Friends and Mortality

phoenixrising

ladybluepgh said:

HI Jan..that bus analogy thing really gets to me...at least if I had been hit by a bus...I wouldnt know what hit me!!! But what has hit me is cancer ..not once but twice ...how do you just go on each day acting like it never happened? Its more like waiting each day for the next occurrence. I just had a prophylactic mastectomy 2 weeks ago and 2 biopsies under the previous scar...I was told they came out good but the path report on the right breast says atypical ductal hyperplasia...the surgeon said I was smart to have had this removed b4 it turned into cancer...makes you feel like you are a ticking bomb...hope I didnt bring anyone down but I'm having a real problem with just accepting and moving on...accepting I can do..its the moving on and acting like things are the same so that friends and family arent upset that get to me. What about me being upset? don't I have the right to worry about my LIFE?...I have things to live for too...why cant ppl just let us have our good and our bad times and accept us for who we are?

Dear LadyBlue, please don't worry about bringing anyone down, if everything was hunky dory we wouldn't need this site. You need to express your emotions too. Good question. How do you move on when you are a ticking bomb. Maybe it's a process. Maybe it takes time to figure out how you are going to move on. One thing for sure is things aren't the same and never will be and maybe someone can suggest a way of instilling that in the minds of stubborn friends and family. How stressful for you that they get upset with you because you aren't acting like things are the same. I do hope you find some peace and understanding from your family, remember that we too are your family and you can vent to us anytime
Big Hug
jan

ohilly

It made me feel a lot better to read these responses. Actually, I saw the post for a few days, but was afraid to read it because I avoid anything that says 'mortality' in the title like the plague. I did identify, though, that many people say the 'being hit by a bus' thing (including my own family) and as everyone said, we have already been hit by the bus and it's just not the same thing at all. I have been accused of being negative by my family, but how am I not supposed to be negative? From my point of view, I'm just doing the best I can. Lately, I have been struggling with feelings of being 'different': that everyone else is going on with their normal lives and somehow I am outside. I hate it when people hear I have bc and look at me with shock and concern: I feel like they're thinking I'm going to die and they don't want to tell me this. Can the others in this group tell me: if the years go by and there is no recurrence (or maybe there is, but it is successfully dealth with thru treatment), do you ever get a feeling that life is normal again? I have been going in and out of depression. I think some of it has to do with the fact that on Monday I'm supposed to get the results of my Oncotype test and find out if I have to have chemo. Ohilly

phoenixrising

ohilly said:

It made me feel a lot better to read these responses. Actually, I saw the post for a few days, but was afraid to read it because I avoid anything that says 'mortality' in the title like the plague. I did identify, though, that many people say the 'being hit by a bus' thing (including my own family) and as everyone said, we have already been hit by the bus and it's just not the same thing at all. I have been accused of being negative by my family, but how am I not supposed to be negative? From my point of view, I'm just doing the best I can. Lately, I have been struggling with feelings of being 'different': that everyone else is going on with their normal lives and somehow I am outside. I hate it when people hear I have bc and look at me with shock and concern: I feel like they're thinking I'm going to die and they don't want to tell me this. Can the others in this group tell me: if the years go by and there is no recurrence (or maybe there is, but it is successfully dealth with thru treatment), do you ever get a feeling that life is normal again? I have been going in and out of depression. I think some of it has to do with the fact that on Monday I'm supposed to get the results of my Oncotype test and find out if I have to have chemo. Ohilly

I know how you feel when you say "different" or "outside", I feel the same way. Like the big almighty finger is pointing down at me or I've got a tatoo on my forehead that says "damaged goods". It's funny how people who have no idea of what you're going through are telling you/us how to be. My take is that they just don't want to hear it, it brings them down. But you need to talk/vent and express your feelings which I think will help you get through it. Hiding it under a false facade of positiveness keeps you feeling more alone. I know you will find nurturing and support here and hopefully someone will let us know if this "differentness" ever goes away.
love
jan

kbc4869

phoenixrising said:

Kim, I am so glad this helped you feel better and not so alone. It sounds like we give up more than just breasts with this. You know I think my family comes from a long line of don't talk about it around the person because it might bother them. I wonder if your family is like that too. My friend lost her son many years ago and you know I am so careful not to mention it cause I don't want to upset her. Maybe she's thinking....nobody mentions him, it's like he was never alive. Hmmmmm.

Thank you for venting, people need to hear it.
jan

Oh, Jan, my family is Italian. We talk about EVERYTHING as long as it's inappropriate and makes someone uncomfortable. We fight, yell, scream and cry . . . except about Cancer. Why just last week my brother and father got in a heated arguement over potatos and how they were served -- roasted instead of mashed. Welcome to my world. Only crazys allowed! You just gotta laugh though. At least their funny!

Much love,
Kim

Unknown

ohilly said:

It made me feel a lot better to read these responses. Actually, I saw the post for a few days, but was afraid to read it because I avoid anything that says 'mortality' in the title like the plague. I did identify, though, that many people say the 'being hit by a bus' thing (including my own family) and as everyone said, we have already been hit by the bus and it's just not the same thing at all. I have been accused of being negative by my family, but how am I not supposed to be negative? From my point of view, I'm just doing the best I can. Lately, I have been struggling with feelings of being 'different': that everyone else is going on with their normal lives and somehow I am outside. I hate it when people hear I have bc and look at me with shock and concern: I feel like they're thinking I'm going to die and they don't want to tell me this. Can the others in this group tell me: if the years go by and there is no recurrence (or maybe there is, but it is successfully dealth with thru treatment), do you ever get a feeling that life is normal again? I have been going in and out of depression. I think some of it has to do with the fact that on Monday I'm supposed to get the results of my Oncotype test and find out if I have to have chemo. Ohilly

Ohilly, I know what you're saying. I am just about at my 2yr anniversary and I still feel "diferent". I can sense people get weird at work when the subject of cancer comes up while I'm there. I think they are not sure whether it will upset me or not. When I was first diagnosed and having chemo, wherever I went I would look at people and wish I could be them because they were "normal". I felt I was damaged and they were so lucky to still be "ok". I felt that I would never be the same person I was. That was true-I will never be able to be as carefree again. That can be depressing as you know. Somehow though we must fight those thoughts and the depression that comes with them. We can't let cancer suck the life and happiness out of us. This will be hard but luckily we have eachother because we all can relate to what we're feeling. "Civilians"(non-cancer people) find it difficult to relate. Good luck with the oncotype. Chemo sucks but it is definitely doable. Don't be afraid. I had 8 rounds and got through it alright. Just remember to take good care of yourself and if you are having a yuckie day, stay home-don't push it, its not worth it. Hang in there and you will make it. Hugs, Eileen