Does the Fear ever go away?

1kitty

This is my first time on this site, sharing my feelings and thoughts. I thought maybe this would help me if I knew how other people felt. Sometimes you can feel very alone even with friends and family around you. I had a digital mammogram and ultra sound 4/2007. I found a lump in June 2007, 3 surgeries in two weeks of July, last one being a mastectomy(7/24). My lymph nodes were clear. Had only 2 of the 4 chemo's because of severe reactions to drugs. Of course all of my hair fell out but it is growing back curly and different in color. It will soon be my first year as a survior. I still find myself very emotional, cry not as much, just very hard to accept what has happen in my life. I try to be positive but that has its moments. I always wonder will it come back, the dreaded "C" word. My husband is very supportive of all of my decisions. I did not have reconstructive surgery, I figure at 58 why more surgery. Well I hope I have not depressed anyone with my story, I just thought it would help to hear from others.
My prayers are with all of you . WE ARE SURVIORS!!!!

VermontPines

Kitty, This is my first time here also. I had my breast cancer surgery in 2005 and, like you, cried for odd reasons for the first year. But slowly, I found I had more and more days when I didn't think about it for hours, then a full day. Silly things trigger it, but the fear is no longer a potent force. It's lost a lot of its energy, if that makes sense to you. You've survived!!! The process was gradual for me, and m prayers are that you find the same. Your feelings of 'being alone' are common to people who have faced life threatening situations. Just as combat veterans 'understand' each other in ways the rest of us can't, so too we now have a 'connection' that we can share with each other. Let your family and friends in - revel in their warmth and what they can give. You came here - just my first trip here has told me we can both gain so much here.

Unknown

I don't think the fear will ever go away, but it sure has gotten less. I think that we have to explore every nook and cranny of it, a journey that takes time. For me, I have become bored with feeling afraid. I know the lay out of the fear pretty well and there just is no point in bringing it up like I used to. Nothing new to be discovered by thinking about it. Here is a shallow example. I have crooked teeth. Every morning when I brush my teeth I see them out of order. If a beautiful model were to suddenly see my teeth in her smile she would cry a thousand tears. Me? I just put my toothbrush back in the holder and go on with my day. At first, DX was a big deal. Now, I have other things to think about. Often, when I feel myself getting down I say my mantra, which is "Something (the beast) may take my life away, but I'll be damned (yes,my inner voice uses swear words), I'll be damned if I am going to GIVE it away." So, live like you are going to live. Nobody on earth (except maybe that beautiful model) has any more ability to enjoy their day than you or I.
So, that is how I deal with it.
But of course I understand. Sometimes I deal better than other days. Find the words, the peace, and even the anger, that helps you live your live today. And why not write us more often? It helps to see other women being strong. Give your supportive husband a kiss for me, crooked teeth and all. love, Joyce

seof

I think you have come to the best place to express yourself. come back anytime. The way I see it is this: The day I felt a lump in my breast I became a cancer survivor (I knew what it was before I went for the mammogram,etc. to get the Dr. to say it). I will be a cancer survivor until I die (like AA says once an alchoholic, always an alchoholic, even if you stay sober for 80 years). I define "cancer survivor" as a person who has ever been diagnosed with cancer AND a change in the way that person sees him/herself and the world. Awareness that it really can happen to you, is part of that. I think it is something you learn to live with. Yes, I really and truly could die from cancer (or from all the other stuff anyone else could die from) but...I AM NOT DEAD YET!!! Until then I will live as well as I can for as long as I can, whatever that means at the moment.

That being said, I think your feelings are normal, but if you feel like they are preventing you from enjoying life, or being able to function as you would like to, look for a counsellor who specializes in those who are dealing with potentially life threatening conditions, or a survivor support group. Your local ACS, or your cancer center (ask the nurses) may be able to point you in the right direction.

Best wishes, seof

Unknown

Hello Kitty....(LOL always wanted to say that!)
Here is the thing that strikes me as I read your post and the replies to it:
It has been 22 years this month since I was first diagnosed with breast cancer. I have had 2 other diagnoses since then (but not for 12 years)....
so, am I 'over it'? No way. But I am no longer afraid of cancer in particular. I have come to realize that there is no more chance of cancer taking my life than there is a mack truck. And I refuse to cross the street with my heart in my mouth. I also refuse to live each day in fear of cancer. Cancer is a terrible thing, no doubt about it, but balanced against all the wonderful things I have lived and experienced, it is a blip on the radar.
I do NOT mean to sound cavalier. I went through all the fear and trembling in my day just as many of you are doing now. I am just saying that the human spirit is a marvelous thing. Give yours time to catch up. It will serve you well.

Unknown

unknown said:

Hello Kitty....(LOL always wanted to say that!)
Here is the thing that strikes me as I read your post and the replies to it:
It has been 22 years this month since I was first diagnosed with breast cancer. I have had 2 other diagnoses since then (but not for 12 years)....
so, am I 'over it'? No way. But I am no longer afraid of cancer in particular. I have come to realize that there is no more chance of cancer taking my life than there is a mack truck. And I refuse to cross the street with my heart in my mouth. I also refuse to live each day in fear of cancer. Cancer is a terrible thing, no doubt about it, but balanced against all the wonderful things I have lived and experienced, it is a blip on the radar.
I do NOT mean to sound cavalier. I went through all the fear and trembling in my day just as many of you are doing now. I am just saying that the human spirit is a marvelous thing. Give yours time to catch up. It will serve you well.

Zahalene, Congrats on your anniversary! Life is sweet.

Unknown

Kitty, I can totally relate to what you are feeling. As the others have said, the first year or two is hard and it gets better after that. I cried all the time during treatment and very frequently for more than a year after that. I just reached my 2yr anniversary a month ago and am still fearful. It has gotten better I will say,but I still think about cancer alot and death(which by the way I never thought about death before my breast cancer). But I am not obsessed anymore which is good. I don't talk about cancer all the time anymore either. I don't think the fear will ever go away completely because there will always be at least a chance that my cancer could return, but as Zahlahene said, there are a thousand other things that could take our lives too! So, we have to try and live life to the fullest and enjoy the little moments. Life is painfully short, and time spent worrying is time we can never get back or "do over". Hang in there Kitty, it does get better. E-mail me if you ever need to talk. Take care and keep in touch. Eileen

rmap59

Hi,
I come here for my Mom because she is dealing with the aftermath of breast cancer. I myself am dealing with the aftermath of rectal cancer. I do think about it coming back sometimes but push those thoughts out when they rear their ugly heads. This reminded me of something a teenage friend of my son said way before cancer was a part of my life. She said live your life like you are dying. At the time I thought that was a very weird thing for a teenager to be saying or thinking. But now after dx and all that I have been through she was right so live your life like you are dying and that will give you the best life possible?
Something to ponder,
Robin

1kitty

VermontPines said:

Kitty, This is my first time here also. I had my breast cancer surgery in 2005 and, like you, cried for odd reasons for the first year. But slowly, I found I had more and more days when I didn't think about it for hours, then a full day. Silly things trigger it, but the fear is no longer a potent force. It's lost a lot of its energy, if that makes sense to you. You've survived!!! The process was gradual for me, and m prayers are that you find the same. Your feelings of 'being alone' are common to people who have faced life threatening situations. Just as combat veterans 'understand' each other in ways the rest of us can't, so too we now have a 'connection' that we can share with each other. Let your family and friends in - revel in their warmth and what they can give. You came here - just my first trip here has told me we can both gain so much here.

Avery special thank-you to all that have responded to my first note. I never knew that so many felt my same feelings and fears. Some comments put a smile on my face and others gave me that push that I needed. I know I can't let this contol me and there are other things in life to live for then to wait and see if "C" will ever come back. You are very special people, I'm glad I came to this site. Thank-you again.
1kitty

chenheart

This is the perfect place to put your feelings to words, as we truly do understand. Our friends and family, as empathetic as they may be, really don't "get it"~ nor should they! I wish I didn't understand it as well as I do!
For the record, I am also 58, and opted not to have reconstruction either...it is all a personal choice.

As far as the fear? It is in the back of my mind, but it no longer invades every thought and space of my waking hours. You know how we are waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop? Well, for me, that other shoe has gone from being a steel toed work boot to a soft leather baby shoe. I was going to say moccassin, but I don't want anyone to think I meant a snake!

Come in often~ we are a great sounding board, and a wonderful sisterhood.

Hugs,
Claudia

1kitty

chenheart said:

This is the perfect place to put your feelings to words, as we truly do understand. Our friends and family, as empathetic as they may be, really don't "get it"~ nor should they! I wish I didn't understand it as well as I do!
For the record, I am also 58, and opted not to have reconstruction either...it is all a personal choice.

As far as the fear? It is in the back of my mind, but it no longer invades every thought and space of my waking hours. You know how we are waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop? Well, for me, that other shoe has gone from being a steel toed work boot to a soft leather baby shoe. I was going to say moccassin, but I don't want anyone to think I meant a snake!

Come in often~ we are a great sounding board, and a wonderful sisterhood.

Hugs,
Claudia

HI Claudia, Thanks for the words of support. Yes that fear is the back of my mind but it creeps to the front more than I would like. This has been a very emotional weekend, lots of tears. the 24th of this month will be 10 months since I was DX and had first surgery. I'm sure this will get better but I wish it would hurry.

See ya
Patricia

1kitty

unknown said:

Kitty, I can totally relate to what you are feeling. As the others have said, the first year or two is hard and it gets better after that. I cried all the time during treatment and very frequently for more than a year after that. I just reached my 2yr anniversary a month ago and am still fearful. It has gotten better I will say,but I still think about cancer alot and death(which by the way I never thought about death before my breast cancer). But I am not obsessed anymore which is good. I don't talk about cancer all the time anymore either. I don't think the fear will ever go away completely because there will always be at least a chance that my cancer could return, but as Zahlahene said, there are a thousand other things that could take our lives too! So, we have to try and live life to the fullest and enjoy the little moments. Life is painfully short, and time spent worrying is time we can never get back or "do over". Hang in there Kitty, it does get better. E-mail me if you ever need to talk. Take care and keep in touch. Eileen

Eileen, Your message touched my heart, you really know how I feel. I never even thought about breast cancer until it hit me. Now the word scares me to death, being a nurse is not always a good idea because I know more than I wish I knew at times. Zahlahene is very smart in her thoughts that a thousand other things could take our lives. So live it to the fullest.
Thank-you
Patricia

cabbott

1kitty said:

HI Claudia, Thanks for the words of support. Yes that fear is the back of my mind but it creeps to the front more than I would like. This has been a very emotional weekend, lots of tears. the 24th of this month will be 10 months since I was DX and had first surgery. I'm sure this will get better but I wish it would hurry.

See ya
Patricia

I used to wish that good days would hurry up and get here. Days like Christmas and birthdays were just too long in coming. Older folks would remind me not to wish my life away. At the time I really meant what I said and didn't understand what those OLD guys were saying. They were at least 30 I'm sure!! Well, now I'm over 50 and though I don't feel all that OLD yet, I'm beginning to understand that every day (even a not so good one) is a gift from God not to be wished away but explored to the fullest. I don't enjoy feeling uncertain and afraid and sometimes it is hard to be cheerful and lighthearted. But every day is still a blessing and I try to enjoy it and not wish it away. Having been diagnosed twice not (both breast and lung cancer) those days, even the not so good ones, are starting to be pretty precious. And though I do not enjoy bad days as much, I usually learn more about myself and other people on those days than I do on the good days.

JKAlley

cabbott said:

I used to wish that good days would hurry up and get here. Days like Christmas and birthdays were just too long in coming. Older folks would remind me not to wish my life away. At the time I really meant what I said and didn't understand what those OLD guys were saying. They were at least 30 I'm sure!! Well, now I'm over 50 and though I don't feel all that OLD yet, I'm beginning to understand that every day (even a not so good one) is a gift from God not to be wished away but explored to the fullest. I don't enjoy feeling uncertain and afraid and sometimes it is hard to be cheerful and lighthearted. But every day is still a blessing and I try to enjoy it and not wish it away. Having been diagnosed twice not (both breast and lung cancer) those days, even the not so good ones, are starting to be pretty precious. And though I do not enjoy bad days as much, I usually learn more about myself and other people on those days than I do on the good days.

Kitty, I hit 5 years since diagonosis this January and am a "used to be regular" here. I was both in here and in the chat room all the time. The "used to" alone should tell you that, yes, it does get much better. I still come back occainsionally to check up on what's going on, and that should tell you it never goes away completely. Strength comes with time, I said the same thing after my divorce. At first I had a really hard time telling anyone I was a single mom, then I came to embrace it. Cancer is kinda the same way. At first I couldn't speak the word cancer (let alone breast) without getting all choked up. Now I stand proudly and will tell anyone I am a suvivor, and give any of the gory details they would like to hear. Hope that's enough analogy to describe how I feel! Life goes on and I am a stronger, better person for going through it. Hang in there, it gets better really it does. Judy

coug90

You know what Kitty, the fear never goes away but it does lessen. Then, one day you wake up and at the end of it all of a sudden you realize that cancer didn't rule your day! I think it must be somewhat like losing someone you love. For a while you will mourn the innocence of not knowing what it was like to have cancer. Then you will begin living again and slowly, although the cancer will have forever changed and reshaped your life, you will relegate it to a back corner.

Good luck. Stay focused. Keep healthy.

HUGS
coug90

jackiemanz

Hi Kitty,

I know how your feeling cause I do/did the same thing. The C was always in my thoughts every single day. Asking my self how/when/where will the C come back. Now that I have celebrate my 1st anniversary(February 20th)I have noticed that I don't think about it as much as I used too. Just enjoy everyday that you can and live you life to the fullest and remember it will get better in time.

Jackie

Jackie

lilamyhart

What awesome and wonderful advice you have received... a little about me... I am 28 years old, and a breast cancer survivor now of 1 year. Tomorrow is my first MRI since my mastectomy and reconstruction surgery. I am here because I too am searching for others to tell me I will be okay and that it is okay to be scared before your next appt. I too am scared of what my next MRI will bring. I went through 8 rounds of chemo and just stopped taking Tamoxifen, crazy side effects for me. I have an awesome husband and wonderful 3 year old son, I know that I have so much to live for. I don't really have the fear of dying, as much as I have the fear of going through all of the cancer treatments and feelings all over again. I know I will survive because that is how I am... God blessed me with cancer for a reason, I have really become a better person, wife, mother, friend and teacher. I have learned so much in the last year that I will have a lifetime to share with the others around me.
I hope that what the others are saying is true... the fear gets less... cause I am strong up until walking in the door of the exam room or the week waiting for the results of the last MRI.. it makes me nervous just thinking about it.
I think to myself at least we are lucky to be having these nervous feeling before checkups, there are many other women who have not been as lucky to have these crazy nervous moments. I give my love and hope to you Kitty and I hope that together we can gain hope and knowledge from our visits here... thank you for your support:)
lilamy

angelbb11

Congratulations! August 4th will be 3 years since I had my mastectomy. I haven't lost enough weight to get reconstruction. I am 50, single mother of a 13 yr old girl whom I have raised since she was 9 days old. It has gotten easier to drop back into the old way of thinking and taking life for granted until I change my clothes. I knew something was wrong when I Found the lump, made sure that I lived in a central place for my daughter and got on with it. I went on my 1st relay for life walk but missed the survivor walk so I'm going to a local one in July, This is really the 1st time I have started getting in to me agai. My Mom was in a rest home during my surgery and treatment but was mentally ill and developing dementia so she didn't really know when I was out , if I was wearing a wig. I lost 30 lbs, then she passed away. I was so busy with my Mom and my daughter time passed, she will be gone 2 yrs in November and now with less to focus on and a good friend surviving her 2nd bout...yes I am afraid..BUT I know how strong I am so I am not afraid to make sure I am thankful when I wake up in the morning and concure another beautiful day. Just remember you are here because you weren't afraid to make it each and every day to get to the here and now!!!