re: Bringing up wills, etc. without creating fear

musiclover

My friend Mark does not have a will or a financial POA. I have offered to be his executor - he didn't even know what that was. My concern is that just bringing this subject up will create more stress for him. He wrote a will before his surgery but it got stolen along with more of his belongings from my car (while I was visiting him in the hospital. Can you think of a more evil thing to do?). Since then he's been in various stages of feeling lousy and normal and neither time seems appropriate to bring this up.

It needs to be done - he owns property that he does want to leave to people. I want to do what ever I can to put his mind at ease. He's so focused on staying positive and hanging onto hope (which I am so grateful for) that practical things like writing a will seem trivial. Plus I'm sure it takes him to a place he doesn't want to be - thinking about not being here.

Any thoughts on this? When is a good time to bring this up? He just had some rotten news so now doesn't seem good. I've had so many people disappear on me lately so suddenly that I feel urgent about everything in life now. I don't want anything to wait. Thanks.

Patrusha

I have a thought, musiclover, one right from your own heart. Pick up one of those will kits at Office Max or whereever and present it to him as a gift. Tell him you're worried that his property will go to the state and not where he wants it to go in the event that, well, he knows....

Offer to help him fill out the new one and keep it in a safe place so it doesn't get stolen.

You're a great friend. I am sure Mark will see your intentions in all of this and he will respond well.

houseofclay

Sorry to hear about the theft at the hospital. I think writing a will does not mean all hope is lost. A will is something we all should have--having cancer just makes it seem more immediate. Encouraging Mark to handle these items of business now before it might seem more necessary might be easier than you think. I think there are appropriate ways to broach the subject--more along the lines of asking if you can help him getting affairs in order while he is feeling relatively good (I know the last few weeks his cancer has not been responding to treatment) instead of waiting until he feels really rotten. He knows you love and care for him, so I really doubt you will upset him by suggesting this. Who else in his life is going to ask him about tough things that need to be done. You have done a great job caring for him and you will do just fine with this, too.

jams67

Sometimes when you feel the way Mark does the overwhelming fatigue keeps you from doing or even wanting to think of anything difficult. Bring up the subject and help with it in any way you can. Call and make the appointment with the attorney, take him there, or buy the paperwork and then take it to the attorney so that it is done legally. We probably have some CSN attornys out there. Just know fatigue is more than likey playing a part here. jams

vinny3

You have gotten good advice here. I put off making a will for 30 years, until I was diagnosed with cancer. It is his way to ensure that his wishes are carried out. It does not mean he is ready to die. But that is something we all face, one could walk outside and get hit by a car. He (we) should also have a living will so our wishes are carried out if we are incapacitated.

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AuthorUnknown

Kathryn,

You could try this. You could get 2 will kits and tell him that both of you need to do this so that everything is protected. You could say that even you yourself are doing it and also refer to other absolutely healthy people who prepare these documents. Maybe this way he would not feel that this is directed towards him only.

It also is good idea to put a property into the trust, otherwise if something happens, the state will take over and it takes time to get it back even with the will.

Be persistent and good luck to you.

Eleonora