6 year survivor freakout

newboobs

Okay- this is SO weird. A few weeks ago, it was cold and very windy here. So I dug through my closet and found a black crocheted hat I wore while in treatment. I even noticed it had tiny, short grey hairs-- from where my hair started growing back. I kind of chuckled at the stubs- and thought about how far I've come.

Later that day I was shopping and walked past a glass window and glanced at my reflection. IMMEDIATELY I saw my "sick" face....dull, broken out skin, no eyebrows. It was a split second, but it really bothered me for the next few days. I came home and threw that hat away! Have you all had anything like this happen? I have been a survivor for over 6 years and have never had this happen. Maybe it was badhat karma ;-)
I can't wait for chenheart's reply on this one!

mgm42

DUMP THE HAT. BURN IT. BURY IT. THROW IT IN THE OCEAN. JUST GET RID OF IT. Hugs, Marilynn

KathiM

Actually, the only way for anyone to move past a traumatic experience is to face it and turn away from it. Sounds like you did VERY well!!

Memories, both good and bad, are what make us who we are. Fade they will, both the good and bad. We tend to 'silver box' (make it seem ok by putting it in a better light) even the worst...

Congrats! You are normal! (But you already knew that, didn't you dearheart?)

Hugs, Kathi

jackiemanz

I kindof know how you felt. Just recently I pulled out my PJ's that I lived in when I first came home from the hospital. I pulled them out of my draw and put them on for about 5 second and they brought back the bad memories. To say none the least they hit the trash can. So get rid of that bad hat.

Hugs
Jackie

survivor51

Thank the hat for all the kind times it was there for you. Thank the memory for that split second and thank you new body, face, emotions for being with you to strongly take over all those times years ago. You can even write them a letter and then take it outside, burn it and let the smoke rise up to the heavens. 6 years and doing great...WOW!!!!

krisrey

Hi Newboobs,
I have not been on this site in a while, just recently started coming back and reading posts. I can't help but respond to your post!
I had/have the same type of thing happen. I am currently letting my hair grow out (I have kept it short post chemo 4 years now). I am sure you can relate to how bad it is when you grow out hair. You go through the horrible stages. Well in the past I would have just put on a baseball cap or something.....however, now.....I can not bear the site of me in a hat. I HATE HOW I LOOK! All I can remember are those hairless months and looking sick..you know the "chemo Look".
So as I sit here now, with my layers growing out I think I rather have bad hair days than even think about putting on a hat!....crazy huh!
Kris

chenheart

This is such a "no-brainer"~ you need not have wondered what my take would be!

My niece just started a new job, and wanted to use bandanas as headbands . She asked if she could have my collection of bandanas. I told her I didn't have any~ I had thrown all of them away more than 3 years ago. I didn't care how cute, what color, how fancy; it didn't matter at all. Why? Because to me bandanas say one thing: CHEMO!!!
Not just in the far recesses of my mind, but also in the recesses of my dresser! They seemed to me just like a pack of cigarettes found in an old purse of someone who quit smoking 5 years ago. YUK!

I have never looked as healthy post-cancer as I did pre. And even though I know that part of it is because I am 5 years older(!!)my psyche says that it is because of my new normal. Is it our Scarlet Letter? Only with a capital C instead of an A? But I also know that I am sensual, smart, funny, insightful~ and I am working on humility too! LOL

You are not just physically beautiful Karen, but spiritually and emotionally as well. It helps to have others tell us that, doesn't it? But more importantly, you need to remind yourself just how awesome you truly are.

See yourself as we see you~ I am so glad you threw that blasted hat away! You would never have been able to see it in a healthy way or even as a fashion accessory...and you are a healthy, vibrant woman.

Hugs,
Claudia

seof

I'm not that far along in the cancer survivor land yet...still in treatments...However, I have had kinda-sorta similar "flashback" experiences related to other bad experiences.

First: Our First child was stillborn in 1992. I still have moments that surprise me with the return of that intense sadness when I see other newborns, or when I hear the song that was played at the funeral. I have 2 healthy, wonderful daughters, but I still have reminders of that part of my life from time to time.

Second: The night of my Mother-in-Law's funeral several years ago we were in her home with several family members and there was a gas leak while we were all asleep. If the dog had not gotten someone up, we would all have been dead in another hour. We were all rushed to ER and we are all alive and well today, but I did get rid of the pajamas I wore that night because I kept getting visions of being carried out of the house over the shoulder of a firefighter whenever I wore them.

I think it's just the way our brains work to deal with scary stuff. I don't know. I think you handled it well.

Congratulations on 6 "clean" years!
seof

newboobs

chenheart said:

This is such a "no-brainer"~ you need not have wondered what my take would be!

My niece just started a new job, and wanted to use bandanas as headbands . She asked if she could have my collection of bandanas. I told her I didn't have any~ I had thrown all of them away more than 3 years ago. I didn't care how cute, what color, how fancy; it didn't matter at all. Why? Because to me bandanas say one thing: CHEMO!!!
Not just in the far recesses of my mind, but also in the recesses of my dresser! They seemed to me just like a pack of cigarettes found in an old purse of someone who quit smoking 5 years ago. YUK!

I have never looked as healthy post-cancer as I did pre. And even though I know that part of it is because I am 5 years older(!!)my psyche says that it is because of my new normal. Is it our Scarlet Letter? Only with a capital C instead of an A? But I also know that I am sensual, smart, funny, insightful~ and I am working on humility too! LOL

You are not just physically beautiful Karen, but spiritually and emotionally as well. It helps to have others tell us that, doesn't it? But more importantly, you need to remind yourself just how awesome you truly are.

See yourself as we see you~ I am so glad you threw that blasted hat away! You would never have been able to see it in a healthy way or even as a fashion accessory...and you are a healthy, vibrant woman.

Hugs,
Claudia

Well I'm glad I'm not the only freak-out person out there! Yes I threw that hat away-- working on giving the wig away now. Chen, HUGS to you! Krisrey- glad you're back-- we missed ya :-)

Now I have to work on losing weight and getting in shape. You know, it's always something lol.

Hugs ladies -

Jadie

I recently sold my house. While packing I drug a box out from under the bed, opened it and there were my wigs and hats I wore while doing chemo. A big wave of nausia and all the horrible feelings hit me as if I had just had a treatment and I closed the box. I wanted to throw it all away but I hesitated because my sisters bought most of it for me. What mixed emotions! Well maby if I keep them I will never need them again.

cabbott

And I thought I was the only one that had happened too! Mind you, it wasn't a hat I found. It was the Tee shirt my nurse had given to me the day I had the mastectomy. It was extra large (I'm kinda small) and I like lived in the thing the first weeks after surgery. It was easy to get on and off and made me feel (almost) safe, for whatever reason. But when I found it in the back of the closet a few years later, I could barely stand to touch it. Too many memories attached I guess. Anyhow, it was hard to chuck and impossible to keep. I finally got the nerve to throw it out so I could go on with my life. Somehow, I think my nurse would have approved. It had done what it needed to do back when I was recovering. Then came the time for me to go on. So toss away and celebrate the fact you moved on!