edited March 2014 in Ovarian Cancer #1
So monday is the day and im getting so nervous!! im having such a bad day. I had a dream that felt so real and in my dream it was before cancer when i was skinny and had long hair with highlights and felt good.....then i woke up and went to go look in the mirror totally forgetting about everything and then i burst out into tears bc i totally forgot that i had no hair...I dont want to sound superficial but to me this is the hardest part of cancer. I dread getting ready to look in the mirror. I get myself so upset i throw up. I have a fear of anastesia...either im never going to wake up or i'll wake up in the middle of the surgery and feel everything and not be able to talk or tell the doctors. I just feel like im reaching my breaking point and cant handle anything anymore. I was talking to Jesse about it today and that miss usa pagent was on and man i wish i had all day to just work out, not eat, and get my makeup and hair done. although thats what i do for a living but still. im sure everyone can relate but i just cant make him understand why i feel that way. then he gets aggrivated bc he says he still sees me so beautiful than any girl but i feel discusting and embarassed....any advice please. thanks.
Love and Hugs


  • jamilou
    jamilou Member Posts: 200
    What you are going through is so normal. We all look back and remember our "skinny days" when we were healthy. What we try to do is whatever we can to make ourselves feel good about ourselves now. We have to learn to love our new bodies because they are so strong that they are fighting the cancer. The hair will come back and when it does you can have any color you want! As for the weight...once chemo is over you can work on that too as soon as your doctor tells you you are healthy enough. Try to excercise a little with small walks it will make you feel so much better. I will be saying prayers for you on Monday. Good luck pretty Jenna!
  • floridajo
    floridajo Member Posts: 480
    Hi JennaRose,
    oh sweetie we all go through the same thing. I just try no to look at myself in the mirror,unless I have prepared myself. For me I was just the opposite. I got so skinny,my skin was hanging off my bones. Gone was my muscle tone,that I used to be so proud of,especially for my age. My husband always told me how beautiful I was...I knew to not believe hm,but it was sweet anyway!! We are all scared when it comes to probably should have asked your Dr. for some Xantac for your nerves,but it's a bit late right now,but you still could call today and get some help for the next days until it's surgery day. I'll be keeping you in prayer..all will be good. (((hugz)))~~~Joanne
  • BonnieR
    BonnieR Member Posts: 1,526 Member
    Dear Jennarose,

    We all shed many tears, and for each of us each loss is different. My sister was similar to you and the hair was the hardest. She went to the American Cancer Society in her area and got a wig, and also to a woman who makes wigs for a lower price for women with cancer. Call and find the cancer center in your area and set up an appointment. They have look good feel better classes too ~ I haven't gone to one but those that have really enjoyed it. I have never liked a wig so have scarfs and bandanas in all kinds of colors and match my outfits. :-)

    Talk to your Dr if you are still feeling so bad you are throwing up, could be you are suffering a little depression - pretty normal - and they could give you something to help.

    It does get better Jenna, hang in there and come often and share. For me it helped to keep a journal. And here is something to tell yourself each day... I'm too sexy for my hair!

    Prayers n Hugs BonnieRose
  • mopar
    mopar Member Posts: 1,972 Member
    Dearest JennaRose:
    I wish I could give you a big hug right now and absorb all your fears and anxiety. As everyone has said, we all go through this in some form or another. If you are that ill, give your doctor a call today. Maybe he can give you something, maybe just one pill, to relax you for today and tomorrow. They don't want to give too many relaxants ahead of time, because you will get something just before surgery as they are prepping you, and of course, the anesthetic. If you've had no reactions to anesthetics in the past that you know of, don't be concerned. They will ask you all kinds of questions, so you ask them questions too, to put your mind at ease.

    Looking good is important to us, and it also makes us feel good if we think we look okay. In time you'll learn how to work with what's going on and find the best approach for you. When it's time, visit us again and we can offer lots of tips on make-up, wigs, hats, etc. It sounds like you already have lots of background, so I'm sure this will all work out. Give it time.

    Your boyfriend feels your frustration, and that makes him frustrated. I'm not only a two-time survivor, but I've been a caregiver as well. So, I can understand both sides. It can be hard for someone so close to you to know what to do, what to say, and how to heal your hurt. He's sincere when he says you are beautiful, but I'm sure it's also difficult for him to see you go through this. But the more you put yourself down, the more frustrated he will get. To him, it seems to say that you don't believe him, and it's almost like mocking his sincerity and love for you. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but trust me, I know the scenario.

    Well, JennaRose, my love, hugs and prayers to you. Spend your weekend doing something you enjoy - watching a funny movie, playing cards/games, window shopping, reading, whatever focuses your attention elsewhere. And we'll be waiting to hear from you when you're home and feeling better.

    Luv you bunches!
  • kris43
    kris43 Member Posts: 275
    Jenna - I hope you read the responses and can feel all the love and concern that we have for you. I think Jesse said you didn't have much family support but PLEASE think of us as your family. You know that my son is your age so as a mom, it breaks my heart to know you are so sad and scared.

    Try to remember that where as women like to talk things out, have some listen, give advice, etc - men just want to fix it and move on. Jesse can't fix this - but he is trying (it sounds like) his hardest to lift your spirits. Self-esteem is so important to a woman and it is hard to look in the mirror and think WHO IS THAT?? I think I've gotten used to it until I happen to walk past a window or mirror and just get a glimpse and it still freaks me out. That is not me. But as they say, after a cancer diagnosis you just need to find a new normal. We can't change our diagnosis but we can still live our lives, greet each day with hope and look forward to what the day has to bring. All I can say is, things WILL get better. I know this to be true.

    Have you and our new member Lyndsie been able to touch base yet? I know you 2 would be of so much help to one another as your situations are so similar.

    I too am sending you hugs, love and many prayers. We will be thinking of you this weekend. On Monday think of all your family from this site as sitting right there on your shoulder going through this with you. My friend Keenie always did that and when I was close to despair (many times) I would close my eyes and think of her with me and it would help to calm my fears.

    Deep breaths my friend.

  • saundra
    saundra Member Posts: 1,370 Member
    Well, I can't add anything to these wonderful post for just you, Jennarose. Do you have a journal? If so, maybe it is time for you to work on a "gratitude list" to check every morning. Just list all the things that you can be grateful for in a list and thank God for them. (You could start with "Jessie" as he is there for you.) I will be praying for you on Monday as well as the rest of these ladies, God will be with you, and Jessie will to. With that kind of support, have to do is turn you fears over to us and let go of them. (((HUGS)))
  • carol2dogs
    carol2dogs Member Posts: 132
    I'm not sure I have much to add to what has already been said so very well, but you are beautiful and your beauty starts from the inside. I can tell that you sometimes I downright hated it when I got multiple "but it will grow back - you're fine." I was so worried I would be some kind of an exception, but of course I wasn't. I love my hair now. I never had curly hair before. I may be about to lose it again, but I know it will come back and look really good. So will yours.
    Please try light exercise and lots of humor (via funny movies, tv shows, etc.) to help alleviate stress and help your mood. I agree that Jesse is trying to help and that men are at a loss when they can't just "fix" something. If there is something you can do that Jesse likes, it might help both of you feel better.
    I love Kris' suggestion of thinking of all of us as sitting on your shoulder. We are all here loving you, caring about you, and praying for you. I hope you can get something for your anxiety until Monday. Hugs and kisses.