Life after treatment

youngibc

Could anyone please tell me how to get through the day without every thought revolving around breast cancer. I was diagnosed in July 05', I was pregnant, 6 weeks away from delivery and only 32 years old. I had stage 4 Inflammatory Breast Cancer. I had 6 months radiation, followed by surgery (mastectomy) and the removal of all of my lymph nodes on the right side, 59, yes I said 59 lymph nodes (all negative) I then went through 6 weeks of radiation. My last treatment was July 31, 2006. I am cancer free at this point, however, the anxiety attacks are taking over. I live on Ativan. My mother passed away when I was 23, so please, can anyone tell me why I am so stressed. I am alive after all.

KathiM

Time. Best healer. But accepting the fact that the beast walks 1 foot behind you forever. I just finished my breast cancer treatment, following 3 months on the heels of my rectal cancer.
I, too, am stumbling...but I REFUSE to give the beast another day!!!!!! I look for something every day to make me laugh....and have been successful so far.
Being release NED from a cancer fight leaves us like when we graduated from high school....we worked so hard for so long, and now there is nothing scheduled for us to do...very wonderful, but also very scary. We can't become the person we were....we have had to many experiences in our fighting time....
My advice right now is what I am doing...breathing....grateful to breathe...also accepting the fact that the beast/cancer walks a foot behind....I WILL NOT let it walk any closer!!!!!

Hugs, Kathi

littleladi

Time. I agree. I had breast cancer, 2 years of being a 'survivor', then had it again and had to start over with the idea that I am cancer free. I do have days that I don't think of it much. I will never be able to leave it behind. It's in the way my body looks, the way my clothes fit, the exercises I do. It's in the plan for one more operation, not even to be scheduled until December. But it's not in every waking thought. I do all I can to fill the days, bring into my life things I used to put off until later. Let time pass. Don't just let life fill in the blanks - encourage it.
Janine

youngibc

littleladi said:

Time. I agree. I had breast cancer, 2 years of being a 'survivor', then had it again and had to start over with the idea that I am cancer free. I do have days that I don't think of it much. I will never be able to leave it behind. It's in the way my body looks, the way my clothes fit, the exercises I do. It's in the plan for one more operation, not even to be scheduled until December. But it's not in every waking thought. I do all I can to fill the days, bring into my life things I used to put off until later. Let time pass. Don't just let life fill in the blanks - encourage it.
Janine

Everybody says time. I do agree, but I too am faced with one more surgery in December. RECONSTRUCTION. I am very much looking forward to that. I try to joke and think "How many 33 yr olds get a tummy tuck and a boob job" However, it scares me that now that I am done with treatment we are nut running a series of tests just to make sure. Everytime I have one single pain I think " Oh god, the cancer spread there" I am so tired and I know that I need to finally start to lose my post baby and chemo weight. I have gained 55 pounds since my treatment began, not doing much for the self esteem. Oh, and my hair, prior to chemo I had waste length beautiful hair. Now I have some type of GI Jane spike going on. Does anybody know anything about hair extensions. How do I deal with the fatigue. Remember, I am the mother of an 8yr old, and 1 yr old. Thank you everyone for listening to me vent. Even though I have the world's best husband, I do not want him to see me weak.

KathiM

youngibc said:

Everybody says time. I do agree, but I too am faced with one more surgery in December. RECONSTRUCTION. I am very much looking forward to that. I try to joke and think "How many 33 yr olds get a tummy tuck and a boob job" However, it scares me that now that I am done with treatment we are nut running a series of tests just to make sure. Everytime I have one single pain I think " Oh god, the cancer spread there" I am so tired and I know that I need to finally start to lose my post baby and chemo weight. I have gained 55 pounds since my treatment began, not doing much for the self esteem. Oh, and my hair, prior to chemo I had waste length beautiful hair. Now I have some type of GI Jane spike going on. Does anybody know anything about hair extensions. How do I deal with the fatigue. Remember, I am the mother of an 8yr old, and 1 yr old. Thank you everyone for listening to me vent. Even though I have the world's best husband, I do not want him to see me weak.

I lost some of my long hair to the rectal cancer treatment. Had it cut short, being told that those chemos just are hair thinning. Figured I had dodged THAT bullet....THEN started the breast chemo....I cried to lose my hair....
BUT, it's much better than losing my life. Breast cancer CAN kill...lost a friend a few weeks ago...
Having that said, being a new mom in and of itself is a challenge, and tiring...didn't anyone tell you that the SECOND child is the one that makes you a true parent....sibling rivalry doesn't existing if you only have one.
There was a great poem I had given to me as a new mom (WAY before I met the beast)....looked for it to share with you, can't find it...but the jist is:
"Tell the dust bunnies and the cobwebs to wait a day, I am busy sharing my new baby's life."
STOP beating yourself up...there will be plenty of time to lose the weight, etc....just enjoy breathing...and that new little life.... as well as the 8 year old that's probably desperate to just play CandyLand with mom....
If you can afford it, see about a gal coming in once a month to clean....if you can't afford it, don't let pride stand in the way....ask for help at church, or from friends...we have all been there....
If hubby is half of what you say he is, he could NEVER see you as weak....you faced death in your fight with cancer...chemo, one of my nurses told me, takes you to the egde of death, and then hopefully brings you back...THAT, my dear, makes you SUPERWOMAN!!!!
Breathe in, breathe out....hug your children...they grow so fast....rejoice in the victory over the beast that you get these 2 simple pleasures....
Hugs, Kathi

Susan956

Just wanted to add some hugs to the other replys. Try to take life one day at a time... and try to find little things to enjoy. When you start to get your energy back...and yes it will take time... try to exercise a little... a walk and then a longer walk. With time you will realize that the fear is less.

Take Care and try to be good to yourself.... you deserve it.

God Bless....

Susan

SweetSue

My hair came back...thicker and more beautiful.
After 3 1/2 years in remission, I can finally get through days, weeks without thinking about cancer. However, when I get a pain, I get nervous.
I try to live in the NOW....no one is guaranteed another day.

Hugs,
Sue

inkblot

Hi youngibc:

I read your post and I almost cried. Of course you're stressed. Please never fear that your husband could ever see you as weak! As KathiM said, on the contrary, he likely sees you as the amazing woman that you are! While our self esteem can suffer after such a battle, don't go there. Instead, pat yourself on the back and put a little spring in your step!

I wanted to add my two cents worth, just as food for thought.

I agree with everyone else that time helps in healing. But if that time is spent waiting for peace to fall from the sky and settle upon you, it isn't likely to happen. I'm a strong advocate of proactive healing. I support thriving, as opposed to simply
surviving and will try to explain and qualify that.

Yes, we've been scared out of our very wits. Terrified. We've been sliced, diced, irradiated, pumped full of toxic drugs and then simply sent home with little more than an appoint. for a follow up visit. The medical community all but ignores the wounds inflicted upon our emotions in our battles. So, yes, we're left flailing. Stressed. Feeling frightened not to be seeing our docs so often anymore. Feeling vulnerable. We can feel alone, scared and adrift. And yes, it's awfully easy to think that every ache and pain means the beast we just put down has again returned to challenge us. Yeah, that would stress anyone out, I daresay! It can come to rule our lives if we don't also FIGHT to find peace in our souls, our hearts and our daily lives. We put our bodies through a maze of miseries to fight our cancers, so why not expend an at least equal amount of energy, to heal our psyche?

That means working every single day to regain our sense of balance and composure. Making time every day for relaxation. That can be meditation, Yoga, any physical workouts you're able to do, together with treating yourself to some long bubbly soaks, reading, learning a new hobby or craft...whatever interests you and fills you up. That's absolutely essential to even getting our emotions and fears into a place where we can recognize and sort out what they are and begin putting them to bed. Out of our minds and emotions. To set ourselves free.

Here's what I see as the truth of cancer: We all come to realize that yes, it's a sneaky beast. Will it ever come back? No one knows. So what can we effectively do about that? Aside from taking excellent care of ourselves, not much. I won't kid you; accepting that truth is not easy. Will we have dreadful and/or debilitating side effect issues from the treatments? Again, no one can tell us. We cannot always control what happens to us but we can control our responses to it. Just keep those check up appoints and carry on. We're all in this together and all in the same boat on that point. I've found absolutely no evidence to the contrary. If there's anyone, anywhere, who can answer our haunting questions, then someone, please bring them forth, so that we can all know this stuff, once and for all. NOT! We will be cancer survivors for the rest of our lives, however long that may be. Never forget that hope is crucial to surviving well. Hope for a better tomorrow while doing all we can to improve today. That's my daily motto! Will being a survivor become the sum of who we are and what we're about? I think not! Do we want to spend the rest of our lives defining ourselves by and thinking and worrying about something the doctors and science can't even find, typically, until we have symptoms anyway? Most of us don't want any such scenario. It happened to us. There it is. Accepting that without throwing the whole kitchen sink into it, is a hard won prize toward our peace. I vouch firmly for that. Will it happen again or not?
I, for one, choose to embrace that yes, it can happen again but I don't worry about it. I'll worry when and if it ever does as I'll be one of the first ones to know. Here's my thought: Today, I am healthy. I am alive. I am grateful for today and know that tomorrow is another day and that it likely won't happen to me tomorrow either. But now let me see, there's a whole basket of things that could get me tomorrow as well. There are car accidents, various and sundry conditions, illnesses and diseases, sudden surgeries I might find myself (or heaven forbid, my loved ones) needing. I may as well be on the look out for everything I can think of while I'm at it. Look around you at the MANY survivors! Some still fighting and some not. Some survived the most dreadful odds and here they are to brighten our days and encourage us all. If I thought, for one second, that my worrying about the "what if's" would prevent them happening, then, trust me, I'd be worrying day and night, 24/7, so I'd get that immunity going on in a hurry. All my worrying can accomplish, is to make me less happy, less funloving, less joyful and less energized for living. It will also render me less able to be giving and free in my daily living. We are all blessed here with a tremendous awareness of how important "now" is. You have a wonderful new gift, if you haven't recognized it yet. Appreciating THIS moment. Whatever it is. That's all any of us have. Now. Today. This moment of work, of sharing, of giving and living and loving. Why clutter it up with scary thoughts about all that could befall us? If we do that, then we're not in our moments...we're someplace else and cheating ourselves, as well as our loved ones and friends, hugely. Many gifts everywhere we turn really. As ugly as having cancer can be, there IS a silver lining to be realized.

Many of us survivors benefit from regular visits with a good counselor while we get our legs back under us, so to speak. If you haven't done that, check it out. Leave no stone unturned in your search for your peaceful, best self. Your assertive, yet respectful-of-others self. We must find our true selves and in many cases, some even find new lives altogether. Some need medication for a time, to help them find balance but whatever it takes, be patient with yourself and you WILL find your peace. My hope is that once you begin to work on the issues, you'll find that you need medication less and can dispense with it when you're ready. The only thing you need to do is to keep working at it. Don't ever be content to sit
and wait for it to come looking for you.

Humor and staying busy are wonderful tools! But in reality some things just aren't funny at certain times and how busy can we keep ourselves?
Know that it's ok to cry too.
Staying busy and just not thinking about it is a good escape and we really can benefit from that as long as we have other positive things going on as well. Groups, a good friend to talk with, sites like this one, our spiritual beliefs. All wonderful resources. Otherwise we only succeed in burying our pain/fear. Not addressing it. In the end we can only busy ourselves so much and when we finally take a moment of quietness, bam, there it is, right where we left it when we engaged in yet more "busywork".

You have two beautiful children to love and nurture and a seemingly good husband who loves you and so maybe just begin by arising each morning and thinking of how very grateful you are for them. For all that they bring to your life each day. Forget about next week. Today is all there is. In a world filled with so much negative, you can take great joy in all the positives in your life. Something which was really helpful to me was to help others. It helped me not to focus on my own woes quite so much. There is much suffering in the world of all kind and manner. Many others stricken with tragic illnesses, terrible accidents, losses and heavy burdens of grief and sadness. Helping others showed me, clearly, that I was but one amoung many, with a yoke around my emotional neck. It made me all the more determined to fight to find my own peace.
To get rid of that which could drag me down, if I allowed it.

I realized that even though I had suffered a terrible experience, others had suffered more or lost their battle altogether. I realized more fully, the meaning of gratitude. I had so much to be grateful for and I was not about to let cancer and it's lingering fears usurp my joy and my peace. I had so much to learn and still do.

I devised all kinds of methods of coping on a daily basis. I sat down and made written lists. I created a little filing system of sorts in my head, into which went things I'd work on today and things I'd close the lid on and work on tomorrow.
I could actually invision my little boxes. Each one important as I struggled to prioritize them. Having always been fairly organised, I now reminisce on those particular days of my healing and laugh out loud at myself. Just about what I'd expect out of my silly self! LOL But hey, it worked for me. My point is that you must find what works for your particular personality and use it well and often. When the occasional day comes wherein nothings working, that's ok too. Accept those days as part of your package of healing. Trust me, they'll become less and less frequent as you continue working toward peace. Be flexible too. If something fails to work, then toss it and replace it with something which does.
Don't be afraid to cry, laugh, or just get angry once in a while, but never, ever forget to love yourself.

Just as we needed the support of our families and friends during our surgeries and treatments, we also need it for our emotional healing work. If we keep our efforts steady and reasonable, we'll find that those who care about us will respect what we're trying to do. They may not fully understand but that's to be expected. We can carry on and do our thing without intruding on anyone else's space really.

I hope some of this may be helpful in some way.
We all deserve peace in our lives. If we're willing to face some unpleasant truths about cancer and the what-ifs of it and accept what is and what isn't, and to make the effort to work toward our peace, then it's just a matter of getting to work, in order to find our best selves. Your best self (even your new, improved self!) is in there, just waiting for you to invite it into your life. And it's more than big enough to help you to put cancer fears in their place! We begin with slow, small steps (maybe even a crawl) and build up to taking a full running-go at peace. You CAN do this and do it well. Believe in yourself.

Love, light and laughter,
Ink