What is wrong with me????

KierstenRx

Hello everyone,
From previous post you will see that over the past few weeks I have an incision wound that still won't heal (want to send me to a wound clinic), bladder issues (seeing a urologist), fractured my foot Memorial Day weekend. All that being said I still have been taking things in stride, until last night. I have been having major insomnia again and nothing seems to work. I went to relay for life last night which was fabulous. I really enjoyed being a part of it although I didn't do much walking. Anyway when I got home I was getting ready for bed and happened to spot a mole I have never seen before. It is small but raised and very black in color. I immediately freaked out. My husband tried to calm me down and said we will go to the Dr Monday, but my mind is now going crazy thinking about the worst (I have an aunt with melanoma). I have been in a horrible mood ever since and can't seem to stop crying. I have been crying for hours about my mole and other things that have occured over these past 9 months. I can't seem to get a grip. My last treatment is this week and I never thought I would get to this point. Now that I am here I'm totally blue. What is going on??? Did any of you experience fears of other cancers??? Or feel depressed as you came close to getting done with treatment. I am normally upbeat, but I just feel down right now. I thank God every day and am grateful to be here. Thanks for listening.

Kiersten

crazylady

Hi Kiersten,
I don't think there's anything wrong with you. I have felt the same way and I'm sure you'll hear from others who have also.
Finishing chemo was scary to me because I wasn't going to be doing anything but waiting. At least while I was in treatment I felt like I had an active role in keeping cancer away. I didn't know what to do. Yes, I worry more about the spread of cancer than another cancer, but that thought has crossed my mind also. Everytime I have any pain anywhere my first thought is that the cancer has spread. It could be a pain in my big toe, a totally illogical location for the spread of rectal cancer, but I still think it. I also worry about other cancers when I have scans. Sometimes I worry about the treatment causing other cancers. I have learned to laugh at myself about all this, though at times it's difficult to do.

Have you thought about seeing a therapist? That has really helped me. Also, I have been on antidepressants at times and that has helped also.
I think it's natural to worry about these things when facing cancer, especially at the end of treatment when it becomes a waiting game.
Take care of yourself and give yourself a break. It's ok to feel down sometimes!
Jamie

kmygil

Hi Kiersten,

I have been following your posts, and you have every right to have a little meltdown right now. I think you have handled all the mishaps very well, but sometimes the smallest thing is what allows us to release all the tension and stress we have undergone.
You are right to be concerned about the mole, but try not to freak. Whatever happens, you will handle it; you are a survivor! See your doc and get a biopsy done, if only to set your mind at ease.
As far as the post-chemo anxiety, I have read quite a few posts with this "syndrome", and I experienced it myself. "Oh what do I do if I'm not actively fighting the cancer?" Then it occurred to me that living as normal a life as you can and doing things your enjoy as soon as you can IS fighting cancer; its thumbing your nose at the beast! Do your follow ups, don't ignore anything that doesn't seem right, but enjoy your life. You have fought hard for it, so enjoy it and keep telling that cancer to go to Hades!
Stay strong!
Kirsten

vinny3

What you are experiencing is very common. You have gone through alot and any thing else that happens just seems to be piling on. It is healthy and necessary to let the emotions out. I was having some chest discomfort the other day, which I was sure was from drinking too much coffee. However, the thought kept creeping into my mind that my sister had a similiar complaint before she was diagnosed with stomach cancer. Hang in there and your normally optimistic self will return.

****

hopefulone

Hi Kiersten. Sometimes our minds get overloaded with stress and things just pile on top of eachother, and it's sort of like the straw that broke the camel's back. It's hard to be strong all the time. We all need an occasional release.It's a combination of things, you've been thru so much w/the wound healing, bladder problem, foot , treatment coming to an end and now the mole. It's good your having it checked out. My husband had one several years ago . Had it biopsied and it did turn out to be basal cell cancer, which is a "common" type of skin cancer. It was also raised & black and his was large. I hope yours turns out to be nothing at all, but the point is that it was NOT melanoma, which was our assumption when it was discovered. He had it removed in docs office a week after the biopsy and it was fine. Let us know how you make out. God Bless
Diane

jsabol

Hi Kiersten,
what a time of it you've had; sounds like you just hit "overload" last night! I think you said it all when you said "I never thought I would get to this point"....but here you are, nearly done with chemo and about to enter the "waiting room". Others here are right; you have been working so hard to get to this point, and now what? still more anxiety! which is a perfectly natural let-down. (I also found Relay very emotional for me; I couldn't participate my first YEAR out!)
The emotional roller coaster this beast brings is tough, but we've all been there. I will be 3 years post chemo on July 9, and believe me, it gets lots better!
So...get the mole checked, get ready to mark your last treatment, see the wound clinic (they are great), get that foot healed, give yourself credit for handling all this and get ready to live each day of the rest of your life.
If the blues don't start to lift in some weeks, seeing a counselor for support may be worth it (ask your onc's office for a referral).
Hang in there; it gets better and time really does help! Judy

Betsydoglover

Kiersten -

Everyone else has given you good advice. There is nothing "wrong with you" - all of us can only take so much before we reach meltdown.

A word about the mole. Many years ago I had a mole on my arm that suddenly turned black. I freaked. I saw a dermatologist. He removed it, it biopsied as "nothing" and the doc's explanation was that there had been bleeding under the skin which darkened it. I have to believe that was all true since it happened at least 25 years ago.

Take care, please. Everyone is right that stopping chemo, even though it sounds like / is a great thing, is in itself a cause of stress. While on chemo, no matter how unpleasant, you felt like you were "doing something". Off chemo you are in watch and wait mode - it is very stressful, although the stress does diminish with time.

Betsy

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jams67

I've heard what you are experiencing called post tramatic stress. I have a bacterial sinus infection, and it has crossed my mind a few times that surely its a brain tumor, even though I've been to the doc and he assures me, as Arnold would say,"It's not a tumor." What you describe is so normal. Feel free to whine or wine as the case may be.
Jo Ann

KierstenRx

Thank you all for replying. I feel much better since I had my "meltdown". I also finally slept last night for 12 hours straight. That has definitely helped also. I am going to call my Dr tomorrow about the mole, I guess I just need peace of mind.

Kiersten

kathleenss

Kiersten,
Sometimes when we are actively involved in a struggle, like fighting cancer, healing a wound, taking care of bladder issues, healing your foot, dealing with insomnia, we take a strong stance and hang in there for the good fight.

Later, when things are being taken care of, we have the courage to let ourselves fall apart, when we don't need to fight quite so hard at that time. It's like clearing out the cobwebs of our spirits, and it's normal. Sometimes it takes another thing to focus on to stimulate the letting loose, like your mole.

You have come a long way, and you have done it well. You need to release the tension sometimes, and you have done that. With that done, you will carry on as you have done before, and you have done very well. To quote a friend, you would have to be crazy to not be a little crazy over this.

I, too, did very well until I reached the interval before my last 3 chemo treatments, and then, after being strong and fearless and upbeat, I became terrified and depressed. I went, with a great deal of encouragement from friends and family, to the third from the last treatment, and things fell back into place. I'm prepared now for the roller coaster to peak and fall again after I finish the last one. It's just scary. After smashing down the tears for so long, when you finally let them flow, they come out for everything that has happened. Hang in there. You're almost done. God has brought you this far. He's not done with you yet.

nudgie

There is NOT a day that goes by that I don't think about Cancer. Everytime some new ache, paint, bump, headache, etc happens it is the first thing that pops in my mind. I try to get my mind to focus on what I am doing, the last CT scan results (NED), or whatever to just get off my mind, but for our special group it is very hard.

The statement of "Cancer will change your life" is totally true. Once you have been affected by this disease it becomes a part of your life forever.

I am sooo sorry for all the things you are going through right now, but I too visited a dermatoglogist (sp?) for my peace of mind. Had a completed body check and he said all is good. See ya in a year if you wish. He also stated to keep an eye on my body and if I notice something out of the ordinary to call him for another visit.

It is the "peace of mind" that helps us more than anything, so make your appt, see your doctor or dermatologist and get that peace of mind.

Also, to this day, I still feel guilty because I feel good. I know it does not make sense, but to me I guess it is normal because of what we go through.

Remember, GOD does not give us more than we can handle, so he knows you are a VERY strong person.

God Bless

Limey

Hey Kiersten, I am sure you have read enough but i wanted to tell you how quite routine your feeling are. I won't say normal because this whole journey is not normal. I have been on the high and low end of the roller coaster for going on three years. Right now, I feel the best I have felt in almost three ears. So Friday night i am in this horrible funk and can't get out of it. My problem is I don't want this feeling to end. You see, it does not matter where we are at in our journey, cancer has a huge effect on us and sometimes we just must have the right to act more like a monkey than a monkey.
I hope the mole is just a reminent of an M&M
Limey.