2 years out--and still feeling sad

bizywizy

Hi its been a while since I've participated in these chats, but I felt the urge to talk to those that have been through what I've been through.

I am 2 years out, on Hormone therapy, and happy to be alive, but sad about the loss of my innocence. If I feel pain, I always wonder is it back? I have a very loving and supportive husband, but I feel I am not the young and sensual woman I was prior to cancer.

Let's just say things have slowed down for me sexually and I don't like it one bit. The night sweats at this young age, well its hard for me to accept that I've been forced into menopause.

I know that this is just another hicccup in this journey, that this too will pass, but I can't help feeling a sense of loss and sadness. Any words of encouragement are appreciated.

marysun

Hi bizywizy. I just celebrated 4 years since my last radiation treatment. May 19 2003 set me free from cancer treatment -- wait, I did do the tamoxifin for 1 1/2 years. I always fought it. I hated the way it made me feel and yes, the sexual thing was only a part of it. Drs insisted I take the drug, I said let me try a different one. Tried femara. What a nightmare. My bone density started to slip, my emotions were out of control. I lasted about 3 month with that. My last try was arimidex. About 6 months into that I said no more. I took my last pill january 31, 2006. The dr said to me "well I can't make you take the medicine" and I said "you are right".

Let me tell you that once you are able to stop the hormone therapy, your feminine concerns will improve. I am now 1 1/2 years from my decision to end the drugs and feel like a regular person these days. Oh, I forgot about the 20 pounds that the tamoxifin left me.
Hope things look up for you. Even now I am reminded daily of my battle with twinges and such. I just make sure I keep my dr appointments and I also make sure that I count my blessings each morning noon and night. I have been to the brink and now find appreciation in the smallest of these earthly wonders.
Good luck to you.
~marysun

muppie

Dear bizywizy - (((HUGS))) Hang in there. Take one day at a time. Yes, things are different - but consider the alternative. I just recently celebrated being a 20 year breast cancer survivor. I had my mastectomy 3 months before my wedding. My wonderful husband made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world on my honeymoon. 3 years later I had to undergo chemo and radiation. Lost my hair. My periods stopped overnight. Yes, things changed - but I was alive! The night sweats, hot flashes, and loss of sexual desire are hard to deal with - but you do learn to cope. Just remember that you are alive and doing the best thing to keep you living cancer free. Hang in there. It does get better. I still worry about it coming back - and in my case it has. But each time because of good doctor monitoring, it has been minor and was easily dealt with. Just enjoy your life. Enjoy your loving and supportive husband. Be thankful for your doctors and the wonderful treatments that are now available.
By the way - I am on femara. Yes, like the last poster had bone density problems - but now take Boniva and calcium supplements. I did put on some pounds - but weightwatchers and water aerobics is helping with that. You can do it! Just hang in there!

cabbott

Cancer diagnosis is one heck of an emotional hurricane and the treatment isn't exactly easy on the mind or the body no matter what treatment you get. The hormone treatments do mess with your sexuality though you can certainly read up on ways to make things better. Take some time to grieve your losses and don't feel guilty about it. Pour your heart out to your support group. Get one if you don't have one or use this one. Your husband is probably already as scared and unsure of things as you are. I don't identify anymore with folks my age who are approaching natural menapause since I was "forced" into it surgically. I know, I signed the papers and I am happy too to be alive, but it comes with a cost. I'm now 4 1/2 years out and the sad times are not as deep or as long. There are a lot more happy times and even days when I don't think about cancer hardly at all. So hang in there and understand that what you are going through is normal. Take it one day at a time. Don't forget to smell the roses along the way. Before long, we'll be the old timers telling the young ones how to deal with rough times. I only hope that they will not have the "beast" to wrestle with then though!!!!

bizywizy

cabbott said:

Cancer diagnosis is one heck of an emotional hurricane and the treatment isn't exactly easy on the mind or the body no matter what treatment you get. The hormone treatments do mess with your sexuality though you can certainly read up on ways to make things better. Take some time to grieve your losses and don't feel guilty about it. Pour your heart out to your support group. Get one if you don't have one or use this one. Your husband is probably already as scared and unsure of things as you are. I don't identify anymore with folks my age who are approaching natural menapause since I was "forced" into it surgically. I know, I signed the papers and I am happy too to be alive, but it comes with a cost. I'm now 4 1/2 years out and the sad times are not as deep or as long. There are a lot more happy times and even days when I don't think about cancer hardly at all. So hang in there and understand that what you are going through is normal. Take it one day at a time. Don't forget to smell the roses along the way. Before long, we'll be the old timers telling the young ones how to deal with rough times. I only hope that they will not have the "beast" to wrestle with then though!!!!

Thank you all so much, I need to make it my business to talk to more survivors. I know that what I am experiencing is normal, like Cabbot said, Cancer racks your emotions.

I will be talking to my Onc about all of this when I see him in a couple of weeks. I'd like to stop taking the meds all together, but the Onc is totally against it. I know its my decision, but I respect my doctor's advice. After all he knows this enemy more than I do.

My hubby and I are working it out, and I know as time goes by it will become easier. Thanks friends for your help!!! I will visit more.

Blessings!!!!

bizywizy

muppie said:

Dear bizywizy - (((HUGS))) Hang in there. Take one day at a time. Yes, things are different - but consider the alternative. I just recently celebrated being a 20 year breast cancer survivor. I had my mastectomy 3 months before my wedding. My wonderful husband made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world on my honeymoon. 3 years later I had to undergo chemo and radiation. Lost my hair. My periods stopped overnight. Yes, things changed - but I was alive! The night sweats, hot flashes, and loss of sexual desire are hard to deal with - but you do learn to cope. Just remember that you are alive and doing the best thing to keep you living cancer free. Hang in there. It does get better. I still worry about it coming back - and in my case it has. But each time because of good doctor monitoring, it has been minor and was easily dealt with. Just enjoy your life. Enjoy your loving and supportive husband. Be thankful for your doctors and the wonderful treatments that are now available.
By the way - I am on femara. Yes, like the last poster had bone density problems - but now take Boniva and calcium supplements. I did put on some pounds - but weightwatchers and water aerobics is helping with that. You can do it! Just hang in there!

Thank you Muppie, you are an inspiration! I hope to one day say as you, "I am 20 years out!" And you are right, I must see that although the Hormone therapy has these affects, it is keeping me cancer free.

Thank you Muppie so much and God bless!

Susan956

Hey Bizywizy,

I like you am about 2 years out... and some days it gets the better of me... But I have decided to work on me to make me feel better.... I now go and get Pedicures and Manicures... (occasionally), I went on the Jenny Craig Diet and lost all of the extra weight and I started dance classes (shag - I am from S.C. and had never learned... it is our state dance.) So in general I have decided to work on taking care of myself... and it has done wonders for making me feel better. I also worked with my Onc on hormone therapy. I started with Arimedex.. then onto femara... and finally found Aromosin... it is much better for me. So if one drug is driving you nuts.. get your Onc to let you try another one... Each one has a slightly different set of side effects and for me the third drug was tolerable while the first 2 I don't think I could have managed to continue them... (night sweats, swelling in my legs & feet, and depression)

So hang in there and know that your feelings are normal.

Take Care... God Bless...

Susan

Unknown

Hi bizywizy,
I don't often hear people talk about the loss of their innocence, but that is exactly how it felt for me too. You know what they always say though about sexuality - that the biggest sex organ is the brain. Sexuality improves once fear recedes into the background. Give yourself time. You sound very wise and together when you talk about this being a hiccup in the journey. For me, the sadness has faded, along with the relentless fear of reoccurance. I trust it will fade for you too, especially once you get off the emotioanal drug induced roller coaster. Hugs - Mimi

cabbott

unknown said:

Hi bizywizy,
I don't often hear people talk about the loss of their innocence, but that is exactly how it felt for me too. You know what they always say though about sexuality - that the biggest sex organ is the brain. Sexuality improves once fear recedes into the background. Give yourself time. You sound very wise and together when you talk about this being a hiccup in the journey. For me, the sadness has faded, along with the relentless fear of reoccurance. I trust it will fade for you too, especially once you get off the emotioanal drug induced roller coaster. Hugs - Mimi

Birth Control pills killed my desire for sex and I didn't even realize what was missing until I went off of them. Tamoxifen is a weak estrogen and messed up my periods, but not my desire. Aromasin(exemestane) has reduced the ability to enjoy things without a lot of help from the drug store. I wish they would invent some cancer treatments that didn't put a damper on a lady's love life(so does my hubbie!). But the research shows it helps keep the "beast" at bay. I'll take the trouble as long as it is the best that we can do....