Still the family secret

Kathy1108

I posted about how my parent's told me about my cousin that has breast cancer and had double mastectomy. But they did not tell my Aunt about me. I was finally able to get through to my parent that I needed to call my Aunt to help her with her daughter. I have been in contact with my Aunt but she said that she still did not tell her daughter about me. She said that she does not think she could handle it if she knew that it is on both sides of the family. But I could call, like my other Aunts, Uncles and cousins had to send good wishes to her. I hope this does not sound petty but I wish that I had some good wishes from my relatives. The only ones that knows about me is my parent's, brother and his daughter and of course my husband. None of my Aunts, Uncles and/or cousins know about me. I feel like my parents are ashamed of me that I am not perfect and that I am this deep dark secret that they have to keep from everyone. I had breast cancer in 2003, went through a double mastectomy, chemo, and radiation. Unfortunately, my breast cancer came back this time it was on my spine and it is not curable only treatable. I did have 10 radiation treatments on my back. I am in remission now. I have to have PET scan every 6 months to see if I am still in remission. I have that scan coming up soon. I have to go every month for a IV treatment of Aredia for the rest of my life. I do have a hard time from time to time about knowing that I am not going to beat this, this time. My radiologist actually told me when it came back the second time that it was going to get me in the end (I can't say the exact words he said, it is too upseting), but it will be many many years. I just don't know how long that will be. I am on anti-depressant because of this news. My husband has/have been great through all this. He goes to every treatment, doctor appointment, scans. He is my rock, he tries different things to make me happy, like going away to different places. Thanks for listening to me.

Kathy

LesleyH

Dear Kathy -

I'm so glad to hear you are stable. That is wonderful news. Here is to many many more years of good health with your DH! And I hope to celebrate them with you!

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, my husband told half the world and his mother told the other half. I was very upset as I thought it was a very private matter and only I had the right to choose who to tell. I still think that. I tell those who will offer social support and that is really only a few people. Most people have no idea how to respond and make you feel worse.

I think I have found more sympathy and understanding on this board then I ever found from family. Sometimes, family has nothing to do with blood.

We are always here for you, Kathy. Don't hesistate to write when we can celebrate or cry with you.

Hugs.

Lesley

chenheart

God Bless your husband! It has often been said that we choose our friends, but not our relatives! And it seems that your Best Friend BECAME a relative when you married him, and has remained your best friend to this day! I say, lead with your heart, Kathy. You know what the rollercoaster ride is like~and being that you have now survived BC since 2003 ( me too!) you are in a perfect position to encourage your cousin. And, should you decide not to~it wouldn't be a bad idea to tell her you saw a TV ad for what seems to be an amazing site~CSN! And, if she goes in, she will one day see YOU in here! Two birds, one stone and all that.

babs49242

It's sad that you can not get support from other family members cuz of the situation. I think I would invite the cousin out for lunch and say you two have something in common...YOU both are SURVIVORS, but that is my opinion...
many hugs & prayers to and for you during this...
Cindie

Kathy1108

babs49242 said:

It's sad that you can not get support from other family members cuz of the situation. I think I would invite the cousin out for lunch and say you two have something in common...YOU both are SURVIVORS, but that is my opinion...
many hugs & prayers to and for you during this...
Cindie

Can I really call myself a survivor because my breast cancer came back? I was only cancer free for 3 years from 2003 to 2006.
Kathy

LesleyH

Kathy1108 said:

Can I really call myself a survivor because my breast cancer came back? I was only cancer free for 3 years from 2003 to 2006.
Kathy

Yes, Kathy. You are a survivor. Let's celebrate meany more yrars of survivorship.

Hugs.

Lesley

chenheart

Kathy1108 said:

Can I really call myself a survivor because my breast cancer came back? I was only cancer free for 3 years from 2003 to 2006.
Kathy

You absolutely ARE a Survivor! And I'm glad you are staying connected through the discussion boards...the support is great, isn't it? Between this and the chat-room here at CSN, I came through every up and down of this disease. A survivor`just like YOU!

chenheart

Kathy1108 said:

Can I really call myself a survivor because my breast cancer came back? I was only cancer free for 3 years from 2003 to 2006.
Kathy

You absolutely ARE a Survivor! And I'm glad you are staying connected through the discussion boards...the support is great, isn't it? Between this and the chat-room here at CSN, I came through every up and down of this disease. A survivor`just like YOU!

Kitty3571

Kathy,
I'm saddened to read your news of reoccurrence but it seems like you are in good spirits somewhat and have core support with your husband - I disagree that your family should "keep your situation a secret" I also agree that not everyone in the world needs to know, it's true that some people just don't know how to or can't handle that kind of news from someone - They feel helpless, they don't know what to say or do and it can even sometimes put a wedge into a friendship - terrible to think of when you are in your hour of greatest need but it happens! Anyway, as far as your cousins diagnosis, I beleive that telling her should not be your "family's" decision but yours alone - Do you think that discussing it with her would "help" her deal with her own mental health - Would it help you to talk about it to another family member that is going through the same or similar situation? It was over 6 months before I went to my first group meeting for BC becuase I didn't know what to expect - When I finally did, I felt so much better talking to others that have "been there" "done that" maybe not the same as my personal situation but it helped me tremendously - I'm not particually close to a lot of my family anymore in my adulthood like aunts, uncles & cousins especially since I live about 3 hours from all of them but I couldn't imagine them not knowing that I've been diagnosed with cancer - Not to gain their sympathy but just to simply "know about it" After all, they are FAMILY - That is what family is supposed to be for, to be there for you through good and bad - If another member of your family was going through a life threatening matter, would you feel slighted if they didn't tell you? What if they eventually passed away and you never knew at all? Just a few of my personal thoughts on the matter - Hope you find it in your heart on what to do - I pray that you continue to do well and remember that attitude is EVERYTHING - Try and find humor, it's really true that it helps!!! Kitty

Unknown

Hi Kathy,
You sound well and I'm glad your husband is so supportive for you. You do have many years ahead, and as my oncologist tells me, every year brings new hope and actually cures for some kinds of cancers. Were I in your shoes, I would probably tell those family members whom I knew would be supportive. I think it is YOUR decision, not your parent's, not your aunt's. Just know we are here whenever you need to unload. There may be times you don't even feel like sharing with your husband even though he has been such a rock for you. Take care.
Hugs and hugs, Mimi

seof

first of all, you absolutely are a survivor! You still have self-awareness and are able to communicate (in otherwords...you're not dead yet..sorry if that's blunt). Second, It is absolutely your decision who you should tell and who you should not. Three cheers for your husband! Sounds like he is taking the right approach. It also sounds like y'all could use the support and and help of others who know what it's like. I think it would be good for you to try to find some private time for you and your cousin to get together and help each other. Other members of your family...I agree with others who have replied to this...pick and choose those who are most likely to help you. Tell them specifically what they can do to help (help your husband...go with the 2 of you to treatment, bring groceries, cook a dinner and bring it...help with housework/yard work to give you 2 some "me" time....If you don't think you can get that kind of support from them, contact your local branch of the American Cancer Society. They have lots of different types of help to offer, including support groups and people who have walked the same road who can and will listen, talk, or just sit with you...whatever you need. If you have a faith community....let them know what they can do to help too. Sometimes people want to help, but they are scared of the unknow, or just don't know what to do. I'm new to all this, but I don't know what I would do without my family and church. Whey they say to let them know how they can help, I take them at their word!