OK, Girls I need Help...

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Susan956
Susan956 Member Posts: 510
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Ok, I have thought about this for the last couple of days and decided to get some advice from you girls. For the first time since I fought and won with the beast, I am dating a guy who has no idea that I fought this battle. We have gone out two times and seem to really like each other. Tonight we are going to go out again. Well I am sure by now you have guessed the question... When do I tell him. It seems silly to tell him too soon.... but... It also seems like the battle with the beast became so much of who I am... that to leave it out doesn't seem right. Like I am hiding it. Which I never did. I was very open about my battle at work and with my friends. I am basically an honest person... you get exactly what I am... fairly unvarnished.. Had he known me a year ago, I would have been bald and sick. I only met him a coupe of weeks ago... I guess I can call him a Christmas present of hope. (My mate died 4 years ago... and haven't found that special man since.)

As I guess you can tell I am just rambling.... I would hate for him to walk if I tell him... but if he does then he obviously wouldn't be the man that I think he is.

So have any of you guys dealt with this. Guess I am just looking for a little reinforcement.

Take Care All.... Such a silly thing to worry about... You know... after beating the beast this should be so easy...

Susan

Comments

  • karenack
    karenack Member Posts: 90
    #2
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    Susan, You have always given me great advice and I hope that I can return the favor. I know that, in my case, BC has become a part of who I am. Not sharing this would be like hiding a part of your being. I think that I would let him know. If he is the right kind of man for you, he will embrace this part of you and your stock should rise greatly that you were able to fight a courageous battle. He should be even more proud of having you as a love interest. In my opinion, if it causes him to shy away from you, you don't need him in your life. Anyway, that's my opinion. I hope it helps!
  • susabella
    susabella Member Posts: 46
    #3
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    Hi Susan,
    Not at all a silly thing to worry about! Obviously you like him or you wouldn't be dating him. You are afraid he will disappoint you with his reaction. You may find he will rise to the occasion, and really impress you. It may be that he has experience with the beast in his own life, be it a relative or friend of his own. If he disappoints you, you'll know what he's made of too, and can move on. We all want normal problems like these, instead of dealing with our often overwhelming ones. I'm happy for you that you have a "normal" issue like this. Life does go on! Good for you. It shows you're taking a risk and living a good life, putting yourself out there. Isn't that the point? :) Good luck with the talk. He should know what a great gal he's seeing, and how strong!
    Have a wonderful evening!

    Hugs,
    Susan
  • Susan956
    Susan956 Member Posts: 510
    #4
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    Karen & Susan,

    Thanks so much for the feedback. Just needed to hear it from someone else. So we will see how it goes tonight.... I will hope that he steps up and hits a home run.... if not...Oh well... Life will go on....

    Take Care..

    Susan
  • lovonna
    lovonna Member Posts: 78
    #5
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    Susan, I am writing this a little late and you might already be on your way out the door. Regardless of when you read this, I believe I would share this major part of your life with him. You may in the process learn something new about his.

    I have always been proud of your battle against the beast, but now I am even "prouder" of you knowing you fought this without a partner. I am happy for you and sincerely hope your "Christmas present of hope" leads to happiness in the future.

    Take Care, LoVonna
  • Susan956
    Susan956 Member Posts: 510
    #6
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    Thanks All,

    Well I worked up the courage and talked to Dewayne about my battle with the beast.... and no he didn't go walking or running away.... He seemed to take it in stride and just think that I was a stronger more independent woman than he thought. It was a great night.... and early one since he worked today... I played hooky from work... But he called tonight after he left and had me laughing and set up another date for tomorrow night.... So maybe LaVonna... he will be my Christmas Present of Hope Thanks to all of you for your encouragement. This place let's me feel like I have a family that totally gets it .....

    Thanks again... So much

    Take care... God Bless...

    Susan
  • LesleyH
    LesleyH Member Posts: 370
    #7
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    Susan956 said:

    Thanks All,

    Well I worked up the courage and talked to Dewayne about my battle with the beast.... and no he didn't go walking or running away.... He seemed to take it in stride and just think that I was a stronger more independent woman than he thought. It was a great night.... and early one since he worked today... I played hooky from work... But he called tonight after he left and had me laughing and set up another date for tomorrow night.... So maybe LaVonna... he will be my Christmas Present of Hope Thanks to all of you for your encouragement. This place let's me feel like I have a family that totally gets it .....

    Thanks again... So much

    Take care... God Bless...

    Susan

    What a lovely story. It's a Christmas present to all of us. He sounds like a keeper.

    Hugs.

    Lesley
  • kathydaly
    kathydaly Member Posts: 81
    #8
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    LesleyH said:

    What a lovely story. It's a Christmas present to all of us. He sounds like a keeper.

    Hugs.

    Lesley

    Hi Susan,

    You blessed, wonderful woman. I am so late reading this, It was a Christmas story for me!

    I am so proud of you, I wonder how you went about saying it?
    Did he have previous experience w/relative or not?

    The thing, I think maybe, is that this disease robs us physically and psychcologically of our woman's outer accoutrements at least it has for me, sadly. I was told early on by my 1st breast surgeon, that most husbands can't handle BC. Many many women end up divorced. I am still married, but my husband hasn't touched me in 14 yrs. He is one of the one's who can't handle it.

    Susan, this is a special man, whether he will be your special man is yet for you to see, but no matter what he is a man extrodinaire among men.

    What a relief it must be to have told YOUR truth.

    I thought for a long time, if I ever did get divorced no one would ever want me again, I know that's not true anymore, but I do think he would be hard to find. So, do I think this is/was a silly thing to be worrying about, NO FREAKING WAY, lol.

    To be hugged by someone who wants me is probably the most important thing I wish for.

    God Bless you and keep you AND Dewayne.

    Kathy
  • Susan956
    Susan956 Member Posts: 510
    #9
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    kathydaly said:

    Hi Susan,

    You blessed, wonderful woman. I am so late reading this, It was a Christmas story for me!

    I am so proud of you, I wonder how you went about saying it?
    Did he have previous experience w/relative or not?

    The thing, I think maybe, is that this disease robs us physically and psychcologically of our woman's outer accoutrements at least it has for me, sadly. I was told early on by my 1st breast surgeon, that most husbands can't handle BC. Many many women end up divorced. I am still married, but my husband hasn't touched me in 14 yrs. He is one of the one's who can't handle it.

    Susan, this is a special man, whether he will be your special man is yet for you to see, but no matter what he is a man extrodinaire among men.

    What a relief it must be to have told YOUR truth.

    I thought for a long time, if I ever did get divorced no one would ever want me again, I know that's not true anymore, but I do think he would be hard to find. So, do I think this is/was a silly thing to be worrying about, NO FREAKING WAY, lol.

    To be hugged by someone who wants me is probably the most important thing I wish for.

    God Bless you and keep you AND Dewayne.

    Kathy

    Kathy,
    Thanks.... I don't quite know how I told him... it took me most of the night...to work up my courage but then it just kind of rolled out on the table... and it was so easy to talk about... He didn't seem to have any family or friends who had had to battle the beast... But he just took it in stride last night. He just left a few minutes ago He came over, I fixed him dinner, we watch a movie at home and then watched the end of a football game together. It felt so wonderful to lay my head on his shoulder and watch the movie.... As we were fixing dinner, he brought the topic back up tonight.. I think just trying to get a fell for how I dealt with it... and for him it appeared that he couldn't imagine that I could deal with it like a bump in the road of my life... but I told him... when you are faced with the beast... it lets you learn about strengths that you never though you had.

    Kathy,
    Also just because you have had to fight with the beast does not make you an unattractive woman. I was dating another man when I was diagnosed... and we stayed together until after treatment was finished. We drifted apart because we wanted different things in life... he a friend... me a long time mate... While starting a new relationship is hard... I think a large majority of men can deal with this desease. Sometimes I think men stop trying because they thing that they are making it harder on us. Don't know if you husband will get help with you together... but if not you may want to get help... It is no fun to live in a relationship where love does not abound...

    Take Care... God Bless....

    Susan
  • kathydaly
    kathydaly Member Posts: 81
    #10
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    Susan956 said:

    Kathy,
    Thanks.... I don't quite know how I told him... it took me most of the night...to work up my courage but then it just kind of rolled out on the table... and it was so easy to talk about... He didn't seem to have any family or friends who had had to battle the beast... But he just took it in stride last night. He just left a few minutes ago He came over, I fixed him dinner, we watch a movie at home and then watched the end of a football game together. It felt so wonderful to lay my head on his shoulder and watch the movie.... As we were fixing dinner, he brought the topic back up tonight.. I think just trying to get a fell for how I dealt with it... and for him it appeared that he couldn't imagine that I could deal with it like a bump in the road of my life... but I told him... when you are faced with the beast... it lets you learn about strengths that you never though you had.

    Kathy,
    Also just because you have had to fight with the beast does not make you an unattractive woman. I was dating another man when I was diagnosed... and we stayed together until after treatment was finished. We drifted apart because we wanted different things in life... he a friend... me a long time mate... While starting a new relationship is hard... I think a large majority of men can deal with this desease. Sometimes I think men stop trying because they thing that they are making it harder on us. Don't know if you husband will get help with you together... but if not you may want to get help... It is no fun to live in a relationship where love does not abound...

    Take Care... God Bless....

    Susan

    Dear Susan,

    What a great date, sounds perfect to me. I would think it strange if he didn't bring the topic back up. He will have to have questions, yes?

    And yes, it did take me awhile to see myself, a breastless, reconfigured(sort of, no nipples)woman, as someone who could be attractive to a man. Of course the situation at home didn't help. For 5 yrs. I was very sick, and by then I had been seeing a therapist at Sloan. He wouldn't see anyone. I even went to a marriage counselor for 1 1/2 yrs by myself. However 2 yrs ago , when the 2nd bout occurred, and he was terrible I did tell him to pack a bag and get out or start seeing someone for help. I gave him 48hrs. He has been seeing someone since then. Things are better for sure. This 3rd time he was much better. He is devoted to the kids, he is a hard worker and we're Catholic. However, my priest told me I could divorce him and get an annulment easily, he wasn't teaching his children how you love someone.

    I'm 54 yrs. old now, but I don't know what the future holds. And for now he is responding to some hugs and kisses and holding my hand at night in bed, if I need him to. And, talking, not just being stuck in his depression. He won't take any anti-depressants but he does work-out and that seems to help him enormously.

    So, for now, it's in God's hands.
    Thank you Susan, for your concern, it is a conundrum , but I'm so happy your's isn't, lol.

    You go out there and ENJOY!!(or stay in)

    Love and Hugggs, Kathy

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