Random Thoughts Of a CC Survivor

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mykidsmommy
mykidsmommy Member Posts: 76
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
This Easter season marks a year for me - since I was dx - After a year of surg and chemo - I am living doc free (for a few months at a time) and I start to wonder of the events of the past year really happened! Ofcourse I am changed forever and enjoy a post-cancer perspective that is pretty amazing, but every now and then I feel like a "just wanna" get bugged at the small stuff, or not have the "every day is a gift" thought - it is a lot of pressure!I must watch every cartwheel my daughter does and read every book my son brings to my lap... what happened to moderation? My other new sensation is hearing someone recently complain about how she "hates needles" - I wanted to shout " WHAT??? I HAD 6" NEEDLES JAMMED IN MY CHEST AND HAD SO ANY IV LINES I RAN OUT OF VIENS" Oh please! Suddenly other people's complaints pale in comparison and I hve very little tolerance. Just today my daughter didn't want to go the dentist for a teeth cleaning and I found myself saying "yeah , well I didn't want to go to 12 rounds of chemo, but you do what you gotta do". If I sound negitive is because I am able to vent this petty little stuff here where one of you readers might just understand and maube even get a kick out of! But to those around me I am known as the amazing mother or two who has triumphantly mcome through the past year with shining colors , and I am the pillar of strength to them - Well, here's my question....DID I HAVE A CHOICE? AN OPTION B that I forgot to choose? I didn't think so! Well, my anxiety gets riled up as I have a scan in a few weeks - but until then, I will be grateful for everyday, tolerent of those around me who haven't a clue what cancer is like, and I will watch MOST of the cartwheels and read most of the books - after all they (the kids) are watching me and if they think I am ok -then I am.

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  • nudgie
    nudgie Member Posts: 1,478 Member
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    I have had thoughts like yours at some point, but then I take a REAL DEEP breath and take a REAL HARD look around me and realize, what I am feeling is only normal because of what I am going through and been through.

    Life is not easy or not even fun sometimes, but it is what GOD gave us and I try to make the best of what I was given and sometimes I feel sorry for myself and jealous of others, but again, once you really look around yourself and realize, it all comes into perspective (sp?).
  • tootsie1
    tootsie1 Member Posts: 5,044 Member
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    I got tickled at your remarks, because some of it reminded me of me a few years ago. Before I had cancer my husband survived a sudden cardiac arrest. A few months after it happened, a young woman I worked with was talking about how her summer hadn't been very good. Her car had been wrecked, and she had to wait for it to be fixed. I said, "Yeah, my summer was a little tough, too." Inside I was thinking, "My husband died and was brought back. They implanted a defibrillator in his chest. Every time he breathes funny I think he might be having a problem. Yeah, sorry about that car!"
  • kmygil
    kmygil Member Posts: 876 Member
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    I think a lot of us recognize ourselves in your thoughts. Sometimes, you just want to holler! Last weekend I just lay around reading, didn't even get out of my pajamas, and a friend said, "How can you waste a day like that, especially after what you've been through?" I wanted to drop-kick her. What? Suddenly I have to spend my days running around like a headless chicken because I don't know how many are left? Puleeeze! None of us know how many days we have left! And if I want to spend a weekend lolling around, I think I have a right to! Hugs,
    Kirsten
  • jenhopesprays
    jenhopesprays Member Posts: 128 Member
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    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Here is another one of my favorite lines. "You look so great. You sure don't look like you have cancer." I don't really know how to answer that one. My friend who is struggling with MS greets me with the classic "You look just great" comment and I toss it back and we both just laugh, knowing a good hair day won't fix our ills.

    Laughing about it sure feels good though!
  • claud1951
    claud1951 Member Posts: 424 Member
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    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Here is another one of my favorite lines. "You look so great. You sure don't look like you have cancer." I don't really know how to answer that one. My friend who is struggling with MS greets me with the classic "You look just great" comment and I toss it back and we both just laugh, knowing a good hair day won't fix our ills.

    Laughing about it sure feels good though!

    I haved to laugh at Jenshope's reply because that one always got me, too. "You look great". Well for heavens sake, you don't have to look AWFUL all the time just because you have cancer. I just smiled and said thank you. And there were times I just wanted to take my hat off (I had a drug that made my hair thin to the point of me having to buzz my hair) and say..What do you think now! >>>grin>> Aren't we awful!! hehehehe
    Thanks for writing and letting me "vent"!

    Claudia
  • rmap59
    rmap59 Member Posts: 266
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    Thanks for the humor!! People are so funny when they talk to you about what you have been through. I have had friends that I only see about 3 or 4 times a year and every time they say Boy, do you look better than you did last time I saw you. I never know what to say, I mean how BAD did I look?? Let's keep on laughing.
    Robin
  • tootsie1
    tootsie1 Member Posts: 5,044 Member
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    rmap59 said:

    Thanks for the humor!! People are so funny when they talk to you about what you have been through. I have had friends that I only see about 3 or 4 times a year and every time they say Boy, do you look better than you did last time I saw you. I never know what to say, I mean how BAD did I look?? Let's keep on laughing.
    Robin

    That reminds me of when I first started picking up my grandson from school again after my surgery. One of the moms I know said, "You've lost some weight." I replied that I had because I was sick (she's on the staff, and I know they are aware of my illness). She insisted, "I know, but you look better!" Then she laughed and went along her way. I'm sitting there wondering why she didn't ask how I was and thinking, "How bad did I look before that I look better now that I have cancer?" Weird world!
  • Limey
    Limey Member Posts: 446 Member
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    Trust me - your o.k. I think every person that has gone through an experience like cancer has to have similar feelings annd experiences. Our friends are amazed at our strength but inside we say, you would do the same thing. and they would. It was not them though, it was us who went through it, and it was us who decided to fight. That is why it is us who have the emmotional attachment to the appreciation of lifes more simpiler pleasures. It is us who welcome having one needle stuck into us just for a test, because we understand the alternative - that needle could be carrying a drug that will make us puke, loose our hair or whatever, along with killing the cancer cells.

    I am sure I am not alone in appreciating my newfounded awarness of the good in this life and the blessings that happen each day. Yes, there are days when I just wanna forget it all and just take for granted what I now cherrish. Just be a little wreckless, and whine and complain withhout casuse. I could make Paris Hilton look like a saint.

    This morning I went into my boys room at 6;00 - woke them up and had them come into dad bed to snuggle. I don't know if they will remember this experience tomorrow. But I, I will never forget the feeling of holding my boys tight and knowing for that just then, I could stop time, be thier protector and just be Dad.

    I hope you time is booked solid with all of the little mindless needs of your children as you wait to get your good news.

    Thanks for the post.
    Mark