Recouping . . . sort of

OregonSeaStar

Okay, I had a mastectomy in September (right side), followed by surgery 10 days later for a huge hematoma, then had a port put in about a month later. Chemo followed - November through January. Last Wednesday (March 21) I had a second mastectomy (left side) and port removed. This recovery is going fairly well except for a large seroma close to my left underarm; will find out on Friday what the surgeon wants to do about it - either leave it and have it resolve itself or drain it.

I'm doing pretty well, I guess, BUT . . . . my hair has just begun to come in and I sort of look like an aging punker, I've lost more than 60 lbs since September, and I'm flatter than I remember ever being since I was 9 years old. I look in the mirror and wonder who in hell that person is staring back at me!

I'm trying so hard to be hopeful and look towards a future without anymore treatments or surgery. But, at almost 60, I seem to be having some sort of identity crisis! And, of course, the Edwards' development has me very spooked.

How have you ladies handled the body changes and the end of active treatment? 'Course I still have all the scheduled check-ups with onc. and surgeon, but I kind of feel like I've been released like a balloon to find my way . . . . bald and mascarading as some version of myself as seen in a carnival fun-house!

RNHF1986

You sound like you know what to do--express yourself and feelings to others. This discussion board has helped me immensely and I just started posting a couple of months ago. I am 2+ years out from diagnosis/bilateral. I have always found that the aftermath is harder for me. I usually make it through the treatment with my sanity intact (with help from family and friends), but tend to fall to pieces after the treatment and surgeries are over. I feel somewhat guilty when I walk into the cancer center now with hair and feeling well. It's hard to face the others when you know they are trying to fight one of the toughest opponents of all.

I'm still not used to my new body, but have become more comfortable with it if that makes sense. I basically have decided that I can't be the old Becky I used to be and that that's okay, though I must admit everyday to myself that I do miss my breasts! The hair thing was almost worse than losing my breasts in the beginning of the battle. Hair is something people identify you with and you have probably spent your whole life tending (all those haircuts, perms, styles). It's something that is noticed immediately if it has changed (wig) or obviously if it isn't there anymore. I did buy a wig, but wore it rarely. I mostly wore my scarves and baseball hats. I didn't ever "feel" pretty though. I know there are programs called "look good, feel good" that are supposed to help with your appearance. Ask the cancer center you go to if they have that in your area. They give all kinds of make-up and "hair" tricks you can use. I never went to any so you would have to ask someone who has gone whether or not it was worth it.

I just have to say that it's alright whatever you're feeling--even if what you're feeling changes minutely. I think we all feel thankful for each day, but that doesn't mean that each day isn't difficult for one reason or another. Do something for yourself if you can. Read, exercise when you're ready, sleep, love, enjoy, cry, shout, dance, sing, just be......

We'll all be here to listen (and to blab on, too!)

The Edwards' thing has a lot of us spooked. She appears to be so strong though. I hope I can be, too.

Thinking of you,

Becky

KathiM

Not only do I sport a blue stain, and a scar on my breast, but also my full 'stem to stern' scar from my resection.
I laughed alot. With other people at myself. I LOVE your 'aging rock star'....THAT'S the attitude!!!!!
Realize that you need to look in that mirror, and congratulate the image staring back....A successful warrior, returning home from battle!

Rememeber the (sometimes tired) favorite expression of we survivors....the "new normal". I have kept my hair short (altho one gal decided to take me back to chemo growout length...won't be using HER again!!!!), and my personality changes, the nice ones, as well.

You WILL grow to accept your body changes...you have been fighting so hard...well...you had no time.

I believe that Elizabeth (and Tony Snow, with his colon reocurrance) just didn't learn the lesson on the first go-round. STRESS. Eliminate it, or get another visit from the beast. Eating like momma taught you....the 4 food groups, lots of high colored fruits and vegies...in the original packages...

Hugs to a VICTORIOUS SURVIVOR!!!!!

Kathi

LesleyH

Hi, and congratulations on finishing those battles. And every phase is a battle in the war! I also lost weight - 20 pounds, but I was thin to start with. I do enjoy fitting into a size zero now. I hated losing my hair, and I'm not really happy with what grew back, but I can live with it. We need time to mourn for what we lost. I think about it less and less now. I still am afraid, but I have tried to make the changes that minimize the risk. I know nothing eliminates it, but I do what I can. I used to worry about making long-term plans, and now I buy groceries by the case - I know I'm going to get to use them up. I started a new quilt and a new job.

Hugs.

Lesley

KathiM

LesleyH said:

Hi, and congratulations on finishing those battles. And every phase is a battle in the war! I also lost weight - 20 pounds, but I was thin to start with. I do enjoy fitting into a size zero now. I hated losing my hair, and I'm not really happy with what grew back, but I can live with it. We need time to mourn for what we lost. I think about it less and less now. I still am afraid, but I have tried to make the changes that minimize the risk. I know nothing eliminates it, but I do what I can. I used to worry about making long-term plans, and now I buy groceries by the case - I know I'm going to get to use them up. I started a new quilt and a new job.

Hugs.

Lesley

Lesley!

And how IS the new job????? It is so good to hear you are well. I STILL need to visit...I have much too much 'spare' cash...hehehehehe

Hugs, kathi