I miss my mom

bettyskid Member Posts: 2
edited March 2014 in Lung Cancer #1
I lost my mom to lung cancer oct 27th 2006, and it feels like i just lost her. i spent the last year of her life slowly watching this full of life woman dwindle away both physically and mentally. she would have her good days and her bad days. the worst part is i keep living in the past. i try to celebrate her life, but i always end up remembering how she was when hospice stepped in. i was truly in denial, even to the end. i just didnt want to believe it. my mom kept the severity of her cancer to herself. she thought she could beat it, and so did i. im on lexapro for my depression, but that dont help. how can i go on without her? i want her back. what do i do? someone please help me! somedays i cant get out of bed from breaking down for the millionth time. will it ever get easier to deal with? i live with such guilt because i didnt have in debth talks with her. we usually kept it lite.although i know how much she loved me. it still hurts so very badly. there is so much i wish i would've asked her...if i had only let myself know the truth. please help!


  • soccerfreaks
    soccerfreaks Member Posts: 2,788 Member
    Since you are taking medication for depression, I am hopeful that this means you are also seeing a therapist for it. While medication certainly has its uses, some times the thing that helps the most is simply having someone to share your problems with.

    As for it 'getting better' I believe that for most of us it does. I like to say that the tears we shed in sorrow today will one day be tears of joy, as we begin to reflect less on our loss and more on the happy moments we spent with our loved one.

    Quite honestly, it may be years before holidays, particularly Christmas, a birthday, and Mother's Day, lose some of their bite, but they will too.

    In the meantime, one useful thing I've discovered over time is that if we give ourselves some meaning, we tend to overcome our depression. Perhaps if you can dedicate some part of every day or every week to helping others, you will discover that your depression can be overcome, and that there are very good reasons to hop out of bed every day!

    Personally, if I can get one person to smile or, better yet, laugh, every day, then it has been a valuable day for both me AND someone else!

    Good luck, and take care.
  • dscott
    dscott Member Posts: 35
    Betty, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my guy Johnny on 5-1-08. I can only say how sorry for you I am. I have the same thoughts regarding him I did not want to see the truth. I think though that is because if we as caregivers really let it sink in then we would not be able to function as we need to for them. Please know you are in my prayers..Debbie
  • cabbott
    cabbott Member Posts: 1,039 Member
    Know that you did not fail your mom. She needed all of what you gave her. Your presence was the comfort she needed. I am sorry she did not want to burden you with the severity of her disease, but no doubt she did it partly out of love for you and possibly because she did not know herself. The drive for life is so strong. Denial helps us survive hopeless situations. Even doctors don't know everything about how long a patient has left. They often do not tell the patient everything because, after all, they might be wrong. It is normal to feel guilty about having done something or having not done something after a loved one has died. But all we get is the present in which to act. We all do the best we can with that. Then we move on. You can use your anger to help others now. Maybe you can mentor a student at a nearby school or participate in a Relay for Life in memory of your mom. Or do something else that reminds you of her. Use your anger for doing something helpful and you will help yourself while you make this world a better place. Yes, I meant to use the word anger rather than grief, because anger is what we feel when things don't go the way we want. What could be more frustrating and maddening than watching a loved one slip away! Of course it hurts. It is pretty normal to grieve for months or even years when you lose someone you love. Keep talking to your counselor if your grief is overwhelming and let your doctor know if your medicine is not enough to help you get through the days. But while you are talking with others and getting medical treatment, look for ways to use your grief in some positive way. That might help even more than an antidepressant. Good luck!