They just don't get it

seof Member Posts: 819 Member
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
This is in response to the Friends and Mortality question, really, but my take is a bit different from the ones I read, so I thought I would state my thoughts separately.

First, some brief history: My Sister was diagnosed with BC in 1998 at the age of 40, did treatment, surgery, recurrence, repeat, and died in 2006. I was diagnosed may 2007 and am still in the process of treatments and surgeries (I am 43). You should also know that our first child was stillborn in 1992. We currently have 2 girls, 11 and 14. We are Christians and faith in Jesus is a source of strenth and peace for us. Our family has talked quite a bit about the issue of mortality and our feelings about it amongst ourselves when one of us has the need or desire, but mostly we live our lives.

Second, I actually subscribe to the, "we could all be hit by a bus" theory. I am not the only person I know who does not know how much time I have left, and I do not mind reminding others that they are in the same boat I am in that regard. Cancer is not the only thing folks can die from, even those who don't have it are at risk.

Third, in the meantime I am determined to live as well as I can for as long as I can. I have cancer, but I am not cancer. I am me! Therefore I make every effort to make life as good as possilbe moment by moment, whatever the definition of "good" is at the time. If I need to cry and scream right now, I cry and scream. If I need to sit and stare into space, I sit and stare. If I need to sing in the shower or watch the dog chase its tail for a laugh, I laugh, if I need to just muddle through the day like a normal person...(you get the point).

I appreciated the comment about the person who lost a child in the responses to the other posting. When our child died we had a variety of well-meaning folk give us a plethora of explanations and statements designed to be comforting, many of which I vehemently disagreed with. My response was to remind myself of the good intentions and thank them for thinking of us, while internally saying, "you just don't get it". I do the same thing with comments about cancer. I also think of the many times I have been around someone going through something I have not experienced and wondered how often I have been the one who "just don't get it", and I am a bit less offended, if not empathetic with them for not knowing what to say. I have since tried to just shut up when I don't know what to say. Just being there is enough sometimes.

Sometimes silence is golden, but it is very hard to do.

Thanks for sparking such a thoughtful conversation. seof


  • phoenixrising
    phoenixrising Member Posts: 1,508
    Thank you for taking the time to post your views, they are important and I appreciate you sharing them with us.

    Before BC, I subscribed to the "bus" theory like most people, but I am painfully aware now that it isn't the same. There is a huge gap between what I felt and what I feel. When I was "innocent" I didn't really believe I was going to be hit by a bus, or that anything really was going to happen to me. I took it for granted that the day/life was going to be there for me and I planned accordingly. No one knows how much time they have left and I knew that before, but for me anyway when it brushed up beside me my life/view changed. Brought it home, made it real. Now I wonder if the other shoe is going to drop like it has for so many others.

    One thing I think I should have made clear is I was relating to anyone who has faced their mortality and skirted it with intervention.

    You know I used to drive tanker trucks, Super B trains hauling fuel. Propane, gas, jet fuel...etc. around a major city. People used to ask what it was like dragging a bomb around. It didn't bother me at all. That was no bomb, this is a bomb. Kind of funny...just thought I would mention it.

    Again thank you for your thoughts and let me say how happy I am that this is not an issue for you.
  • Actually, it is funny how we can agree with multiple points of view. Much of the time, and certainly when I am with people trying their hardest to be nice, even if they are unknowingly hurting me I am very charitable and unerstanding. An example would be a friend of mine who thinks that because I am "dying" I will appreciate like no one else all the stories she knows of people dying. I listen, watch her sad face she puts on for me and try to be there. But, boy oh boy, is it fun sometimes to let loose some of the things I need to keep inside when I come to this web page. It is a safe place to let them out. Then they won't come out at the wrong time.
    I have lots of different attitudes and opinions, but the only one I seldom cop to is "that's the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!" I treasure everybody's take on this question - and agree with them all, at one time or another.
    Let's keep up these great discussions! love, Joyce
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159

    The ONLY thing I want to say to you after reading your post ( and actually, to all of you who responded to the Mortality Posting) is this: I Love You!!!

    I can't make rhyme or reason of the whole Cancer Thing, the why's the why nots, etc etc. I have said that those on the outside as it were, are the "Muggles" from the Harry Potter series... There were those who had a Witch or a Wizard in their family, but they themselves were not so "blessed". Not all Muggles were good, but neither were all Witches/Wizards~ they all dealt with the knowledge of who they were in different ways. So, we ended up at Hogwarts trying to explain to the Muggles in our lives why we belong here!

    I do not want to ramble on about this subject~ perhaps because next Saturday marks my 5 year anniversary of surgery and I would like to think I have moved on...alas, I know I haven't. And quite possibly, none of us ever really will 100%.

    That having been said, whether we be Muggles or Wizards~ live life! Love, laugh, cry, and be aware! Not fatalistic, but just human!!!

    As always...I am inspired by you all.