I miss my MOM

valeriec Member Posts: 348 Member
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
Hi to all you wonderful semi-colons,
Well, it has been 3 months since my mom passed away. I haven't posted much because I don't know what to say. I don't want to make anyone sad or scared so I have stayed away from posting. But, I really miss you all so much. So many of you helped me and my family through my mom's 16 month battle with stage 4 colon cancer. And although it did not end the way my family wanted it to end, I still see my mom as a survivor. She fought really hard for 16 months. God just had a different plan for her. I can say that, and I do have a strong faith, but I still really miss my mom. This next week, Dec 4th is her birthday. With Thanksgiving, Christmas and her birthday, well, it's all been a little overwhelming.

Sometimes I can't believe it really happened. And it seems like it went so fast. One day she was fine and the next day we were in the fight of our lives. I do and did support my mom's decision to not do any more chemo, but on nights like tonight, I wish I would have gotten on my knees and begged her to do more. I just never knew how hard this was going to be. I miss her so much. I wish we could have a do over, because who knows maybe that third line of chemo would have worked.

I did talk to a grief counselor, and the first thing she said to me was...."Don't say your mom passed away, or that your mom went to Heaven. You need to say that your mom died." Needless to say, I did not like her and don't think I will be going back anytime soon.

I know my mom is in the PERFECT place, it's just me being selfish because I really want her back. She is in my heart, but what I wouldn't do to hear her call me sweetpea.

I'm sorry, I hope this post doesn't upset anyone. I do appreciate the support, advice and prayers that were given to my family from all of you. I do miss you all so much. I read the post every few days and say lots of prayers for all you brave warriors who continue this fight. Like someone else said (I think Limey) The cure could be just one day away, and I really pray that is true.

May you all have a very blessed Christmas and a very, very wonderful New Year.

God bless to all-


  • vinny3
    vinny3 Member Posts: 928 Member
    Valerie, Your mother was very lucky to have you with her and helping her and you were lucky to have such a wonderful mother. It is natural to miss her. My sister died from stomach cancer in 2001. November 30 was her birthday so I have been thinking of her alot. I prefer that she has become a guardian angel for me as I have gone through the steps of this disease. She was 8 years older than I and took care of me when I was little. Just try to keep remembering the good times you have had with your mother and the love you both shared. She is not really gone, she is still a part of you. God Bless, ****
  • jerseysue
    jerseysue Member Posts: 624 Member
    You keep visiting and tell the stories about your Mom you never know who it may help. Think of all the happy times. My thoughts are with you.
  • betina61
    betina61 Member Posts: 642 Member
    Valerie,I am so glad to hear from you,I understand completely how you feel,my mother passed away 9 years ago not from cancer,but I still miss her so much,tears came to my eyes when you mentioned what you wouldn't do to hear your mother's voice,is very hard, I wish I could cheer you up a little tellig you that you have been the most worderful daughter any Mother on this earth could wish for,and for us people of faith we accept any plan that God have for us. Please Valerie keep coming to this board, we miss you. Lots of hugs.
  • hopefulone
    hopefulone Member Posts: 1,043 Member
    Val, a really big hug. I'm so glad to see you come back . I 've missed your posts. Your right , your mom is in a PERFECT place and she will always be in your heart. Cherish your memories . My mom left this world 10 years ago now to go home, but I know that she is still with me in some way every single day and when I go home , she'll be right there to welcome me. Keep the faith . I wish you and your family a blessed Christmas, a peaceful and safe and Happy New Year.

    God Bless Val
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    Aw, Valerie....my heart goes out to you....

    I, too, am mourning loss. My daughter died January of this year...not from cancer, but at a healthcare professional's hand. So the 'land mines' are in small things...like looking for lights for the house in the garage and finding some of my daughter's things.

    Grieving is a natural, and necessary, process. It goes in a cycle....some days are better, some are worse. On good days, I get out pictures or home movies and see her again. On bad days, well, I just remind myself how awful the last few months of her life was...(STILL not justified to take her life...sigh).

    Over the years, it will get better. But, having lost my dad 25 years ago, you will not completely forget. And so it should be....family should be kept close in the heart.

    I am wrapping my arms around you, sweet soul....maybe, once when you shed a tear, think of me there, with a tear or two sliding down my cheek...

    Hugs, Kathi
  • rmap59
    rmap59 Member Posts: 266
    I am truly sorry. Mom's are sooo special and I think sometimes what would I do without mine. God gave us the memories to help us through death of a loved one. Lean upon God with all your heart and he will comfort you.

    Prayers to you and your family, Robin
  • sladich
    sladich Member Posts: 429 Member
    I am truly sorry for your loss. Your Mom must have been a wonderful person. Time heals. Prayers to you and your family.

  • Limey
    Limey Member Posts: 446 Member
    Valerie, you mom was lucky to have you by her side. don't stop posting, Always someone gets something out of every post.

    My kids are adopted and tend to have some seperations issues. when we leave grandmas or a good friends house, they struggle. I tell them that if you feel sad about leaving it is because you had a good time.

    I'd say you miss your mom because She loved you and was a great Mom. Think of al the people that never got that with thier parents.

    I hope the good memories puts a smile on your face today.
  • dee42
    dee42 Member Posts: 23
    Valerie...Im so sorry for your loss...you be encouraged and know that your mom IS in a better and perfect place. Your post is such an encouragement to those of us who are still in the fight. My mom happens to be one of those warriors.

    Your mom will always remain in your heart forever as you will remember all of the good times you shared and the wonderful legacy she has left your family.

    May God bless you and your family and give you peace during this time.

  • 2bhealed
    2bhealed Member Posts: 2,064 Member
    Oh Val,

    I had no idea your mom passed away (and honey--you can call it anything you darn well please for crying out loud!!). I am so sorry. If you posted it on here I missed it.

    It's been over 15 years since my sister passed to the other side, went to heaven, died, went to the Grand Party in the Sky, and I miss her a lot--especially recently. I still talk to her at times. Why not. She meant a lot to me.

    So did your mom and of course the year of firsts can one of the toughests.... the first holidays without her, first birthday etc. Honestly, even after 15 years I will still cry (alone in my car) when I think about her. Wanting her back isn't selfish, cuz i am sure you don't want her back in the battle--you just want her back.

    The second guessing about her choices will just drive you crazy--take it from me! (of course I would be on the other side of the spectrum--if she just hadn't done that last round of chemo that speeded up her illness....). but we will never know will we.

    I hope that you and your family will find some comfort in the coming holiday season while you mourn your loss.

    I hope 2008 will be a Blessed one for you.

    peace, emily
  • kmygil
    kmygil Member Posts: 876 Member
    Hi Valerie,
    I can only send hugs and prayers your way. I know your grief. My mother was recuperating from surgery for vulva cancer which turned out to be a metastasis from colon cancer. By the time the colon cancer was found, she was septic and died very quickly. It has been 3 years and I miss her every single day. It is true that after some time has passed it is easier to remember the good things, not the trauma of the final part of her life. Evidently I was growing my own colon cancer when she died and had it not been for the doctor advising my sisters and me to get colonoscopies, I would not have been diagnosed for another year at least. So I choose to think of it as my mother continuing to watch over me even as she passed on. I know our mothers are in a better place, but yes, we miss them so very much.
  • Moesimo
    Moesimo Member Posts: 1,072 Member
    My mom died about 2 years before my diagnosis. I remember one of my cries shortly after diagnosis--I was crying because I know how much she would have helped me through the cancer journey.

    Remember all the good times with your mom.

  • jams67
    jams67 Member Posts: 925 Member
    Why is it that we always find something to feel guilty about after a loved one dies? I find that I always have that would of, could of, should of feeling. I'm sorry about your mom and your words brought tears to my eyes. Don't leave this family. You have a lot to contribute and as a care giver we really appreciate you and your insight.
    Jo Ann