Online Resentment

chenheart

Have any of you met with anger, jealousy or resentment about the connections you have made with this amazing online family here at CSN? It seems to me that it is oftentimes easier to pour my heart out to those I have met in chat than those I live with! I feel such a connection with this online community, and I can't expect my family to truly understand this cancer journey and its long-term effects on my life and perception of things. I would like to draw my family in, and voice my fears and concerns with them, but they have pushed my cancer so far on the back burner that it is almost non-existant.
Have any of you dealt with this? Can you shed any light on how best to reconcile my real family with my online one?

Unknown

Hi chen....
Are you living in my house? LOL
NOBODY in my 'real world' ever says the word 'cancer' in relation to me. Of course I have been ca-free for a long time but I still experience the long-term effects of surgeries and treatments. But it's like nobody realizes that I am not exactly the woman I once was.....physically or emotionally.
And you know what...I don't think I want my 'real world' people to join me in my 'csn world'....I just don't think they would 'get it'.

24242

Interesting Chen,
I believe we all come to this community of support for all sorts of reasons but being connected to those who truly understand is most common. I floundered in the world for several years because no one understood the pain. No one understood the losses I was going through since life as I knew it would never be the same if I survived this dreaded disease. Those who thought I had a good attitude should of seen it from here. I just found myself not being truly honest about how I felt so others didn't experience my pain.
I hear often that I should quit talking about my cancer but you know not much has changed since the day I was diagnosed. In fact those now have to wait for surgery and treatment even if you are at a later stage. I was treated immediately and those days are long gone. We have to look forward to hospital bed shortages and now nursing and doctor shortages, not sure how that is working for us.
I finally came here because I had moved from all my family and friends and could be grateful I was alive but definitely lonely. Here I found people who truly understood what I was going through and oh how that helped. Sharing of information also helped me to realize that there were things I hadn't thought of and needed to.
Families would be faced with their mortality if they too were brought into and I thank God every single day I came from a family that talked about death as much as we did life. For as much as one there is the other.
Thanks for your thoughts Chen
Tara

newboobs

24242 said:

Interesting Chen,
I believe we all come to this community of support for all sorts of reasons but being connected to those who truly understand is most common. I floundered in the world for several years because no one understood the pain. No one understood the losses I was going through since life as I knew it would never be the same if I survived this dreaded disease. Those who thought I had a good attitude should of seen it from here. I just found myself not being truly honest about how I felt so others didn't experience my pain.
I hear often that I should quit talking about my cancer but you know not much has changed since the day I was diagnosed. In fact those now have to wait for surgery and treatment even if you are at a later stage. I was treated immediately and those days are long gone. We have to look forward to hospital bed shortages and now nursing and doctor shortages, not sure how that is working for us.
I finally came here because I had moved from all my family and friends and could be grateful I was alive but definitely lonely. Here I found people who truly understood what I was going through and oh how that helped. Sharing of information also helped me to realize that there were things I hadn't thought of and needed to.
Families would be faced with their mortality if they too were brought into and I thank God every single day I came from a family that talked about death as much as we did life. For as much as one there is the other.
Thanks for your thoughts Chen
Tara

Chen I know exactly what you are saying. It has been interesting lately because I'm transistioning into a new job and it suddenly hit me that no one there knew me when I was bald...it's a strange feeling! lol

I think cancer becomes part of our identity as we get on with our lives, and I think we try to protect our loved ones from how we identify with other survivors. We try to be "normal" again, which we all know in this secret little subculture that normal is gone. But I work every single day to think positive, help others, and do my best.

seof

I think it becomes part of us, maybe like an alchoholic who is sober for many years. I am a cancer survivor till I die, even after the treatments have done their work and I am in remission. Only alchoholics can truly empathize and identify with alchoholics, and only cancer survivors can truly "know" what it is to be a cancer survivor. Have you tried to get in touch with a local support group for survivors and their families? It may be useful to find one, or create one in your area. Maybe your family members have pushed it away because they don't know what to say or do, or because they are afraid. Getting together with other survivors and their families might help. In any case, I think you should keep on seeking help here from those who do know what it's like.

seof

mc2001

newboobs said:

Chen I know exactly what you are saying. It has been interesting lately because I'm transistioning into a new job and it suddenly hit me that no one there knew me when I was bald...it's a strange feeling! lol

I think cancer becomes part of our identity as we get on with our lives, and I think we try to protect our loved ones from how we identify with other survivors. We try to be "normal" again, which we all know in this secret little subculture that normal is gone. But I work every single day to think positive, help others, and do my best.

Excuse me Miss Newboobs... but Chen is *MY* friend.... so please take your toys and play with someone else!...lol!.. just kidding! In a more serious note, I have heard this concern before. The people around us may feel a bit of resentment because they think they have been replaced. The fact of the matter is that here, we have one thing in common - cancer. We are patients, survivors, and caregivers. We have a common bond. And sometimes, those around us deal with their pain of worry and concern by remaining in denial. It is their sanctuary. It's the old, "If I don't think about it, then it isn't really there." Maybe by reassuring those who are resentful that they have not been replaced, but that you have found a great place for your emotional needs to be met, they might feel better. And if not, then that is their issue that they must resolve. It is not your problem. This site is a great place to find friendship and support. Take care. Have a good day!
-Michael (leukemia survivor)

cabbott

My husband really wants things to be "back to normal" and also seems to be resentful if I'm on the internet too long. I try to schedule my online time to when he's not around as much and that helps both of us get what we want most of the time. He never fully believed I had cancer (I have a right mastectomy and lung cancer to boot!) because he never saw the tumor or saw me sick except from surgery. He actually says the doctors just needed some money to go on vacation. . . There are days when that floors me but other days I just shake my head and go on. Oh well, at least he drives me to the doctor when I need it and he carried the laundry basket when the doctor told him he had to! Somehow we will both get through this. He is the type of person who really needs a regular routine and lots of security. Cancer is anything but safe and secure. Obviously I have to get the emotional stuff elsewhere, but I hear from other friends that after the initial crises most of them found they needed an outside support group because their significant others weren't able to be "everything" for them. It's rough but it helps me to remember that husbands aren't any more perfect than the rest of the human race and they have their needs too.

chenheart

cabbott said:

My husband really wants things to be "back to normal" and also seems to be resentful if I'm on the internet too long. I try to schedule my online time to when he's not around as much and that helps both of us get what we want most of the time. He never fully believed I had cancer (I have a right mastectomy and lung cancer to boot!) because he never saw the tumor or saw me sick except from surgery. He actually says the doctors just needed some money to go on vacation. . . There are days when that floors me but other days I just shake my head and go on. Oh well, at least he drives me to the doctor when I need it and he carried the laundry basket when the doctor told him he had to! Somehow we will both get through this. He is the type of person who really needs a regular routine and lots of security. Cancer is anything but safe and secure. Obviously I have to get the emotional stuff elsewhere, but I hear from other friends that after the initial crises most of them found they needed an outside support group because their significant others weren't able to be "everything" for them. It's rough but it helps me to remember that husbands aren't any more perfect than the rest of the human race and they have their needs too.

WOW EVERYBODY!!! You amaze me, humble me, and certainly help me put things in perspective. Thank you so much . I am touched by your insight,and willingness to share your thoughts with me. I will be judicious and notice the "body language" when talking to the "Muggles" about what life is like here at "Hogwarts"! Thanks again, fellow warriors. I know why I love all of you~ and why I consider you Family.

ireneingeorgia

newboobs said:

Chen I know exactly what you are saying. It has been interesting lately because I'm transistioning into a new job and it suddenly hit me that no one there knew me when I was bald...it's a strange feeling! lol

I think cancer becomes part of our identity as we get on with our lives, and I think we try to protect our loved ones from how we identify with other survivors. We try to be "normal" again, which we all know in this secret little subculture that normal is gone. But I work every single day to think positive, help others, and do my best.

Hey New and Everyone,
I agree it takes a lot of work to feel semi-normal. Nothing is exactly the same, mentally or physically. I too am starting a new job and am almost glad no one knows what I've been through although if asked I always talk about it.

It has been a roller coaster ride of emotions, and on those down days it's been pretty bad. I have a great husband who has stuck by me, changed my dressings on wounds and anything else I needed, but I don't think he fully understands some of the "despair" I have gotten through in the last year.

We can all only do our best to lead normal lives, we're human.
Love
Irene