New here and lost

ica_062301

My mom just found out that her breast cancer has come back. She is only 57 and I am scared to death. My mom has always been the rock of the family and now I am finding that she needs someone else to be her rock. She has only been in remission for 3 years before the cancer came back. I am having a difficult time dealing with all of this. My dad died when I was just 13 and for the longest it has been me and my mom. My sibilings had all moved out and started lives of their own when my dad passed away. I am just now, 13 years later learning to deal with that loss and I am scared that I am going to loose my mom. I am hoping that I can find some support here. My siblings didn't even bother to come and see her the last time she had cancer, so I am guessing that they won't be around this time either. I am really just feeling overwhelmed and I am trying to not let my mom know this.

Susan956

Welcome to our crew. You will find many people who can relate with your Mom here. Not as many of us are caretakers... more of us are cancer survivors ourselves. Let us know if there are specifics that we can help with... and also please do feel free to use this as a place to vent your fears and frustrations... we really do understand...

Take Care... God Bless...

Susan

toninasky

You have to hang in there for the both of you now. I too am a mom, and it was the thought of her worrying about me that kept me up beat. Your mom knows how you feel. She needs your support, and positive thoughts. Don't worry about the siblings. You are what matters, and your relationship with your mom. She survived it once, and she can survive again. Be positive for both of you. Don't be scared, think of it as another challenge. I just finished my treatment for my first breast cancer, and every day that I have free of it, will be a blessing, and if it returns, I will start the battle over again. Be strong. This is a great group to come to with questions, or just for support and venting. Use us often.

Blessings to you and your Mom
Toni

24242

Welcome,
Though it isn't easy to welcome new members since no one wants to meet anymore. I just want to remind you that your mother is one very fortunate woman to have a child that cares so deeply. As much as we want to spare those around us, from our pain, everybody needs somebody...
I know that cancer and other illnesses bring as many people together as splits apart because not everyone is able to cope. That is why we are individuals and all have the same right to make our own choices.
One thing about having support of others is it does actually turn out to help us live longer happier lives, if we allow it.
Be good to yourself along the way because you need the strength to be there for her along the way and that won't be easy.
I am sorry for all you must and have faced,
Tara

KathiM

I have been in both roles, first a caregiver for my mom who has successfully fought endometrial cancer and breast cancer, and then a survivor myself first with colon cancer, then breast cancer. I, too, am a mom.
The MUCH harder job is caregiver. You have to stay supportive and strong, when inside you are crying. But I agree with the others, mom needs to know that you understand, and are not unduly upset...
As I wrote to a gal on the Adult Children board....sadly, life is a process. We can make small changes, but the things that are going to happen, will, regardless of what we want to have happen. Love your mom, tell her everyday.
As far as your siblings...people react differently to cancer. Some are so overwhelmed that they can't be near it. Others, thankfully, like you, pick up the torch and stay close. Don't be too hard on them, it just may be they have a more difficult time admitting their feelings. You might tell them that mom could really use some contact from them....even a card...attitude is everything in this fight!!!!

Hugs to a REAL angel!

Hugs, Kathi

sarbear12

I understand your feeling of being overwhelmed. My mother had breast cancer 10 years ago, then 2 summers ago found out it had come back - and much worse. The cancer has spread to her bones and a few organs. She's been doing chemo for a long time, but she is still considered terminal. [hoping and praying she proves the doctors wrong] my mother is only 48. I feel like she has only lived half her life, and can do so much more. I, being 19, and my younger brother, 17, cant picture life without our mother and dont plan on having to find out what it is like.

I am very glad you are there for your mother, and its okay to let your mom know you are overwhelmed, because i'm sure she is too. Be her rock now. There isnt much you can do about the cancer, but as long as you are there for her and keep her fighting, things will start to get better!

hugs and prayers

Sarah

wimpy

Hi
I was a caregiver to my mother and then got cancer myself a few years later. I think it is much harder to be the caregiver. The sick know where they are at, and understand it perfectly. Caregivers don't understand the mental challenges of the disease and feel guilty and upset for not being able to understand. You are often left feeling overwhelmed and inadequate, like there should be something more you can do. Sometimes the sick are angry or upset and they lay the burden on their caregiver. This is not fair, but sometimes the pain and temporary hopelessness overwhelms them. Just remember that it is not about you. Don't take it personally. Now hopefully all of this that I have said will not happen to you, but be warned...remember that you both know where to find the others hot buttons so try to be gentle with each other, and if either of you drops your guard and a mistake is made, just be forgiving. Someone's illness doesn't change the nature of our relationship with people and mistakes will likely be made on both sides. Don't beat yourself up if you are not perfect and saintly every day.

Wimpy

ica_062301

wimpy said:

Hi
I was a caregiver to my mother and then got cancer myself a few years later. I think it is much harder to be the caregiver. The sick know where they are at, and understand it perfectly. Caregivers don't understand the mental challenges of the disease and feel guilty and upset for not being able to understand. You are often left feeling overwhelmed and inadequate, like there should be something more you can do. Sometimes the sick are angry or upset and they lay the burden on their caregiver. This is not fair, but sometimes the pain and temporary hopelessness overwhelms them. Just remember that it is not about you. Don't take it personally. Now hopefully all of this that I have said will not happen to you, but be warned...remember that you both know where to find the others hot buttons so try to be gentle with each other, and if either of you drops your guard and a mistake is made, just be forgiving. Someone's illness doesn't change the nature of our relationship with people and mistakes will likely be made on both sides. Don't beat yourself up if you are not perfect and saintly every day.

Wimpy

Thank you for all of your support and encouragement.

seof

ica_062301 said:

Thank you for all of your support and encouragement.

My Sister was diagnosed with breast cancer on 1998 at the age of 39. She has a husband and 4 kids. She went through surgery, chemo, radiation, remission, recurrence, more radiation and chemo, then went to live cancer free with Jesus in 2003. Her husband and kids and our Mom and Dad were her major caregivers because my ohter sister and I were too far away. I have been diagnosed (may 2007). I have a very supportive husband, kids, and church community. I am afraid of leaving my family and putting my Sister and parents through another death. At this point, there is no medical, logical reason to expect that the planned treatment of chemo, surgery, chemo, and radiation will not result in long-term remission, but the fear remains. I just have to remind myself that my feelings do not determine reality, God does. Seek out whatever help you can find and let people know specifically what they can do to help, when they offer. Sometimes it can relieve stress to let someone else bring dinner to your house, or let them clean the house for you while you take a walk around the block, or just sit on the porch and sip tea. Or maybe you just need someone to sit quietly and sip tea with you. Sharing silence with someone who cares is very scary in today's loud society, but it can be very refreshing, once you get used to it.