miserable

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oneagleswings
oneagleswings Member Posts: 425 Member
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
Ok everyone (esp Stacy and Ron)...I responded to their(your) posts and when I re-read..they sounded really harsh and were not meant to be...it has been a long road since Peter died on November 25 and I am facing my daughter's graduation and son finshing University,,,and it just makes me realize how alone I am...my son is participating in a "Ride to Conquer Cancer" and their slogan is "conquer cancer in our lifetime"..Stacy has seemed to have done that and I pray nightly for all those on the site that they get to be a miracle!!!!
I wil try in future posts to be more upbeat but some days it is so very very hard to realize I will never see my Peter again..and equally hard to realize that he did not die due to the actual cancer but rather as a result of the treatment for his symptoms..
Bev

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  • tootsie1
    tootsie1 Member Posts: 5,044 Member
    #2
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    Bev,

    Your grief is still very fresh and raw, I'm sure. Don't apologize for not being at your best at this time. We're all praying that you will find comfort in this hard time.

    *hugs* Gail
  • nudgie
    nudgie Member Posts: 1,478 Member
    #3
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    Agree with toostie1. Don't apologize for how you are feeling at this particular time in your life.

    I know Peter is walking beside the Lord as one of his precious Angels
  • StacyGleaso
    StacyGleaso Member Posts: 1,233 Member
    #4
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    Bev,

    You never, ever have to apologize for how you feel. I'll let you in on a little secret....survivor's guilt absolutely SUCKS. As I heard those words from the oncologist, my mind IMMEDIATELY raced to those still active in the battle and those who have gone before us. I kept asking myself in my mind, "Why me?" Why did I land on my feet (for now anyway) when others didn't? Why can't I transfer some of my "status" to those who so desperately need (or needed) it?

    I know I'll probably never have the answer to those questions, but I have a little bit of an idea (and this is a HUGE secret!)....my husband & I are in the process of becoming foster parents and eventually adoptive parents to 3 kids who were beaten by their parents with hammers. These little angels are so young (5, 6, & 7) and we are waiting to get the word that they'll merge with ours (ages 8, 10, & 13) and increase our family size. I feel like they need to know that the world is a good place, not a bad place. So I really want to surround them with love and attention that kids deserve. Yes, we're probably crazy, but coming from a family of 8 kids, I remember how cool it was growing up in a large family. Bigger fun, bigger fights, bigger love.

    So just keep in your mind those precious thoughts of Peter that you have and remind yourself how good it was when you were together. Time will ease things, not erase them.

    Huge hugs,

    Stacy
  • judymike
    judymike Member Posts: 11
    #5
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    Hi Bev... Soooooooooooo sorry to hear about your husband. I'm the one from Ottawa (Canada) going through the same thing. My husband has tried everything since Oct.2005, including full rectum removal with permanent colostomy, then chemo , radiation, then chemo-emboloziation in montreal, then liver resection to remove 60% of liver, then more chemo, sir spheres, then when going for second liver resection, had spread to lungs, so surgery was off. Then more chemo, and then now just finished his 8 week cycle of Erbitux (had to go to the US for this, and Ohip covered), but found out it did not work :( Now he's on the list for clinical trials, but not sure how strong his body is to take anymore. He's lost a lot of weight, has swollen feet / legs and doctor told me alone, that he had only a few months left. How will I know it's near the end?? Scary stuff, with 2 teenage girls, one graduating high school on June 19th, and th other in grade 10. It's been a long journey...
    I understand how your upset and miserable, I'm not sure how I will cope.
  • Fiona1
    Fiona1 Member Posts: 7
    #6
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    Bev,
    You don't have to apologize for your feelings at all. There are so many of us that truly understand how you feel. My husband was diagnosed stage 4 the week before our second child was born last summer. We went from living in heaven to living in hell. Chemo has not made it possible to get his liver resected and now we're off to the States on Wednesday to have an intrahepatic pump put in. We still haven't found out if OHIP will cover it and if not we have to come up with $75,000 by this Friday. (We live near Toronto, Ontario). I am often completely overwhelmed with the thoughts of what lies ahead for us. I know there's nothing I can say. Something I've learned in all of this is that there are many caring people in the world. I'm sure you're children love you dearly and you are all there to support each other. I so often feel guilty that my children feel like a burden at times when I want to be breaking down but I have to change a diaper instead. Keep coming to the message board. I have got a lot of comfort from it. Take care, Fiona.
  • PGLGreg
    PGLGreg Member Posts: 731
    #7
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    Your daughter is about to graduate and your son is finishing University. That's not completely alone. I can imagine being more alone than that.
    -Greg
  • jsabol
    jsabol Member Posts: 1,145 Member
    #8
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    Oh, (((((Bev)))))
    My heart goes out to you. I lost my dad to this disease before my own fight. As painful as that was, it was my mom whose life was forever changed in a way that I did not experience. I think the loss of a spouse leaves such a hole in one's heart. I work with Alzheimer's families, another dread disease, but one with no cure and little treatment right now. Have you considered a widow's support group? or bereavement counseling? Please don't feel like you have to conceal your true feelings on this site; we would be failing you if you did. Continue to cope as best you can, hug your kids, and keep us posted. All the best, Judy
  • ron50
    ron50 Member Posts: 1,723 Member
    #9
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    Hi Bev,
    Not harsh mate ,just honest. My heart goes out to you . I know how much you and peter loved each other and how hard he fought to stay with you. I know how much i grieve for the loss of susan. Every time I see her ,and I see her often,my heart breaks again. I can't understand why she left, yet rings me everyday. I hope time and circumstances will heal your hurt and loss,I share your pain.Love Ron.
  • kmygil
    kmygil Member Posts: 876 Member
    #10
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    Dear Bev,

    Never apologize for your grief. If you do not allow yourself to grieve it will ultimately hurt you. Know that you are in everyone's prayers and that you cannot hurry grief. We love you.
  • Kanort
    Kanort Member Posts: 1,272 Member
    #11
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    Dear Bev,

    I am so sorry for your loss and understand your pain. I agree with Judy's suggestion of involving yourself with a support group. While I was in active treatment, I attended a weekly support group. I met two caregivers who lost their husbands to cancer, and we remain close friends. In fact, we have lunch together every Friday.

    Please know that we are here for you.

    Hugs,

    Kay
  • hopefulone
    hopefulone Member Posts: 1,043 Member
    #12
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    Awww Bev, A very big hug . As others have said, there is no need to apologize...for anything. My heart also goes out to you and your family. You know where I come from , so I wish I had an answer that could give some comfort, but if I'm being really honest, I'm not sure there is one that would comfort me in the same situation.
    Hugs and God Bless you my friend
    Diane
  • dash4
    dash4 Member Posts: 303 Member
    #13
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    Oh Bev,
    I am so sorry for your pain and feelings of loss...I do understand how you can be surrounded by people and still feel so alone. My husband is still fighting his disease, but many times I feel so alone and it is hard to explain to anyone. I pray for your strength and peace to come to you. I know Peter is in a better place, but it must be so hard not to have him with you still. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers every day.
    Mary Kay

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