angry, for myriad reasons. Some justified, most probably not. In the chatroom one evening, I was venting about how angry I was. A wise soul encouraged me not to be angry, but to be strong...that anger is debilitating, and I needed strength to survive. Those words stopped me cold. And six years later, I have adopted that mind-set to the best of my ability. On my emails and even printed on my checks I have the phrase: Be Stronger Than, Not Angry At.

I am not always successfull, but the reminder helps me to put things where they belong, and to try and be strong rather than angry in how my life has turned out. Cancer included.

Again, it doesn't always work, but it sure does help! Sorry to preach~ I just understand the anger.

Hugs,
Claudia

chenheart

kbc4869 said:

Interesting dissucsion point as always, Chen.

After 4 1/2 years, I wish I could say that I'm no longer angry. I wish that I could be more accepting of what happened. But I am still angry. Not all the time. And not that anger is the only thing I feel. I feel grateful, hopeful, proud, sad, helpless, overwhelmed, and scared, too. Sometimes I wonder how there's room in my heart for all these different feelings and moods. And I can go from one to another in a matter of seconds or feel many at the same time. It's exhausting! But I know the anger is emotionally unhealthy and a waste of my time and energy, but I don't know where to put it or how to let it go. It creeps in when I remember how much energy I used to have. Or how fearless and unstopable I used to be. It became more promient after I had a child and started to fear that I wouldn't be around.

I saw a movie a few years ago. I foget the name, but Shirley McLaine was in it, and her daughter was being critical of the way she bottled up everything inside. And Shirley answered her with something like, "If I ever let what I feel out, if I ever opened up my mouth, buildings would explode and crumble." That's how I feel sometimes. I do hope that this is just a phase of the journey and it will subside over time. I really am jealous of the ladies who have reached that accepting, zen-like stage. I hope I join them some day.

Glad you could help the girl, Chen.

Not sure why, but the answer I was writing to you ended up a few posts down....I hope you scroll down to the one I wrote about ANGER.

Hugs as always,
Claudia

Unknown

chenheart said:

Just a thought, Sweet Sister...you so touched a nerve I have been trying so hard to ignore! The Anger Nerve! I have mentioned this in previous posts. When I was first diagnosed, I was SO angry, for myriad reasons. Some justified, most probably not. In the chatroom one evening, I was venting about how angry I was. A wise soul encouraged me not to be angry, but to be strong...that anger is debilitating, and I needed strength to survive. Those words stopped me cold. And six years later, I have adopted that mind-set to the best of my ability. On my emails and even printed on my checks I have the phrase: Be Stronger Than, Not Angry At.

I am not always successfull, but the reminder helps me to put things where they belong, and to try and be strong rather than angry in how my life has turned out. Cancer included.

Again, it doesn't always work, but it sure does help! Sorry to preach~ I just understand the anger.

Hugs,
Claudia

I have heard you say that line before, Claudia, and wanted to write you now to say how much it helps me. Not just with BC, but at work too, both with dealing with coworkers and students. Thanks for the wisdom. Did you pen the words after listening to the philosophy? If so, good job! If not, good job anyway for bringing it to our attention. This was a very interesting post you started. love, Joyce

kbc4869

chenheart said:

Just a thought, Sweet Sister...you so touched a nerve I have been trying so hard to ignore! The Anger Nerve! I have mentioned this in previous posts. When I was first diagnosed, I was SO angry, for myriad reasons. Some justified, most probably not. In the chatroom one evening, I was venting about how angry I was. A wise soul encouraged me not to be angry, but to be strong...that anger is debilitating, and I needed strength to survive. Those words stopped me cold. And six years later, I have adopted that mind-set to the best of my ability. On my emails and even printed on my checks I have the phrase: Be Stronger Than, Not Angry At.

I am not always successfull, but the reminder helps me to put things where they belong, and to try and be strong rather than angry in how my life has turned out. Cancer included.

Again, it doesn't always work, but it sure does help! Sorry to preach~ I just understand the anger.

Hugs,
Claudia

Chen,

I remember when you posted this saying a while back, and have been bouncing it around in my mind ever since. I agree 100% with you. I guess sometimes the anger feels like strength sometimes. You get adrenline, conviction, etc. But the anger (like cancer) creeps into everything it can get its hooks into -- relationships, marriage, work . . . it's just not happy focusing on cancer.

I'm going to write the saying in my daytimer and look at it through out the day when I feel angry. You know, "Baby Steps . . ."

Lots of Love,
Kim