Uterine cancer-how do you deal with all the emotions after??

willsrose

Hi
I was diagnosed with Stage 2a Uterine cancer in February, 2006. I was only 39 at the time and I was only going to the doctor to find out why I havent been able to get pregnant. I was so shocked when I found out that: First, I had cancer and second, I was never going to have children. I wanted a baby so bad and I still do. I see a baby in a store and my heart just breaks all over again. People must think I am heartless when I try to turn away and keep from crying. I had always been told that I had plenty of time, then when I reached 36 a doctor told me I better hurry, I wasnt getting much younger. I had always has trouble with my periods, but I didnt think much was wrong. I had always been told that I just needed my hormone levels checked. When I first went to the doctor and mentioned that I was having problems with bleeding, she just shrugged it off and said that it was my endometrial tissue shedding some of the extra blood. This kept up for quite a while. I finally had enough and went to another doctor. From the second I walked into her office, she actually knew something was wrong. She listened and sent me to a gyno. What I didnt know, and she told me later is that her sister had Uterine cancer, and she suspected that this was what I had. Her sister was only 1 month away from her 5 year anniversary and she passed away, the cancer had returned.
I ended up having a total hysterectomy in March. I was told that the cancer hadnt spread but was advised to take radiation.
I am finally done with that, I ended in July. I am such a horrible emotional basket case. I cry at the drop of a hat, I am very depressed. My doctor isnt sure that he wants to put me on hormones since we have a family history of breast cancer. Everyone seems to have an opinion on that one. We are having quite a bit of financial difficulty since all of this started. I was fired from my job the day after learning of my diagnosis. I worked for this company for 5 years and never took more than a day or 2 off of work. It wasnt much of a job, but at least I had one. My husband was unemployed, so this made matters worse. We are close to eviction with no help in sight. On top of all my other problem, I really am a total mess.
I just need a place to talk to someone who has gone through what I have. My family has tried to be supportive, but they dont fully understand all of this. I really hope that this can help me deal with my emotions. I really need someone to talk to and I really appreciate your web site.
Thank you

HeartJourney1

Hi Willsrose.

I can identify with much of what you are feeling. I too wanted a child dearly and now, that hope is forever gone. How to deal with that? Time. Time is the only thing that is helping me. Right after my surgery, the first babies I saw, I had to turn away. I couldn't smile and coo and tell the mom how adorable their baby was... like I used to...it was just too painful. In fact, the pregnancy test they perform immediately prior to surgery had me hoping. I knew that there was that slim chance. But of course, it was negative. And I cried.

Now, 2 months later, I find myself not turning away. True, I don't fawn on the babies I see and chat with their moms but I'm hoping that soon, one day soon I will again.

Time.

For my job, I had worked my fingers to the nubs, pouring my heart and soul into my job of 2 years, helping my boss build his new business into a force in our area. We provide in home caregivers and the patients we get and their families, well, I was always very involved and caring. And when I started with his company, it was him... and then him and me. And his company went from being a 300,000 a year in sales after 3 years of him... to almost a million 2 years later. I know that I did that! 2 months out of work and I've come back to a wreck. The caring is gone, we have lost clients and good workers, and now, he wants to expand into a new area and I'm supposed to take over the original and rebuild it. Um.... I'm not too happy.

Your boss had no right to fire you because of your diagnosis. That's illegal. Go for unemployment. Check around your area - there are a lot of places to get help financially, with food and utilities, job training. You can do it!

Begin to realize how strong you are. YOU HAVE SURVIVED. NOW IT'S TIME TO BEGIN TO THRIVE! I myself have never wanted to be defined by having had cancer, I don't want to be a "survivor". I want to be a Thriver! And I try. And then I have my crying jags, my sweats and chills, my pains, my horrible fear of recurrence (I'm trying to deal with my positive idea that I will NOT survive 5 years)... it's tough. I know. We all know here.

I'm glad you found this place. I know I'm glad I found it! Just being able to "talk" with others who truly KNOW... that alone comforts me. I pray it will comfort you also.

So yes, I can identify and I can tell you that it gets better. And I don't say that lightly. I was absolutely positive I would never return to myself. And I still know that. But I am learning that I now have the chance to be, as a dear friend put it, delightfully different. It's hard work. But when I'm NOT having my crying jags, etc., I'm grinning. I'm loving being alive. I saw a sunset tonight that was spectacular and I couldn't help but praise God for His beautiful gift!

Yea, I sound manic LOL Somedays I think I am! But slowly, oh soooo slowly, I'm reinventing myself. And you will too. You'll find yourself and it will be a new you, the wonderful qualities that were gifts from above are still there inside you and they will return! And you will be different. Not worse. Just different.

So after writing a book LOL to answer your question of how do you deal... time, prayer, patience, trying to love myself, trying to take care of myself, trying, trying... always trying. Some days it's harder than others. But that means some days are easier than others too.

Hang in there. Be gentle with yourself. Keep posting, keep letting it out, over and over as much and as many times as necessary. I'll keep listening. And I know a lot of others are too.

Be blessed.

willsrose

HeartJourney1 said:

Hi Willsrose.

I can identify with much of what you are feeling. I too wanted a child dearly and now, that hope is forever gone. How to deal with that? Time. Time is the only thing that is helping me. Right after my surgery, the first babies I saw, I had to turn away. I couldn't smile and coo and tell the mom how adorable their baby was... like I used to...it was just too painful. In fact, the pregnancy test they perform immediately prior to surgery had me hoping. I knew that there was that slim chance. But of course, it was negative. And I cried.

Now, 2 months later, I find myself not turning away. True, I don't fawn on the babies I see and chat with their moms but I'm hoping that soon, one day soon I will again.

Time.

For my job, I had worked my fingers to the nubs, pouring my heart and soul into my job of 2 years, helping my boss build his new business into a force in our area. We provide in home caregivers and the patients we get and their families, well, I was always very involved and caring. And when I started with his company, it was him... and then him and me. And his company went from being a 300,000 a year in sales after 3 years of him... to almost a million 2 years later. I know that I did that! 2 months out of work and I've come back to a wreck. The caring is gone, we have lost clients and good workers, and now, he wants to expand into a new area and I'm supposed to take over the original and rebuild it. Um.... I'm not too happy.

Your boss had no right to fire you because of your diagnosis. That's illegal. Go for unemployment. Check around your area - there are a lot of places to get help financially, with food and utilities, job training. You can do it!

Begin to realize how strong you are. YOU HAVE SURVIVED. NOW IT'S TIME TO BEGIN TO THRIVE! I myself have never wanted to be defined by having had cancer, I don't want to be a "survivor". I want to be a Thriver! And I try. And then I have my crying jags, my sweats and chills, my pains, my horrible fear of recurrence (I'm trying to deal with my positive idea that I will NOT survive 5 years)... it's tough. I know. We all know here.

I'm glad you found this place. I know I'm glad I found it! Just being able to "talk" with others who truly KNOW... that alone comforts me. I pray it will comfort you also.

So yes, I can identify and I can tell you that it gets better. And I don't say that lightly. I was absolutely positive I would never return to myself. And I still know that. But I am learning that I now have the chance to be, as a dear friend put it, delightfully different. It's hard work. But when I'm NOT having my crying jags, etc., I'm grinning. I'm loving being alive. I saw a sunset tonight that was spectacular and I couldn't help but praise God for His beautiful gift!

Yea, I sound manic LOL Somedays I think I am! But slowly, oh soooo slowly, I'm reinventing myself. And you will too. You'll find yourself and it will be a new you, the wonderful qualities that were gifts from above are still there inside you and they will return! And you will be different. Not worse. Just different.

So after writing a book LOL to answer your question of how do you deal... time, prayer, patience, trying to love myself, trying to take care of myself, trying, trying... always trying. Some days it's harder than others. But that means some days are easier than others too.

Hang in there. Be gentle with yourself. Keep posting, keep letting it out, over and over as much and as many times as necessary. I'll keep listening. And I know a lot of others are too.

Be blessed.

I broke down last weekend, I was so upset. My husband and I were at his parents and all of his family was there. All his neices and nephews. I was having a great time watching them with a frog that we caught. Everyone left and we were driving home, I just lost it. It suddenly hit me that I may have deprived my husband and myself of the opportunity to ever have children. I feel so guilty, like there was something that I could and should have done to prevent all of this. I dont know, maybe I should have gone to the doctor sooner. Maybe pressed the matter further, made them look harder, anything. I am so frustrated at the thought that for the last 12 years I have been wanting answers to my questions and have been ignored. My periods have never really been regular. I was always told that this was just a hormone imbalance. I thought that I would go to the doctor, they would run a few tests and by summer everything would be good and I would be looking for baby clothes. I was so wrong. My new doctor did save my life, I owe her that.
I guess it really didnt hit me until them how much I really wanted a baby of my own. At the time of my diagnosis I just wanted the "thing" out that was trying to kill me. I was happy to have the ordeal over with. I was feeling better, even with my radiation. ( I really didnt care for the HDR'S!) Now a few months after everything has calmed down, it his me what has really happened. My husband has been great through all of this. I was his main concern and he watches over me. I know he loves me and I never doubt that.
I have my brothers 2 beautiful children that I try so see every weekend. My sister has so much going on that I dont get to see my nephews very much. I miss them!
I know that they say time heals all wounds. Its been hard, I know it will get better. I really appreciate this web site.
THANK YOU !!